Monday, May 9, 2011

More Important To Be Right Or Be Loved?

I am always amused and awed when I get an email from one of asking if I am okay. It makes me realize that I haven't blogged in a week or so and you are wondering if I have kicked the bucket. Blogging friends truly are wonderful. My regular friends can go months and not think anything of it. Kind of a sad commentary, no?

I think I mentioned that my mom has been watching the Oprah Network. Well, she has sucked me in, too. I like "the story behind the story" and I like shows that are digging for personal truth. Sort of like what I try to do here. If you are having difficulty in your life or your relationships, work it out. A show that is now ending on OWN is The Judds. Apparently Naomi and Wynona have had a volatile relationship forever. There are so many reasons for it and they get into all of them. I try to imagine being a teenager and having my mother for a mom and a boss. So not cool. That made the transition from mother-daughter to mother-friend an unnatural one. They love each other like crazy BUT...

I think about how hard it would be to work that out on television. On the other hand, if no one worked out their issues publicly, other people wouldn't have the opportunity to learn. If Chris didn't write her weight loss/life blog, no one else would have all that great information. If Phoenix didn't write her love each better blog, I wouldn't stop and think I could be doing that better. If Shoes didn't write his crazy ass blog, I wouldn't laugh every day. If JJ didn't write his philosophical stuff, what would I think about? If Lira didn't post her struggling actress tips for others, they wouldn't have that foundation. [I could go on and on about all of your great blogs but my hands would lock into position over this keyboard. ALL of you are amazing.] This is what we do for one another. We live our lives out loud for ourselves and other people. Some do it in writing and others on TV.

I have learned so many things watching Naomi and Wynona interact. First of all, people often are the most cruel to the people that they love most. Second, if there were a device to take words back, everyone would buy one. Third, revelation is a slow process. I think it is because you have to understand yourself before you can understand another. Think on that for a while. Yikes. Fourth, it is essential to speak your truth. Until you do that, you do not feel free. You are shackled by silence that eats your soul. It is only in speaking your truth at all times that you can remain free. That doesn't mean shouting it with the most pain and bitterness you can throw, but speaking it gently with the solidness of its truth. That is all.

Last night, Wynona said how important it was to her to be right. All of these years it has been so important to be right. She never saw before that if there were a choice between being right and being loved, being loved was so much better.

The answer here is not to cave in to everyone else on everything just so that you are loved and they feel good about themselves. That just makes you a doormat and you lose your truth (#4). However, everyone deserves to be heard and both can be right from their viewpoint. Acknowledging another person's rightness is okay, too. It is saying I hear and love you. And that is where Naomi and Wynona arrived. Some people never get there. One person is right and another is wrong. There cannot be two right viewpoints on the same situation that are different!

Look at what that little bit of learning did for their relationship. Now they can apply that to all of their relationships. Everyone who watched that show can start processing that in their relationships. Powerful stuff.

I called the kids on Saturday just to talk to them. I had been trying to get hold of H-Girl all week. I had talked to C-Man last weekend. My ex called me yesterday to wish me Happy Mother's Day. He told me that the kids said we'd talked the day before AND that they'd said they'd wished me HMDay then. I corrected him by telling him that I had called them, but nothing had been said about Mother's Day. After we hung up, H-Girl's cell rang. It was C-Man calling to wish me HMDay. He was rushed b.c. it was close to their bedtime. I thanked him and told him to go on and get ready for bed. I asked about his sister. She came to the phone, but she was clearly ticked off by her tone of voice. I asked her how she was, etc. I could tell that she was not going to say HMDay, so I just told her good night and she said good-bye. And that was that.

I sent my ex an email asking him not to do that in the future. The kids are old enough to know the holidays. If they want to call, they will. If they don't, they won't. But forced expressions of love are not love. And I am hoping that H-Girl unwittingly employed tactic number one on me. People are often the most cruel to the people they love the most.


  1. hey. I lived in silence for years. It does eat at you. And kids don't think. They haven't really lived long enough to feel the kind of pain that leads to compassion. Give it time. I figure you are just having migraines and dealing with your dad. Hugs. and happy mother's day.

  2. I agree that people are the most cruel to the ones they love most but probably because they feel they can tell them the truth and truth isn't always fun.

    I feel like the "both can be right from their viewpoint" is also politics in a nutshell. Everyone is right and everyone is wrong but man do we fight over it.

    The right versus loved is a toughie. Some people I would rather be loved by and some don't deserve that love back and I know I'm right by NOT letting them back into my life or hearing them out. Life is balance.

    Hope you are doing well! I miss your words!

  3. Being "right" isn't all it's built up to be. This one woman I used to date... with whom I was deeply in love... always had to be right. Always! ALWAYS!!

    She is so alienated today... from her family, from her child...

    And she still calls me, because, "Shoes, you were the only one that understood me..."

    Maybe so, but I got tired of her always needing/having to be right...

    That's sad...

    Did I go off on a tangent here?



  4. I admit I thought about you but alas, I did not email you! I'm glad you haven't "kicked the bucket"! :)

  5. Silence breeds resentment; but you're so right that one can speak without shouting, share without taking. You are a wise, wise woman ... and you've been missed. We need YOU to speak your truth ....

  6. You're right about that- we humans do tend to hurt the ones we love the most. Not that that knowledge makes it any easier...mothers are always having to take it on the cuff, no?

    I probably shouldn't venture into the right vs love thing...I really, really like to be right. LOL

  7. I miss your words too. We all do. <3

  8. Believe it or not, I woke up this morning thinking about the fact that I hadn't read anything from you or another blogger I read in a while (among other weird thoughts from strange dreams). As always, yes, glad to hear from you.
    Your insights are always valuable.
    I have had to face the difficult decision on how much of myself to give up or not in having certain relationships. I finally chose myself. Not sure if that means I am right or not, just that some relationships will never work out even if they are 'supposed' to because society says they should. I think when you are dealing with mental illness the rules may be a little different.
    I like what you have decided about the kids. Forced displays of love are definitely not real love. They'll get it eventually. You have laid a good foundation.

  9. I knew you didn't kick the bucket, but I would be very unhappy if I thought you became the bucket. I am with Yenta Mary. Be well.

  10. I've been on both sides of it and all I've really learned is that love and relationships are about the most complicated things we deal with as human beings. There's a fine line sometimes between being right and speaking one's truth. I love the way you put it. Speaking the truth without shouting is a much better way to be heard.

    H-Girl will wake up someday and realize that she no longer needs to be so right all the time. She'll also realize just who taught her that, my friend. I don't know if you realize it or not, but you do an amazing job of teaching by example, Rob. She might not acknowledge it right now, but she's been hearing you all along.

    Hang in there kiddo. It's so good to see you posting. I know it's been a rough road lately, but you truly have been missed.

    Warm Hugs,
    ~Mrs B

    1. Melanie here! I enjoyed this piece, please email me--I have a question about your blog. MelanieLBowen[at]gmail[dot]com


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