Friday, March 25, 2011

L is for Losing Focus

I really didn't want to write anything today. I am having focus problems. Dear friends, I love reading your blogs. I truly do. In fact, many a day I enjoy reading your blogs more than I like writing my own. Some days I just read your blogs and I don't write one of my own. This is all pre-cancer news. Since finding out about my dad and his terminal diagnosis, I just can't focus. Period. I tell myself that writing a blog will be good for me. In fact, that is what I am telling myself right now. I told myself that reading your blogs would be good for me, but I couldn't focus in order to actually accomplish the task. Do I want to know what you're doing? Yes. Am I interested? Yes. Why can't I focus? I have no idea.

Do I want to blog about what happened with my dad? Yes and no. Mostly no right now.

Do I want to blog about what happened with my sister-in-law? Yes and no. Mostly no right now.

Do I want to blog about the meeting with an old friend from school? Yes. But, I can't really focus. It's a good story and I want to get it right.

Do I want to blog about the doctor appt my dad had with the surgeon who removed his colon and hooked him to the colostomy bag? And then what he said to me? Yes and no. Mostly no right now. Some doctors deserve to be smacked. He needs a good smacking. And he isn't going on my list of doctors when my website goes up. Just sayin'.

Do I want to blog about how great Hospice is? Yes and no? Mostly yes. But not right now. It makes me sad. And happy. Happy sad.

I did think of Phoenix's blog on pushing more love toward situations that you can't control. If you have tried everything else, try pushing more love toward it. I even did that. It helped and then it didn't. And then I decided to focus on what mattered. Now, the old me who could focus better would find that blog and link up to it. Why? Because it was an awesome blog that she probably wrote about eight months ago and I still remember it. A blog has to be pretty darn awesome to stick in my brain for that long. Would I like to write more about the details of this? Yes and no.

Why? Because Chris over at A Deliberate Life just wrote a blog a few days ago on Letting Go of Resentment. I didn't comment on that blog. Why? Because I couldn't focus. However, it really hit home for me. Sometimes people are who they are. I pretty much had that one figured out before I left Ohio, but reading that blog was kind of the last straw, so to speak. It helped me just to let it all go. You aren't going to change people. Not everyone is going to like you. You can be as nice to them as you know how to be. You can be yourself (how can you be anyone else?). And if they still just don't like you, they don't like you. All you can do is continue to be kind to them and treat them as nicely as you know how. That is it. Keep pushing love toward them. And if they still don't like you, well that is on them. But, let it go. You aren't going to win them all and that is that.

The last thing I can think of right now is that my neighbor suggested that I write (as in email) my congressman and then follow it up with a phone call about Social Security denying my SSDI claim. She said she worked some government agency back in the day (Medicaid maybe) and it really got the ball rolling for someone if a Congressman took an interest. Anyway, she said that because they denied my claim based on four doctors (it was supposed to be 2 of mine and 2 of theirs), but one of the doctors was someone I had never seen, I had reason to involve my Congressman. I also had reason to involve my Congressman because my representative in this case said "This kind of thing happens all the time." They were jaded by the system and how it wasn't working and not willing to fight. Their answer was an appeal, which we would have done anyway. So, blog friends, in your opinion do you think that writing and calling your local Congressman is the way to go here to speed up this process? I am interested in your thoughts...

Okay, I promise to try and be a better blog friend, and get my stuff together, so that I can put coherent thoughts together, so that I can actually read your posts. As it is, I read a little here and a little there. But, I mostly don't feel able to comment. It is very sad. I never really thought the day would come when this girl would be at a loss for words. (silently shaking head now in disbelief) So, I will work on my focus issues and hope that you bear with me while I sort it all out.

image found at

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

I am back but look a lot like roadkill.

This is going to be another short one (I think). I am back home, but very tired. So much happened in the two weeks that I was gone. I suppose that the best thing was that I came to a place of acceptance about my dad and his cancer. It is still really hard for me to imagine this world without him in it, but we all leave this body sometime. And that is one true thing. For everyone.

I will post more details as I get them sorted out in my head. I also have some pictures that I will post. Though I have to say that it hurts my heart a bit to look at them. My dad was 6 feet tall. He says that he has lost a couple of inches. Despite that loss, 130 pounds just doesn't look good on him. He is sitting in the recliner and it just swallows him right up. With that weight loss, he looks my nanny (his mother), which is something I never saw before. She was always very thin and angular. Of course, he was always on the thin side. Now he is on the gaunt side and the resemblance is a bit uncanny. Or not. She was his mother, after all.

We also visited (briefly) our next door neighbors while I was growing up. I have dreamt recently frequently of my old house. The Miranda Lambert song, The House That Built Me, will often make me cry. I even considered knocking on their door and breaking song acapella. Yeah, kinda desperate, but I haven't been inside since my parents moved out while I was in college. When we drove by my jaw dropped. They resided the house. It isn't blue anymore. It is this awful beige color. It doesn't even look like our house. They tore down the barn that was in the back and built a blue monstrousity. These are the same people who bought the place from my folks. Not much turnover in that neighborhood. Anyway, they aren't very well liked according to my old neighbors. Given that info, I decided against the song. That and I might cry at the interior changes they've made. That wouldn't have been pretty. Given my stress levels already, more stress didn't seem to be the right call. However, we had a lovely visit with my former neighbor and her daughter just happened to be there with her husband and kids. I hadn't seen her in years. Excellent chance to catch up.

Anyway, I will give you more details next blog. And I will start reading tomorrow. Yah, that means no Thursday event again this week. However, things should be on track for next week. I have appreciated all of your support throughout this difficult time. You all are awesome.

Friday, March 4, 2011


Thursday is normally the day that I celebrate all of the amazingness that you contributed to blogland this week. However, it is arriving a day late. I hope that it is just as exciting on Friday. So, drum roll please. I present to you HERE'S TO YOU FRIDAY. With love.

Here is what is going down: this is a weekly event. The best (or worst) part is that I am not going to explain why I chose "whatever" footage for each of you. If, you watch your footage and are scratching your head at the end, well that means I didn't do a very good job. However, all is not lost. You can email me at and ask me what I was thinking when I chose that particular piece of footage off of youtube and connected it to you. And then I will tell you. Then I will start sending up prayers that I haven't offended the crap out of whoever is on the receiving end of that Because, honestly, I will tell you right now... I admire all of you enormously so I really hope that doesn't happen.

Also, this is not an exclusive venture by any means. I hope that you will take the time to watch ALL of the footage because I don't pick bad footage:-) I also hope that you might check out the blog of the person I dedicated the footage to because they are pretty darn awesome. If you haven't figured this out yet... I pick the footage based on something that you've written or something that I've gleaned from your personality. Think on that for a while... If you are having trouble watching the entire video (meaning it is being cut off on one side), click on it a couple of times and it will take you straight over to youtube. If you click on the four squares at the bottom corner of the video, it will enlarge it to fill your screen. The escape key will bring it back to normal size. The back arrow will bring you back to my page.

Now, let's get this PARTY STARTED!!!!

This one is for everyone:

This one is for JJ The Disconnected Writer:

This one is for Martha at A Real (Upstate) NY Housewife:

This one is for Mitzi at Daily Reflection (this is for anyone who thinks your fantastic new do makes you look old; you can send them this

This one is for Chris at A Deliberate Life:

This one is for Shoes at Red Shoe's Chronicles:

This one is for Phoenix at Res Ipsa Loquitur:

image found at

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Take a quick trip with me.

On the Crazy Train. I haven't forgotten about the Thursday post. It is just pushed to Friday. How shocking! Anyway, look for it tomorrow (sometime). My mom and I are planning on driving to Ohio on Sunday for the trip to see my dad, so there is a LOT going on here right now. However, I am trying to maintain some degree of normalcy. We will be there two weeks. That might mean that I miss my regular posting for the next two weeks. In fact, it is very likely. However, I know that you will understand. When I get back things will return, more or less, to business as usual. Thanks for your lovely comments and encouragement. Also, those prayers and well wishes mean tons. So, too much is never actually too much. Did that make sense? My brain is not working so great these days. Anyway, I am hoping that sorts itself out, too. Thanks again. You fine people are amazing!