Monday, October 10, 2011

What Do You See?

I just read Chris's post It's Never Too Late to Lose Weight over at A Deliberate Life. I was pondering a comment and decided to forgo that and just write my own post. Funny how those things work. If you would like to read Chris's post, she is in My Favorite Reads (or something like that) in the sidebar to the left. It is a couple days old now, so click on her and not her most current post.

You might be wondering why I read a weight loss blog. You might not. Chris is uber-inspirational to me. I dig in there and figure out how I can apply all that weight loss stuff to life. The thing is that it isn't that hard. Sometimes it is glaringly obvious. Sometimes not so much. Sometimes, like today, it is on the tip of tongue, and I can't quite get a handle on it.

So, I am going to tell you that dream I had a while back about my dad that I promised you in the Thursday post. In my dream, I was in the middle of a large body of water with no land in sight. I had in my hands something that could save me. But the only thing that I had to activate it was a sharp implement and it was very delicate. There were two canisters and a lot of dangerous territory inside this thing. I heard a voice tell me that if the sharp implement punctured anything other than the canisters (which were difficult to reach) I would die. So, I asked what would happen if I didn't mess with the canisters at all? And the answer was that I would die. So, I took a shot and lost. The voice, which I think was God, told me that I had punctured something other than the canisters and I would die.

I asked if I would drown. The voice said that something from the canisters was going to come out, like foam, and consume all of the air space. I would be encapsulated in it. The strange thing is this: when you KNOW you are going to die, that there is no choice, you don't get upset. At least I didn't. My first thought was that I would be with my dad again. And I said that out loud. Then I turned around and there he was. He was young again like when I was a kid.

He said, "You know we're all gonna die someday."

I laughed. He was right, after all. He then said, "It is all about what you do now. Create all you can while you can." He then paused and said, "Do you want to see what I have been working on?"

"Yes," said I with surprise.

He pulled out this piece of wood, circular in shape, one inch thickness, probably 24 square inches give or take. It was gorgeous. He had cut, sanded, stained, finished, and done the artwork on it himself. Yes, there was artwork on it. There were these delicate flowers burnt into the wood and painted all sorts of colors. And they ran around it in a vine pattern. In the middle there was a saying that I wish I could remember. But the essence was not to take yourself too seriously. Have fun with this thing called life.

How does this relate to Chris's post? Well, I am not having any fun. My head is killing me. I know that it is a head game. I know so many things but I am still spinning my wheels. I have had said to mom that I think I need to experience the frustration of the SSD system up close and personal in order to truly be empathetic to all of the people I want to help when the time comes. My experience has been that you aren't nearly as empathetic until it hits you where you live. So, I grit my teeth and barrel through, but there are days I want to just rip my head right off.

And that is the other thing I have learned. This far into the SSD game you can't change doctors. You can add doctors, but you can't change. If you have doctors that support your claim, you can't change. Even if they aren't doing what you would have them do to get you better, you can't change. You need them. I need to understand what these people are up against and the only way is to experience every rotten thing. That is how I will help change it in the future. You can't change what you don't know. If it was smooth sailing for me, I wouldn't get someone else's rocky road through the system.

For everyone who is still reading this blog, thank you. I am going to do my best to write more often. I need to write more often. My hands are giving me problems. So, we shall see. The doctors are thinking maybe RA. I just had some bloodwork done, so I don't know yet. I just know that my joints hurt. Operating the mouse isn't so bad, but typing hurts. You may be getting those shorter posts after all!

image found at


  1. What a great reaffirmation of your Dad! I think you could also interpret his actions as telling you that he is OK!



  2. What an absolutely cool dream with your Dad in it. It must have been so neat to see him that way.
    You are courageous to get through everything that you must with even a half decent attitude about it. Best to take it all with a positive spin as that's all you really can do.

  3. I was just about to go in the other room and call it a night when I saw you in my sidebar! I was so excited- it's been AGES! That was quite a dream you had there. It was nice that they told you what it was all about instead of making you wake up and go through all the symbolism and make yourself NUTS trying to figure it out. LOL I had a dream about my grandfather like that---where they told me what it was about. Everything else...pure symbolism!

    It's so good to see you back! Please keep us informed on what the blood work shows!

  4. What a beautiful dream, Robin. Wow. This blew me away reading it (and I actually teared up) because it so obvious that your dad is still watching out for you and giving you solid advice. And helping you let go, and have more fun, and enjoy this silly little thing called life.

    I'm glad you're still posting, although I'm so sorry to hear about the pain in your hands now. I hope things get fixed quickly so that you can go back to your posts, but there is no rush, no pressure, and no hurry - just post whenever you can, about whatever you want. It's your blog, and your life. :)

  5. Hello robin. I read something the other day..It was from a blog of a man who had lost two children...and he wrote something that hit me right in the heart...and I think it applies here...
    He said "I have noticed changes in the way I interact with the world on every level, and I asked VJ about this. It’s all shaken us up to a thought: either there is nothing that matters, or everything does. It is possible nothing matters – could it be we simply exist without meaning and any attempt to romanticize this life is vain? I’ve considered it. The alternative, I find, is only that everything matters. I can’t rationalize a medium. It seems every moment should be relished, each a part of something so boldly beautiful as life. So brashly present. Rest should be well spent and welcomed. Those in need should be given to. Beauty should be pursued. Pain should be felt, not pushed aside. We should see with fresh eyes a world which is astounding. We should feel music. We should lose ourselves in an afternoon with a loved one; we should invest in our friends; we should set ourselves to love the broken, the homeless, the lost. We should step into the heat of the sun and soak it in; we should shiver in the cold and marvel at the clarity of the air."

    And that is the essence of what life means to me in a nutshell.

    I think that was what your dad was saying..and it can be hard to do in the day to day....But I think we are capable.
    I love to read your blog because you never tire of thinking.

  6. I think this is very profound what you dreamed! I love reading your blog for this reason alone!

  7. I have missed you, my friend. I send nothing but positive vibes.

  8. Even if you only post every once in awhile, you always offer something thought-provoking, inspiring, enobling ... SOMEthing to take with me. It's good to see you back at it ... :)

  9. Robin: I commented the other day, but I must have messed up. In any event, I am very happy to see you back. Be well.

  10. I am still on the journey with you Robin...sticking here knowing how hard it is to lose a parent and how awesome it is when you know they are still watching over us!

  11. Robin, I miss you, are you coming back or have you given up blogging? Praying for you girlfriend!


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