And Then There Were... Bullets

I am considering making Mondays bullet point post days. Every week they overtake me and I am (sadly) unprepared. Ergo... say it with bullets.

• Remember that ennui I mentioned toward blogging about a week ago, possibly more. Well, it's still there, but I am enjoying putting a video on my TV blog (every day but Saturday). Some are current TV and some cancelled shows. But it is FUN. If you want to see what is going on there, click HERE.
• I feel like I am gaining traction on my novel. Several CPs came back with excellent suggestions and the whole project is moving onward and upward. Woohoo! If you want to beta read or CP this project, email me. 
• This has been a Not So Great week in terms of migraines. Yeah, that means I am struggling. I woke up with a doozy this morning. My dreams must be powerful stuff if they trigger this sort of reaction. I just wish I could remember what CAUSED this massive amount of stress. And this massive migraine... that even now has my stomach flip-flopping and my head feeling like it wants to pound itself right off my shoulders.
• You might be thinking... why aren't you in bed? I was. For hours. And it doesn't help. That isn't to say that I won't be returning directly...
• I stumbled into my next song for Battle of the Bands last week. BOTB will be this Wednesday. And I am 95% positive I am going with the song I just found. I didn't even know there was a cover(s). How exciting is that???? Well, for me: very. For you: meh. Ha!
• Mom and I like to go to the game rooms here in Florida. We don't spend much and usually come out a few bucks ahead. I figure when it all washes out, we either break even or make a little bit. A few years ago, when we lived in Yulee, we came out way ahead. That was my second source of income. Ah... the economy.
• Anyway... two things happened this week that made me think about people and how crazy they are. 
• First: It's 8:30PM and we are in a PACKED game room. This woman is telling one or two other people her PERSONAL BUSINESS at the top of her voice. And then she says something like, "This is private. My personal business. I don't want the whole world to know." Or something like that.
• I am sitting on the other side of the room and I can hear every word she says.
• Guy sitting next to me mutters, "A bit late for that."
• I thought, "Heck, yeah. I wish she'd toned it down ten minutes ago." That thought was followed up by, "I bet she'd make a great character in a novel some day."
• Yesterday, mom and I were leaving the game room (different room) when these two women walk in. Mom is going to the ladies room and I am waiting. Turns out these two are mother-daughter. The mother says loudly (of course), "My daughter is visiting me. She has done nothing but complain about how hot it is since she got here."
• Man, I love that kind of guest (you know, the complaining kind). It's been 80 degrees here the last few days. Freakin' gorgeous weather. The daughter says, "Well, it's 33 where I live." And she says it like she wishes she were there. (I wished she was there, too.)
• And it goes like that. On and on and on. Finally, they leave the counter and move to some games and the mother is still talking loudly enough for the ENTIRE ROOM to hear their conversation.
• And that is when it hits me (again) that this could be yet another facet of that annoying character I met in the game room earlier in the week. 
• For all of you still wondering about my shoulder... man, it still hurts. I am doing exercises and gaining range of motion. But, the pain is still... Well, let's put it this way: It is very painful to pull up my pants. Something about that specific rotation in the shoulder really hurts. Yesterday we stopped at Arby's for dinner and I needed to use the restroom. Tiny stall. In the process of the already-painful pulling up the pants process I slam my (bad) arm into the TP dispenser. I nearly cried right there in the stall.
• Last, but not least, some old dude hit on me at the karaoke place. I am a magnet for old dudes. Worse, I remain stunned each time they hit on me. This particular one was missing most of his teeth and I am pretty sure he was older than my mother - who was sitting right next to me. Ah well... if any of you guys can explain this phenomena, I am all ears.

I guess that is a wrap. Any of this sound familiar????

Bullets for Breakfast

I haven't tried a bullet point post in a while. Those are fun. They are bite-sized thoughts. Who doesn't love bite-sized goodies?

• When I was a kid I used to love to tell (anyone who would listen) what happened on a TV show. Usually, it was M*A*S*H, but not always.
• Now that I am older, and my mom lives with me, she loves to tell (anyone who will listen) that I would take an hour to rehash a half hour show.
• Apparently, this drove both my parents *crazy* when I did it... all of those years ago.
• Do you remember your parents saying things like, "I hope that when you have kids they are just like YOU!"
• Well, I didn't have any kids, but I have my mom who is *crazy* for this TV show Heartland. She is watching it from the beginning on the Up Network.
• Last Friday night we went out to dinner and she talked the entire meal detailing what happened on the last episode of Heartland. When the check came, I said, "You and dad wondered where I got that endearing trait of relaying TV shows... well, it was from YOU."
• I am here to tell you that karma always happens. It comes back to you. Sometimes from your kids. Sometimes your parents, but it comes back. And it is annoying. I can see why I drove my parents *crazy.*
• Battle of the Bands... I appreciate everyone who listened and voted in this most recent installment of Battle of the Bands. You rock!
• The song was Up The Ladder To The Roof. The combatants were The Supremes and The Nylons.
• For a LONG time, this battle was a tie. Back and forth it went. Man, that did my heart good. ::air kisses for you::
• And then The Supremes pulled ahead and The Nylons did not regain that ground. 
• The final vote: 15 to 10. The Supremes take it.
• Make it 15 to 11. I vote for The Nylons. I love that group. I found them in the 80s and wore out the tape on my cassette One Size Fits All. When I went to college, turns out I wasn't the only one who loved it. My freshman year, someone would put that tape in and we would sit around playing euchre (if you're from the north, you know what that is). Such fond memories go with The Nylons.
• I am so happy with those of you volunteered to read my novel. Seriously, you guys are awesome.
• Elsie sent me some comments about the first scene (or two) along with a note to cut the word "that" whenever possible. Yesterday, I ran the Find Function on the word "that." Holy cow. I kid you not, but that word "that" is Everywhere. I think it snuck into my writing and bred like rabbits. I deleted the unnecessary ones, but couldn't always delete the space it created. 
• Solutions sometimes create different problems.
• Last night I read a blog over at The Kill Zone by James Scott Bell. It was called Revisiting the Mirror in the Middle. Or something close to that. You can click the link to read it for yourself. Essentially, he said that if you go to the middle of any book, movie, etc. that in the middle is that mirror moment for the character.
• Of course, I immediately logged out of blogger and back into my novel. I needed to know what was in the middle of my book. 
• It was what I call the Revelation scene. Woah.
• And then I had a revelation of my own. Let me tell you about it...
• Back in 2006, I wrote the scene that was the inspiration and eventually Back Story for this novel.
• At first, I used it as The Prologue.
• Then I read how so many people didn't like Prologues and absorbed it into Chapter 1.
• I have moved it all over Chapter 1, still not that happy about where it is.
• Last night, I moved it to the Middle. It belongs in that Revelation moment. Of course it does.
• Ironically, James Scott Bell talks about starting in the middle and working forward and back.It turns out by putting this scene there... that is kinda sorta what I did. 
• I haven't read his book (yet) about writing this way, but I think he means that the inspiration for your story is very likely the moment, the crisis, the event that started the character on this path. That point in the middle is the place where the MC questions all of it. Maybe things are starting to make sense or maybe it is all crazier than ever... but it is that point where the MC pauses and says, "Holy crap. What am I doing? What have I done? Where am I going? Can I continue like this????"
• Naturally, this is going to force me to rework the middle scene, the revelation scene. 
• Solutions sometimes create different problems.

Have your kids or parents thrown any of your bad habits back at you? How did that feel? Did you vote in Battle of the Bands? Did the outcome surprise you? Have you noticed in your own writing, reading, watching of movies, that the main character has a mirror moment in the middle (sometimes with an actual mirror and sometimes not)? Have you ever written the middle first and worked forward and back? Have you read any of James Scott Bell's books on writing?

Raining Down A Hail of Bullets

On my last bullet point post, Biting The Bullet, I started with the wind sock (stuck in the gutter) and ended with the idea that I wanted to be like wind sock when it is flowing free and fulfilling its nature. I linked that old post if you are interested in my idea of metaphor. (Hint: It is a rambling post that SEEMS to go nowhere and then doubles back and actually finds a point.)

Let's try it again.

• The wind sock is once again hopelessly caught in the gutter.
• I would snap a photo, but I already did that once and, seriously, how many photos of a wind sock in a gutter does a person need to see?
• I finished reading the book The Fault In Our Stars, by John Green, a little over a week ago. 
• Yes, there is a movie based on the book at the movies. I have yet to see the movie, but I laughed and then cried through the book. Since I know how it ends, I think I will save it for home viewing. As much I love sobbing at the movies, I will take a pass.
• I don't think this is any sort of spoiler alert, but the teenage characters in the book (and movie) have cancer. The boy, Augustus Waters, is a huge fan of metaphor. His constancy in looking for it in everything around him made me fall in love with him just a bit more than I expected.

• Okay, it is a little creepy saying that I fell in love with Augustus Waters and then SEEING Augustus Waters. He is a teenager. It was a whole lot cooler when he was just a character in a book.
• But, I still love that metaphor clip. It was exactly the way John Green wrote it. So, maybe it is HIM I fell in love with just a little bit. That is slightly less creepy given that he is closer to my age, but married.
• Let's move on...
• So, I read this book about cancer and had a bit of a breakdown. I did mention the crying, right?
• One of my friends from high school has been battling cancer since his 20s. I thought constant, chronic migraines were a bitter pill. Lest you ever forget... there is ALWAYS someone who has it worse than you do.
• So, anyway, he posts these horribly long (and dreadfully sobering) updates on his Facebook page. The cancer is slowly becoming him. As it is in his brain, spine, lymph nodes, legs, and now pelvis. The fact that the guy lived this long is a miracle in itself. The treatment stopped working a while ago and he has decided No More. So, now it is just a waiting game. 
• I told you about my friend from high school whose son died of cancer. Well, I mentioned it. I didn't really go into it. That was last December. I feel surrounded by cancer.
• A friend from college just announced that her teenage daughter has been diagnosed with osteoscarcoma (bone cancer), which is the same cancer Augustus Waters had in The Fault In Our Stars.
• Since I just read that book I know a whole lot more about osteoscarcoma than I did a week ago. 80% of people beat it. That is a great statistic unless you fall in the 20%. I have debated sending my friend an email to NOT read this book or watch this movie.
• Yesterday I just had tissue biopsied to determine if I have cancer. Isn't that exciting? I could be the next person on Facebook to create a page that is devoted to cancer!!!!
• Before you get too excited, the doctor who performed the biopsy took me aside after and said that it was unlikely (though not certain) that I had cancer. He had seen cancerous tissue many times when it was OBVIOUSLY cancer and mine wasn't. 
• So, for right now, I am riding on the good side of the stats. Of course, he was less than thrilled about everyone on my father's side of the family dying of colon cancer. Well, not the young people (as in my age or younger) yet. He made sure that we had a sobering talk on the importance of colonoscopies. I assured him that I am well aware.
• I am well aware.
• I am currently reading George R.R. Martin's Game of Thrones. Now, that is a tome. And it is the first of a series. The first book tops 800 pages. 
• I watched the first three seasons of the TV show that follows the book and am glad I did. It makes the book much easier reading.
• Spoiler alert: No one dies of cancer in Game of Thrones. No one lives long enough to die of cancer. They live in a medieval time and are much more likely to be run through with a sword, battle axe, or one of those wicked spiked balls that warriors like to throw around.
• As I read it, I find myself pondering the bigger issues of holding to honor and valor and honesty when lying, corruption, and deceit seem to repeatedly win the day. I think on how things are going down in George R.R. Martin's fictional world and then take a look at how things are going down right here... and it all seems frightfully the same. The surest way to lose the game is to fight it honorably and the surest way to win it is with cunning and deception.
• And that brings me back to the wind sock. You knew we were coming back to the wind sock...
• All the wind sock desires is to blow free and fulfill its Nature. That is its greatest happiness. 
• Yet it remains glued to the gutter. And so it shall be until I walk out there and give it another good yank. 
• Is it our destiny, like that of the wind sock, to constantly return to the gutter and consistently require a good yank from an outside source to set us right again?

Biting The Bullet

I used to post bullet point blogs frequently. When my brain felt jumbled that seemed the logical way to sort it all out. I haven't written one in a while. Am I less jumbled? Well, not today. So, here we go...

• My mom bought some Red, White, and Blue decorations for Memorial Day. They will probably hang until July 4, but that is A-Okay. We are NOT big decorators here, so I am talking about a plaque for the door and a wind sock, just in case you were picturing yard decorations and lights.
• At dinner over a week ago, right after mom put the wind sock up, she said to me, "When I came home the wind sock was hanging off the roof, like it was holding on by its fingernails." That struck me as very funny. As in ironic funny. Do you ever have moments, hours, days, months when you feel like the entire country (maybe the world) is holding on by its fingernails?

• That night I took the photograph above and then pulled the wind sock down.

• It clung to the gutter. A bit of water caught its legs. As I yanked it down it occurred to me that maybe that is all it takes... people with initiative giving a good yank.
• Last week, Jasmine's What If Wednesday question was this: What is your wildest dream? I wrote an extremely lengthy comment only to arrive at the conclusion that I have discarded my wildest dreams as I have journeyed through this migraine-filled existence. Perhaps the thing now holding me back from complete recovery is the lack of a dream. If you have nothing to reach for, aspire to, aim at... what are you?
• I think I wrote here before that we can live more easily without hope than purpose. Purpose will keep us moving forward even when hope is gone. Or hanging by its fingernails.
• Writing my novel gave me purpose. 
• Revisions plague me.
• The thought crept in (and continues to linger) that I am just not good enough of a writer to keep working at this project. What is the point? I read recently at Writer Unboxed that the writers who succeed aren't necessarily the most talented. They are the ones that don't give up. They get better by continuing to write and rework their story until it is good.
• Is writing my wildest dream?
• For years, my wildest dream was, after I found my way back to health, helping people who fell through the floor. I envisioned a website, houses, and creating an organization that didn't just offer a hand out but a help up. 
• The problem? People with chronic pain and no tissue disorder suffer from emotional pain. 20% of the afflicted accept that diagnosis and get better. 80% insist on a surgery, pill, or Anything Else. 
• The truth is that people don't want to clean out their emotional garbage. It is stinky and painful and HURTS to root around in that particular trash bin. Plus, it *seems* incomprehensible that broken relationships and/or emotional pain of any kind could result in very real physical pain.
• On my HERE'S TO YOU post, Stephen T. McCarthy wrote in the comments that God spoke to him via his Inner Voice that morning. I know just what he was saying because that has happened to me. Back in 2008 God spoke to me one morning and told me that every single thing I was going through happened for a reason. It was the catalyst that would bring me to a career that would bring me more joy than I could possibly imagine. So, I needed to start meeting this journey with acceptance, rather than resistance.
• I have been so-so with the acceptance vs. resistance concept. But, I BELIEVED that God had a Purpose for me. One that would bring me joy beyond my imaginings. Not long after My Idea (sound byted above) began to form.
• Since Jasmine's blog and Stephen's comment I have been thinking a lot about my wildest dream and what God whispered into my ear. And I ask myself, "How can I help people who don't want to be helped?"
• The answer became obvious. I can't. But, there are 20% who will say Yes. So, I need to spend some mental energy figuring out how to help that 20%.
• And I want to spend time writing my novel. No, I don't think it is the Great Giver of Joy that God talked about, but I LIKE it. I will only improve with practice.
• .... and that all leads to less time spent blogging. I can't spend hours every single day reading blogs and still accomplish these things. But if I stop doing that, the chances of my putting together weekly HERE'S TO YOU posts dwindles into impossibility. 
• While HERE'S TO YOU gives me tremendous joy, I don't think it is what God was talking about either. And if subverting My Wildest Dream keeps me stuck in the land of migraines... this cannot be a good thing.
• For a LONG TIME blogging gave me Purpose and I am beyond thankful that I started this site and met all of you. You are blessings.
• In the name of pinpointing my Wildest Dream and my Purpose, I am not going to read daily. I will become more hit and miss with commenting. HERE'S TO YOU won't be weekly. It will be Whenever I Can Pull a Post Together. 
• However, I am not disappearing. I am just going to better manage my time.
• Like the wind sock, I was stuck. I am yanking myself down in an effort to be free and find my own flow with nature. As I write this, I see the wind lifting it and blowing through it. If a wind sock can be happy, I think mine is. It is fulfilling its Purpose.
• I want to be like the wind sock.

Are you striving to live your Wildest Dreams? Are you willing to set aside or cut back on things that you enjoy to make it happen?

Biting Bullets aka Raging Against The Machine

Another Tuesday is here. Once again, I don't have any Big Ideas for a blog post. Let's go with bullets, shall we?

• Last week over at Unicorn Bell they asked for submissions of Inspiring Stories. I debated whether I wanted to jump into that pool and decided that the worst that would happen was I'd get wet. So, my story is up over there today. If you feel so inclined to read it, well that would be awesome! If you like it, that would be even better:) You can click the link...
• My garden is thriving. Mostly. My dog runs through it on her way to the back gate. Aside from that, so far so good.
• My migraines have been troublesome. Again. I think I might be approaching the core of my issues. The closer I get, the more my brain wants to distract me. Excruciating migraines do the trick rather handily.
• I am now finished with my A to Z posts through the letter "R." I can see the Finish Line. Good thing because April 1 is almost here.
• Retired accountants "work" at the library on Saturdays for free before April 15. Since I have been on disability, tax hasn't been an issue for me. Heck, I am living below the poverty line and must live with my mom just to survive. Anyway, I used my inheritance from my dad and withdrew money from my IRA last year to make some much-needed repairs to this house.
• I expected the Energy Credits to offset whatever the IRS would charge me for withdrawing the money early.
• Not so. I got no Energy Credits because I had no taxable income (remember that part about living below the poverty line), but was assessed a penalty of just under $700 for withdrawing the money.
• Oh, and I lost my Energy Credits because they don't carry over if you aren't able to use them. So, even though I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to get better and back to work, the IRS is not going to give me the energy credits when I am working again. They are just gone.
• I concede that this debacle could have something to do with the migraine that has plagued me since Saturday.
• Do you ever tell yourself things like, "It's just money. No big deal. You shouldn't sweat the small stuff. In the scheme of things this really is small stuff, it just seems like big stuff." So do you? Does it work?
• I just had a bit of a revelation as I typed this last bit. Every time my migraine cranks up it has something to do with my core issues: feeling abused, trapped, loss of voice, loss of confidence, and not good enough. If you read my IWSG post then you know this hotbed of crap started in junior high school, reappeared when I was married, and stuck around for the duration. Each time I made progress, I was hit in the face with one or more of these feelings.
• Let's take a quick look at how I felt on Saturday. The taxation system of the government in disallowing my energy credits but insisting on my penalty even though my income was extremely sub-par... yeah, I felt trapped, abused, unable to voice my *valid - I think* complaint, bullied, but not confident about gaining any traction in turning this around. I suppose that not good enough doesn't apply, expect for the fact that one of the workers told me I was ignorant for not being aware of how this would all turn out. She said I would have been smarter to take out a loan (because that is just what I need - another payment every month). 
• But, I didn't say anything. I just took her dressing down because that is what you do with your elders. Right? Even though inside I was raging against the machine... and her. At least the guy who worked with me on my taxes felt badly about how this all turned out. (She was the person who checked over the numbers, verifying it was all "correct.")
• So, compared to her I was definitely not good enough and sorely lacking in the Smarts Department. And I kinda got the feeling that she enjoyed my having to pay that $700 for being such a dimwit and not taking out the loan I couldn't afford.
• And there it is. Rage. My core issue that I really don't want to face. Rage. Rage. Rage. 
• People pleasers, like myself, don't rage inside like a volcano on the verge of eruption. We nurture. We love. We give and give and give and give until it hurts by golly.
• Well, that was unexpected. Sorry about that. I truly didn't see it coming. It just poured out like water breaking the dam. If you got wet, my apologies. 

Tuesday With Bullets

When I don't have a specific thing I want to talk about, I used to employ the bullet point method. That way I covered a fair amount of ground without elaborating too long on any one thing. After staring at this screen for half an hour and not coming up with a "topic" the bullet point idea looks pretty darn good.

Here we go...

• On Saturday I planted my vegetables in our newly created garden space. 
• None of my vegetables grown from seed were among those planted.
• I killed all of the cucumbers when I transplanted them to larger pots. Adios. And my tomato seeds should have been planted back at the end of December, but I didn't get started on my in-house project until the end of January. So, the tomatoes at Lowe's were much sturdier than my poor plants. 
• The good news: I know now that Florida has three planting seasons. Spring. Summer. Fall.
• I plan to plant my tomatoes grown from seed for the Summer planting... assuming I don't kill them when I transplant them.
• I also planted two tomato plants in Topsy Turvy upside down planters.
• Last year, I planted too late for spring (April) and too early for summer. End result: all of my cucumber plants died. No tomatoes, either. By fall, I finally got some peppers.
• In other words, if we had to rely on my garden, my mom and I would be dead right now.
• I am hoping for better results this year.
• I am, once again, godawful sore from my heroic planting efforts.
• And yesterday I woke up with a migraine from hell. It lasted all day, all night, and I still have it now. Given the fact that it started raining during the night (Sunday). I think that the barometer may assume some blame here. The weather is supposed to clear this evening. I hope that my migraine does, too. You know... back to tolerable.
• My mom met a man using the Christian mingle website. And when I say "met" I mean that he lives 6 hours away, so they talk all the time on the phone or IM. On the one hand, he sounds like a very nice man and I'm happy for her. On the other hand, I am worried that when they meet in person, it will all go Blah. Anyone else have dating stories from friends, family, or your own experience of meeting someone through a dating website?
• I try not to be the "wet blanket," but my relationship meter is set on Extreme Caution. I suppose that hasn't been conducive to actually having one. Hmm.
• A friend from church and I are planning to go out to lunch on Friday and maybe see a movie. So, after church I said, "Oh, the new Captain America might be out." High excitement on my part. She looked blank. I expanded, "You know, Captain America from The Avengers." She said, "I didn't see it." Say what???? I then said, "Have you seen either of the Thor movies or Iron Man?" She said, "No." Hunh. I changed tack. "Did you watch the Veronica Mars TV show when it was on? The movie is out in the theatre now." This is a HUGE DEAL for me. I can't wait to see this movie. She said, "No." Hunh. She then said, "I mostly like comedies or romance movies." Well, I like those, too. I can't think of any that are playing right now that I want to see. I suggested seeing A Winter's Tale a month ago, and she agreed, but it just didn't happen. So... this will be interesting.
•  I set out to read my finished rough draft start to finish on Saturday. I couldn't get past Chapter One. It was awful. Terrible. The worst. So, after making all sorts of notes and marks and slashes, I reworked it on the computer. The new version is Chapter One Take Three. 
• On the one hand, I was thrilled that it was terrible, because that meant my writing improved. On the other hand, I couldn't help wondering how long I was going to slog through this thing before I began to think, "Okay now, this is actually better." If Chapter One is any indication, it could be a long time.

And that is the fluff and bother that is going on here. What's been happening in your world?

BULLET FOR LIFE

image found at www.weaheartit.com

You know what I haven't done in a long time?  A bullet point post.  Those are excellent for times like now when I don't have a singular topic that I really want to blog on, but I have MANY thoughts rolling around in the noggin'.

• I am still working on the novel, for all of you have been DYING OF CURIOSITY regarding this matter.  I can't say that the progress is particularly fast, but I am still working at it.  I find it interesting how much time I spend just thinking about the characters and where the story will go.  Does anyone else who writes do this?
• On my way home tonight, I nearly had a car accident in the round about.  It is a pretty low traffic area.  There are only three lanes of traffic going into and out of the round about.  (In other words the road T's out on one end.)  If you unfamiliar with a roundabout, each car going into the roundabout has a yield sign.  Ergo, if there is another vehicle in the roundabout, you wait until they have passed before entering.  I was behind another car approaching from the bottom part of the T, if you can visualize that, and would ultimately be making a left turn.  While I was in the roundabout, a minivan, who was approaching from the right side of the T,  waited for the car in front me, and then decided to just come on out.  I kept on going, but I really thought they were going to just plunge into my side.  
• Do you think that they didn't understand Yield?  Maybe they thought it meant you take turns.  I am not sure, but it sure took my breath away. 
• Still going to my tapping therapy approximately once a week.  We are now really getting into what I would consider the really traumatic issues.  I have learned a lot.  For instance...
• Every bad thing that has happened to me relates back in some way to Boundaries.  All of my life, my Boundaries have been Terrible.  Some of the worst things that I have allowed to happen to me simply stem from a belief system of not wanting to hurt someone else's feelings... even if it has meant doing horrible damage to myself.  
• I don't know how we can teach ourselves, and our kids better younger, that we have value, but this needs to happen.  Yes, being kind to others is very important, but kindness to others at the expense of yourself isn't actually a kindness.  It's a Boundary Issue.  It's actually telling someone that you don't have any.  And people who have Reverse Boundary Issues (they don't respect other people's boundaries) will be drawn to someone with Boundary Issues like a magnet.  I know this to be true.  It is the pattern that I lived repeatedly.  
• In order to break a pattern, you have to see the pattern.  That is freeing information right there.
• In addition to my not wanting to hurt anyone else's feelings, I have a Rescuer Complex.  This is actually another Boundary Issue.  The Rules of Life indicate that you will reap what you sow.... unless someone alters the natural order of things.  That someone would be a Rescuer.  
• Rescuers disallow people with other Boundary Issues from feeling the pains of their habits.  For instance, if someone is bad with money, the only way they will get better is if they suffer from their poor budgeting.  If they have a Rescuer in their life, that person will never feel the pain of their mismanagement.  However, the Rescuer will.  There is a Law and someone will feel the pain.
• Let's just say that 20+ years of Rescuing and being in close relationships with people who have Reverse Boundary Issues have taken their toll.  
• The Rules of Life still apply and it says that everyone will always reap what they have sown.  I am reaping what I have sown.  I am reaping 20+ years of acceptance that other people's wants were more important than my needs, as well as all of that Rescuing.  For my trouble, I got a ten year migraine and a host of autoimmune issues.
• So, what I know is this: the spirit rejects these things and transforms this bad thinking into illness.
• Conversely, I must believe as the thinking improves, the manifestations in the body will follow.
• Understanding Boundary Issues has given me a whole new perspective on my life.  I can now see that things didn't "just happen" to me.  I can also own my part in the things that did happen.  Grasping that makes all the difference because getting that means not allowing those things to happen again.  
• It feels like I was asleep for all of my life and I just woke up.  I didn't know any of the Rules of Life and that was why it was so hard.  Life will never be "easy" but it can make sense.

And that is pretty much the news in the Land of Robin.  Please leave a comment and tell me what is going on in the Land of You!

DON'T POINT THOSE BULLETS AT ME

Here's the deal:

• I have written numerous blogs in my head, but none have actually made it onto the computer.
• Yeah. That is extremely lame.
• What is even worse is that I actually have stuff to write about and am just not writing.
• On top of that, the stuff is now soooo much that I am saying things like, "I can't write a catch up blog now because it would be too long."
• And then I follow that one up in my head with, "Who really cares anyway?"
• You have maybe six people on here who actually read your posts.
• Besides that, you have been absolutely awful about reading all of your friends' posts.
• Your concentration is keeping pace with a flea.
• And when you do read a post you sit and stare at the computer trying to come up with a comment. Usually you give up because all you can think of is something like, "Great post."
• And that is like giving no comment at all. Egads.
• For the most part, I have spent the better part of my waking time on Facebook doing stuff that requires as little thinking as possible.
• That is the God's honest truth. You did get the part about having the attention span of a flea, right? Facebook is perfect for that.
• However, there has been other stuff going on.
• I can't recall if I told you that I was dreaming about my dad just about every night up until about ten days ago.
• Oddly enough, most of the time, I had no memory recall of what we were doing in the dream. Sometimes, I did. Mostly not.
• The first time I did remember him in my dream, it was a bunch of friends of mine and my dad. My dad was in the middle of two of my friends backup singing and doing dance steps like the Supremes. That couldn't have been more unlike my dad.
• I laughed so hard when I woke up. That told me he was willing to do anything to get into my dreams!
• When I was in elementary school , we lived in what we called the boondocks. It was a very undeveloped area of Florida that still had a lot of woods and snakes and even gators in certain places. Anyway, we had a tiger cat that I named Rowr. Unfortunately, Rowr ate one too many geckos and lost his hearing.
• A gecko's tail is poisonous, but Rowr didn't make that association. Anyway, my parents figured out that Rowr was deaf, but didn't tell my brother and I, and one day we left the back gate open and Rowr got out.
• I remember walking the block calling his name for days. I was devastated. I loved that cat.
• Mom and Dad didn't have the heart to tell me or my brother that he probably got out the gate and was fairly helpless prey out in the woods being deaf.
• About two weeks ago, I am lying in bed one morning wide awake, but not ready to get up. I feel something jump on the bed. My bedroom door is closed and the dogs are not allowed in the bedrooms. Besides, it is too light to be any of our dogs.
• I open my eyes and nothing is there. I close them and it starts pouncing all over my legs. I open them and it stops. I close them to slits and it goes crazy bouncing all over my bed. All around my legs, up around my head, over my stomach, etc. Then it is gone. I think it is over.
• Not. I feel a hard landing. Clearly it jumped from the floor back onto the bed. And the play resumes. I can tell it is a cat by the weight of it. Finally it has enough and jumps off.
• I jump out of bed and go tell my mom.
• We throw around theories and I tell her that I think Dad sent Rowr down so that I would know that he is okay. All cats go to heaven.
• Two days later, I am lying in bed awake and I get another cat visitation.
• I kid you not.
• This time I talk to it through slitted eyes. Every time I fully open my eyes it stops playing. It is like it is playing hide and go seek or something. Moving on...
• I call it by name (Rowr) and thank it for coming to play with me and let me know it is okay. Then I thank my dad for sending Rowr down for a visit. It is a relief to know that he is with dad in heaven.
• Since then, no more morning cat visitations.
• However, my dad's mom (Nanny) came to call and she came in a BIG way. Her signature sign is her perfume and she about knocked me out.
• I was playing around on Facebook. I did mention that I have been doing that, right?
• And she BLASTED me with her perfume. In the past, she has come by softer. This time she wanted my FULL attention and she got it. Actually, I think she wanted me to know on previous visits that she was okay and watching over me.
• This time, I think she was letting me know that I wasn't going to be hearing from dad for a while, but she was with him and he was okay. She had him and all was well. And I told her out loud that I got the message.
• And then when I got my head screwed on straight, I started screaming for my mom to come to my room RIGHT NOW. She did (griping that she was in the middle of something).
• I said, "Stop. Can you smell that?"
• She backed up. She got this look on her face and went "Woah. Nanny's perfume."
• So, since dad has died, he has visited, Nanny has visited, and my cat that died in the 70s has visited.
• Makes you wonder who will be next...
• I actually have more to report, but I will save it for my next post. This is long enough already. I am afraid I lost some of you back on bullet point #5.

N is for Not Afraid

A friend of mine emailed me with some comments on the last blog. She indicated, once again, that I am much funnier in bullet points than I am in paragraphs. I think it is because I have a sarcastic personality and you can't really get a good jab in with a paragraph format. It is only in bullet points can you sink one. I am a real fun one at parties, too. Nothing out of me and then *BAM* I nail the sarcastic jolt when least expected. Of course, my friend had a few other comments. I think I shall address those and anything else that comes to mind in bullet points, since I am insanely funnier that way.

• She says that I shouldn't have laughed at H-Girl when she said she was "all about the learning." That sort of behavior on my part is likely just to make the kid angry at me.
• I say that the kid needs someone to call her out on her crap. She needs to know that she isn't snowing me like she is other people. Kids don't respect people they think they are manipulating. I want her to know that I have her number. 'Nuff said.
• My friend also indicated that blogger had this nifty bullet point program. Peeps, I am utterly lost on a computer. Hand to God.
• My mother used to tell me daily when I was a kid that I would lose my head if it weren't attached to my shoulders.
• What does this have to do with anything?
• Well, I know that there are some of you who think I should just learn how to do the design on my website. You are thinking, "It can't be that hard."
• I thought like that, too, for about three hours after I bought the domain name and my web hosting site. Into the fourth hour, I very nearly chucked my laptop out the window.
• Eventually I called the 24-hour 800 number help line to get them to put up a page indicating my site was under construction because I could not figure out how to write that on a BLANK PAGE and put that up.
• Yes, it is that bad. And that is where the head and shoulders business figures in.
• I tell you that and I share you this thing about the bullet points for this reason: I have been on blogger for over a year and didn't know that in the menu bar that it would create bullet points for me.
• Right now I am looking at the quotations and I can't figure out by sheer reasoning what that will do if i click on it. Clearly it will do something regarding quotations, but what? what? what?
• It should be obvious, but it isn't.
• It's hard to believe right now that I graduated with a liberal arts degree from college, isn't it?
• I know. I am having trouble digesting it, too.
• On Saturday night, we went to the pizza place for food and karaoke.
• Our usual karaoke guy wasn't there because his band was playing somewhere so some friends of his were filling in. This was a new experience for us.
• Not so much for them. They have their own business and their own equipment.
• Once again, too many kids were singing for our taste. Pretty much any kids are too many because most can't sing. They scream or talk into the microphone and it is monotone.
• However, the kicker this past Saturday was that there were only 8 people on the sheet to sing, but the teenagers took over every time it came to them. How did they do this? They sang solo, they sang duets, they sang trios.
• Three girls managed to hog the microphone for forty minutes every time the rotation got back to them.
• So, we we were there for three hours and sang three times. You do the math on that one. Eight people. Three hours. Everyone should have gotten to sing a lot.
• We almost didn't sing that third time because my mom was tired of listening to teenagers and kids scream into the microphone. The lady came around with the sheet to get our song to speed up the process, and my mom asked how far out we were. Turns out two kids were ahead of us, one of whom was singing.
• At that point, I was in favor of waiting and singing. We were there for three hours and had only been able to sing twice. Mom was ready to go, and said something about there being too many kids.
• I knew that was a pointless drum to beat. When you go to karaoke at a restaurant, there will be kids.
• The lady said if you want no kids you should go to a place that is over 21, and she was right.
• I said that the real problem was letting small groups of people monopolize the microphone. It was not right. It would be like me singing, my mom singing, me and my mom singing, my mom and another friend singing, the other friend singing, me and the other friend singing, me, mom and the other friend singing. We could tie up the works for forty minutes just like you have let those girls do all night, but we haven't.
• She didn't like what I said, but she admitted that it was a mistake and wouldn't be happening again.
• Now, would it not be happening again because I said something, or would it not be happening again, period?
• I got a nasty comment from the guy running the machine about being impatient to sing when he called me up.
• That tells me that even though the woman was very gracious to me, and admitted that I was right, she didn't relay it back that way to her partner.
• Most people just leave and don't come back if they don't like something. My mom said that if she finds out that our regular karaoke guy isn't going to be there, we will rethink going there in the future. And that was after I said something.
• People don't like confrontation. I didn't like it when I was married. My ex made it so uncomfortable that I eventually stopped speaking out about what I did and didn't like. What is and isn't acceptable.
• I am not doing that anymore. It is unacceptable to hog the microphone at a karaoke joint. I will tell you nicely. You can make one jab at me, but not two. And if it keeps happening I won't come back.
• I guarantee you this: for every one person who tells how it is, there are twenty who are thinking it and just not coming back. Be grateful for that person who speaks out.
• And if you are someone who is afraid to speak out, try it. It feels so good. It if is your truth, then it isn't wrong to say it. It is never wrong to speak honestly and from your heart.
• Trust me on this: the worst thing in the world is losing the ability to speak your own truth.
• The first Marshall Mathers song I listened to was Not Afraid. It was what hooked me on Eminem. The song is about not being afraid to do what you need to do, speak your truth, be yourself.
• Before you say that you hate rap or hip hop, know what you are talking about. I thought that I hated it, too. I hated it BEFORE I listened to it. It is dangerous to make those kind of calls. And it is also dangerous to hate an entire genre of music, because you never know when a specific piece of music will jump out and hit you where you live. Just sayin'.
• My mom has been watching OWN (the Oprah Winfrey Network) and loving it. Apparently, there was something on there about the new Oreo cookie. It is a regular Oreo covered in chocolate.
• I couldn't quite follow if it was on one of the shows or if it was a commercial... Anyway, the entire family sans the mom are sitting around the table eating these cookies and talking in Martian about them. (In other words, my mom had no idea what they were saying.)
• Then the mom came in and she tried one and my mom tried repeating what she said. She kept at it until I figured it out. That was when I realized that the kids and hubs are talking in modern day slang. I hated to break the news to mom that the family were not taken over by aliens.
• What was the giveaway phrase, you ask?
• Shut the back door!

photo found at www.weheartit.com

Feel The Love Bullet Style

Today is supposed to be Inspirational Music post Sunday. Or something like that. Honestly, with the Grammy Awards tonight, I am totally jazzed about music. However, I am exhausted and kinda migrainey. I really don't have a music post in me. So, I was thinking about a Bullet Point post instead. It might help me stay focused, since we all know I have a tendency to wander around. And you all get the junk. Good deal, right? Besides, I haven't done one of these in a while and they are fun.

*Turns out that while my ex was out of town a couple of weeks ago, the kids' bio mom sent H-Girl a text on Yahoo Instant Messenger. Apparently, H-Girl has had enough of bio-mom's not calling on birthdays, Christmas, and all that for the last ten years that one text wasn't going to be enough to mend the fence with her. And she let her have it.
*Bio-mom copied this instant message conversation and emailed it to my ex because she couldn't believe that H-Girl would actually say that she didn't want to talk to her.
*H-Girl confirmed that it was her and she didn't want to talk to her.
*Now, C-Man is bending over backwards to make up for H-Girl's lack and bio-mom is using it. Apparently, she is NOW calling C-Man all of the time hoping that this will somehow make a difference with H-Girl.
*It isn't working.
*However, H-Girl did have her belated birthday bowling party yesterday. That was interesting. When I arrived there were only two other people there. One was a cousin of H-Girl's that I knew and one was a woman and little girl that I did not.
*Turns out that the woman was someone my ex dated over the summer and is friends with his sister. Apparently, she is maintaining a relationship with the kids.
*She sure knew who I was.
*She went on and on about how she was going to pick up H-Girl after school one day so that they could have some girl time. She had called to see what she wanted and it was a comforter for her bed. Now they could get it together. Wasn't that wonderful? I wanted to puke.
*This doesn't make me a wretched person, does it?
*I tried to buy H-Girl said comforter for Christmas, but she kept spending her Christmas money on other stuff until it was all gone. Each time she bought something, I kept saying, "You won't be able to buy the comforter if you buy that." Each time she said, "But I want this MORE." And there you go.
*So, H-Girl arrives and sees the aforementioned ex-girlfriend sitting there with her toddler and walks over to her. The ex pulls H-Girl in close and tells her this plan of taking her shopping for the comforter. Her back is to me but I can see her nodding and can only assume she is happy with this gift. Again, I am feeling pukey. And somewhat guilt-ridden for feeling pukey, because this is a nice thing after all.
*Then, H-Girl turns around, sees me, and her face lights up like a Christmas tree. BEST GIFT EVER. She did not light up when seeing Miss Comforter Giver. Score One for Mom. Finally.
*H-Girl runs over and actually gives me HUGE hug.
*C-Man waves from the counter area and says, "Hi Mommy." Okay, this was less than stellar, but you can't win them all.
*I did mention to the ex that perhaps now that H-Girl was releasing all of her vindictiveness on to bio mom she might actually be nicer to all of the other women in her life who love her.
*Ex said he never thought of that.
*Hmmmmm.
*I had lovely conversations with the ex's aunt and his father. His dad is a really nice man. He actually is a supervisor at the water department (maintenance) and when I sold maintenance stuff I worked with some of the foreman who worked for him. So, I have known him for quite a while. Like I said, super guy.
*H-Girl won her bowling game.
*The ex won his.
*C-Man came in second place on his team.
*And I got H-Girl a book that is the second in a series. I got her the first one for Christmas.
*People, she was actually excited about it. I kid you not. I quote, "Is this the second one after the one got me for Christmas?"
*I didn't think it was possible, but I think I might have found the reader in that kid.
*I almost cried.
*Meanwhile, I brought a friend of mine with me to this thing and my ex was talking his ear off the WHOLE TIME during cake and presents.
*He was about ready to cry, too.
*By the time we were ready to leave, C-Man was full of hugs and "love yous." H-Girl was still loving mom. She was thrilled that I had watched her bowl her game. So, I was good for several hugs, lots of love yous, and she was even excited about a sleepover.
*Magic is alive.
*I asked my friend when we got in his truck what my ex had to say and he said, "I really couldn't tell you, but he is full of more bs than anyone I have ever met."
*That sounds about right.
*It was exhausting being married to the man, but that is another blog, which I probably won't write.
*It was then pizza and karaoke.
*It took over an hour for our food to arrive. That has never happened before. I was seriously hungry.
*I totally rocked Elton John's Empty Garden (Hey Hey Johnny).
*I was so tired when I got home that I didn't even have time for my usual insomnia. Can you believe that?
*I spent most of today lying around feeling exhausted, but not sleeping. And migrainey.
*Yah, today is much more typical of my regular life.
*Oh, and thinking about Marshall Mathers and the Grammys.
*He is up for 10 Awards. I hope you guys are cheering him on.
*I hope he wears something nice. No sweatpants or athletic pants at the Grammys.
*And a smile would be nice.
*Just sayin'.


image found at www.weheartit.com