L is for Losing Focus

I really didn't want to write anything today. I am having focus problems. Dear friends, I love reading your blogs. I truly do. In fact, many a day I enjoy reading your blogs more than I like writing my own. Some days I just read your blogs and I don't write one of my own. This is all pre-cancer news. Since finding out about my dad and his terminal diagnosis, I just can't focus. Period. I tell myself that writing a blog will be good for me. In fact, that is what I am telling myself right now. I told myself that reading your blogs would be good for me, but I couldn't focus in order to actually accomplish the task. Do I want to know what you're doing? Yes. Am I interested? Yes. Why can't I focus? I have no idea.

Do I want to blog about what happened with my dad? Yes and no. Mostly no right now.

Do I want to blog about what happened with my sister-in-law? Yes and no. Mostly no right now.

Do I want to blog about the meeting with an old friend from school? Yes. But, I can't really focus. It's a good story and I want to get it right.

Do I want to blog about the doctor appt my dad had with the surgeon who removed his colon and hooked him to the colostomy bag? And then what he said to me? Yes and no. Mostly no right now. Some doctors deserve to be smacked. He needs a good smacking. And he isn't going on my list of doctors when my website goes up. Just sayin'.

Do I want to blog about how great Hospice is? Yes and no? Mostly yes. But not right now. It makes me sad. And happy. Happy sad.

I did think of Phoenix's blog on pushing more love toward situations that you can't control. If you have tried everything else, try pushing more love toward it. I even did that. It helped and then it didn't. And then I decided to focus on what mattered. Now, the old me who could focus better would find that blog and link up to it. Why? Because it was an awesome blog that she probably wrote about eight months ago and I still remember it. A blog has to be pretty darn awesome to stick in my brain for that long. Would I like to write more about the details of this? Yes and no.

Why? Because Chris over at A Deliberate Life just wrote a blog a few days ago on Letting Go of Resentment. I didn't comment on that blog. Why? Because I couldn't focus. However, it really hit home for me. Sometimes people are who they are. I pretty much had that one figured out before I left Ohio, but reading that blog was kind of the last straw, so to speak. It helped me just to let it all go. You aren't going to change people. Not everyone is going to like you. You can be as nice to them as you know how to be. You can be yourself (how can you be anyone else?). And if they still just don't like you, they don't like you. All you can do is continue to be kind to them and treat them as nicely as you know how. That is it. Keep pushing love toward them. And if they still don't like you, well that is on them. But, let it go. You aren't going to win them all and that is that.

The last thing I can think of right now is that my neighbor suggested that I write (as in email) my congressman and then follow it up with a phone call about Social Security denying my SSDI claim. She said she worked some government agency back in the day (Medicaid maybe) and it really got the ball rolling for someone if a Congressman took an interest. Anyway, she said that because they denied my claim based on four doctors (it was supposed to be 2 of mine and 2 of theirs), but one of the doctors was someone I had never seen, I had reason to involve my Congressman. I also had reason to involve my Congressman because my representative in this case said "This kind of thing happens all the time." They were jaded by the system and how it wasn't working and not willing to fight. Their answer was an appeal, which we would have done anyway. So, blog friends, in your opinion do you think that writing and calling your local Congressman is the way to go here to speed up this process? I am interested in your thoughts...

Okay, I promise to try and be a better blog friend, and get my stuff together, so that I can put coherent thoughts together, so that I can actually read your posts. As it is, I read a little here and a little there. But, I mostly don't feel able to comment. It is very sad. I never really thought the day would come when this girl would be at a loss for words. (silently shaking head now in disbelief) So, I will work on my focus issues and hope that you bear with me while I sort it all out.

image found at www.weheartit.com

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN IT COUNTS?

Well, I was just going to write one of my regular pseudo-crazy posts, which means a post like every other day of the week, until I found I was showcased as Blogger of the Week here. That sent me into a brain spin. You don't want people who have never read your blog subjected to your normal every day crazy stuff. However, it is an awful lot of work to try and trot out something else when you're going to revert back to the same old, same old come Sunday. I have my Magic Music day tomorrow, which is a totally different level of insane altogether. It is more fun crazy.

So, to catch the new people up, I suffer from a lot of chronic illness, the worst of which (most of the time) is migraines. I am in the process of filing for SSD, since I have had THIS migraine since January of 2003. Yeah, that wasn't a typo. The source of the migraine was my ex-husband. By the time I got rid of him, I didn't have the health insurance to get rid of the migraine. Life is just filled with irony. I tried living a life of no stress for four years. If anyone finds one of those, please email me the location so that I can go there, because I have yet to find that. My doctor says three years of zero stress will cure me in lieu of no insurance (or crappy insurance, which is what I currently have). Along with good diet, vitamins, and some Rxs.... I was able to manage all of it but the zero stress, so I am still here with the chronic migraine and filing for SSD.



I did give it the ole college try, though. I really didn't want to file for SSD. Really really really didn't want to file. We are at the Land of Last Resort. Not a pretty place people. *Breathing in and out slowly* However, I have become accustomed to living with my mother and step-dad. Been doing that since 2006. Don't ever say you won't go home again. You just never know. Parents, no matter how successful your kids become, don't breathe easy. They can lose it all and move back in on a dime. Stand ready and be prepared. This is another blog that isn't going as planned.

I call what has happened to me "falling through the floor." All of this chronic stuff that I have going on really tracks back to my failing adrenal gland, and an extremely weakened immune system. I was treated for years by various doctors for the migraine alone, because it was the most acute symptom that I had. When your head feels like it being pounded in by an anvil, it is pretty much all you can think about. However, none of the traditional migraine meds did anything to alleviate it. That didn't stop the doctors from prescribing the stuff, though, or digging any deeper into the root source of the problem. Eventually, I changed doctors (repeatedly). Even I knew that if the meds weren't working, something else was wrong. By the time I got to a doctor who agreed with me, I was really close to falling through the floor. I financially fell through the floor at the same time she correctly diagnosed me. That was a bad news/good news situation. I finally knew the answer, but I no longer had decent health insurance to solve the problem. It is tempting to curse right here, but I am really trying to quit.

Instead, we went with generic Rx (as few as possible), the best vitamin choices, and that stress free life (yeah right). I moved to FL, and in with my parents, and tried to find that stress free existence. I am a freakin' magnet for stress. You can read about it in my previous blogs (or not). I mean who really wants to read about that crap? Not me. Head hurts thinking about it. But, it is all right there for your whatever. Most people shake their heads and leave comments like, "Why Robin, why would you get involved in that mess?" Yeah, like I have a good answer for that. Dumbass comes to mind. And there went the cursing. So, no, I didn't find the stress-free idyllic life in Florida. And things got worse, hard to believe (I know), when we all moved back to Georgia. So, that is where we are. No, I don't really live here. Nice house, though...



Everyone should be up to speed. Yeah, this blog is finally starting. I will try to keep it short. All of this mess has made it very clear that there needs to be a website out there of doctors who actually LISTEN, TREAT THE ROOT OF THE PROBLEM, and THINK OUTSIDE OF THE BOX or THINK ALTERNATIVE MEDICINE WORKS. So, I bought a domain name after weeks of writing down domain names searching for just the right one. It was somewhat excruciating. The goal is to actually start a non-profit organization with this mission statement: to assist people in their journey from illness to wellness. Short and sweet, right? According to Peter Drucker all non-profit mission statements should be right to the point, and something that everyone can claim to be theirs from the volunteer to the CEO. The long-range goal (as long-range as I can see it right now anyway) is to build houses all over the US for people who have fallen through the floor, but didn't have family, like I did, to catch them. There are a lot of people who have been misdiagnosed or undiagnosed. These are working people who get sicker and sicker until they lose their job, their health insurance, their house, and become homeless. Why are they homeless? Because our healthcare system let them down. Hopefully, the site will stop many people from falling through the floor. But, we have to do more. We have to pick up the people who have already fallen and give them the tools to get well and get back to work. I believe in this site. I believe in the people of this country. One day we will be building houses for them. You heard it here first. I hope that you will be one of the people who helps to make it a reality.



So, one day fairly soon, you will be seeing something from me that will be in the form of an email asking for doctors who meet this criteria. The site needs those names. And it will ask you to copy/paste that email and send it to everyone you know. We want to help people all over the US, and the only way we can do it is if the email travels all over the US. That is the first stage of getting this project off the ground. I have decided that I can be sick and not make a difference, or I can be sick and help other people. I am voting for the help other people. I hope that you choose that, too.

DAY 9: DEAR SOMEONE YOU'D LIKE TO MEET

Dear Program Director at HGTV,

I hope that I am sending this letter to the right person. If not, would you please arrange a meeting between me, and whoever makes the decisions about programming at HGTV. That is the person that I would like to meet, and have a very important conversation with about a new show for your station. As it stands, I am going to go with my gut and believe that person is you.

It hasn't happened yet, but in the not-so-distant future, I am going to have a website that exists for the sole purpose of helping people all over this country find doctors who 1) listen, 2) don't just treat symptoms, but get to the root of the problem, and 3) think outside the box. Once this site becomes extensive enough, meaning we have found doctors all over the US in every specialty imaginable, we are going to be ready to take it to the next level, and that is when I am going to be ringing your phone. Of course, before that I am going be doing extensive praying, and sending up a rocket of desire into the universe that you will simply take my call. I think you will.

The website is amazing and it will help so many people. I know you will be impressed when you see it. There will all kinds of letters from people who have been helped. However, it isn't enough. We have to do more. When people hit the bottom, they fall through the floor. I was lucky when I fell through the floor, because I had parents who caught me. Not everyone has that. Those people become homeless. Very sick and homeless. We have to do more. And that is why I am calling you. You have shows about helping people fix their houses, decorate their houses, and generate income by making portions of their houses into rental properties. Let's build houses for people who have fallen through the floor. It's time to start really making a difference, but I need your help.

You see I have this plan to build houses all over the country for people who have fallen through the floor. And I know that you will like this idea, because it will be like nothing you've ever done. I will do my part to help you in this endeavor. I know this means that I am going to end up fundraising like crazy. That is okay. I have faith that it will work out. People who have been helped will hold out their hand, offer help in return, and the money will come in. If I can help with the money to buy the land, can you do the rest? I am willing to work with you on this to make it a show that people will watch. Once we get these houses up and running, we will have to hire people to work round the clock. We will have to pay for maid service and we will need to pay someone to drive these people to all of their doctor appointments. There will be monthly utility bills for each house every month. There will be repairs. The expense will be ongoing and I plan to build houses all over. Some states may have as many as 30 houses in them before this is done, depending on the size of the state, and the need that exists there. And I want to do all of this with you.

So, I am willing to listen to whatever ideas you have on making this show of ours a success, because it is all about the people. I imagine that you have figured out that I really don't think small. It is all or nothing with me. If you're going to help, then you might as well go the distance, and help as many people as you possibly can. I think that after our first season, we could make the show an hour, instead of a half hour, and use the last twenty minutes to revisit the houses we put up first season. That way the people could meet the people who live there, work there, and see exactly how the houses work. The idea is to take sick people, get them well, help them to save money (because they should be on SSD if they are that sick), help them find work, and then help them get an apartment or a house. Get them well and get them working. In the third season, we could even check on some people who have actually gotten that far. We could run footage from when they were sick, and then show them at work. If people aren't crying at the end of every single one of our shows, we aren't doing it right. I feel myself getting teary just thinking about it.

I hope that you are now as excited about this show as I am. I hope that you are even more excited about all of the good that we are going to do. It is because of that feeling in your heart that you will say "yes" to my proposal, even if other folks at the network think it's a lousy idea. We will prove them wrong. Before the first season is even over, we will be the top-rated show on your network. It's a beautiful day when love and compassion come out on top.

I look forward to working with you.

All Best,
Robin


image pilfered from Miss Angie at My So-Called Chaos

DAY 5: YOUR DREAMS

Dear Me,

I am writing you this letter because your dreams may not come to fruition as quickly as you want them to, and you may need some inspiration to not let go of them and give up. You already did that once and the only thing that stopped you from moving in another direction was your mattress pulled out of storage. Such a small thing that created this huge medical setback. You spent nearly a year very angry about that setback. It wasn't until recently that it clicked in your head that the mattress put you back on course with your dreams. You wrote about that here.

Ever since you wrote that down, the dream has become clearer and clearer. Back in 2008, you had a logo that popped into your head, knew that it involved a website, and the goal was to help sick people who could no longer help themselves. They, like you, had run the doctor circuit for years and gotten nowhere. And they fell through the floor. Not because they were lazy or didn't try hard enough. They probably started out working. They had insurance and they got sicker and sicker. Eventually they couldn't work and their savings started going into doctors. Still, no one could help. Back then, you knew who you wanted to help. You just weren't exactly sure how. Worse yet, you knew it was likely going to be a non-profit organization that you were going to be founding (and you know nothing about how to do that) and creating a website (you can barely navigate this site).

So, when the dream popped out of the woodwork to smack you upside the head about ten days ago, it also brought clarity with it. You now know the name of the non-profit (assuming it isn't taken already), exactly what you want on the site, and the next two stages, after the site is up and running, and able to support itself. Now, you spend a bit of every day visualizing the site as it will be once it is fully functional.

I am writing you this letter because I know you. You have an idea and you want it now. Well, this isn't going to happen now. This is likely years away from fruition. And there will be people who will tell you that it just isn't realistic. Once you get well, you would be better off getting a sales job, which you know you are good at. That is true. I am good at a sales job and it would support me. But this dream will change the lives of hundreds of people. Maybe thousands. Is me taking the easy way and getting a sales job right when I know that I have been called to do this?

Even this... Blogger... you thought it was for your writing. When you first opened this account you had this crazy idea that an agent was going to read your writing and decide that you should be published. Don't you find that ludicrous now? Then you enjoyed reading other people's blogs as much as your own. It is like a community of friends with whom everyone shares their stuff. Whatever they want to share. Now, you see that even Blogger wasn't an accident.

This dream is all part of a Grand Design to make the world better. All you are is the catalyst. You thought that you were going to have to take college computer classes to do the website. That would have been you trying to do it all for quite a while. Now, you think you were meant to meet someone here who would do the computer design, because you are just never going to be good at that, and you will be partners in this venture. It will be your idea, but the work you will do together. You will be doing all of the calling and running stuff down for the site. And you will be sending out requests for information to your blog friends, like a net. And they will throw that net further. And this site that you thought would take a year to get off the ground... won't. Oh, and your Greek friend will make it possible for you to talk to someone about non-profits before you start this, so that you are able to set up this whole thing. Otherwise, you would be lost in that sea for a long time.

Your dreams are going to intertwine with the dreams of people you already know in person, and some that you have met here. This whole process has been like a chain bringing people together for good. Everything has a reason. With some of your friends, you can already see some sort of promise of what that reason might be. How they might fit into this, if they want to be a part of it. For others, maybe they will know someone who is ill and just needs help. It might be as simple as that. And as rewarding.

Don't give up on your dreams. They will happen when they are meant to happen. Continue to focus on your dream and visualize it so that it gains clarity.

Love,
Me


image nabbed from Miss Angie at My So-Called Chaos