It's Got A Name Now

I just got test results back that should be soul crushing. The doctor gave them to me not knowing that I would get on the web and research and research and research. And the more I researched the worse the news would be. The irony is that I am not feeling remotely crushed. I could be if not for a series of circumstances that altered his test making him think one thing and me knowing another. More on that later. Probably a lot more. Turns out I am more like my dad than I would have ever believed. Schmidt's Syndrome. The source of at least some of my problem. It is autoimmune. Of course. Turns the antibodies in your system against you and attacks things like your thyroid and adrenal gland. (Accept for one hitch here which I will explain later, hence my lack of soul crushing as noted above.)

It can also go after the rest of your endocrine system. And you should be checked out regularly, because you can be okay one day and not so much the next. The antibodies can just decide that your pancreas is the enemy one day. Or your liver. Or your kidneys. Or, get this... your vascular system. You know that lovely system that shrinks tight and causes... migraines. You can develop antibodies that attack your vascular system. Who knew?

It sucks being sick. It really sucks being sick and not knowing why.

In other news, I have found a purpose. At least for today. I will share it with you later. It is a small one. But no one changed the world in one giant swoop. It was always with tiny footsteps. Little bits of courage change one life at a time.

It is what you do at that crucial moment.

I checked my email today and JJ asked me when I was going to be ready to blog again. He was looking for a specific date. I know that he meant regularly. I used to be a daily blogger. I am not there yet. I don't when I will be. However, I will try to be better than I have been. I don't think not blogging is doing me any favors, so I will just commit to trying to being better than I have been.

Emptynester commented on my last post with a question about my migraines. Yes, I do have them all of the time. I have had this migraine since 2003. Every day. The only thing that varies is the level of severity. Sometimes it is really terrible. I call those bonecrushing. That is my own term. Other times it is more of a nuisance. I don't even take anything for it. It still wears on me just because it is chronic. It is like being tapped all of the time in the head with a tiny little hammer on those days. It doesn't really hurt. It is just annoying to the nth degree. Sadly, I haven't experienced a migraine like that in a long time. It has been all pain, all the time since my dad was diagnosed in February. Simply brutal.

I also get them behind my right eye. One of my friends who also get migraines says that if you stick a finger up each nostril far enough and press, you will find a spot that is very painful, but it will knock out that ocular part of the migraine. Well... in desperation I tried this little trick. My nostrils aren't wide enough to accommodate my fingers. I could just barely touch the painful area she was referring to, but she was right, because it did hurt. I could just barely reach the place inside my nostril that I was supposed to press together firmly. Just touching the periphery on both sides was excruciating. I cannot imagine the pain of actually being able to reach the area and smashing it together. I think I might have passed out. This stuff just isn't for sissies. Let me tell ya.

I did see the Green Lantern in 3D with a friend of mine. Not being a big comic book reader (sorry Phoenix, I hope you didn't hurt yourself), I really wasn't prepared for the awesomeness of this superhero. Our Green Lantern is only one of many Green Lanterns. They each have a grid in the solar system to protect. They get a ring and a lantern. They are chosen because they are fearless. That is one concept that gets worked over pretty good in the movie. Actually fear gets discussed quite a bit, but I don't want to ruin it for you. However, one thing our hero doesn't really get is that Green Lanterns aren't chosen because they are fearless. They are chosen because of their courage. No one is fearless. Everyone has fear. It is what you have at your core. It is what you do at that crucial moment. That is what counts. That is courage. It is the ability to overcome fear and do what needs to be done.

The other thing that I liked best about the Green Lantern is what fuels the Green Lantern's power. It is the will of the people. In other words, the Green Lantern might wear the ring, but he is only as strong as the will of the people. We are what make the Green Lantern strong. And all of the other living beings in the Universe fuel all of the Green Lanterns. The other superpower that Green Lantern has is to create any object simply by thinking of it. If he can think it, it will appear. It is through his sheer will. This is how he fights evil.

What a fantastic object lesson. It is through sheer will that you fight evil. Everyone is afraid, but digging deep and finding courage, you find yourself. If you think it, it will appear. If you focus on it, it will become reality.

You may be asking yourself right now why I am not focusing all of that amazing energy on ridding myself of my migraines. Excellent question, Holmes. I can't focus. Believe me, I have tried. That is the trap of chronic pain. I have tried. The key to achieving vibration with something and bringing it into your life is to be able to maintain focus on what you want (and not what you don't want). And when you have bonecrushing migraines you just can't keep your focus off of them. At least, I can't. And that, my friend, keeps them in your reality even though you don't want them. I need to break the pain cycle long enough to keep my attention off of them, so that they are out of my reality. Once that happens, well then we are off to the races. I know what needs to be done. And I think *pretty soon* we are going to get there.

I think I will start focusing on that reality. I will let you know how it works out.

In other news... I am dreaming about my dad nearly every night. I can't remember any of the dreams. Or just fragments. I am sure he just wants me to know he is okay. And just once, about a week ago, he dropped in on me. We prearranged before he died that he would let me know he was around by "perfuming" the air with apple cider vinegar. I was sitting here at the computer and I got a big whiff of apple cider vinegar out of nowhere. It didn't last long. However, I know that he is letting me know he is fine. Of course, I always knew that. I just miss him.

image by www.weheartit.com

AN ADDENDUM: MARSHALL MATHERS, I AM TALKING TO YOU!

Obviously, this is bugging me or I wouldn't be writing this. This is an addendum to this blog that I wrote earlier today (COULD YOU BE THIS HONEST?). It was actually a follow-up to this blog from the day before (I LOVE THE WAY YOU LIE). I am only posting the links so that you can catch up if you are reading this and thinking, "What in the world is she blathering on about now?" It should bring you up to speed.

I felt pretty good about my first blog, I LOVE THE WAY YOU LIE, until someone more knowledgeable than I on the person of Eminem pointed out some things. I was impressed that he had taken time off from the business (it was actually five years, not three), went through rehab for himself, and not for anyone else, and came out a stronger person for it. And I said that he was honest about how abuse can go down. It's ugly. And he really manned up in that video. In other words, he had intimate knowledge of the subject matter and he still threw it out there. However, the way he did it was in such a way that it was very clearly saying that it was NOT OKAY. He was also saying that too many people can't break free from abusive relationships no matter how bad it gets. Or at least that is what the video was saying. And that is THE TRUTH. I like honesty. Give me honesty over bullcrap any day of the week. So, what I said in that blog was ABOUT THAT SONG. The only other reference points I had for Eminem were his songs NOT AFRAID, which is also off the new album (and is amazing), and the song AIRPLANES 2. That is it.

The problem when you don't know your history on someone is it distorts the view. I don't know if that is better or worse. In the case of that blog, I think it was better because I wasn't talking about the man, I was talking about the song. Could I tell that he knew something about abuse from the lyrics of that song? Yes. Rage? Yes. Has he maybe been on both sides of that coin? Maybe. I don't know. Whatever. Veering off the course.... I said in today's blog that Misery posted a comment about who he is as a person that might not make me think so highly of him. That sent me slogging through what I could find out about the guy. I wanted facts and not rumors. You know what the truth is? Confusing.

I think I got it right on the blog I posted today, but maybe not all the way right. Hence the addendum. Do I admire the Marshall Mathers III before he went into drug rehab (for himself) as a person? He went into drug rehab before that for other people and it didn't take. It never takes until you want to do it for you. It doesn't take until you admit that you can't beat it. That the drugs are controlling you. For someone in hiphop (macho image yada yada) to say that was big. Huge even. That was when he reclaimed his life. Maybe when his real life started. Someone on drugs and someone not on drugs are two different people. Back to my question about MM III before he went into rehab... do I admire that guy? No. However, even then he lived his life honestly. Like I said in my earlier blog. It wasn't always pretty, but it was honest. Sometimes it was scary as crap.

Lira posted a comment about his dual personas: Eminem and Slim Shady. I don't even know what that means. That is how little I actually understand Marshall Mathers. But, as much anger as I have seen him throw at his ex-wife, I have never seen him throw anything but love at his daughter. And then he has gone and adopted at least one other girl. There is more here than meets the eye.

Since I was married to someone who was verbally abusive, I have been asked more than once if I think people who are abusive can change. My answer to that has always remained the same. Only if they really want to change. Only if they recognize that they have a problem and they decide that they want to change for themselves ~ not because someone else is threatening to leave them, etc. It is when they look in the mirror and decide that I want to do this for me. If you have a life-altering experience that changes the way you see everything, yes, I think you can change. But you have to want it. More than you want anything because it is going to be hard.

The bottom line here is that I can't judge the man. I don't even want to judge the man. I have seen a live interview that he gave that was very impressive. He admitted his drug problem and that his first stint in rehab was for other people. It wasn't until he almost overdosed and died that he realized that he had a serious problem. He could not quit. That moment changed his life. When he went into rehab that time it was for himself and he came out a different person. The music seems healthier. The man seems healthier. However, I am never going to be your go-to person on what the celebs are doing because I just don't read the rags. Now, you have got me making an exception...



So, Marshall Mathers, you are now on my radar. I got my eye on you, and I am so hoping that you do me proud and keep your priorities straight. And it would be really nice if you didn't drop the FBomb so much all the time when you're talking. I mean, I know you got an image and all, but the kids are listening!