BULLET TRUTHS

Once again, it seems I have a gadzillion non-related things bouncing around in my head. So, it seems like a good time for a bullet point post. That way I can just throw it all against the wall, and it doesn't matter that one thing has nothing to do with the next. Another plus is that it doesn't even have to go in chronological order. Once upon a time, that would have been really important to me. Today, not so much. Now, it is more like *when I think it* seems like the right time.

• My Social Security Disability Hearing has been scheduled for May 22. I have known this for a while.
  
• I thought that getting a date would be great. And it is. But is also super stressful. And my migraines have been reflecting it since I got the notice.
  
• Why? Because this is really it. My ENT doctor says I can't drive because of the loss of my inner ear function in my ears. And he is right. I am dizzy. I lose my balance at inconvenient, unpredictable times. I have constant migraines. I cannot work. So, my ABILITY to work doesn't change no matter what the judge says.
  
• The only thing that changes is the amount of financial stress on my parents. If I get the SSD, I can help them with the expenses of the house and taking care of me. If I don't, they are already on the financial brink... this will push them over.
• It is a lot of stress.
• May 21, ironically enough, is the one year anniversary of my dad's death. I have tried to look at that in positive ways in light of my Hearing. Said things to myself like his spirit will be around to bring positive energy to the proceedings.
  
• And I hope that is true.
  
• I already think about him all the time. I am afraid that having the Hearing one day after the anniversary of his death will make me a wreck for the Hearing. Inside.
• I was lying in bed two nights ago and smelled hot cocoa so strong it was eerie. I knew I had a visitor from the Other Side, but I couldn't process the Who. By the time I figured out it had to be my Grandma (my mom's mom), she was gone. But it was really nice that she stopped by. Now that I know her "signature scent" I will know her faster next time:-)
• In the process of crawling out of the Rabbit Hole, I knew I needed to think about something else, so I started thinking about *something* that I am not quite ready to share. BUT that something led me down the path to another novel idea.
  
• I am shocked. Are you shocked?
• After my last novel debacle, I was convinced I was never going there again.
• However, this time I didn't jump out of bed and immediately start writing. I just thought about it. And thought about it. I spent days thinking about it. I knew that I needed to know how it started (solid) and how it ended (solid) and have some good plot points in the middle.
  
• Yeah, I learned something from the last disaster.
• About four days later I finally wrote up an outline of sorts. Just to see what it would look like on paper.
• I like it.
  
• I just don't want to dive into it and lose myself. I kinda did that before. I think that was what made the failure so crushing.
• But, I also don't want to be so slow about the thing that I get bored and lose my momentum. Fine line there. And I only feel good about two hours out of the day. Some days. Some days more. Some less. Lately less due to the bone crushing migraines. Literally bone crushing migraines.
• BTW, thank you Phoenix, for that excellent comment. I am thinking about putting that on an index card and taping it up in my bathroom. Yeah, I do that kind of stuff.
• I just finished watching the entire series (four seasons) of Everwood. That was a great show. Truly great. I cried through a lot of that. Not so awesome on the migraines, but what are you going to do?
  
• It made me think about falling down the rabbit hole. As people we all fall down the rabbit hole. At some time or another we all make a bad call. Bad decision. Sometimes very hurtful to ourselves and/or others. And it is what you do AFTER that determines what kind of person you are.
• In kid news, C-Man is not doing well at the fine arts magnet school. Apparently, things have deteriorated so badly that he may not pass his grade. He has DEFINITELY been kicked out of the program and back into public school. What this means for him personally: he will have to move back in with his father. This breaks my heart.
  
• I know that this child doesn't want to leave the stability of the home he is in, but the public school he is zoned for would eat him alive. He is a rather geeky kid anyway, and it is something like 90% black in a very tough neighborhood. I am afraid they would kill him. Literally.
  
• I am not happy about the other alternative either. My ex doesn't seem to understand that he is a role model. Perhaps, that isn't true. He has simply lived in the rabbit hole for too long. He can only teach what he knows.
• H-Girl, who flunked out last year... you didn't know this? Me either. I didn't find out until a couple of months ago. Apparently I wasn't in the need-to-know loop.
  
• Anyway, H-Girl, who moved in with her aunt and is in an entirely new school is STILL not doing all that well. She should be acing this stuff since she HAD IT LAST YEAR. But no. The Kids are on Spring Break right now and H-Girl forgot her Report Card at school, so no one knows what her grades were for this term.
  
• When my ex told me this, he indicated that he was certain it meant an "F" was on her Report Card. I could feel my head beginning to explode so I decided to end chat. I talked to H-Girl the next day, and she gave me no clues about what was on her Card. She also didn't indicate she was on any restrictions for the Break.
• That would never have flown in my house. I would have been grounded on What Might Have Been on my Report Card. Or just trying to Manipulate The Situation. In fact, I would have been grounded for all "Fs," even though my parents would have known that wasn't the case. The point was to not pull that stunt because they will make it worse.
• Of course, this was never a problem for me. I had very good grades. My brother didn't, but even he knew better than to try this crapola.
• I realize how ineffective I am in their lives. I can't do anything because I don't live with them. And they are STRESS CAUSING (so taking them on full-time is not an option). I can't take any more stress. Had my ex allowed H-Girl to live with me back in 2007, when I asked we might not be here, but he didn't, and this is where we are.
• Oh, and my best friend from high school, with the sick husband, is still mad at me. No changes there.
• Yvonne posted a question on one of my blogs asking if liars and cheaters can ever change. I think that House is right in that everyone lies. But that isn't what you are really asking me. I think that perpetual liars and cheaters do not change. The only possible thing that would cause someone like that to change is an *event* which would likely be horrific, that could cause that person to seek counseling. It would be so clear to them that THEIR lying, THEIR cheating caused the horrific event that they would WANT to make a change.
  
• The only reason people ever change is because of a deep desire to change. Change is hard. And, even then, having that change stick would be tough. Why? Because they are used to making the other choice. It is what feels natural. When put on the spot: tell the truth or lie, a liar is probably going to lie.
• Man, I am cynical. Telling the truth is hard. People don't always like the truth. It won't make you popular. Just makes you honest.
• And we live in a world where people value popular. Wow. That was something I didn't see coming. We have been getting that lesson since we were old enough to know which jeans were fashionable and which were not. Too bad they don't run honesty commercials on TV and make it just as enticing.

Well, I am tapped out. My two hours is up. Not sure that I covered everything, but that was pretty close.

Pastel in a Brilliant Life

This has been the strangest time. Seriously. My creativity has been in the crapper. My hormones are raging out of control and so are my migraines. So I basically feel lousy all of the time. I remember reading years ago in my book on severe adrenal fatigue that all it takes is a major crisis to knock you right on your butt and completely drain your reserves. For someone who has no reserves, that really messes you up. It helps you discover problems you didn't know you had. Like you needed that, right?

Anyway, you probably noticed my lack of blogging, reading, and commenting. My focus is still lousy. I have considered posting one of those "I'm taking a break" blogs, but that feels like quitting and I don't want to do that just yet. Matter of fact, I almost had a Thursday post a couple of weeks ago. I had several things jotted down, but it just never came to fruition. This is what I mean about my inability to focus.

I have also started writing a book about my health experience, which includes my dad's adrenal breakdown when I was a kid, and might end up including other people's health issues if I was really involved in them. The book is all about how I fell through the floor (lost everything) and is written from the perspective of a regular person. Not a medical journal. Not a doctor. I am not out to sell anything, tell you one way is better than another, etc. This is just my story and my goal is to share it and possibly help someone else from falling through the floor. My secondary goal is to use it to launch my Forging Hope Project. Yeah, it all circles back to being an instrument to help other people. The mission is to assist other people in their journey from illness to wellness.

In other news, I got a military ID card. My stepdad is retired military and we jumped through those hoops to prove that my medical problems today date back to before I was 21 y/o. Yeah, that was fun. While I was in Ohio dealing with my dad while he was still alive I was also calling all of my former doctors digging up any and all paperwork from my childhood. Anyway, we found some. On this one application with symptoms it said in my own hand (I was 13): headaches, nausea, aching in bones and muscles. That was a bit of a shock to read. Anyway, we gave it all to my current doctor to read over. She then submitted a letter to state that she believed that the roots of my current problems began in youth. It was clear that it did. She did. So, after the military sent back the letter saying that it needed to be rewritten in their format (and it was), I was quickly approved.

This means that I cancelled my old insurance (which sucked). I am now on Tricare and am part of my parents' plan. My Rxs are cheap. Yay. I am on a copay system. I can actually get testing and stuff done. Anything done at the base hospital will be free (I think) or very inexpensive. In other words, I can actually get some forward momentum on getting some of my health issues solved. This is such a blessing.

I am now in the third phase of SSD approval. This is when I am most likely to get approved. For my area, we are looking at about 10 months before it comes before the judge. That is how slowly the system is working. Some places it is as long as three years. So, I will keep my tongue in my mouth and not complain. When you win, they backpay you in one lump sum. The irony will be if they take so long that I will be able to work by the time they get to my case. That, of course, will be thanks to the military insurance assistance. I will have financially broken my parents since 2006 and I will just be getting well by the time my case comes up. lol.

I am not sure what I think about that.

I have been watching MY NAME IS EARL on DVD. It is hilarious. It is about this bad dude who wins a scratch off lottery ticket and immediately gets hit by a car. In the hospital he sees Carson Daly on TV talking karma. He says that he thinks he has this good life because he believes if you do good things, good things come back to you. Well, that is when Earl make his list of every bad thing he has ever done. He is certain karma is out to get him. He has to fix things or karma is going to kill him. While he is doing the first good thing, he finds his winning scratch off. The rest of the show is him doing the things on his list. H-i-l-a-r-i-o-u-s.

That cracks me up.

I try to laugh a little every day.

I guess that is all I have for now. Oh... I did get an IPod at long last. Love it. Still not real sure what I am doing. It has face chat on it. But I have no idea how to work it and don't know anyone else who has face chat. Now *that* is funny.

I hope that you have found something here to entertain, inform, or in some other way enlighten you. I do try to please.


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