Help! I Can't Follow You, Delete You, or Comment on Your Blog

I believe that I have mentioned before, loudly and often, but not recently about how I lack technical savvy. I have a TERRIBLE time navigating this site (and other sites) and found all of YOU by serendipity. In other words, there was no skill involved. I just back-doored into a good thing and then kept doing it. If you have read the Stephanie Plum novels by Janet Evanovich.... I blog with the same amount of skill that Ms. Plum apprehends her FTAs (Failure To Appear). Though I don't think my adventures are nearly so comical.

Let me tell you about my current predicament(s) and see if anyone has an answer for sorting this mess out. Yes, I am talking about my Blogger predicaments.

1) I have hesitated to follow any blog that doesn't have a Google Friend Connect button that adds the blog to my Reading List (aka Dashboard). If you don't have that button then I am stuck with your blog in my dashboard FOREVER. In some cases, that is a good thing, but in others... not so much. People quit blogging or I stop reading (for a variety of reasons) but they are there FOREVER. Which leads to my second predicament...

2) Since I now follow over 300 blogs I cannot add any more blogs unless you have the GFC feature because I have exceeded the Reading List maximum. Let me back up...

3) If you don't have the GFC button the only way to add you to my Reading List is to copy/paste your URL into the Add A Blog feature on my Reading List. Okay. I have done this, but now I am stuck with you FOREVER (see #1) because you don't have a GFC button so that I can remove non-working blogs.

4) I have done some investigating and there is a thing that looks like a Nut across from the Reading List. If I click on this I should be able to Manage My Blogs. In other words, I should be able to delete some out of my Reading List to get back under 300 and add some that I would like to add (but can't). Every time I click on this "Tool" I get the message that it cannot access my blogs and I should come back soon. Well, I have been coming back soon for about a month and I still get the same message EVERY SINGLE TIME.

5) Yesterday, blogger decided it would be fun to only show me ONE blog on my Reading List (instead of the usual 20 or so) and then when I am through those, I can click on the "More" button and it loads another 20 or so. Now, I have ONE and the MORE button doesn't work. Sorry if I haven't visited. I am having issues. If you have found this post, you clearly know something that I don't... after all, you are here and I am stuck.

6) So, friends, how do I delete blogs out of my Reading List that don't have a GFC button? Should I be using some other system (other than the Reading List/Dashboard)? I have heard some of you talk about Feedly and probably others, but it is like reading Greek. Makes No Sense to me. I have no idea how to begin to compile my blogs into another List. Is there another tool that I have yet to find that will help me to "manage" the Reading List? 

7) And, last thing, if you update your blog and change your comments so that I have to comment via Google's Circles (Briane P. I am looking at you!) I cannot comment. They want too much information for me to leave a comment and I am just not comfortable with that. They should just ask for fingernail clippings to be sent to a predetermined address and be done with it. So, if you can change it back... please do!

Okay, Wizards of Blog Land, bring on the advice and help (lots and lots of help), because I NEED IT.

K IS FOR KINDNESS

I know that many people blog simply because they enjoy writing, and this is one venue when others are clogged up, dried up, or feel like danger zones. Yeah, I am talking about those of us who really want to write that novel, but can't quite get a handle on it, so we blog in order to write something. At least that is how this whole thing started. I have discovered that there is a flipside to this blogging reality. And that, my blogging friends, is this: people in the real world are not very nice. There is a very real lack of kindness out there. Have you noticed?

If you have been blogging for any length of time, you may have met some people on here who are more friendly and kinder than anyone you actually know. It is comforting and discouraging, all at the same time. It is a relief to meet someone who is nice. It is horrible that they live in your computer.

I called a friend of mine who lives here on Christmas Eve, her birthday. Turned out not to be a good time. She said to call the next day because her family did everything on Christmas Eve. I called and got the machine. She promised that she would call me back. I left a message saying that I would be up until at least 10pm. Call anytime before then. Never heard back. That day or any day since. The more I thought about it, the more I realized I always was the one who called her. She never calls me. So, I am very undecided about what to do. So far, I am not calling again. Her son is good friends with my ex-husband. I called him (my ex, not her son) to talk about the kids this past weekend. Turns out he was at her house and it sounded like she was having a party. He also said he would call me back. Still waiting on that return phone call, too. There is definitely a part of me that is glad to not be at the top of my ex's priority list... However, common decency does dictate that I would like a call back within 48 hours. We are now well beyond that. And the fact that he made the guest list and I didn't on a party... well, that just sucks. No other word for that.

So today was my annual mammogram. Actually, my first ever. And it wasn't bad. Everyone should go if you are at that age. As in 40 or over. It was yet another dual lesson in kindness. After you get checked in, there is another small waiting room in the back. At a certain point, I knew that I was next. However, about four other women had come in. All of them got called before me and put into dressing rooms. At that time, the tech with my chart came in and saw what had happened. She became really angry because she knew what had happened. I had no idea, but I thought I was supposed to be next. She mumbled something about dressing rooms and said, "We're going to get you a gown and you can change in the room." And that is what she did.

As we got into the room with the machine, she handed me my gown. She told me that I was next in line, but the other techs were trying to beat me to the machine by getting their people into the dressing rooms first. She foiled their plan by taking the room with the machine and locking the door. Apparently, the unwritten rule is that if the person who is next is not "ready," then the following person on the list can supersede them. So, all the techs put their people in dressing rooms to see who could get undressed and into a gown first. It was like sharks in the water. It made my girl mad. Apparently, this was not a working environment where kindness reigned and co-workers looked out for one another. Where has all the kindness gone?

I was trying to explain this to my mom in the car while we were driving to the Sam's shopping complex. She had an exchange to make at Tractor Supply Company, and then we were making a fairly quick stop at Sam's Club. She never did quite grasp the situation. The idea that the co-workers were trying to jump each other in the line for the machines (there were two small plate, one large plate) was an alien concept to her. She simply couldn't wrap her brain around it. She is a "you do it the right way" person. Well, so am I. I would have had a tough time working there. Migraine city.

In the middle of all this, we were dealing with the interstate and merging into traffic. Some yo-yo was right on her tail and she got really upset about it. I was afraid we were going to have a repeat of what I call "the incident" from when I was in junior high. That would be the time some guy flipped off my mom in traffic, and it made her so mad that she rolled down her window, whipped out her middle finger, and shook it at him. She was screaming at the top of her voice, "To you too, buddy." I was holding a vanilla shake from McDonald's that I almost ended up wearing in my lap. That was as close as I had ever come to seeing my mom curse. Ever. My hands went limp and my whole body went into shock. I wasn't able to speak for nearly ten minutes. Like I said, we almost relived that again today. However, this time I was expecting it and I had no shake. A shake would have been nice, come to think of it.



image found at www.weheartit.com

DAY 16: LETTER TO SOMEONE IN ANOTHER COUNTRY

Dear Purple Cow,

This isn't going to be one of those letters in which I put you up on a pedestal and bow at your feet. You have repeatedly made it clear that people are so thoroughly flawed that I would be better off to worship bees. Unfortunately, bees are not very conversational, so I just can't really get behind sending them a letter, therefore I am stuck with you. Ha! You get to be admired whether you like it or not. However, I shall remove the pedestal, throw in some of the things I dislike, as well, just so you know that I am not completely addled.

It has been a learning experience getting to know you. It feels a lot like peeling an onion. The layers are so thin that it is a lot of work. Every now and then you peel a layer and you get a surprise. The smell of the onion wafts up, burns your eyes, and leaves you crying your eyes out. Reading your blogs is a lot like that. All of them reveal something about you. You just choose most of the time for that something to be your knowledge on Greece, world politics, history, literature, the written word, satire, or perhaps even something light, like a day at the beach or some hot dancing. So, it is always heartburn when you offer up something real.

I am not sure that I said that exactly right. You care very much about the situation in Greece, so that is also you. When you write so thoughtfully about world politics, I know that you have done your homework, so you spend time reading, thinking, and keeping up. It, too, makes up the puzzle that is you. You are clearly well read and reference writings of extremely deep thinkers. People like you. All readers tend to be somewhat enamored of the written word and you are no exception. There are times I can see that you are particularly pleased with how you twisted the words to suit your meaning. Your pieces that are humorous, with just a bit of pain to them, speak ever so loudly about where you are in your head. Well, who doesn't enjoy a day at the beach or romping about on an island? I only wish I knew how to tango. You are a woman with many talents. All of that said, I still like the heartburn best.

So, when you quit writing this blog, I hope you don't delete it. Just leave it as is. That way I can go back and reread it from time to time. It will be like revisiting an old friend I haven't seen in a long time.

Love,
Robin


image found here

EIGHT TO THE EIGHT TO THE EIGHT AGAIN!

It seems like a lifetime ago, but I tagged Purple Cow, at Australian in Athens, with 8 questions to answer. I totally forgot about it when she didn't answer them. Then, for no good reason, she decided that yesterday would be a good day to tackle that project. I was thrilled until she tagged me back. There is a penalty for that I am certain somewhere in The Blogger's Handbook. If I could find mine I would cite it and call her out. Anyway, she answered my eight questions and then created eight of her own, per the rules, and tagged eight people, including me. Which I am sure is illegal.

I am still participating in the letter writing challenge. Tomorrow, however, is Inspirational Song Saturday, which I am totally looking forward to, and if you haven't dropped in on one of them, I hope you will. I always pick one song/video that is inspirational to me in that moment. And then I highlight an artist/band from the 80s that rocked MTV. Yeah... that was back when they actually played music on MTV pretty much 24/7. My focus is the videos that used the weight of video to give their song forward momentum on the radio. A well done video had the potential to move a song up the charts faster than say... just a concert video. We have already looked at some of the masters: Madonna, Michael Jackson, and Duran Duran (blowing kisses at John Taylor). Okay, I am over that. But, there is still a lot of territory to cover and it is so much fun.

Let's move on to Purple Cow and her questions...

1) Why do you blog? Have the reasons changed as you've been doing it?

Ironically enough, I wrote an entire blog devoted to this subject matter. Obviously, I have a lot to say about it. I suppose if you care enough about the answer you can click here to read it because I am not retyping it.


2) Why do they ask "What animal are you most like?" at job interviews? And what could they possibly learn about the person being interviewed when they ask this question? (Also feel free to share any other stupid questions you've been asked at job interviews).

I have never been asked what animal I am most like in a job interview and that is good news, because I am sitting here sifting through all of the information in my brain and coming up empty. That would not look good in a job interview. Probably a bear. They are seriously protective of their young or even those in their protection. I am not real knowledgeable on wild animals, but they strike me as the do what is necessary kind of animal. Not the kind to back down from a fight if they feel threatened or they are protecting their family. So, I will go with the bear.

One real question that I did get asked that wasn't a stupid question, but to which I gave a stupid answer was this one: "What would be your ideal job?"

Without thinking, I said, "I would love to write novels."

I was applying for a commission sales job to sell maintenance supplies. Not the right answer, but I got the job anyway. Turns out I loved it. Not as much as writing, but I really did like that job.


3) If you were to arrange a rendezvous with your 18-year-old self what would you say to yourself? How much would you have in common? Would you accuse yourself of something?

I would have a lot to say. All of it would take me off of this lifepath. However, I now see why I am here. Every rotten experience that I would dearly love to tell 18 year old me to avoid has contributed to the person that I am today. If I were to do that, I wouldn't be the same person sitting here typing this answer. I wouldn't be the person with this Big Idea that the world needs so much. I suppose I would just hug her and tell her that she will go through a lot of crap. However, it will be alright. There will be lots of days when it won't feel like it, but it will be alright.


4) Imagine me? What do I look like? (Skip this one Robin as you've already seen me on FB)

I try to imagine what your life is actually like. I know what you look like. But your day-to day life still stymies me somewhat. For instance, I wonder how many people in your real life actually know you. I imagine many of them think that they know you. But, do they really? You appear to be this working woman with children and a husband living a fairly ordinary life. Do they know how smart you are? Do they know how well you write? Do they have any idea how you think? Do they know the real you or just the superficial you? The nice, pleasant facade that you show to the world. We all have one. How many people in your real life actually know you? This is what I imagine when I think of you. I think the number is fairly small, which is why you started blogging in the first place. It is also the reason I can't understand why you would want to quit. To go back to just being the you before you started blogging. That is what I imagine when I think of you.


5) Have you ever surprised yourself with your own wickedness?

Unfortunately, yes. Usually I was drunk and my better sense had deserted me. Where does that better sense go? I am not getting into details here because it is well.... wicked.


6) What makes you special and different from this blob called humanity?

I think everyone is special and different. We are all given gifts. The trick is figuring out what your gift is and then using it. Of course, you can use your gift for good or ill. I suppose I should say gifts, because it is certainly possible, and often necessary, to have more than one. I was being general and you asked about me specifically. I have a gift for sales. I am good at that. I see the problems in our healthcare system that extend beyond insurance. For people who are chronically ill and misdiagnosed or undiagnosed, it can be devastating if it goes on long enough. I understand that because I lived that. I plan to take those two gifts and put them together to create a solution to that problem. That is what makes me special. I am going to then reach out my hands to all of you and ask you to reach out and so on and so on. It is all about assisting people in their journey from illness to wellness.


7) Do you ever wonder if you are wrong about everything you currently believe and hold to be true? And if it turns out that none of it is as it seems would you wish to be told the TRUTH a minute before you die or die not knowing at all?

No. I don't wonder if I am wrong about everything I believe is true. If I have some things wrong, I would just as soon die believing them if they make me happy. If, for instance, I believed something about someone that was or wasn't true and it made me sad or unhappy, I would rather know the truth before I died. It would be a truth that gave me peace. Any truth that gives peace or relief, I would rather know.


8) So how come it's 8 questions? Why not 5, 7 or 10? Why 8? Do you want more or do you wish you'd had less?

Beats me. That was just how it rolled out. I am glad that there aren't any more!


Okay, people, the rules are that you are supposed to make up eight questions and pass this on to eight people. I have already done this twice. I am not doing it again. However, if you are looking for some blog material, haven't done this yet and want to, or just feel bored, you can have at it. Just use Purple Cow's questions, pick eight people, and make up eight questions of your own.


image found at www.weheartit.com

THIS BLEW MY MIND

Yes, I am still on vacation. I think I am a blogging addict. Seriously, the rest of my family arrives tomorrow, so my blogging writing, reading, and commenting is about to be seriously hampered. In the meantime, I decided to share with you this mind-blowing little nugget I found on a fellow blogger's page. If you have read my "About Me," it says that I have started and stopped several novels. This is true. Until I watched this two minute video, I couldn't figure out WHY. After I watched it, it was painfully OBVIOUS. It freaking BLEW MY MIND. So, this is for anyone who is writing a novel, considering writing a novel, knows someone who is writing a novel, or just wants to laugh at those of us who have tried and failed. Turn off my music player at the bottom of the page. Sorry for the inconvenience.



In some ways, I think I knew what the problem was, but I didn't have a clear handle on it. I always said, "I can't get a through line on it." In other words, I can't see the ending. It never occurred to me that you have to write the ending FIRST. Duh. Now that seems obvious. You get an idea. A good idea and maybe you write the beginning. But, the next thing has to be the ending. You can write the middle in pieces or chronologically. Whatever. But, you have to write the ending at the start. You can always change it if something pivotal happens with your characters in the middle, and you start seeing them differently. I love that about writing. It is a fluid thing. As they come to life in your mind, things can change, and it might alter your ending, but that is okay. It just has to be there to be changed.

One of the best things about joining this blogosphere has been getting the opportunity to follow writers. All kinds of writers. People who write blogs. People who write for magazines. People who write novels. People who write for fun. People who write all of the above.

I haven't said much about my book project, but it is coming along. I am definitely more than halfway done, which is a HUGE milestone for me. I got stuck (because I couldn't see the end, but I didn't know that was why I was stuck) and then Kimberly posted her blog with this video. Mind blowing. That unstuck me. I didn't start writing, but I did start thinking. So, now my ending is coming together in my head, and I tinker now and again where I've left off, when I just feel the need to write *something.* However, I know that the next REAL writing I do will be THE END. And then it will be back to the middle.

Better yet, I am totally jazzed about picking up the novel I put down four years ago. You heard that right. I LOVED LOVED LOVED that idea. I wrote the first three chapters or so, and then "couldn't see the throughline," and gave it up. But it was a great idea (better than this one actually). And once I understood that I had to write the end first, I saw it. I now know how that book ends. I can see THAT ENDING better than this one. And the middle got clearer, too. Additionally, I can see it actually being a series. Too bad Janet Evanovich took the Numbers with her Stepanie Plum series, and Sue Grafton got the Alphabet with the Kinsey Millhone series. Drats. Well, it is what it is.

TAYLOR SWIFT DRAWS THE LINE

Well, we are home early from the Taylor Swift concert. She was supposed to have two opening acts: Gloriana and Kellie Pickler. Kellie Pickler was sick, so we only had one opening act. That meant that Taylor came on much earlier than anticipated (hooray!). H-girl was unprepared for the noise, IMO, and came down with a headache after an hour and a half of the screaming. I was wearing ear plugs, but already had a migraine going in. We left before Taylor quit singing. H-girl is very subdued for her age, or maybe hanging with your parents isn't conducive to screaming. Not sure on that one. She was very reserved for the duration. I got the picure below here.


As for Taylor... I can't imagine what it is like to be her. She still seems to be overwhelmed at times by the enormity of the adulation. I think she doesn't quite know what to do with herself after she finishes singing and all these girls are screaming like maniacs. I mean, what is the proper response to that? I have no idea. She doesn't seem to have a clue, either. She stands there and looks somewhat perplexed and amazed. I get that. If it was just clapping, I think she might be better able to handle it. Frankly, I think it is the screaming that is bewildering. But, maybe that is just me. I know I found it bewildering. Make that annoying. I found it annoying.

However, some of the best stuff was her pre-recorded footage. Taylor is funny. I love a person with a sense of humor. Frankly, I think you need one to make it in life. Particularly a life in show business. I wish I could have found better footage than this, but you get what you get. Someone recorded it with their cell phone. When she delivered the last line, I laughed my ass off. You have to watch it. Forgive the ineptitude of the person doing the recording, and the idiot who walks in front during. Just wait for it at the end.... It is so worth it. Oh yeah, turn off my idiot music player at the bottom of my page...



I laughed so hard I nearly cried. There was that whole period when it seemed like everyone in blogland had the same moral crisis: where's the line? Is is right to write about others if they don't know they are being written about? It is okay to write about others, even if they are the subplot to your own story? When are you crossing the line? Blah blah blah. Of course, my ex was really ticked about a blog that I wrote about him, that pretty much no one read that he knew, and he shot to the moon. Meanwhile, Ms. Swift is writing songs that the WHOLE WORLD is hearing and what is her response? Well, if you watched the video, you know. If you didn't, you should, because she is a teenager and she is right. How can she see this more clearly than I? And the fact that said ex was there to hear the answer at the SAME TIME AS I: PRICELESS. I would have paid money for that had I known it was part of the show. The fact that he paid for the ticket: double bonus.

So, thank you Taylor Swift. You Rock.

TAKING A DETOUR FROM ROME

We'll get back to Rome tomorrow. What this means is that I don't feel like writing today. Do you ever have one of those days? No. Ha. I don't believe you. I have been thinking about doing this for some time, actually. What is this, you ask? Well, I have come to "know" some of you blogging buddies fairly well and there are certain "things" that make me think of you. So, from time to time, as I get to know each of you better I will take a detour, and have a HERE'S TO YOU day.

The best (or worst) part is that I am not going to explain why I chose 'whatever" for each of you. If, you watch your footage and are scratching your head at the end, well that means I didn't do a very good job. However, all is not lost. You can email me at rarichards68@gmail.com and ask me what I was thinking when I chose that particular piece of footage off of youtube and connected it to you. And then I will tell you. Then I will start sending up prayers that I haven't offended the crap out of whoever is on the receiving end of that email....lol. Because, honestly, I will tell you right now... I admire all of you enormously so I really hope that doesn't happen. However, I am notorious for chewing on my feet. I do believe it is called Foot In Mouth Syndrome in medical circles.

Now, if you have been a blogging friend forever and you didn't get singled out this time ~ and are feeling a little bit offended ~ here's the deal: 1) I couldn't find the footage I wanted and I had to have this ONE SPECIFIC THING or, 2) The footage that I wanted was in my brain somewhere, but I couldn't quite find it. That means that I hadn't mentally nailed the perfect thing yet.

Once again, please turn off my music player at the bottom of the screen and turn up the volume on your computer. Oh, and just because it doesn't have your name on it, it doesn't mean you can't watch it.... In fact, I hope you do:-)

This one is for Chris, at A Deliberate Life:




This one is for Lira, The Struggling Actress:



This one is for Liza, at Middle Passages:



This one is for Purple Cow, at Australian in Athens (FYI: I have others, so you will get hit again):



This one is for Phoenix, at Res Ipsa Loquitur:



This one is for The Working Actress:




This one is for everyone, just because I think it is hilarious:




And this one is for me:



Now, I have my thinking cap on for the rest of you, and am still looking for specific clips for some of you.... So, be on the lookout. There is youtube footage out there with your name on it!

THESE CONVERSATIONS I HAVE WITH MYSELF..

Do you ever have practice conversations? Or write letters in your head? I do that more than I would like. I remember doing it as a teenager while I was getting ready for school in the morning. I would be looking at myself in the mirror doing something that required little to no thought (like my hair or make-up) and my mind would be playing out some imaginary conversation. Usually it was a conversation that never came to fruition.

Since the onslaught of migraines, and the requisite insomnia that goes with them, I now find myself lying awake at night, doing the same thing. Now, it is less conversation and more email or blogging or writing in my book. Sometimes I come up with some pretty good stuff for my book and I am really tempted to get out of bed and turn the computer on, but I am really trying to develop a more "normal" sleep pattern. Staying up until 4am working on my book wouldn't achieve that.


Here is the thing about me: I mean well. I really do. My life has sort of resembled the number eight. It started out with me not at all afraid to voice my opinion, but I didn't have a clue what I was talking about, because I was just a kid. The thing was because I was a kid, it was no big deal. The people that I was talking to were other kids, and they didn't know what they were talking about either. No harm, no foul. And then I started to get a little bit smarter, and I still felt okay with voicing my opinion, and I was sometimes right, and sometimes wrong, and I ended up taking some lumps. Okay, I learned some lessons. Unfortunately, it is pretty much in my nature to speak up if I feel like someone needs to say something. And that means I sometimes call it right, and sometimes call it wrong. Well, then I went through this period where I lost my voice altogether. That was a bad time. And I am just now getting it back, and so we are now back to being sometimes right, and sometimes wrong. However, I go back to my original statement. I mean well. I really do. And when I speak, it is with love in my heart. And these conversations that I've been having with me, have been me trying to find a way to explain that. I hope that makes everything more clear.

Now, moving on to something fun and different. I am not a person who has ever "advertised" a giveaway on my blog. Actually, I've never taken part in a giveaway before. However, there is always a first time for everything. You can click here to go to the artist's blog/page and get the scoop on how to enter to win. I clicked on a picture of the painting so that you could see the "prize." It is lovely.

I KNOW IT'S NOT ENOUGH...

The internet is a crazy thing. You make friends with people you will likely never meet face to face. Of course, you can have really awful experiences with people you never meet face to face (and I've blogged about one of my own already). You only need one of those to become more cautious. But, the reality is that there are a lot of genuine, big-hearted people on here. And this whole blogging thing offers up just enough anonymity for some people to be honest in a way that they wouldn't be otherwise. Me... well, I blog for strangers, friends, and family, so I sometimes land in the soup. But, I read many blogs every day written by people that I have never met, and each day they feel less like strangers, and more like friends. So, when they go through hard times my heart breaks for them.

I am not naive. Well, I am a little naive. Okay, I can be pretty naive. Pretty much anyone could shake me down for my last ten bucks if their sob story was sad enough. I am a want to make things better for people kind of person. I know that about myself. I can be sitting in a pool of my own misery, and if someone else tells me their sad story, I can forget about myself and go to work on fixing their problem. That is good and bad. Sometimes you need to take care of you, and sometimes you need to step outside of your own drama and pay it forward. The thing is that I know that I don't have the words to make it better for a particular online friend who is suffering right now... just the desire. So, we do what we can, even when what we can do is such a small thing.

This is some video footage from one of my favorite TV shows, Joan of Arcadia. Joan talked to God... make that God talked to Joan. And God took on lots of different looks throughout the show. For those of you who have never seen the show, God shows up in the last portion of the clip as a teenage boy.

Before you watch this, go down to the bottom of the page and turn my video player off. Again, I apologize for the inconvenience.

THE PIECES OF ME

I had to go to Florida for a couple of days (with mom) to get some car stuff straightened out. That was an enlightening trip on so many levels. I will write more on that later. The level I will share right now is just how exhausting it was for me when I didn't actually DO anything. The drive wasn't really that long ~ about 4 to 5 hours. We got there easily in a day and stopped in at the game room where I used to work, and then met up with the people with whom we were bunking up with at church. We stayed for the Wednesday night dinner, and after I went to the Bible study, and mom went to listen to the choir sing. I like the pastor at that church (he leads the study) because he always has a unique perspective. The next day we took care of my car stuff, had lunch with a friend, played around a little bit, and met up with some more friends. We got back to the house about 8:30 that night and I thought I was going to die. I went straight to bed. I was one big migraine. Mom went and did it all again the next day. I stayed in bed and let her have at it. We came home today and I felt even worse. Meanwhile, I am thinking, I didn't actually DO ANYTHING. However, I feel like I've been run over by a truck and my migraine cranked up from its normal state of yucky/bad to freaking miserable. Oh, and while we were there was when I passed out in my sleep. Could these events be connected? Let's just say that I am glad to be home.


While I was lying in bed, not sleeping, I had time to think about the blog that I didn't feel good enough to get up and actually write. I considered lots of things. I remembered that I really needed to post on here the blog that I wrote about this wonderful friend that I had in high school who taught me so many valuable things about myself that I carry with me to this day. I wrote it back when I first started blogging, and it is still just on my facebook. Then I thought about the people who blog differently than I do, but how I like that. Which was what brought me back to the first thought about my high school friend, actually. She was the one who taught me that you can pull things that you admire from admire from others, and put your own unique twist on them to make them yours. It's a great lesson actually.


So, I spent my time in bed thinking about how to implement it. That can be the tricky part of any lesson. One of my fellow bloggers, Juliana, has started doing a quote blog occasionally. You can check out her blog by clicking on the link. I think that this might be something new or might be something old and reinstated. I am not sure because I am new. Either way, she does it in such a way that it is thought provoking and interesting. She changes it up each time she does it. I always walk away with something to think about. I think that is the point of any blog. Give me something to think about.

My brain got stuck because I am bit hardheaded and I want YOUR DAILY DOSE to be my "writing" blog. So, I spent too much time toying with the idea of creating yet another blog. I broke off a separate blog for my TV addiction. Well, I do think that was the right choice for that. Not everyone wants to read about my TV vice and my thoughts on it. However, the fact that I was lying in bed with a migraine suggested that maybe there were days that a "writing" blog might be setting the bar a bit high. Maybe just putting something out there that would make me feel good and laugh is okay, too. So, it took me several hours to work through what should have taken about five minutes. No, I am not going to create another blog for my non-writing stuff. It can go right here. It won't be every day. But some days, when I don't feel like writing, or The Think Tank, just doesn't cough anything up, well we will just laugh or think about someone else's pearls of wisdom that day.


Before I leave my high school friend behind for today.... I do promise to copy/paste that blog soon. I have to bring up another high school friend who has yet to have a blog written about her. And she will get something more lengthy than what I am about to put down here. There are people that you admire that you can pull from, and you are alike enough that you can find a way to bend their qualities that you like best to fit your personality. That is the friend I mentioned above. And then there are other people that you admire enormously, like this other friend that I had in high school. We had many of the same interests, but we were not alike. I speak without thinking. She is reserved. I walk headlong into trouble. She sees it from miles away. When I got married she thought to bring a sewing kit. Who does that? She does. And thank God. Because I needed one. I am clumsy. I always wanted to be the person who thought first and spoke later. I wasn't. I'm still not. I always wanted to have that breathy voice that sounds sexy. I don't. I'd like to be the girl who remembers to bring a sewing kit to important occasions, but I don't know where mine is. I'm not sure I have one. There are some people that you can admire the hell out of, but you can never be like them.

And, on that note, I think about my lovely Australian friend in Greece. In so many ways, she reminds me of my high school friend who thinks before she speaks, shows up with the sewing kit, and I bet she has a pleasing voice. It may not be soft and breathy, but I be it's pleasing to the ear. Moreover, she is well read, smart, not afraid to ask the tough questions, and she phrases it all daintily. I am not sure she would like that word. Prosaically is more accurate. I am more of a shoot straight from the hip sort of person. I am not saying these personality types don't mix. This high school friend of which I speak, well, we've been friends for over twenty years. And I have to think that she has found SOMETHING in me to admire or she would have given up on me a long time ago.


Anyway, if you're looking to read something completely opposite of my stuff... in other words... lyrical, prosaic, smart, thought-provoking, and evocative, please drop in on my Australian friend in Greece. Besides, she wrote a very nice blog dedicated entirely to me that made me cry. And that is something that my sewing kit toting friend would do if she were a writer, which she is not. She'd be more likely to compose a song. Oh God. I hope there's not a song out there about me...

I WANT TO BE A ROCKSTAR

I have this really superb choral singing voice. I'm an alto, if you wanted to know. When I say choral singing voice, what I mean is that I am an excellent singer for a choir. I can harmonize and I blend. My voice doesn't have vibrato in it so that I stand out. This is wonderful news for a choir. Remember when I mentioned all that about wanting to major in music in college? Well, I still had these visions of me being Cher. That just wasn't going to happen. Cher stands out. Cher is a soloist. I can hold my own in a karaoke joint, which means people aren't going to throw things or run for the door like the place is on fire, but I'm not ever going to be Cher. I bet you're thinking that we covered this blog already with the hairbrush and curling iron. The thing is, I left out this cool graphic. See below. Isn't that awesome? I just wanted you know I always wanted to be a rockstar. Now we can move on.


I've also been thinking about what I wrote about my book writing a few days ago. Yeah, that conversation with my mom happened pretty much like I described it. But, here's the deal. Ever since my fingers started tapping on the keys, the book has been for me and no one else. What happened when mom and I had that conversation was this: pretty much everything in my life was derailing and I was having an anxiety attack. Have you ever had one of those? They don't happen unless pretty much everything blows up all at once. Well, they can happen to me if I'm having a bad migraine and am hit with a load of crap, but that wasn't the case. In this case, it was everything blowing up all at once. So, what I needed to do was start nailing things down one at a time. Basically, what that meant was gaining control over the stuff in my life one thing at a time. I started with my book. Yeah, I sounded nuts. And, I probably was a little nuts, but it was because it was the first thing I nailed down. Once I got that in place, it made it possible to start dealing with everything else. Unfortunately, some of the stuff was kinda out of my control. I just had to stop reacting to it. That is a toughie all by itself. Just stopping. Then I became proactive. I tell you what, though, it feels so much better to be proactive than reactive.

The other thing about me that is tough for people is this: the migraine. If you've never had one, you don't get it. Just like I don't get a lot of chronic pain that other people have. Or the weight loss journey that some of my fellow bloggers are on. I am encouraging them like crazy, but I don't get it like the other people who are also sharing that journey. The thing about my current migraine is this: it started in July 2009 and I don't know when it will end. I am living on pain pills. When I tell you that I keep track of pain pills on a notepad so that I don't OD, I am not joshing you. Imitrex, and drugs like that, only work at the start of a migraine, and mine started almost a year ago. There is not a chance of those drugs stopping it now. The last time I went through this, my migraine last four years. Four years. I want you to think about that and let it resonate in your head. It stopped when I moved to Florida and got on a drug and vitamin protocol and out of a stressful situation.

I know what you're thinking. Why aren't you back on the drug and vitamin protocol? I am. I am as destressed as I can be. It doesn't matter. The overwhelming allergic reaction that I had to the mattress/box spring nuked my immune system. I'm not whining and complaining and saying woe is me. I'm still hopeful. However, I think that the answer is time. My body needs me to keep doing what I'm doing and give it time to repair itself. In the meantime, I have a migraine all of the time and I deal. And I write. Sometimes I sing. I'm so glad I'm not a rockstar. It's so loud. I can't imagine what that would do to my migraine!

WHERE IS THE LINE?

I don't know if you missed me yesterday, or not, but I didn't blog. Between the double blogging, writing for my book, feeling like crap with my migraines, the drama that is my personal life that is contributing to my migraines... well, there just hasn't been time. A fellow blogger posted something recently about how she made an innocent comment on her blog (here) that was misinterpreted and created chaos in her personal life. She admitted that she chose to have a public blog vs a personal one, and accepted that the odds of this kind of thing happening were very low, but possible. It just happened at a very bad time for her (Murphy's Law was in effect). That got me to thinking about my own trauma, which was riding a parallel course, with hers, but different.

First off, I only have 13 followers on this blog, and I am not certain that all 13 actually read my blog. However, I did send out an email to a lot of friends when I first opened this account, indicating that I would be blogging here, and am aware of a few that have read, but may or may not still be reading, my stuff. I am a lot more open about my life, and a lot more likely to get into trouble than the friend I referenced above. My mind skipped over to another friend on here who has chosen complete anonymity. She is a place and her name is a colored animal. She has complete freedom to write whatever she wants about whomever she wants without worry. I bet she didn't send out an email to her friends with the address to her blog site. I am beginning to think that was the wiser course.

I believe I have mentioned blogging on facebook and having a fanpage blah blah blah. All of this blogging started because of my migraines. It was the one thing I could do on my own timetable. If I felt good only 45 minutes one day, that's when I would blog. If I didn't feel good enough to blog at all, I didn't. It turned out that having a purpose helped. Well, that and pain pills and tablet to keep track of how often I take them. But, in terms of my mental health and wellness, having the blog helped. I could actually DO something constructive. I wasn't a waste of space. I wasn't just a financial drain on my parents. I was still a financial drain on my parents, but I wasn't JUST that. Maybe I would become a better writer. Maybe I could support myself someday with my writing. Maybe there was a grand design I couldn't see here. Yeah, I had to have something to believe in.

After my ex and I divorced in early 2005, some friends convinced me to open a myspace account. I did. He did. He had to be on my friends list. I relented. As soon as I did it was less my space. But he was still exercising a lot of control over me at that time. I could see it, and I couldn't see it, at the same time. He was using the kids to make me do what he wanted. He had done that every time I tried to leave him when we were married. It was a pattern and it worked. When I moved to Florida, getting away from him and all the stress that went with him was very good for me. It also gave me clarity about what was going on in that dynamic. I am not sure that he has that clarity. Meaning, I don't think he sees any of that the same way I do, and he would be angry that I suggested such a thing. He believes a different reality.

I discovered Facebook at the end of 2008. Within days, my ex sent me a friend request. I pressed ignore. He sent another one. Again ignore. Then came the message. I told him that facebook was for my high school and college friends. He and I didn't go to high school or college. No, we weren't going to be friends on facebook. I finally had my own space. I thought I had a private space, even though we did have a few mutual friends. I was selective about the mutual friends I allowed on my facebook. I was also selective about what friends I tagged for my notes. Ironically, because I had my own space, my need to write about my ex really wasn't there. I knew that I could, so I didn't. On Feb. 20, 2010 I wrote the blog WHAT'S YOUR DAMAGE? and it opened Pandora's box. If you missed that one, you can click here. On facebook, I made sure not to tag any mutual friends for that blog. If you read it again, take note that this was not a blog about my ex. This was a blog about ME.


Well, someone copied and pasted the entire blog and emailed it to my ex. I would have thought that he would have called me immediately from the moon when he landed. No. He sat on it. He called his mother. I don't know how much he told her. Probably read the thing to her. Hell, maybe he forwarded it to her on the email. He told her that I couldn't talk to the kids until I talked to him. Turns out, she got to wait some time before delivering that message because I went through my mental breakdown at my doctor's office, followed up by my LOST blog, etc. I was having lots of problems of my own. They always spend the night with her on Saturdays and that was when I called. One week ago today. She was short and mad. She gave me the message, I called my ex's cell, got the message that his mailbox was full (like it has been for a year), waited for him to call me for over an hour, knew that he wasn't going to call and was letting me stew, shut off my phone, scrolled through all of the blogs since my blog hit the open forum of my fanpage, thinking he had discovered THAT, and something had set him off, finally sent him an email, and went to bed. Oh... the best I could come up with was my comment that "I think suicidal thoughts" in my LOST breakdown blog of what was going on with that scene where Ben was digging his grave. I was thinking he was going to use that to keep me from seeing the kids. I didn't see the other thing coming... at all.

The next day he'd responded to my email indicating that I knew what this was about, but in case I didn't, he'd copied and pasted a paragraph from the WHAT'S YOUR DAMAGE blog. He told me that it was "unacceptable, mean, and hurtful." Woah. He was in my private facebook, reading stuff he wasn't invited to read and it unacceptable, mean, and hurtful. Well, as you can imagine, the email started flying. I found out that whoever sent him that email also sent him the one about his mother laying into Corey. If you're feeling like a triple dose, you can click here so that you are fully up to speed. I am fairly certain that he sent that one to his mother. That will make all future trips to pick up the kids at her house lots of fun!

Eventually, I realized that we were going nowhere. All he could see was that the email made him look bad. It did. I had to step back and take a new approach, and I am thankful that it worked. I finally found the words that he could hear and understand. I couldn't tell MY story without tell his. Period. This was where I FUCKED UP and if I could have told the story and left him out of it, I would have done it. But, I couldn't. I told him that as bad as it made him look, it made me look even worse. Which I believe is true. I couldn't own my damage without telling my story and he was part of the story. As for the story with his mother, of course the part that he really took objection to was the last line where I said I understood why he had all of his issues. He wasn't really upset on behalf of his mother. It was all about him again. So, I told him what I saw. I saw Corey on the couch being emotionally shredded, and in my mind I saw an overlay of my ex at the same age getting the same treatment. I saw cycles. And that made it all better for him. What didn't make it better for me was that my ex doesn't seem to have any incentive to make things better for Corey, and I have no power. But, throwing that log onto an already out of control fire didn't seem wise.

The four of us had an uncomfortable dinner earlier this week. But, it was better than I expected. My ex let me know by his body language that his feelings were still hurt. That was typical behavior and to be expected. I am very used to this sort of thing. Next time will be better. His mother will be a whole different ballgame. There will be no forgive and forget with her. It will not matter that one person in the entire town read what I wrote, which would be the person who forwarded it to her son. It will be icy at her house from hereon out.

Why am I writing this now? I am in a quandary people. Through lots of therapy, during and after my marriage, I let go of pretty much everything that happened while I was married. I don't have this need to write about it. That is why I was on facebook for so long and didn't write anything about my ex. To my way of thinking, I still haven't. I wrote about me and owned my damage. He just was part of MY story. When I wrote something he didn't like, he played the kid card, just like he always has. "You don't do things my way, you don't see my kids." I realize that we will always come back here sooner or later. Eventually he will force me to say, "Okay, you explain it to them."

Where is the line? What is unacceptable, mean, and hurtful? If someone verbally abused you for years, and you finally found the courage to stand up and walk away, is it unacceptable, mean, and hurtful to share what that person did to you because then his friends, co-workers, and family would see a different side of him? Is it unacceptable, mean, and hurtful to his children? Is it unacceptable, mean, and hurtful to ask me to keep my mouth shut because he says he's become a different and better person? He doesn't seem different and better to me, because the first thing he did was play the kid card. He's only better when things are going his way. Help me out here, folks, what is unacceptable, mean, and hurtful? Where is the line?

A HORN TOOT

This is just a reminder for my *8* followers that I started another blog called TV Junction Function. It's exactly what it sounds like. It's a blog devoted to ranting and raving about TV. I'm up way past my bedtime because I HAD a TV post rattling around in my brain. I know my TV blog isn't for everyone. For example, my mother loathes everything but HGTV. I'm her daughter and she won't read it. But I will post periodic reminders that it is there as I gain followers so that they can check it out and maybe start following it... if it is up their alley.