Getting Found and Reflections

Did you participate in the A to Z? Have you ever participated in the A to Z?

If you read my "Z" post, you know that back when I started blogging in 2010, I was a wreck. My whole world revolved around pain medication and trying to hold on to my sanity. My migraines raged so badly that I couldn't see anything but THAT. Who I used to be (pre-migraines) was so far in my rear view that I couldn't remember that person and the future was looking too much like the present. I couldn't see this version of me, the person I am now becoming. It was too far out of my field of vision.

The worst part was that I felt useless. Without purpose. We think that we need hope to survive. I would argue that we do not. What we need is purpose. I didn't have ANY hope back then that my life would change even remotely for the better. Blogging gave me Purpose. Purpose sustained me. Each day I typed out a blog bit hoping that I would find myself. I knew that I was lost in a place called Desolation. Did it matter that the writing I was doing was read by so few people? No. Eight or nine people (and eventually more) faithfully read what I was writing and it was enough. Even when no one read this blog, I still had a Purpose. I needed a reason to get out of bed every day. Blogging was the string that kept me and my sanity within spitting distance of one another.

Since I started that journey back in 2010 my motivations changed several times. Blogging started out as a Purpose. When I started writing my first WiP (now in the drawer) I discovered other writers, agents, and more on here. It felt like coincidence... because I still do not understand how it happened. I found one writer's blog and it led me to the rest. I learned so much about the craft to improve my writing and how to submit all of that Writer Goodness to an agent. Then, totally disheartened, I shelved my WiP and deleted some of those sites. Ha! Have you ever done that??? I am still no good at "finding" blogs on here. I stumble into them or they find me. 

I remember when I found Alex Cavanaugh's blog. Yeah, the guy is EVERYWHERE and it took me years to ferret out his blog. This is what I am SAYING (about me). I followed. He followed back. He left me good comments and encouraged me to start on another WiP. I mentally scoffed. I could faintly hear Buddy Holly in the background crooning "That'll Be The Day." And then I found so many of the rest of you. Or you found me. Again, not sure how that works. And I kept stumbling into more writer sites, agent sites... AGAIN. And that desire to write surged once more. I launched into another journey of writing.

I decided to help all of you with my A to Z Theme this year by showcasing some of my favorite blogs.... so that you could find them. So many of you did. You read, you liked, you clicked over to their blog, and you followed. I learned that even while I like-love all of the blogs I featured during this to A to Z, some of you didn't. And that is okay. I can still hear my nanny in my head saying to me, "Why aren't you eating that?" I would say nothing because the truth was I didn't like it, but didn't want to hurt her feelings. She continued, "You like what I like. Now eat it." I approached this A to Z kinda like that. I thought all of you would like what I like,would want dessert, and more. Turns out that you like some of what I like.

I participated in the A to Z to find and get found. I consider this year a success. I found a handful of blogs that I enjoy very much and am now following. And I picked up a handful of new readers. I am blogging because I like it. Blogging now means connection and support and friends. Yes, I consider some of you wonderful friends that I would miss so very much if you quit or I quit. It no longer is the string keeping me in touch with my sanity. That is how far I've come.

How about you? What did you find during the month of April?

This post is Reflections on The A to Z. Yes, it is part of a bloghop.  You can sign up Here to participate or read the links.

More Important To Be Right Or Be Loved?

I am always amused and awed when I get an email from one of asking if I am okay. It makes me realize that I haven't blogged in a week or so and you are wondering if I have kicked the bucket. Blogging friends truly are wonderful. My regular friends can go months and not think anything of it. Kind of a sad commentary, no?

I think I mentioned that my mom has been watching the Oprah Network. Well, she has sucked me in, too. I like "the story behind the story" and I like shows that are digging for personal truth. Sort of like what I try to do here. If you are having difficulty in your life or your relationships, work it out. A show that is now ending on OWN is The Judds. Apparently Naomi and Wynona have had a volatile relationship forever. There are so many reasons for it and they get into all of them. I try to imagine being a teenager and having my mother for a mom and a boss. So not cool. That made the transition from mother-daughter to mother-friend an unnatural one. They love each other like crazy BUT...

I think about how hard it would be to work that out on television. On the other hand, if no one worked out their issues publicly, other people wouldn't have the opportunity to learn. If Chris didn't write her weight loss/life blog, no one else would have all that great information. If Phoenix didn't write her love each better blog, I wouldn't stop and think I could be doing that better. If Shoes didn't write his crazy ass blog, I wouldn't laugh every day. If JJ didn't write his philosophical stuff, what would I think about? If Lira didn't post her struggling actress tips for others, they wouldn't have that foundation. [I could go on and on about all of your great blogs but my hands would lock into position over this keyboard. ALL of you are amazing.] This is what we do for one another. We live our lives out loud for ourselves and other people. Some do it in writing and others on TV.

I have learned so many things watching Naomi and Wynona interact. First of all, people often are the most cruel to the people that they love most. Second, if there were a device to take words back, everyone would buy one. Third, revelation is a slow process. I think it is because you have to understand yourself before you can understand another. Think on that for a while. Yikes. Fourth, it is essential to speak your truth. Until you do that, you do not feel free. You are shackled by silence that eats your soul. It is only in speaking your truth at all times that you can remain free. That doesn't mean shouting it with the most pain and bitterness you can throw, but speaking it gently with the solidness of its truth. That is all.

Last night, Wynona said how important it was to her to be right. All of these years it has been so important to be right. She never saw before that if there were a choice between being right and being loved, being loved was so much better.

The answer here is not to cave in to everyone else on everything just so that you are loved and they feel good about themselves. That just makes you a doormat and you lose your truth (#4). However, everyone deserves to be heard and both can be right from their viewpoint. Acknowledging another person's rightness is okay, too. It is saying I hear and love you. And that is where Naomi and Wynona arrived. Some people never get there. One person is right and another is wrong. There cannot be two right viewpoints on the same situation that are different!

Look at what that little bit of learning did for their relationship. Now they can apply that to all of their relationships. Everyone who watched that show can start processing that in their relationships. Powerful stuff.

I called the kids on Saturday just to talk to them. I had been trying to get hold of H-Girl all week. I had talked to C-Man last weekend. My ex called me yesterday to wish me Happy Mother's Day. He told me that the kids said we'd talked the day before AND that they'd said they'd wished me HMDay then. I corrected him by telling him that I had called them, but nothing had been said about Mother's Day. After we hung up, H-Girl's cell rang. It was C-Man calling to wish me HMDay. He was rushed b.c. it was close to their bedtime. I thanked him and told him to go on and get ready for bed. I asked about his sister. She came to the phone, but she was clearly ticked off by her tone of voice. I asked her how she was, etc. I could tell that she was not going to say HMDay, so I just told her good night and she said good-bye. And that was that.

I sent my ex an email asking him not to do that in the future. The kids are old enough to know the holidays. If they want to call, they will. If they don't, they won't. But forced expressions of love are not love. And I am hoping that H-Girl unwittingly employed tactic number one on me. People are often the most cruel to the people they love the most.