Saturday, December 31, 2011


We are hovering on the brink of a New Year and I am determined to keep up my end of the bargain and put out my consecutive days of HERE'S TO YOU posts. I feel like if I ring in the New Year right I just might have momentum on my side. I still don't feel great, but maybe I can begin with better habits!

I mentioned yesterday the criteria for making these posts. Hope. Laughter. Inspiration. Joy. It occurred to me today that I left out Forgiveness. Naturally, all of those clips make me cry. The others not so much. I think it is why the biggie, Forgiveness, got shuffled off to the backburner. However, there is nothing more inspirational than Forgiveness is there? So, I had to throw some in today. Everything else still goes. And I may think yet of some important thing that should be in this mix that isn't. Good thing I am giving myself several days to work through it!

So, lean back and allow yourself to receive the awesomeness that I give to you. May it warm your spirit, make you laugh, cry, and feel inspired in the New Year. And, yeah, I still have more for tomorrow. I am back to officially being a youtube Junkie.

This one wouldn't embed, but it is important to watch it first. Sorry!

This one also woudn't embed, but it is next in line. Sorry!

Friday, December 30, 2011


I promised with yesterday's HERE'S TO YOU THURSDAY post that I would continue to bring the love. And so I will. Once again, I am not sending these out directed at anyone in particular, but I do suspect you might feel more attachment to some than others. I know that I did think of some of you while watching them. However, the only real requirement to make this list is that they be inspiring in some way. Hope. Laughter. Inspiration. Joy.

With that in mind, we shall begin with Joy... People, this is all for YOU!!!! Soak it up!!!

This one wouldn't embed, but you really should watch them in order... sorry!

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Thursday, December 29, 2011


Did you guys know that today is Thursday? I realized it today when I had my appointment for vertibral therapy. Before that, I started thinking that I would like to do a Thursday post. Of course, I am totally not prepared for a Thursday post. A Thursday post takes a good week of blog reading and taking notes and letting things soak on my mental burner. And then I spend a lot of time on youtube trying to match up all of that reading and thinking and soaking. That is how a Thursday post is born. I didn't even have time to try and do speed reading today due to my appointment and hope my "psychic abilities" would aid me in pulling something together that would match up with what is going on in your worlds. However, all day that Thursday post feeling has hung with me.

So, I started thinking about inspirational things to me. I thought that would make a good Thursday post. It could be a combo of funny, inspirational, cool things. So, I got on youtube and began trolling. Do you know how long it has been since I have done that? No. I know you don't. Well, that site is still laced with visual crack. Ah, the sweetnesss.

And, I have WAY more stuff than one post can hold. I am thinking maybe I will do this for a couple of days. Kind of like a build up for the new year. And I think that all of you will find yourselves in their somewhere. I know that I thought of all of you as I watched various videos and thought, "so and so will really like this one," but it will be even better without the dedication. We shall see what video speaks to whom and if I guess right without actually putting a name on it.

Anyway, there is a little bit of everything. And I am still trolling youtube because I am now hooked. Seriously. So, here is the love. It is all for YOU!!!!

image found at

Wednesday, December 14, 2011


I promised I would post the "after" before it became months after and here I am. I decided I better get it down while it was all fresh.

One of my doctor's said that I might discover just how much my meds are doing for me when I come off of them for this test and go without. That was partly right. I did find out how much they were blocking many of my symptoms because I was down and out miserable for the three days prior to the test and going in to the test. In fact, I was in such bad shape the doctor had doubts about my ability to get through the test (but that is jumping ahead). It did confirm to me that I have a bad case of fibromyalgia, in case I had doubts. My hands and feet felt like someone was pounding nails in them the first day. Then they were on fire the next day. The day after that they were just ice cold and sweaty and hurt. Sleeping was iffy all three days. My TMJ reactivated in a big way. And I couldn't breathe deeply because my left side hurt for two days. I also had a meltdown on day three when I was convinced I was having a heart attack. That was when my hands and feet went numb and shooting pains when down my left arm. Of course, none of this was helped by the fact that I dreamt that I died on night one and I literally felt my spirit leave my body. It was very peaceful and I think my dad was there. Also, all of my nerve endings were screaming. I could hear and smell everything. Anytime I breathed deeply my teeth hurt. I constantly thought about pulling all of my teeth out with pliers. 24.7. By day three all of muscles went into involuntary spasm including the ones on my face. So, I was literally this jerking mess who had no control over my body. Now, throw in the fact that I was so dizzy all of the time and couldn't eat for three days because I was constantly nauseated and you have a fairly complete picture of what I looked like on Monday for this test. Oh, and coming off my meds gave me the runs. It REALLY wasn't pretty.

So, when the doctor said we might not be able to do it, all I could hear in my head was Joy from MY NAME IS EARL. Joy has a foul mouth. Fortunately, I kept it inside. But, Joy said, "Ah hell to the no."

And Robin said, "I think we should give it a try." And that meant pulling it together and exercising every last bit of control and getting through it because I was not going through this again. Of course, somewhere in that drug induced nightmare, I already decided not to go back on some of my meds NO MATTER WHAT. Yeah, you read that right. Doctors are funny people. My doctor would have read that and said, "But all of that pain was caused by you going off that medication."

My response is this: "But sir: I wasn't THAT BAD BEFORE I WENT ON!"

And that says to me that something has to give. Yeah, I had a lot of pain. I was hurting. I still am. But, I wasn't a freak show.

Back to the test.

I made it through. And found out some bad news about my inner ear. Turns out that most people who have an inner ear problem usually have a problem on one side. That is not great but one side can rehab off the other side. That reminds me how amazing the body is. Turns out that my inner was blown in both sides. I have less than 30% function in both sides. It totally explains the dizziness I am feeling. The doctor says that I literally cannot find myself in space. There are no pills, no surgery for this. However, there is vertibral rehab. The idea is to (re)teach your inner ear all of this stuff that it used to know. Until then, I am very reliant on physical and visual cues. It is why I always need to lean my head against something in order to not feel sick to my stomach. That is how I know where I am in space. It is why I spend a lot of time holding onto walls when I walk. Quick turns are not a good idea. It is why I landed in the bathtub that time after flushing the toilet.

As for the what caused this? The doctor doesn't know. It can be anything from medications to an infection to an autoimmune issue. The thing is that there are lots of causes. My gut says that it is one or the combo of these meds to treat the fibro and the antidepressants. They have all had bad side effects with me. Namely they continue to make my hair fall out. I realized that in my three day horror when all of my senses were heightened and I was lying in bed with nothing to do but think. I have already begun the search for natural alternatives and will suffer the difference. I am going to push my doctor for rehab alternatives to treat my fibro, as opposed to medicinal ones. I want my inner ear to repair itself; I don't want it battling against any drugs that caused the damage in the first place.

As for the hint of Jasmine... I finally met The Yellow Rose of Texas... my first blog friend come to life in person. My only wish is that I had been in a healthier place. She caught me the day after the hearing test. I was back on enough of my meds that I wasn't a blobbering fool. Plus, I had gotten some sleep. We only met for a few hours and it was pretty much all spent at yet another one of my doctor appts (yes, the timing was sucky). However, she was delightful and it was exciting how many ideas we had in common!!! Not only that, but shared life experience! How exciting to say... and then this happened, but I learned such and such and to have another voice pipe in and say "Me too!" Yes, it was a great time! We laughed a lot and sighed a lot and did some head shaking over some life lessons that we wish had come easier or sooner... but it is what it is! My only regret is that we forgot to take a picture... not that she would have let me post it... lol.

image found at

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

It Goes Down Best With Bullets.

This is by no means a regular deal ~ yet ~ but I have gotten your lovely emails and whatnot and I miss you, too. The thing is that reading is difficult for me right now. Writing (aka typing) is also not a walk in the park. So, I feel a bit guilty throwing out a post with no intention of reading what you have going on in your blogs. With that in mind, you need to catch me up in your comments or send me an email. I just can't do a whole lot of reading these days. I am hoping that will change soon. The other reason I haven't posted is that I really haven't felt like it. That is as honest as I know to be. I am just not really thinking in a straight line and it always seemed "hard" when I thought about it. With that in mind, I did have some blogging ideas for the future that I will mention as you will see....

So, let's do this post the way that I do best when I don't really think straight: yep, bullet style. That way I can just throw it out there.

  • I have mostly been playing memory games on facebook. I got the idea about a year ago when my memory sucked so bad that I was grasping at words. It has helped. I think working that memory muscle is like every other one.
  • That is not to say that I still don't get stuck on spelling words that I should know how spell or other things equally annoying. It just doesn't happen all of the time like it used to, which is something of a relief. For instance, right now the word hundred is in my head. Did I spell that right? It feels right, but I am just not sure. And that crap makes me nuts. I used to KNOW.
  • I just finished the first season of THE PRACTICE on DVD. It was written by David E. Kelley (the same guy who wrote Ally McBeal). I didn't watch it from the beginning so a lot of the shows were new to me. However, I loved that show. And still do. He is such an amazing writer, with amazing characters, storylines, and always leaves you debating yourself over some moral question at the end. Love it. I wish more shows did that. I love a show that makes you think.
  • Of course, I moved on to MY NAME IS EARL. Yeah, I finally got Season 2 on Amazon on sale. That show is Hilarious. Not sure it makes me think a whole lot, but it makes me laugh a ton. And I really need that. Laughter is good for the soul.
  • My mom switched our regular TV from DirectTV over to cable. Eventually the cable in this area will pick up more channels. The only big loss as far as I am concerned is OWN. Yeah, that is the Oprah Winfrey Network.
  • And that brings me to the blog I was thinking of writing, but could never think in a straight line long enough to do it... Actually it was a series of blogs based on Oprah's Lifeclass. Yeah, that show hit me in a PROFOUND way. I didn't know this until Oprah stopped interviewing and started talking that she is Amazing.
  • Anyway, she did this show called Oprah's Lifeclass that was on at 8:00 on OWN (it's in reruns now) and she chose a few "lessons" that she learned from her guests and then picked footage from her shows to highlight these lessons. Talk about Eye Opening. I had an "A Ha" moment every night at 8:00 pm.
  • Meanwhile, I thought, "I have to share this awesomeness with my blogger friends." Her page has clips from each show. So, my idea was to have Life Class right here with the video and my thoughts and then to challenge each of you to post the video and right your own thoughts on it. (Look what I just did. "right your own thoughts" This is why I am not writing anymore!!!!! I am an English major. This mutilation of the language makes me insane!) And then sit back and watch the "A Ha" moments spread across the world.
  • No point in dreaming small.
  • For the record, I haven't given up on that one. I have merely shelved it until I can think in a straight line again.
  • So what is my biggest problem, you ask?
  • Right now, I am freaking dizzy. As in my spacial orientation sucks. As in I am holding onto walls. Like right now I have head planted into the back of this recliner to keep the world in check. And, of course, my migraines are freaking off the charts.
  • Due to this ear thing, I have a test called an ENG scheduled for next week that requires that I be off of all my migraine and other meds. You read that right. So, I am titrating down right now and go cold turkey on Friday.
  • As I have quit them, the dizzy, the migraines, and the general pain has gotten worse. As has my ability to think clearly (hence the bullets).
  • On a totally different note, I feel almost completely certain that Mr. Electric is thinking about me (aka Right Guy turned Not Right Guy after I gave up on him). However, I think he might still be Right Guy. Don't know about that. Definitely Mr. Electric.
  • Anyway, it just came to me a few days ago. I haven't even thought about him in forever. And I KNEW he was thinking about me. For those of you who doubt my psychic ability, feel free. Anyway, this has happened before, but it was several years ago.
  • That time I repeatedly imagined him calling me. Well, he did. Only I left the house and forgot my cell phone and my stepdad and answered it. It was the one and only time my stepdad has ever answered my cell. Mr. Electric has trust issues and that tore it for him. He was convinced I will still involved with the liar, cheater, ex-boyfriend.
  • Anyway, I am back to imagining him calling me and me answering my phone. Sometimes you have to take the imagery further.
  • For a long time I was really ticked about how that went down. Now I realize that he wasn't ready for me and I had yet to fully understand (aka process) the lessons that both of my exes taught. There was a lot of stuff in there. In fact, I am not really sure I got it all until recently. Hmmm. Timing really is everything, no?

Well, I will try to keep you in the loop about my test sooner. That means posting something next week or so, rather than next month or so. I don't know when I will be back to reading your blogs. Just bear with me. Let me know what you think about the series of blogs on the LifeClass. I will probably do my own thing anyway, but I am still curious. I have found it is good to get the opinions of others, but best to do WHAT YOU FEEL in your own gut.

Monday, October 10, 2011

What Do You See?

I just read Chris's post It's Never Too Late to Lose Weight over at A Deliberate Life. I was pondering a comment and decided to forgo that and just write my own post. Funny how those things work. If you would like to read Chris's post, she is in My Favorite Reads (or something like that) in the sidebar to the left. It is a couple days old now, so click on her and not her most current post.

You might be wondering why I read a weight loss blog. You might not. Chris is uber-inspirational to me. I dig in there and figure out how I can apply all that weight loss stuff to life. The thing is that it isn't that hard. Sometimes it is glaringly obvious. Sometimes not so much. Sometimes, like today, it is on the tip of tongue, and I can't quite get a handle on it.

So, I am going to tell you that dream I had a while back about my dad that I promised you in the Thursday post. In my dream, I was in the middle of a large body of water with no land in sight. I had in my hands something that could save me. But the only thing that I had to activate it was a sharp implement and it was very delicate. There were two canisters and a lot of dangerous territory inside this thing. I heard a voice tell me that if the sharp implement punctured anything other than the canisters (which were difficult to reach) I would die. So, I asked what would happen if I didn't mess with the canisters at all? And the answer was that I would die. So, I took a shot and lost. The voice, which I think was God, told me that I had punctured something other than the canisters and I would die.

I asked if I would drown. The voice said that something from the canisters was going to come out, like foam, and consume all of the air space. I would be encapsulated in it. The strange thing is this: when you KNOW you are going to die, that there is no choice, you don't get upset. At least I didn't. My first thought was that I would be with my dad again. And I said that out loud. Then I turned around and there he was. He was young again like when I was a kid.

He said, "You know we're all gonna die someday."

I laughed. He was right, after all. He then said, "It is all about what you do now. Create all you can while you can." He then paused and said, "Do you want to see what I have been working on?"

"Yes," said I with surprise.

He pulled out this piece of wood, circular in shape, one inch thickness, probably 24 square inches give or take. It was gorgeous. He had cut, sanded, stained, finished, and done the artwork on it himself. Yes, there was artwork on it. There were these delicate flowers burnt into the wood and painted all sorts of colors. And they ran around it in a vine pattern. In the middle there was a saying that I wish I could remember. But the essence was not to take yourself too seriously. Have fun with this thing called life.

How does this relate to Chris's post? Well, I am not having any fun. My head is killing me. I know that it is a head game. I know so many things but I am still spinning my wheels. I have had said to mom that I think I need to experience the frustration of the SSD system up close and personal in order to truly be empathetic to all of the people I want to help when the time comes. My experience has been that you aren't nearly as empathetic until it hits you where you live. So, I grit my teeth and barrel through, but there are days I want to just rip my head right off.

And that is the other thing I have learned. This far into the SSD game you can't change doctors. You can add doctors, but you can't change. If you have doctors that support your claim, you can't change. Even if they aren't doing what you would have them do to get you better, you can't change. You need them. I need to understand what these people are up against and the only way is to experience every rotten thing. That is how I will help change it in the future. You can't change what you don't know. If it was smooth sailing for me, I wouldn't get someone else's rocky road through the system.

For everyone who is still reading this blog, thank you. I am going to do my best to write more often. I need to write more often. My hands are giving me problems. So, we shall see. The doctors are thinking maybe RA. I just had some bloodwork done, so I don't know yet. I just know that my joints hurt. Operating the mouse isn't so bad, but typing hurts. You may be getting those shorter posts after all!

image found at

Thursday, August 25, 2011


You better sit down for this. I decided a couple of days ago that I really wanted to do my regular Thursday post. If you fell down, it is your own fault. I suggested that you sit. I know. I am really shocked, too. The feeling just came over me. If you don't know what I am talking about, that only shows how long it has been. A long dog-gone time. Anyway, what is a Thursday post you say?

Well... it used to be a weekly event. Something to be anticipated with relish and excitement. Seriously. I anticipated it that way. It went a lot like this one is going to roll out. Only every Thursday.

Here is the explanation: Today is the day that I celebrate all of the amazingness that you contributed to blogland this week. It is that day again. What day is that you ask? How can you have forgotten? Drum roll please. It is HERE'S TO YOU THURSDAY, of course! The very best day of the blogging week. It is the precursor to the best day of the work week.

Here is what is going down: this is a weekly event. (As I said, it used to be a weekly event.) The best (or worst) part is that I am not going to explain why I chose "whatever" footage for each of you. If, you watch your footage and are scratching your head at the end, well that means I didn't do a very good job. However, all is not lost. You can email me at and ask me what I was thinking when I chose that particular piece of footage off of youtube and connected it to you. And then I will tell you. Then I will start sending up prayers that I haven't offended the crap out of whoever is on the receiving end of that Because, honestly, I will tell you right now... I admire all of you enormously so I really hope that doesn't happen.

Also, this is not an exclusive venture by any means. I hope that you will take the time to watch ALL of the footage because I don't pick bad footage:-) I also hope that you might check out the blog of the person I dedicated the footage to because they are pretty darn awesome. If you haven't figured this out yet... I pick the footage based on something that you've written or something that I've gleaned from your personality. Think on that for a while... If you are having trouble watching the entire video (meaning it is being cut off on one side), click on it a couple of times and it will take you straight over to youtube. If you click on the four squares at the bottom corner of the video, it will enlarge it to fill your screen. The escape key will bring it back to normal size. The back arrow will bring you back to my page.

Now, let's get this PARTY STARTED!!!!

This one is for everyone:

Now this particular piece of flash mob action happened right here in my hometown and I missed it. Fortunately, other people were there and it made youtube. I think it is totally awesome.

This one is for Chris at A Deliberate Life:

This one is for Shoes at Red Shoe's Chronicles:

This one is for The Factory Girl:

This one is for Quilting Ranny:

This one is for Empty Nester at Empty Nest:

This one is for Phoenix at Res ipsa loquitor:

image found at

I love all of you big-time and have missed you. I am really trying to get back to me. I think of this clip from Grey's Anatomy. It sort of applies. Sadly, I couldn't find it on youtube. WTF? Anyway... it was in Season 2 and Derek had broken things off with Meredith to give things another go with Addison, because he felt like that was the right thing to do. However, he was in love with Meredith and she with him. It felt a lot like death, I suppose. Heartbreak is heartbreak, after all. Anyhow, they went through all of the stages of death. Denial. Grief. Etc. At one point, in my favorite episode (okay, one of my faves), IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT, Meredith asks him, "How do you go on?"

I am not sure that she said it quite like that because I don't have the clip. But I know that he said, "You just have to wait for it to pass." She just did that nod thing and went on her way. I guess she knew she would be waiting a long time. And he stood there and watched her walk away. The look on his face indicated he knew he would also be waiting a long time.

Addison walks up to him and says, "What are you doing?"

He responds, "Waiting for it to pass."

And I share this with you because I am waiting for it to pass. In my next post I will tell you about my most recent dream that I had about my dad. It was cool and it freaked me out all at the same time. That is a new one for me.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011


Given the time of year, I would like to say that this post is going to be all about this kind of pool:

image found here

However, that is not the case. You have to watch this clip from one of my all-time favorite movies (and musicals) to get where this post is going. It is from THE MUSIC MAN starring Robert Preston. I cannot tell you how many times I have watched it, though not recently. Anyway, this is one of my favorite scenes for oh so many reasons.

Oh, we got trouble right here in River City, with a capital T, that rhymes with P, and stands for Pool. Masstyria. Friends, the idle brain is the devil's playground.

And my personal favorite is at the very beginning: River City isn't in any trouble. Well, then we have to create some.

And so it goes.

I have had several conversations on a variety of topics in recent days that all lead back to the same thing. People create trouble to get what they want. You can have a perfectly wonderful system in place and someone will come along and abuse it. Why? Because they can. Because they are manipulative, lazy, scheming, etc. There are a whole host of reasons.

The thing is this: you cannot change it. For instance, there will always be people trying to get Social Security Disability who can work. There will be people who get Disability who couldn't work, but then can work, but choose not to go back to work. Or they go back to work under the table and continue to get the Disability money while working. If you allow your brain to dwell on these things, you stay fixed in the land of negativity. That is not a good place to live.

One of my Facebook friends, who I don't really know, posted something in her status the other day about appreciation. She said that the more she appreciates each thing in her life, the more things there are to appreciate. That was a bit of a jolt for me. I knew that already, but I wasn't doing it. I wasn't feeling appreciative. I was still feeling mostly pissed that my dad didn't live the 6-9 months that they gave him. He only stuck around for three. I wanted more time and I wasn't appreciating the fact that he left me so soon. In fact, I was still pretty upset about it. We are having thunderstorms almost every day and that gives me killer migraines. Not appreciating that so much. My cycle has been coming every two weeks since February. Really not appreciating that. My hormonal imbalance is tipped all the way over. Can we say that the migraines are just killing me? So, yeah, my appreciation levels have been LOW.

However, when I read that status, I remembered that negative builds on negative and positive builds on positive. I can keep my focus on everything I just wrote that I am really not happy about, or I can find one thing each day that pleases me, and think on that. And think on it and think on it and think on it. And if that is the only thing I have, I stick with it. Maybe it is just listening to songs that make me happy. Or watching MY NAME IS EARL because it makes me laugh and laugh and laugh. Or playing with my dog. Or reading a good book. Honestly, it doesn't matter what it is so long as it is positive.

Remember, my friends, listen to me, because I pass this way but once!

Monday, August 8, 2011

Pastel in a Brilliant Life

This has been the strangest time. Seriously. My creativity has been in the crapper. My hormones are raging out of control and so are my migraines. So I basically feel lousy all of the time. I remember reading years ago in my book on severe adrenal fatigue that all it takes is a major crisis to knock you right on your butt and completely drain your reserves. For someone who has no reserves, that really messes you up. It helps you discover problems you didn't know you had. Like you needed that, right?

Anyway, you probably noticed my lack of blogging, reading, and commenting. My focus is still lousy. I have considered posting one of those "I'm taking a break" blogs, but that feels like quitting and I don't want to do that just yet. Matter of fact, I almost had a Thursday post a couple of weeks ago. I had several things jotted down, but it just never came to fruition. This is what I mean about my inability to focus.

I have also started writing a book about my health experience, which includes my dad's adrenal breakdown when I was a kid, and might end up including other people's health issues if I was really involved in them. The book is all about how I fell through the floor (lost everything) and is written from the perspective of a regular person. Not a medical journal. Not a doctor. I am not out to sell anything, tell you one way is better than another, etc. This is just my story and my goal is to share it and possibly help someone else from falling through the floor. My secondary goal is to use it to launch my Forging Hope Project. Yeah, it all circles back to being an instrument to help other people. The mission is to assist other people in their journey from illness to wellness.

In other news, I got a military ID card. My stepdad is retired military and we jumped through those hoops to prove that my medical problems today date back to before I was 21 y/o. Yeah, that was fun. While I was in Ohio dealing with my dad while he was still alive I was also calling all of my former doctors digging up any and all paperwork from my childhood. Anyway, we found some. On this one application with symptoms it said in my own hand (I was 13): headaches, nausea, aching in bones and muscles. That was a bit of a shock to read. Anyway, we gave it all to my current doctor to read over. She then submitted a letter to state that she believed that the roots of my current problems began in youth. It was clear that it did. She did. So, after the military sent back the letter saying that it needed to be rewritten in their format (and it was), I was quickly approved.

This means that I cancelled my old insurance (which sucked). I am now on Tricare and am part of my parents' plan. My Rxs are cheap. Yay. I am on a copay system. I can actually get testing and stuff done. Anything done at the base hospital will be free (I think) or very inexpensive. In other words, I can actually get some forward momentum on getting some of my health issues solved. This is such a blessing.

I am now in the third phase of SSD approval. This is when I am most likely to get approved. For my area, we are looking at about 10 months before it comes before the judge. That is how slowly the system is working. Some places it is as long as three years. So, I will keep my tongue in my mouth and not complain. When you win, they backpay you in one lump sum. The irony will be if they take so long that I will be able to work by the time they get to my case. That, of course, will be thanks to the military insurance assistance. I will have financially broken my parents since 2006 and I will just be getting well by the time my case comes up. lol.

I am not sure what I think about that.

I have been watching MY NAME IS EARL on DVD. It is hilarious. It is about this bad dude who wins a scratch off lottery ticket and immediately gets hit by a car. In the hospital he sees Carson Daly on TV talking karma. He says that he thinks he has this good life because he believes if you do good things, good things come back to you. Well, that is when Earl make his list of every bad thing he has ever done. He is certain karma is out to get him. He has to fix things or karma is going to kill him. While he is doing the first good thing, he finds his winning scratch off. The rest of the show is him doing the things on his list. H-i-l-a-r-i-o-u-s.

That cracks me up.

I try to laugh a little every day.

I guess that is all I have for now. Oh... I did get an IPod at long last. Love it. Still not real sure what I am doing. It has face chat on it. But I have no idea how to work it and don't know anyone else who has face chat. Now *that* is funny.

I hope that you have found something here to entertain, inform, or in some other way enlighten you. I do try to please.

image found at

Sunday, July 17, 2011


Here's the deal:
  • I have written numerous blogs in my head, but none have actually made it onto the computer.
  • Yeah. That is extremely lame.
  • What is even worse is that I actually have stuff to write about and am just not writing.
  • On top of that, the stuff is now soooo much that I am saying things like, "I can't write a catch up blog now because it would be too long."
  • And then I follow that one up in my head with, "Who really cares anyway?"
  • You have maybe six people on here who actually read your posts.
  • Besides that, you have been absolutely awful about reading all of your friends' posts.
  • Your concentration is keeping pace with a flea.
  • And when you do read a post you sit and stare at the computer trying to come up with a comment. Usually you give up because all you can think of is something like, "Great post."
  • And that is like giving no comment at all. Egads.
  • For the most part, I have spent the better part of my waking time on Facebook doing stuff that requires as little thinking as possible.
  • That is the God's honest truth. You did get the part about having the attention span of a flea, right? Facebook is perfect for that.
  • However, there has been other stuff going on.
  • I can't recall if I told you that I was dreaming about my dad just about every night up until about ten days ago.
  • Oddly enough, most of the time, I had no memory recall of what we were doing in the dream. Sometimes, I did. Mostly not.
  • The first time I did remember him in my dream, it was a bunch of friends of mine and my dad. My dad was in the middle of two of my friends backup singing and doing dance steps like the Supremes. That couldn't have been more unlike my dad.
  • I laughed so hard when I woke up. That told me he was willing to do anything to get into my dreams!
  • When I was in elementary school , we lived in what we called the boondocks. It was a very undeveloped area of Florida that still had a lot of woods and snakes and even gators in certain places. Anyway, we had a tiger cat that I named Rowr. Unfortunately, Rowr ate one too many geckos and lost his hearing.
  • A gecko's tail is poisonous, but Rowr didn't make that association. Anyway, my parents figured out that Rowr was deaf, but didn't tell my brother and I, and one day we left the back gate open and Rowr got out.
  • I remember walking the block calling his name for days. I was devastated. I loved that cat.
  • Mom and Dad didn't have the heart to tell me or my brother that he probably got out the gate and was fairly helpless prey out in the woods being deaf.
  • About two weeks ago, I am lying in bed one morning wide awake, but not ready to get up. I feel something jump on the bed. My bedroom door is closed and the dogs are not allowed in the bedrooms. Besides, it is too light to be any of our dogs.
  • I open my eyes and nothing is there. I close them and it starts pouncing all over my legs. I open them and it stops. I close them to slits and it goes crazy bouncing all over my bed. All around my legs, up around my head, over my stomach, etc. Then it is gone. I think it is over.
  • Not. I feel a hard landing. Clearly it jumped from the floor back onto the bed. And the play resumes. I can tell it is a cat by the weight of it. Finally it has enough and jumps off.
  • I jump out of bed and go tell my mom.
  • We throw around theories and I tell her that I think Dad sent Rowr down so that I would know that he is okay. All cats go to heaven.
  • Two days later, I am lying in bed awake and I get another cat visitation.
  • I kid you not.
  • This time I talk to it through slitted eyes. Every time I fully open my eyes it stops playing. It is like it is playing hide and go seek or something. Moving on...
  • I call it by name (Rowr) and thank it for coming to play with me and let me know it is okay. Then I thank my dad for sending Rowr down for a visit. It is a relief to know that he is with dad in heaven.
  • Since then, no more morning cat visitations.
  • However, my dad's mom (Nanny) came to call and she came in a BIG way. Her signature sign is her perfume and she about knocked me out.
  • I was playing around on Facebook. I did mention that I have been doing that, right?
  • And she BLASTED me with her perfume. In the past, she has come by softer. This time she wanted my FULL attention and she got it. Actually, I think she wanted me to know on previous visits that she was okay and watching over me.
  • This time, I think she was letting me know that I wasn't going to be hearing from dad for a while, but she was with him and he was okay. She had him and all was well. And I told her out loud that I got the message.
  • And then when I got my head screwed on straight, I started screaming for my mom to come to my room RIGHT NOW. She did (griping that she was in the middle of something).
  • I said, "Stop. Can you smell that?"
  • She backed up. She got this look on her face and went "Woah. Nanny's perfume."
  • So, since dad has died, he has visited, Nanny has visited, and my cat that died in the 70s has visited.
  • Makes you wonder who will be next...
  • I actually have more to report, but I will save it for my next post. This is long enough already. I am afraid I lost some of you back on bullet point #5.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

It is what you do at that crucial moment.

I checked my email today and JJ asked me when I was going to be ready to blog again. He was looking for a specific date. I know that he meant regularly. I used to be a daily blogger. I am not there yet. I don't when I will be. However, I will try to be better than I have been. I don't think not blogging is doing me any favors, so I will just commit to trying to being better than I have been.

Emptynester commented on my last post with a question about my migraines. Yes, I do have them all of the time. I have had this migraine since 2003. Every day. The only thing that varies is the level of severity. Sometimes it is really terrible. I call those bonecrushing. That is my own term. Other times it is more of a nuisance. I don't even take anything for it. It still wears on me just because it is chronic. It is like being tapped all of the time in the head with a tiny little hammer on those days. It doesn't really hurt. It is just annoying to the nth degree. Sadly, I haven't experienced a migraine like that in a long time. It has been all pain, all the time since my dad was diagnosed in February. Simply brutal.

I also get them behind my right eye. One of my friends who also get migraines says that if you stick a finger up each nostril far enough and press, you will find a spot that is very painful, but it will knock out that ocular part of the migraine. Well... in desperation I tried this little trick. My nostrils aren't wide enough to accommodate my fingers. I could just barely touch the painful area she was referring to, but she was right, because it did hurt. I could just barely reach the place inside my nostril that I was supposed to press together firmly. Just touching the periphery on both sides was excruciating. I cannot imagine the pain of actually being able to reach the area and smashing it together. I think I might have passed out. This stuff just isn't for sissies. Let me tell ya.

I did see the Green Lantern in 3D with a friend of mine. Not being a big comic book reader (sorry Phoenix, I hope you didn't hurt yourself), I really wasn't prepared for the awesomeness of this superhero. Our Green Lantern is only one of many Green Lanterns. They each have a grid in the solar system to protect. They get a ring and a lantern. They are chosen because they are fearless. That is one concept that gets worked over pretty good in the movie. Actually fear gets discussed quite a bit, but I don't want to ruin it for you. However, one thing our hero doesn't really get is that Green Lanterns aren't chosen because they are fearless. They are chosen because of their courage. No one is fearless. Everyone has fear. It is what you have at your core. It is what you do at that crucial moment. That is what counts. That is courage. It is the ability to overcome fear and do what needs to be done.

The other thing that I liked best about the Green Lantern is what fuels the Green Lantern's power. It is the will of the people. In other words, the Green Lantern might wear the ring, but he is only as strong as the will of the people. We are what make the Green Lantern strong. And all of the other living beings in the Universe fuel all of the Green Lanterns. The other superpower that Green Lantern has is to create any object simply by thinking of it. If he can think it, it will appear. It is through his sheer will. This is how he fights evil.

What a fantastic object lesson. It is through sheer will that you fight evil. Everyone is afraid, but digging deep and finding courage, you find yourself. If you think it, it will appear. If you focus on it, it will become reality.

You may be asking yourself right now why I am not focusing all of that amazing energy on ridding myself of my migraines. Excellent question, Holmes. I can't focus. Believe me, I have tried. That is the trap of chronic pain. I have tried. The key to achieving vibration with something and bringing it into your life is to be able to maintain focus on what you want (and not what you don't want). And when you have bonecrushing migraines you just can't keep your focus off of them. At least, I can't. And that, my friend, keeps them in your reality even though you don't want them. I need to break the pain cycle long enough to keep my attention off of them, so that they are out of my reality. Once that happens, well then we are off to the races. I know what needs to be done. And I think *pretty soon* we are going to get there.

I think I will start focusing on that reality. I will let you know how it works out.

In other news... I am dreaming about my dad nearly every night. I can't remember any of the dreams. Or just fragments. I am sure he just wants me to know he is okay. And just once, about a week ago, he dropped in on me. We prearranged before he died that he would let me know he was around by "perfuming" the air with apple cider vinegar. I was sitting here at the computer and I got a big whiff of apple cider vinegar out of nowhere. It didn't last long. However, I know that he is letting me know he is fine. Of course, I always knew that. I just miss him.

image by

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

O is for Over and Over Again.

When I start to think about writing a post, I say to myself, "Well, not much has happened and so much has happened." Crazy right? Both are true.

In some ways, not that much has happened. In other ways, it feels like I can't keep up.
  • Ah, those crazy migraines are still whomping me and good.
  • In great part, they account for the feeling that nothing has happened.
  • To those of you who don't live with chronic pain, this is just going to sound like whining and I apologize ahead of time. I have had this migraine since 2003. It is like getting on a bike and thinking you're going somewhere and arriving at the same damn place over and over. It is beyond frustrating, beyond annoying, beyond anything. And migraines hurt. They aren't headaches. No no no no no no no.
  • A hundred years ago doctors were using drills and drilling into people's heads and the patients were begging them to do it. No one does that for a headache.
  • Yeah, most of them died from that procedure. They call it practicing medicine for a reason.
  • So, when I get on my kick about axes and all that junk, it is because my head is freaking killing me. Nuff said.
  • Funny thing about it. Telling you how much it hurts, doesn't make it hurt less. So, moving on....
  • My sister-in-law's mother died last Thursday at 1:30am.
  • Yeah, it was shocking.
  • I wasn't completely unpacked from going up for my dad's funeral.
  • Mom and I had every intention of going up for her funeral, but this was so soon that we weren't recovered from the trip we just made.
  • Had we known, we would have just stayed up there.
  • The funeral was yesterday.
  • I sent her a condolence text message.
  • That way she knows I care, but I am not interrupting anything going on in terms of the business of the day. In other words, yesterday was all about her.
  • In other news, I went out to lunch and for some belated Christmas, birthday, and Mother's Day shopping with my ex and H-Girl. At the end of that, we had to run by his apartment and order something I wanted off of because we couldn't find it in the stores.
  • His roommate was there and ended up leaving with us because they were going to do something after he dropped me at home. On the car ride, they got to talking about Michael J. Fox.
  • They both are big fans of MJF. A list came out of MJF's best roles due to his 50the birthday. I stayed out of that conversation. I am not familiar enough with every single role he has ever been in to make an informed comment.
  • Then they got to talking about how great he looks for being 50. Now, that is something I can weigh in on. Unfortunately, I think he would look a lot better if the Parkinson's wasn't eating him up and I said so.
  • Sometimes I should just keep my mouth shut.
  • His roommate told me that MJF looked better at 50 with Parkinsons than I do RIGHT NOW.
  • Shut my back door.
  • I told him that he was full of crap without actually saying he was full of crap, but pretty much saying he was full of crap. H-Girl was in the car.
  • My ex thought that was hilarious.
  • I watched The Social Network last night. At the start of the movie, this girl pointed out to the guy who was going to be the start-up guy for facebook, "You can tell yourself that girls don't like you because you're a nerd, but I'm here to tell you that the reason that girls don't like you is because you're an asshole."
  • My ex and his friend are like two peas in a pod. Nuff said.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

It's All A Brain Game.

Mrs. B featured my blog on her blog. She is participating in a hop. I don't have the energy for a hop. In fact, I think I need to go back to the bullet point style. I can feel my brain about to go into the crazy loop.

  • Whew, such a relief. I can now just fritter around like a hamster on a wheel and it is totally cool.
  • Sadly, I feel a lot like a hamster on a wheel.
  • Running and getting nowhere.
  • Well, I did go the library, pharmacy, and grocery store today.
  • Sadly, the pharmacy said that there was an hour wait on Rxs, so I just left. I could have cried or something, but I had nothing left. So I left.
  • I think I have two more pills left so it isn't a total emergency. Yet.
  • I actually did go on youtube for a few minutes and look up some Ellie footage. Why don't we have a looksee? Roll that footage, blogmeister:

  • If you click the bottom right it will enlarge it to fill your screen. The escape key will bring it back to normal size.
  • If you didn't understand why I love Ellie so much before, I bet you have a better handle on it now. She totally goes to battle for the people she loves. I am down with that.
  • I have been distracting myself with facebook and this game on there called Gardens of Time. I like it because it is a memory game. It is kind of like Where's Waldo. You have to memorize the scene and you play it over and over.
  • Why is this important? With my chronic fatigue and migraines, my memory is terrible. It is actually stretching and working my memory muscle.
  • Before all this went down with my dad, I started doing beginners yoga.
  • I am a very odd case. Even though I have fibromyalgia (which means aching joints and muscles), I was super flexible as a child. So, I am still more flexible than average as an adult.
  • So, I have a high flexibility, even though everything hurts like crazy. So, I can do yoga. It just hurts. And, I don't do some of the postures very well (aka downward dog).
  • My doctor says just to do the best I can without straining.
  • Right now, I am not doing at all.
  • I am mentally trying to get there again.
  • It is all a brain game folks. That was something that I already knew, but reading Chris's blog, A Deliberate Life, reinforced.
  • Do you feel like I have I haven't really said anything? Me too.
  • There are a few ideas that swirling around in my head. Mom and I listened to a portion of a book on CD on the drive. One of those ideas was "there is no stopping an idea whose time has come."
  • I think about that a lot with regard to my Big Idea. I have an idea for a non-profit that I have shared on here. If you want to know more click on My Idea in the sidebar.
  • He also talks about Inspiration. Inspiration coming from God. And when you are in tune with your Inspiration that is when Action happens. Things just start rolling out. There is no stopping an idea whose time has come.
  • And then I think about that pastor who said that I was blessed by God.
  • And hearing a voice telling me that this is what I was supposed to be doing.
  • I know that I need to get past all of this grieving so that I can get inspired, so that I can get well, so that I can get into alignment with my idea.
  • Because there is no stopping an idea whose time has come.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Keeping Up With Bullets (Bang)

You may or may not have noticed my lack of posting. This whole burying my dad thing has my head spinning. Kinda sorta literally. And my migraines are through the roof. And I am back to wanting to use the "F" word all of the time. I'm not. But I want to. Really really bad. And I think I am going to use the bullet post format because my head is all over the place and that way I don't have to make any sense. And that is going to be important I think.

  • So, yesterday at the pharmacy when I went to pick up my Rxs, I turned the corner, and I ran smack into the card section. It was all Father's Day cards. I couldn't help it. I stopped cold and stared at them for a few seconds and then kept on walking. I teared up, but didn't cry. I consider this progress.
  • I am crying now. So maybe not so much.
  • My migraines have been kickass ever since my dad died. I really think I might rip my head off of my shoulders with my bare hands. Has this ever been done?
  • The day of the funeral I caved and took hydrocodone. My head was KILLING ME. It didn't touch it. I mean not at all.
  • The worst part was that I had to act like I felt fine. Meet and greet and thank people for coming. Several of dad's high school classmates came. That was very cool.
  • Last night at karaoke several of the people from my mom's church said something first thing about my dad and how sorry they were. So, I know that the word was out about what happened. Mom missed church two Sundays in a row because of being in Ohio for the funeral.
  • However, this one guy came in and was talking to her about having to put his cat down last night and how sad it was. She was sitting next to me and he kept going on about it. Then he pulled out his camera phone and showed pictures of the cat to both of us. All the while, my mom had to keep saying how sorry she was about his cat. However, he said not one word about how sorry he was that my father just died.
  • My sister-in-law says that I think everything is all about me. I say this now because this story is possibly one more example that might be true.
  • Am I one of those people who thinks that everything is all about them?
  • For the record, I do feel sorry for this guy over the loss of his cat. I know that losing a pet is painful. I would have been somewhat more sensitive to it had he shown any sensitivity to me over the loss over losing my parent. Just sayin'.
  • You might be wondering how I know my sister-in-law thinks the above. She told me at the gathering after the funeral. I'd had a couple of beers. You know, I was mixing it with my hydrocodone to try and get some relief for my miserable migraine. Anyway, she was talking with someone that I had been talking with earlier and I walked up and I thought they were talking about the same thing we were talking about before.
  • I was wrong. And that something was related to me.
  • And she informed me that not everything is about me, contrary to what I believe.
  • At which point, I decided to be Ellie from Cougar Town. You can consult previous clips I have posted to get a better grip on the Ellie personality.
  • In this case, I placed my elbow on the table with my back to her facing the other person and resumed conversation with HIM, totally ignoring her. I figure two people can be rude just as easily as one.
  • She then says, "So when are you and your mom going back to Georgia?"
  • I then step back from the table and say, "Okay, I'm back in." As in, if we are talking about me, I am once again interested.
  • I don't recall if I answered the question or not because it was unimportant.
  • I really think my life would be a sitcom if I lived anywhere near my brother and sister-in-law. Or a tragedy. Not sure which.
  • I gave the minister who did the service for my dad the letters that I posted here. I also ended up telling him (in brief) about my Big Idea. After the service he leaned over and hugged me and told me I was blessed by God.
  • On the one hand it kind of freaked me out. But then again, I got the idea from a voice that I think was God. That would probably freak him out. So, maybe being told by a minister that you are blessed by God is really fantastic.
  • For the record, I did ask him about it (because of my degree of being freaked out) and he said that after listening to my idea he prayed about it. And he knew I was blessed by God.
  • Take from that what you will.
  • I didn't tell my sister-in-law about that. I already think everything is all about me. That would have sent her to to the freaking moon.
  • Maybe I should change the name of my blog. What do you think? I could call it IT REALLY IS ALL ABOUT ME. Seriously, I do need to change it. There has been nothing daily about the dose.
  • Did I tell you that when my dad died all of the lines went out of his face? He died at 78 and had not even one wrinkle. Complete peace.
  • One last thing about my sister-in-law: I have decided that she doesn't particularly dislike me. She just has a lot on her plate and it is overflowing. Her filter is gone. Her mom's cancer is back and she is now in the same situation as my dad. Her own dad is very difficult to live with and makes her life hard. That will get worse now that her mom's cancer is back. Her mother is the only thing anchoring her dad to reality. So, pray for her. A person can only handle so much stress and this has already been a terrible year. It is only going to get worse.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

A Time For Dying.

Hello friends. My dad passed away Friday morning at 6:20am. My mom and I got into town Thursday evening about 9:30, but we decided to wait until the next day to see him because he was having a pretty good day on Thursday. At first, I was just wrecked that I missed my chance to see him one last time. And then I reminded myself that I deliberately had made a decision not to see him like this... that I wanted my memories of him alive to be of him in March. He knew we were coming and I think he chose to go. He took that choice out of my hands. Dad always knew my heart.

We did go see him shortly after he passed and he died so peacefully. His hands were crossed over his stomach and he was clearly asleep. His soul leaving his body wiped every single line from his face; it became as smooth as a newborn baby (albeit a bit rough). I made note to self: make sure someone continues to moisturize my face when I am old and dying so that my skin is soft when I go.

We talked about dad's favorite things, and one of those was casinos. He moved out to Vegas for a while he liked them so much. So, we woke up very early this morning and drove for a couple of hours to go to Cincinnati and the casino Hollywood. We had a great time and I felt my dad's energy every time I hit it. I had a really good day. I think he was pulling some strings for me from high places:-) Normally, I would call him after some of those wins. In this case, I just talked to him right there at the machine. It is nice to know you can do that.

Tomorrow we meet with the funeral director to discuss the details. The funeral will be Wednesday. Because he is a veteran, he will get a military funeral with the 21 gun salute and the flag, etc. I know that I will cry through the whole thing. I cry through those when I don't even know the person, so this will be a gusher.

Thank you all for the support. I don't have easy access to internet here, so I apologize if your comment doesn't show up right away. I will get it and I do appreciate it. I love all of your feedback. Especially now. Thank you for continuing to show up.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Letters to Dad: How You Affirm Me

Dear Dad,

Whenever I wonder about the potency that my words have as a parent with C-Man and H-Girl, I think about the fact that when they were entrusted into my care, I found myself saying the EXACT same things to them that you and mom said to me. I am also keenly aware of the value of words that affirm a person. I vividly remember when we borrowed Uncle W's van to move my stuff out of my NYC apartment. You guys had me drive since I was more familiar with the city. All that really meant was that I knew how crazy NYC drivers were and my nerves were absolutely frayed at the thought of driving in that madness. But, I agreed. We found ourselves on a one-way street with cars parked along both sides of the street. This was not at all uncommon. Parking is terrible in the city. However, we reached a place where two very wide vehicles were parked right across from one another and it was a tight fit. I took one look at that and thought "Trouble."

However, you said, "You can do it, Rob." The thing was that you meant it. While my mind was replaying all of the times that I stalled out that Subaru stick shift the first time I tried to drive it, you were convinced I could pull this miracle off. So, I took a deep breath, sent up a prayer, and slowly pushed on through. No one was more surprised than I when we made it through, and there were no sounds of metal on metal or a bumper falling off. And then you said, "Yay! You did it! I knew you could." Boy, you were the only one, but that sure felt good. You knew I could.

I think that is how the impossible gets done. Someone says, "You can do it." And that person might not believe it, but they try. And because of someone else's belief in their ability, they succeed. We all need cheerleaders. People who believe we can exceed our own expectations. That is how we become great. Outstanding. Better than we ever thought we could be.

So, you have taught me two things. Not to give up. Keep striving for outstanding. And always, when given an opening, let someone else know that they can do it. They have the potential to be amazing. And when they exceed what they thought they could do, say, "Well, of course you could do it. I knew you could." And if they ask me how I knew, I will tell them my dad told me a long time ago.

I love you.


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Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Letters to Dad: Love Languages


Several years ago I read a wonderful book called The Five Love Languages. I was trying to understand why my relationships weren't working out. I wasn't yet ready to admit to the obvious (I had chosen terrible partners), but I did learn something unique and wonderful from this book. People understand love like they do language and if you aren't speaking their language, they do not feel loved. The five love languages are words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. Most people have a primary love language and, possibly, a secondary love language. It is only when people "speak" their language do they feel loved. Of course, they tend to show their love in the language that they understand.

I don't know if acts of service is the language that I understand, or the one that you understand, but it is the one that I would say we both understand. When I was overwhelmed with doing dishes, it was always you who walked into the kitchen and silently picked up the drying towel and set to work in order to make my job go faster. During the summer, I eagerly anticipated you coming home for lunch, so that you would make grilled cheese sandwiches. When I was learning to drive, you were the one riding shotgun, because it was too much of a strain on mom's nerves. I don't know how many times we made that circuit around the church parking lot. During my college years, I know that you worried about the maintenance on my car, and I always had you down to the filling station putting air in my tires each time I came home. You even made me a list of which gas stations had "good" gas. I still don't know the determining factor, but I only bought from your list. I kept it in the glove compartment. I thought of it as a Love List. My dad didn't want me buying bad gas.

It's unfortunate that you couldn't have made me lists to save me from every bump that comes down the road of life. I know that you would have had you been able. As it is, I wish that I could make a quick pop back in time and grab that gas station list out of that old car. I really miss that list.


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Monday, May 16, 2011

Letters to Dad: When I Was Young


When we were discussing memories of my childhood, I know that what you remember most when I was a kid my gymnastics. I was always cartwheeling, backbending, or forward walkovering down the hallway. I remember that, too. However, I also remember having really cold feet and curling up in your lap, sliding them under your legs, and settling in for warmth. I know that they were like ice blocks, but you never once complained. I felt very safe in that lap.

Do you remember that couch with that hidden leg in the middle? It was covered by the material swag (or whatever that is called of the couch). I constantly stubbed my toes on that thing, because I ran around without shoes. That experience was followed by me saying nasty things to the couch. Whenever you heard that, you would say something like, "You really shouldn't talk to the couch that way. It isn't the couch's fault." Ooooh. I would get so mad. Isn't the truth a terrible thing to have to deal with sometimes? Of course if wasn't the fault of the couch. However, that only left me being angry with myself and that didn't feel so good! I love how you took those little opportunities and used them for teaching moments. I have tried to do that with C-Man and H-Girl. It always amazes me when I saw the fruits of my efforts.

One of your great strengths was patience with people. I think back to how easily you dealt with Grandpa. He was such a difficult person. I think maybe you were used to dealing with difficult people. People who sucked all of the air out of the room. People who were used to being the sun and the rest of the people were planets who revolved around them.

I know that Nanny was likely one such person for you. By the time I knew her she had slowed down considerably, but I can imagine that in her day, she was the sun. In one of the last conversations that she and I had, in Athens, she told me that your dad was the only man she ever truly loved. I know that is tough to wrap your head around. It only goes to show how complicated love and people are. And it is a well-known fact to everyone, but you, that you were her favorite child. I tell you this for a couple of reasons. I am not sure that you really knew that your mother loved you. She did. So much so that she created a real problem with her daughter who was always trying to measure up. Families are so dysfunctional. And then your sister did the same thing with her kids. She favored her son over her daughter.

I know that you say that you and Nanny "made up," but I am not sure that you ever allowed yourself to fully love her because you felt betrayed by her. She did love you. So you can let that you go, before you go, if you haven't already. If you have, and you know that she loved you unconditionally, well this is just reinforcement.

I just heard something the other day that I will share with you. I have no doubt that I will get the opportunity to use it in my life since I heard it! If you are given the choice in a relationship to be right or be loved, it feels so much better to be loved. That isn't to say you shouldn't stand up for what is right. But you just don't have to be right all of the time. Sometimes that need to be right pushes people away. I tell you this so that you know that I am still growing. Still learning. And I know that I am not right all of the time. I just want people to feel loved. I love you dad. I will miss your wisdom.

But, most of all I will miss the man who would let me climb in his lap and warm my cold feet. You don't get many of those.


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Sunday, May 15, 2011


I knew someone who used to talk about rollercoasters in terms of stress. When it is really bad it is sort of like this: you are stuck in a rollercoaster park. All of the coasters are unlabeled. You must choose one. So, you get the stress of the choosing, the stress while you wait in line, and then the stress during the ride, and then you get to do it all again. Of course, everyone likes and dislikes different coasters. Give me the smooth ones with lots of up and down and tight curves. The wooden coasters and the ones that go upside down are the ones that alternately make me feel like I need a chiropractic readjustment or just downright sick to my stomach.

Yeah, this post is about my dad. I spoke to him just about a week ago and he was doing well. In fact, he was doing about the same as when he was initially diagnosed. He was still getting up daily and his pain meds hadn't increased at all. In other words, his routine was pretty much the same as right after his initial diagnosis. On Thursday of this past week all of that changed. Bam. No longer did he feel capable of getting out of bed, and he isn't able to eat or drink much of anything. That has affected his ability to speak. His need for pain meds also changed. He went from doing very well to looking like he has a life expectancy of about two weeks.

There are no words to truly express how shocked I am. He was using an alternative treatment that I think might have worked had he found it six months to a year ago. However, I was beginning to hope that it was going to work ~ even now ~ since he wasn't getting worse. You see, I was beginning to disbelieve the original diagnosis. I thought my dad was going to be the person to beat stage 4 cancer.

And then today arrived. My brother called and told me how bad it was and that my dad was not going to beat stage 4 cancer. My dad possibly would not live to see the month of June. Wow.

Hope is the best and the worst thing in the world.

I had to go lie down because it gave me in instant migraine. I know I jumped right in line for the roller coaster. I remember the people in my dream, but I don't know any of them. I just remember my parting shot at all of them being, before I woke up, "I don't have time for your crap and your drama. My dad is dying of cancer." I was literally crying when I came out of that sleep.

I pondered the what to do for a while. Talking on the phone is never good. He can't understand me and now it hurts him to talk. I considered going back up there, but I don't want to remember him like this. That decision was reinforced when I did talk to him today. It greatly upset him when I cried on the phone. He wants me to be okay with his dying. And I will be... eventually. But, I am not sure that it will be in less than a month. I don't want to make his passing worse. This cannot be all about me.

So, I suggested to my brother that I write my dad an email every day and he read it to him. I have decided that it is unimportant if dad remembers our history or not. I remember it. I want him to feel the love in it. And if it jogs his memory, that is wonderful. If it doesn't, than I will be remembering for both of us. It is the last gift I can give him before he goes.

I am thinking that I will post them here. You can read them or not. I will call them Letters To Dad and then give them a subtitle. If that is your thing, read away. If not, come back when it is over. Either way, I understand.

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Friday, May 13, 2011


SURPRISE. I know, I can hardly believe it myself. I began thinking about this post a week and a half ago. Yeah, I just don't move like I used to.... Anyway, I started writing ideas down as they hit me for this post and I finally pulled *this* together. Since it didn't even land on Thursday, I think we can all safely assume I am not quite ready to make this a weekly event just quite yet. However, I am moving in that direction. I really have missed the Thursday posts more than I can tell you.

If you are wondering what I am blathering on about, let me catch you up to speed. Drum roll please. I present to you HERE'S TO YOU FRIDAY. With love.

Here is what is going down: this is a weekly event. (It used to be a weekly event. And I hope it will be a weekly event again soon:-) The best (or worst) part is that I am not going to explain why I chose "whatever" footage for each of you. If, you watch your footage and are scratching your head at the end, well that means I didn't do a very good job. However, all is not lost. You can email me at and ask me what I was thinking when I chose that particular piece of footage off of youtube and connected it to you. And then I will tell you. Then I will start sending up prayers that I haven't offended the crap out of whoever is on the receiving end of that Because, honestly, I will tell you right now... I admire all of you enormously so I really hope that doesn't happen.

Also, this is not an exclusive venture by any means. I hope that you will take the time to watch ALL of the footage because I don't pick bad footage:-) I also hope that you might check out the blog of the person I dedicated the footage to because they are pretty darn awesome. If you haven't figured this out yet... I pick the footage based on something that you've written or something that I've gleaned from your personality. Think on that for a while... If you are having trouble watching the entire video (meaning it is being cut off on one side), click on it a couple of times and it will take you straight over to youtube. If you click on the four squares at the bottom corner of the video, it will enlarge it to fill your screen. The escape key will bring it back to normal size. The back arrow will bring you back to my page.

Now, let's get this PARTY STARTED!!!!

This one is for everyone:

This one is for Chris at A Deliberate Life:

This one is for That one girl at What Was I Saying Again:

This one is for Phoenix at Res ipsa loquitur:

This one is for Shoes at Red Shoe's Chronicles:

This one is for Yvonne at Writing My Life Away!:

This one is for Yenta Mary the Food Floozie:

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Monday, May 9, 2011

More Important To Be Right Or Be Loved?

I am always amused and awed when I get an email from one of asking if I am okay. It makes me realize that I haven't blogged in a week or so and you are wondering if I have kicked the bucket. Blogging friends truly are wonderful. My regular friends can go months and not think anything of it. Kind of a sad commentary, no?

I think I mentioned that my mom has been watching the Oprah Network. Well, she has sucked me in, too. I like "the story behind the story" and I like shows that are digging for personal truth. Sort of like what I try to do here. If you are having difficulty in your life or your relationships, work it out. A show that is now ending on OWN is The Judds. Apparently Naomi and Wynona have had a volatile relationship forever. There are so many reasons for it and they get into all of them. I try to imagine being a teenager and having my mother for a mom and a boss. So not cool. That made the transition from mother-daughter to mother-friend an unnatural one. They love each other like crazy BUT...

I think about how hard it would be to work that out on television. On the other hand, if no one worked out their issues publicly, other people wouldn't have the opportunity to learn. If Chris didn't write her weight loss/life blog, no one else would have all that great information. If Phoenix didn't write her love each better blog, I wouldn't stop and think I could be doing that better. If Shoes didn't write his crazy ass blog, I wouldn't laugh every day. If JJ didn't write his philosophical stuff, what would I think about? If Lira didn't post her struggling actress tips for others, they wouldn't have that foundation. [I could go on and on about all of your great blogs but my hands would lock into position over this keyboard. ALL of you are amazing.] This is what we do for one another. We live our lives out loud for ourselves and other people. Some do it in writing and others on TV.

I have learned so many things watching Naomi and Wynona interact. First of all, people often are the most cruel to the people that they love most. Second, if there were a device to take words back, everyone would buy one. Third, revelation is a slow process. I think it is because you have to understand yourself before you can understand another. Think on that for a while. Yikes. Fourth, it is essential to speak your truth. Until you do that, you do not feel free. You are shackled by silence that eats your soul. It is only in speaking your truth at all times that you can remain free. That doesn't mean shouting it with the most pain and bitterness you can throw, but speaking it gently with the solidness of its truth. That is all.

Last night, Wynona said how important it was to her to be right. All of these years it has been so important to be right. She never saw before that if there were a choice between being right and being loved, being loved was so much better.

The answer here is not to cave in to everyone else on everything just so that you are loved and they feel good about themselves. That just makes you a doormat and you lose your truth (#4). However, everyone deserves to be heard and both can be right from their viewpoint. Acknowledging another person's rightness is okay, too. It is saying I hear and love you. And that is where Naomi and Wynona arrived. Some people never get there. One person is right and another is wrong. There cannot be two right viewpoints on the same situation that are different!

Look at what that little bit of learning did for their relationship. Now they can apply that to all of their relationships. Everyone who watched that show can start processing that in their relationships. Powerful stuff.

I called the kids on Saturday just to talk to them. I had been trying to get hold of H-Girl all week. I had talked to C-Man last weekend. My ex called me yesterday to wish me Happy Mother's Day. He told me that the kids said we'd talked the day before AND that they'd said they'd wished me HMDay then. I corrected him by telling him that I had called them, but nothing had been said about Mother's Day. After we hung up, H-Girl's cell rang. It was C-Man calling to wish me HMDay. He was rushed b.c. it was close to their bedtime. I thanked him and told him to go on and get ready for bed. I asked about his sister. She came to the phone, but she was clearly ticked off by her tone of voice. I asked her how she was, etc. I could tell that she was not going to say HMDay, so I just told her good night and she said good-bye. And that was that.

I sent my ex an email asking him not to do that in the future. The kids are old enough to know the holidays. If they want to call, they will. If they don't, they won't. But forced expressions of love are not love. And I am hoping that H-Girl unwittingly employed tactic number one on me. People are often the most cruel to the people they love the most.