Sunday, June 5, 2011

Keeping Up With Bullets (Bang)

You may or may not have noticed my lack of posting. This whole burying my dad thing has my head spinning. Kinda sorta literally. And my migraines are through the roof. And I am back to wanting to use the "F" word all of the time. I'm not. But I want to. Really really bad. And I think I am going to use the bullet post format because my head is all over the place and that way I don't have to make any sense. And that is going to be important I think.

  • So, yesterday at the pharmacy when I went to pick up my Rxs, I turned the corner, and I ran smack into the card section. It was all Father's Day cards. I couldn't help it. I stopped cold and stared at them for a few seconds and then kept on walking. I teared up, but didn't cry. I consider this progress.
  • I am crying now. So maybe not so much.
  • My migraines have been kickass ever since my dad died. I really think I might rip my head off of my shoulders with my bare hands. Has this ever been done?
  • The day of the funeral I caved and took hydrocodone. My head was KILLING ME. It didn't touch it. I mean not at all.
  • The worst part was that I had to act like I felt fine. Meet and greet and thank people for coming. Several of dad's high school classmates came. That was very cool.
  • Last night at karaoke several of the people from my mom's church said something first thing about my dad and how sorry they were. So, I know that the word was out about what happened. Mom missed church two Sundays in a row because of being in Ohio for the funeral.
  • However, this one guy came in and was talking to her about having to put his cat down last night and how sad it was. She was sitting next to me and he kept going on about it. Then he pulled out his camera phone and showed pictures of the cat to both of us. All the while, my mom had to keep saying how sorry she was about his cat. However, he said not one word about how sorry he was that my father just died.
  • My sister-in-law says that I think everything is all about me. I say this now because this story is possibly one more example that might be true.
  • Am I one of those people who thinks that everything is all about them?
  • For the record, I do feel sorry for this guy over the loss of his cat. I know that losing a pet is painful. I would have been somewhat more sensitive to it had he shown any sensitivity to me over the loss over losing my parent. Just sayin'.
  • You might be wondering how I know my sister-in-law thinks the above. She told me at the gathering after the funeral. I'd had a couple of beers. You know, I was mixing it with my hydrocodone to try and get some relief for my miserable migraine. Anyway, she was talking with someone that I had been talking with earlier and I walked up and I thought they were talking about the same thing we were talking about before.
  • I was wrong. And that something was related to me.
  • And she informed me that not everything is about me, contrary to what I believe.
  • At which point, I decided to be Ellie from Cougar Town. You can consult previous clips I have posted to get a better grip on the Ellie personality.
  • In this case, I placed my elbow on the table with my back to her facing the other person and resumed conversation with HIM, totally ignoring her. I figure two people can be rude just as easily as one.
  • She then says, "So when are you and your mom going back to Georgia?"
  • I then step back from the table and say, "Okay, I'm back in." As in, if we are talking about me, I am once again interested.
  • I don't recall if I answered the question or not because it was unimportant.
  • I really think my life would be a sitcom if I lived anywhere near my brother and sister-in-law. Or a tragedy. Not sure which.
  • I gave the minister who did the service for my dad the letters that I posted here. I also ended up telling him (in brief) about my Big Idea. After the service he leaned over and hugged me and told me I was blessed by God.
  • On the one hand it kind of freaked me out. But then again, I got the idea from a voice that I think was God. That would probably freak him out. So, maybe being told by a minister that you are blessed by God is really fantastic.
  • For the record, I did ask him about it (because of my degree of being freaked out) and he said that after listening to my idea he prayed about it. And he knew I was blessed by God.
  • Take from that what you will.
  • I didn't tell my sister-in-law about that. I already think everything is all about me. That would have sent her to to the freaking moon.
  • Maybe I should change the name of my blog. What do you think? I could call it IT REALLY IS ALL ABOUT ME. Seriously, I do need to change it. There has been nothing daily about the dose.
  • Did I tell you that when my dad died all of the lines went out of his face? He died at 78 and had not even one wrinkle. Complete peace.
  • One last thing about my sister-in-law: I have decided that she doesn't particularly dislike me. She just has a lot on her plate and it is overflowing. Her filter is gone. Her mom's cancer is back and she is now in the same situation as my dad. Her own dad is very difficult to live with and makes her life hard. That will get worse now that her mom's cancer is back. Her mother is the only thing anchoring her dad to reality. So, pray for her. A person can only handle so much stress and this has already been a terrible year. It is only going to get worse.


  1. Everyone believes their grief is the worst grief ever. You're no different than the next person.

  2. I don't think that my grief is the worst grief ever. I get that losing a loved one is hard for everyone and it remains hard. Time eases it to a degree, but that person leaves a hole that never gets filled. We learn to live with the loss. I kinda think you sort of hit the barn Anonymous, but missed the target here. Had you responded by name I would have sent you an email and not pointed that out so blatantly in the comments. Sorry. Having done so, it once again looks like this whole dang thing is all about me. Or you not getting me and what I said....

  3. Grief is difficult no matter who is experiencing it. It just flat out sucks. I hate going through it and I even tend to avoid it--which makes for a whole lot of other issues. My dad has just received a diagnosis of prostate cancer. He's 76 and his doctor is an ass. The second opinion appt. is Tuesday.

    Nice of you to show concern for your SIL---but are you sure you want to do that? That would be something that's not about you...LOL

    I'm thinking of you daily- I wish I had just the right words, but I don't. I never do in these situations.

  4. I truly do grieve for anyone who must journey through life anonymously.

    As for Ms. Robin, she sure as shit is different. This is one tough lady. I share in her grief.

  5. a pet is not a person number 1. number 2. I feel for your sister in law. It's got to be very very difficult. And as for thinking everything is about you...Have you EVER had anyone say that you think it's all about you before? If it happens frequently then it's something to think about...if not, it may be an impression she has picked up over time and maybe you could talk to her about it. Or not. If you simply don't care. lol. My mil takes things adn twists them till they are unrecognizable. Sometimes someone' filter isn't just's got a filter that they have concocted just for you that is garanteed to find everything you say or do insulting. In that case...ignoring them is the best offense and defense. I have met narcissists, and you aren't a narcissist.

  6. Robin- I too am one who thinks about you daily but doesn't quite know what to say.
    The dude with the cat is probably maladjusted in some way.
    Your SIL sounds a little bit evil- I could be wrong though...
    You are dealing well with this and seem totally normal in this situation to me.
    So good to hear from you again!

  7. I feel sorry for Anonymous; I completely followed your bullet points and saw you hurting, grieving, feeling humble, vulnerable, accepting, and most of all, loving.

    Truly, one blessed by God.

    I haven't released you from my internet hug yet. I hope you still can feel my embrace, and that it gives you some peace.

  8. Oy!!! Truly, you live your own telenovela. Callousness, indifference, grief, loss, pain ... and still you keep your sense of humor. I would absolutely change the name of the blog to "It Really Is All About Me" -- I think it's priceless, especially for someone who has as kind a spirit and generous a heart as YOU do!

  9. @Empty Nester - My heart hurt for you when you posted that your dad received that diagnosis. If it is cancer (and it sounds like it might be) get a doctor who listens (and is kind) and is very good at the job. That is so important. The disease is bad enough without having to deal with a doctor who is an ass. I will be praying for you and your dad.

    @JJ _Thank you.

    @Chris - Honestly I don't want to downplay losing a pet too much, because I still cry whenever I talk about our childhood dog. And I know that it will be a terrible blow when my dog Shelby dies. Pets are like family members. I did feel for that guy and his cat. I really did. He was just so wrapped up in his own stuff that he was oblivious to the fact that he was crying about his cat when my dad had just died. My mom says that he has a lot going on right now and can't see the forest for the trees. I think maybe we all go through phases like that. And thank you for your reassurance on my personality. Good to know that I am NOT a narcissist.

    @Yellow Rose Jasmine - Girl, you can say just about anything you want on this blog. If you speak a truth with kindness than just about anything can roll. I am not sure that I am dealing with this as well as I would like. I was doing yoga there for a while and this broke my routine. My head is again hurting so bad that I am having a really hard time *functioning*. I was hoping to start putting together my website and I just don't have the energy. I know that I will get there, but I feel robbed of all my energy. Or maybe just the pain of the headache has got it all for now. I will get there. I can put on a good front. I am not really coping that well.

    @Lira- Thank you. I know now that I didn't overreact (with certainty) to what Anonymous said. I really needed a hug today. I woke up with another really awful migraine so thank you for making my day just a little bit better. And I can always use some peace.

  10. Mary-Thank you for making me laugh. A telenova. Yep. That is my life.

  11. Oh Rob... I don't know where to begin. First, I love ya'. Second, Could you give me your SIL's address or maybe her phone number? I'd like to give her a little lesson (bet you thought I was gonna say ass-whoopin') about narcissists. See.. they're usually the one's going around telling other people that THEY think it's all about them.

    Small consolation though it may be, I still can't walk down the card aisle close to Father's Day without it all flooding up inside. The heart feels what it feels.

    The guy with the cat may or may not have a lot on his plate, but some folks are the same either way. Bless your great big beautiful heart for giving him and your SIL some compassion. I'm not sure I could do that.

    That minister was right, my friend. You are blessed. I just wish I could make those migraines vanish into thin air... If there's anything at all that I can say or do, just say the word, OK? Holding you in my heart and keeping you in my prayers,

    Gentle Hugs, M.

  12. Hey sweetie...

    I wish I could do bullet comments...

    (@) When a parent passes, it IS ok for it to be all about you...

    (@) It IS always ok to cry over the loss. My Mom has been gone 30 years... *sighs* and Dad 15 years... *another sigh*... and I still cry...

    (@) Did I say that it was ok for it to be all about you??

    (@) These are those kinds of times when it's ok... when the hurt is so huge that we just don't think we can stand another second...

    (@) Huggles


  13. hope you are feeling better today. Thinking of you.

  14. My deepest sympathy for the loss of your father. Having lost my father, recently, and my first husband, not so recently … my heart goes out to you—it’s a difficult time! I remember a quote by Helen Keller given to me by a friend, “The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched, they must be felt with the heart”. You’ll be in my thoughts and prayers!

    BTW-I found you through Mrs. B who highlighted your wonderful blog today. God bless

    ...and for what it's worth~I like the name of your blog, just sayin' ;-D

  15. Of course it's all about you...
    My dad was ill 10 years ago..we almost lost him more than once, during that time I couldn't understand how the rest of life continued. What was with these people? Didn't they know my dad was ill?
    Unfortunately, cancer is now claiming his body...stupid disease!
    For now, we spend time together daily as he is living with me...but it's hard to see him failing. I will take everyday we're given and be thankful for them.
    Thanks for your posts...I'll be praying your headaches ease up...Stress sucks, but grief is worse!


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