Biting The Bullet

I used to post bullet point blogs frequently. When my brain felt jumbled that seemed the logical way to sort it all out. I haven't written one in a while. Am I less jumbled? Well, not today. So, here we go...

• My mom bought some Red, White, and Blue decorations for Memorial Day. They will probably hang until July 4, but that is A-Okay. We are NOT big decorators here, so I am talking about a plaque for the door and a wind sock, just in case you were picturing yard decorations and lights.
• At dinner over a week ago, right after mom put the wind sock up, she said to me, "When I came home the wind sock was hanging off the roof, like it was holding on by its fingernails." That struck me as very funny. As in ironic funny. Do you ever have moments, hours, days, months when you feel like the entire country (maybe the world) is holding on by its fingernails?

• That night I took the photograph above and then pulled the wind sock down.

• It clung to the gutter. A bit of water caught its legs. As I yanked it down it occurred to me that maybe that is all it takes... people with initiative giving a good yank.
• Last week, Jasmine's What If Wednesday question was this: What is your wildest dream? I wrote an extremely lengthy comment only to arrive at the conclusion that I have discarded my wildest dreams as I have journeyed through this migraine-filled existence. Perhaps the thing now holding me back from complete recovery is the lack of a dream. If you have nothing to reach for, aspire to, aim at... what are you?
• I think I wrote here before that we can live more easily without hope than purpose. Purpose will keep us moving forward even when hope is gone. Or hanging by its fingernails.
• Writing my novel gave me purpose. 
• Revisions plague me.
• The thought crept in (and continues to linger) that I am just not good enough of a writer to keep working at this project. What is the point? I read recently at Writer Unboxed that the writers who succeed aren't necessarily the most talented. They are the ones that don't give up. They get better by continuing to write and rework their story until it is good.
• Is writing my wildest dream?
• For years, my wildest dream was, after I found my way back to health, helping people who fell through the floor. I envisioned a website, houses, and creating an organization that didn't just offer a hand out but a help up. 
• The problem? People with chronic pain and no tissue disorder suffer from emotional pain. 20% of the afflicted accept that diagnosis and get better. 80% insist on a surgery, pill, or Anything Else. 
• The truth is that people don't want to clean out their emotional garbage. It is stinky and painful and HURTS to root around in that particular trash bin. Plus, it *seems* incomprehensible that broken relationships and/or emotional pain of any kind could result in very real physical pain.
• On my HERE'S TO YOU post, Stephen T. McCarthy wrote in the comments that God spoke to him via his Inner Voice that morning. I know just what he was saying because that has happened to me. Back in 2008 God spoke to me one morning and told me that every single thing I was going through happened for a reason. It was the catalyst that would bring me to a career that would bring me more joy than I could possibly imagine. So, I needed to start meeting this journey with acceptance, rather than resistance.
• I have been so-so with the acceptance vs. resistance concept. But, I BELIEVED that God had a Purpose for me. One that would bring me joy beyond my imaginings. Not long after My Idea (sound byted above) began to form.
• Since Jasmine's blog and Stephen's comment I have been thinking a lot about my wildest dream and what God whispered into my ear. And I ask myself, "How can I help people who don't want to be helped?"
• The answer became obvious. I can't. But, there are 20% who will say Yes. So, I need to spend some mental energy figuring out how to help that 20%.
• And I want to spend time writing my novel. No, I don't think it is the Great Giver of Joy that God talked about, but I LIKE it. I will only improve with practice.
• .... and that all leads to less time spent blogging. I can't spend hours every single day reading blogs and still accomplish these things. But if I stop doing that, the chances of my putting together weekly HERE'S TO YOU posts dwindles into impossibility. 
• While HERE'S TO YOU gives me tremendous joy, I don't think it is what God was talking about either. And if subverting My Wildest Dream keeps me stuck in the land of migraines... this cannot be a good thing.
• For a LONG TIME blogging gave me Purpose and I am beyond thankful that I started this site and met all of you. You are blessings.
• In the name of pinpointing my Wildest Dream and my Purpose, I am not going to read daily. I will become more hit and miss with commenting. HERE'S TO YOU won't be weekly. It will be Whenever I Can Pull a Post Together. 
• However, I am not disappearing. I am just going to better manage my time.
• Like the wind sock, I was stuck. I am yanking myself down in an effort to be free and find my own flow with nature. As I write this, I see the wind lifting it and blowing through it. If a wind sock can be happy, I think mine is. It is fulfilling its Purpose.
• I want to be like the wind sock.

Are you striving to live your Wildest Dreams? Are you willing to set aside or cut back on things that you enjoy to make it happen?

The Roads That Take You Home

I have been awake for over an hour. That means I have been tossing and turning since about 7:30am, unable to go back to sleep. Now, if you only knew me, you would understand how mindblowing that is. Of course, the beginning of this wakefulness was prompted by a full-blown migraine. However, once that settled down to something to bearable, it just became my thoughts keeping me from going back to sleep.

We are still on vacation. Over the weekend we arrived in the town I grew up in and graduated high school from, blah blah blah. The last time I was here was last May for my dad's funeral. It is so strange to come back here and NOT see him. Perhaps, it is more odd to know that I never will again.

A friend of mine from high school has a twelve year old son who is undergoing chemotheraphy for a brain tumor. They are in the third and final round. The tumor is shrinking and things are looking good. His son has remained upbeat throughout the entire experience. I think that is because his parents, family, and friends have provided a positive outlook, and he has embraced it. This really makes a difference in how someone does in this sort of situation. Kids are so resilient. The brain decides whether or not you get better, so whatever you tell them, that is what happens. Voila. Anyway, he is a brave and remarkable young man and doing so well.

In many respects, kids are like dogs. I mean that in the best of ways. My dog has responded so well to losing her leg to cancer. She was in pain for a few days and struggled. However, she was walking on the first day. A few days later, she was running. She hasn't slowed down since. She wipes out sometimes; she pivots because she forgets that isn't her strong suit, but immediately picks herself up and is off to the races again. I love that about her.

Here's the thing: kids and dogs don't second guess themselves. They just go with what is. It seems like my life would be so much easier if I could learn this lesson. And I freely admit that I am trying. However, I can't seem to help myself. I like having Plan A, Plan B, Plan C, etc. And all of that leads to a lot of second, third, and fourth guessing. I just don't want to be stuck with absolutely no ideas. The thing about this philosophy is that it leads you wandering down the same mental roads hoping you find something you missed the last time you were there.

The mental road taking up all my energy these days is my Schmidt's Syndrome Diagnosis, simply because autoimmune issues are so tricky. It has me on that What If path constantly. Based on the fact that I have other autoimmune issues, I probably did mess up the doctor's blood test the last time I took it by taking the Herbal Adrenal Supplement. Hence, the low results, but the surprising result of it not being autoimmune. So, we are retaking the test in a few months. However, even the doctor has no way of knowing how much time it takes for the Herbal Supplement's effects to leave my system. So, my test could still come back a false positive. If that is the case, I actually do have Addison's Disease. We just didn't wait long enough. The thing is this: the doctor and I both truly believe this is the case. Where the doctor and I part ways is right here: The only way he "knows" to treat Addison's Disease is internal hydro cortisone for the rest of your life, while I would say go back to the Herbal Adrenal Supplement because it is a cure. It actually flipped the antibodies, making them positive. It stopped them from attacking the adrenal gland. All autoimmune means is that your body doesn't know your own body and attacks it until it kills it. And Addison's Disease is literally a death sentence. All hydro cortisone does is slow down the process.

Like every other good thing I have ever done, I found the cure by accident.

Of course, that is IF I found the cure. Unless, I never had it. Unless the antibodies are just waiting to flip on me. You see, this is why it would be better to be a dog. They don't think of this kind of junk. In that case, my death sentence is just out there waiting for me. Or it's out there waiting for me to find the cure. Either way, it sounds very exhausting. At least, at 9:00am.

At 3:00pm, on normal days, I tell myself things like the point of all this health junk is that maybe on top of MY IDEA, I am meant to find natural cures for all of these autoimmune issues for the entire endocrine system. Why? Because that is the next place they are going to take me down if they haven't already. For instance, the vascular system is part of the endocrine system. And it is constriction of the vascular system that causes migraines. And I have had a constant migraine since 2003. Doesn't it make you think that maybe someone should test those antibodies to see if they are autoimmune? Maybe that's just me. But, one website I was on said that anyone with Schmidt's should have their endocrine system checked regularly. Your antibodies can turn on you at any time. That includes antibodies for organs like your kidneys, pancreas, etc. You sort of need those things to work and don't want your antibodies to start attacking them to the death.

Writing so much about health and health issues makes me think even more about my dad. He always felt like Don Quixote tilting at the windmill. He spent the last forty years of his life trying to get anyone to listen to him that natural supplements were the way to go. Prescriptions were band-aids at best. Ironically, he barely got my attention. It was so non-stop that some went in, but most went out. I was like, "Yes, dad, I am taking my vitamins. Prescriptions are bad. And be careful of doctors. They are not trustworthy. Got it."

He was right. Each time you see a doctor, be careful. You are entrusting them with the most precious thing you have: you. If you have an ongoing problem, and the doctor continues to write a Rx, you are getting paperclips and duct tape. That would be an unacceptable fix for your car. Don't allow it to happen to your body. A symptom is a wonderful thing; it means you have a problem and you need investigate until you find the SOURCE. A Rx simply masks the problem. So, dad, I was listening more than you thought. I got it.

It makes MY IDEA even more important. It really is your idea. You just didn't know it. It's your idea on a much bigger scale. Word of mouth taken to a whole new level. I am my father's daughter after all. Not only did I get all of your crappy DNA, I got your fighting spirit. That means I might come up with Plan Zs, but I will never GIVE UP. However, I will always miss you and it will always make me sad that you won't see this come to fruition. You would have loved it. And I would have loved sharing it with you.

I'm sure we'll go by the old house this week. I always stand outside on the sidewalk and imagine doing this, but I never do.

Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

It Went Down Just Like This

I promised you with an update about *something* in my last post. I had my doctor giving so many of my crazy symptoms a name. And some promise for understanding some of my other more painful symptoms. It is like the jigsaw coming together. And I told you I had a purpose for that day. BTW, that felt really good, and reminded me that we need a purpose every day... no matter how large or small.

First of all, I know the medical speak can get confusing. And I don't want to explain something to anyone who is going to say, "Well duh." But I don't want to not explain and leave someone scratching their head, either.

So, I am going to go with the easiest possible terminology whenever possible and over explain. For those of you who have no contact with autoimmune issues. It means it is the body attacking the body. That simple and that complicated. For whatever reason, the antibodies in the body decide that specific tissue, organs, etc. are the "enemy," even though they are not, and launch an assault. You are literally being attacked from within. Not without. And, from my limited experience with this... I have a few of these suckers... the doctors have no real clue what they can do other than band-aid. They have yet to find any "cure." Do I think there is a cure? Yes. When Eastern meets Western medicine and works together, they will find a cure. Until then, not so much. (Thanks to all who have sent me ideas to check out. I am open to alternatives!)

The other thing about autoimmune diseases... if you are diagnosed with one... Be prepared. Slowly but surely, various systems start to turn. It often doesn't happen all at once. But it is the RARE individual who only has one autoimmune issue.

Last, in any health situation stress makes everything worse. For autoimmune cases, I think that stress might be the trigger that fires the gun that turns a specific set of antibodies against you. My theory.

I believe I wrote a blog about The Pain Circle I was in with my migraines back in 2006. That was when I Fell Through The Floor. I really hadn't been able to work in the better part of a year. I had been suffering with a daily migraine since 2003. I was existing on painkillers. But I financially hit the wall in 2006. That was just about the same time that my doctor eliminated everything else EXCEPT an adrenal problem.

I did this saliva test that is way more reliable than a blood test over a 24 hour period of time to measure the cortisol that my adrenal gland was producing. It also measured all of my other hormones. Basically, my adrenal gland was shot and unable to produce much of any cortisol. However, I had this horrendous migraine all of the time. You must understand this: all pain triggers a fight or flight response. The brain immediately sends a message to the adrenal gland for cortisol that IT CANNOT IGNORE even though it has nothing to give. So, it goes to the only source it has: the other hormones. It borrows from them and turns them into cortisol, fulfilling the brain's request for cortisol, but creating an imbalance. That imbalance only made my migraine WORSE. Pain triggers a fight or flight response... And that is THE PAIN CIRCLE. I had been living in that for three years by the time we figured it out.

I sold my house, quit my job, moved out of state to live with my parents, started a vitamin program, also started a 3 month internal hydro cortisone program to help my adrenal gland make cortisol, and hoped for the best. It was better. Not great. But better. The severity of my migraines lessened. Although I could never get off the pain pills. I maybe didn't take as many, but the migraine just wouldn't go away.

When we moved back here in 2009, I had a terrible allergic reaction that completely blew my recovery. Every positive step I made I lost... and then some. I can't begin to tell you how discouraging that was. The body perceives everything as stress. Allergies included. My lesson book was getting bigger. (Relationships, jobs, allergies (food and the other kind), pain, heat, smells.... how big was this list going to get???)

It became clear very quickly that I wasn't going to be able to work at all and filed for SSD. That meant that I became completely reliable on my dad to pay what bills I had. Stress. It also became clear that I was sinking his ship. Once I realized that I filed for Bankruptcy. Add Money/Bills to the List. Or maybe Bankruptcy.

With an SSD claim, you have to see your doctor and a specialist monthly to prove you're sick. But you can't work. This drags on for years. My insurance was terrible. My bills were piling up. Money continued to be Stress. Add to that... the doctors couldn't actually DO anything to get me better because that would really cost something. Uggghhh. Treading water.

Then my dad was diagnosed with cancer in Feb 2011. Stage 4. He died in May that year. Grief, Misery, Death. Add those to the List. Stressed Out.

My aunt was diagnosed with cancer in Feb this year and died week later. Death stays on the List. Stressed Out.

A couple months ago, my dog went through months of pain limping around before being diagnosed with cancer and having her leg amputated. The cancer was bad. Making the decision of how to deal with it was equally bad. Stressed Out.

I look at these as Stress Dominoes. Some were knocked over quickly and some slowly. Some have been set up as early as my childhood since I have been plagued by allergies since I was a kid. My immune system has been at war my whole life. I think my adrenal gland has been fatigued since I was a kid. It just became SERIOUSLY, CHRONICALLY fatigued starting in 2003. The migraine was the screaming symptom. And I Fell Through The Floor in 2006. I have been trying to climb out since.

Vestibular therapy for my inner ear problem alerted me to the problem that things had really gotten BAD. Funny how things work. Because I was there 2x a week, I was getting my BP taken that often. After my aunt died, it dropped. It has always been low, but it became so low that they couldn't work on me. It was regularly 75/50, 79/53, 74/52, etc. Sometimes my top number would jump into the 80s. But then my bottom number would do this: 80/60. My therapist would say, "Robin, there should be more distance between these two numbers. There is almost literally no blood moving." Or should we get lucky and my top number would be higher, but my bottom number would still be hovering around 50. No matter what, it was BAD.

I saw a cardio guy. No heart problems. He said it was probably adrenal. And that was when I saw an adrenal specialist.

Mind you, I already knew going In to see him that I was hypothyroid (under active thyroid). I had been diagnosed with that about six months ago and have been taking the thyroid medication (more or less). Honestly, I wasn't that worried about it because my blood test indicated my case was mild. So, the doctor set me up for this infusion thing. Takes blood and then infuses me with cortisol and then takes blood again for the next hour and a half over half hour intervals.

What I didn't tell the doctor was that I was taking Dr. Wilson's Herbal Adrenal Support Formula. This is something I have taken in the past off and on. I have to get it online and I usually forget to order more. So years can go by without me taking it. Yeah. I know. Anyway, when the blood pressure junk started, it occurred to me that it was probably adrenal, and not heart. I went online and ordered some more and started taking it. I was drinking it that day in my juice as they were doing the infusion. It never occurred to me that I might skew their test.

So, my doctor was very puzzled by my results. The thyroid was a disaster. My levels were off the charts bad. My antibodies were autoimmune. In other words, they are actively attacking my thyroid. Worse news, there is nothing doctors know to treat this... bah. I have my own ideas. My adrenal results shocked him. I know he was expecting those antibodies to be also autoimmune, but they were not. My levels were low, but within the normal range. Not great. And based upon my BP issues, he still thinks it is Schmidt's Syndrome. So do I.

That is when I told him about what I was taking. We went online. When he saw some of what was in it, he became convinced that it was possible that I had skewed his test and we are doing it again in a couple of months. If I am right, and I messed up his test, and my results flip: to me, that says the Herbal Adrenal Stress Formula is working. Yay! To him, I am not sure he is ready to come around. The traditional treatment is to put someone on hydro cortisone. Well, I know from talking to my doctor that it is all well and good in the short term, but not the long term. So I am really not down with that. Of course, what this means is that it would turn into Addison's Disease left untreated. But, I am not considering doing that.

I am just considering going a different way.

My original plan was to order the thyroid equivalent that Dr. Wilson's site offers and see if I can flip his test on the thyroid result. Unfortunately, right now they are out of the product. I will keep checking back. But, if that is possible, that would be *something to see*.

This doctor is a researcher. He works at a research hospital. The way to make someone research anything is to make them believe. If I can flip his test, that would be an awesome first step.

It would be one more domino falling into place. Not all dominoes are bad. It is how Big Ideas come to fruition.


found at www.weheartit.com

Circles.

Alas, I am not dead. Hence the post. I have not been feeling particularly well. Hence the lack of posts.

My aunt's death has put Death back on the front burner. I don't know if you have noticed all of the recent celebrity deaths, but Death is definitely not on a holiday. And then there have been all of the natural disasters ripping up the Midwest claiming lives and it all has been making me think about Death. Yeah, it has been a bundle of laughs here.

I don't write when I get all depressed and morose. Honestly, I think it is unattractive. And I think my perspective gets all messed up. So, my tendency is to ride it out until it makes any kind of sense to me.

Had I posted a couple of weeks ago, you would have gotten something like "even my dog doesn't love me anymore." And that is true. But, I hadn't reasoned out the whys and wherefores and it just sounds pitiful. I know I would have rolled my eyes reading something like that. So, I couldn't write it. Instead, I had to figure it out.

I think it all came together for me yesterday. Let me walk you through it.

On the way to my vestibular rehab appt. we were driving through downtown, and my mom pointed out to me a cluster of homeless people that always hang out in front of the Goodwill Store near the bridge. Different people. Both sides of the road. The location is approximate. We wondered if they slept under the bridge. It looked like rain. The bridge seemed like a good spot to get out of the rain. It occurred to me that these were likely some of the people very much in need of my Big Idea. I wondered how many, if any, were sick and homeless. They all looked defeated. I knew how they felt and I had a place to live. I honestly couldn't imagine trying to survive without an address.

When we moved back to GA, my parents set up a gate keeping the dogs out of the bedrooms. My study and bedroom are both behind the gated area. My parents have taken over the feeding of the dogs. About the only time I come out is to eat dinner. My dog, Shelby, used to sleep with me. She followed me around like the Pied Piper. Now she follows my mom around like the Pied Piper unless my stepdad is dealing with food (because he bribes them). My mom says it is just a proximity issue and I need to spend more time with her. True. I am figuring out ways around that.

As I was lying in bed last night, I couldn't help but think of funerals and then those homeless people and then myself. Circles. Circles. Circles. And the line from The Beatles song The End. "And in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make." Well, I have to be perfectly honest. It started out as a pity party. I felt very sorry for myself and all of the people I had lost who were already on The Other Side. And then I felt very sorry for myself that my world of real friends and loved ones just kept getting smaller. Yes, I was thinking about my funeral and how few attendees there would be. And the kicker: most of them would be there to support my mother. Yes, I was really feeling sorry for myself. The pity party was in full swing.

And that was when Revelation struck. That is what Illness does. It shrinks your world. It weakens your battery so that it is always running on LOW and you only have very little to give. It requires that you focus all of your energy on getting well, staying alive, trying to get better, and giving what kindness you have to the care provider who is helping you (if you have any sense at all). It doesn't give you much to work with in terms of giving. It isolates. And it makes you feel horribly alone. And unloved. It is excellent for that. One of the worst things disease does is makes a person feel unloved. Of course, it is a product of the wheel turning round and round. The person does it to themselves because they only have so much to give and they just stop reaching out. They don't have it in them anymore. And one day they are alone. Homeless. Standing under a bridge or in front of a Goodwill Store.

Whenever I have these Horrible, Down In The Gutter, Somebody Please Shoot Me Already periods, I know it is for a reason. I need to see a bigger picture. If I am going to build houses for sick, homeless people, I need to know what they are feeling. I need to know what they are going through. Yeah, they are sick. They have been undiagnosed. They are frustrated. Most importantly.... I need to know their hopelessness. Today I needed to know that they feel Unloved. They used to have a life. However, their battery kept getting lower and lower, so they did what they had to do. They stayed alive. But they lost everyone. And one day they woke up alone. And now they are looking back and wondering, "How in the world did that happen? I used to have friends. Family. But I bet no one will even come to my funeral. I have become someone that no one cares about. I am just another homeless person."

Healing a person is more than just about figuring out what went wrong with a medical diagnosis. Yes, it is imperative to heal their body. But, that is no good if there is no understanding of how they are feeling. My goal is to give them their life back... just as good or better than it was.

So... another part of this journey is getting MY life back. Figuring out how to do it. It is obviously another part of the program. You aren't well until you get your life back. And incorporating those steps has to be a part of your recovery as you are ready to make them. As your battery gains life, that has to be part of your "program." It will feel strange. Some people will be out of the social loop for a few years. Some for many years. It will simply depend on how long they have been sick. I imagine the longer they have been sick and their battery has been "low," the more difficult it will be. Interestingly enough, perhaps the better it will feel.


image found on facebook.com

What Do You See?

I just read Chris's post It's Never Too Late to Lose Weight over at A Deliberate Life. I was pondering a comment and decided to forgo that and just write my own post. Funny how those things work. If you would like to read Chris's post, she is in My Favorite Reads (or something like that) in the sidebar to the left. It is a couple days old now, so click on her and not her most current post.

You might be wondering why I read a weight loss blog. You might not. Chris is uber-inspirational to me. I dig in there and figure out how I can apply all that weight loss stuff to life. The thing is that it isn't that hard. Sometimes it is glaringly obvious. Sometimes not so much. Sometimes, like today, it is on the tip of tongue, and I can't quite get a handle on it.

So, I am going to tell you that dream I had a while back about my dad that I promised you in the Thursday post. In my dream, I was in the middle of a large body of water with no land in sight. I had in my hands something that could save me. But the only thing that I had to activate it was a sharp implement and it was very delicate. There were two canisters and a lot of dangerous territory inside this thing. I heard a voice tell me that if the sharp implement punctured anything other than the canisters (which were difficult to reach) I would die. So, I asked what would happen if I didn't mess with the canisters at all? And the answer was that I would die. So, I took a shot and lost. The voice, which I think was God, told me that I had punctured something other than the canisters and I would die.

I asked if I would drown. The voice said that something from the canisters was going to come out, like foam, and consume all of the air space. I would be encapsulated in it. The strange thing is this: when you KNOW you are going to die, that there is no choice, you don't get upset. At least I didn't. My first thought was that I would be with my dad again. And I said that out loud. Then I turned around and there he was. He was young again like when I was a kid.

He said, "You know we're all gonna die someday."

I laughed. He was right, after all. He then said, "It is all about what you do now. Create all you can while you can." He then paused and said, "Do you want to see what I have been working on?"

"Yes," said I with surprise.

He pulled out this piece of wood, circular in shape, one inch thickness, probably 24 square inches give or take. It was gorgeous. He had cut, sanded, stained, finished, and done the artwork on it himself. Yes, there was artwork on it. There were these delicate flowers burnt into the wood and painted all sorts of colors. And they ran around it in a vine pattern. In the middle there was a saying that I wish I could remember. But the essence was not to take yourself too seriously. Have fun with this thing called life.

How does this relate to Chris's post? Well, I am not having any fun. My head is killing me. I know that it is a head game. I know so many things but I am still spinning my wheels. I have had said to mom that I think I need to experience the frustration of the SSD system up close and personal in order to truly be empathetic to all of the people I want to help when the time comes. My experience has been that you aren't nearly as empathetic until it hits you where you live. So, I grit my teeth and barrel through, but there are days I want to just rip my head right off.

And that is the other thing I have learned. This far into the SSD game you can't change doctors. You can add doctors, but you can't change. If you have doctors that support your claim, you can't change. Even if they aren't doing what you would have them do to get you better, you can't change. You need them. I need to understand what these people are up against and the only way is to experience every rotten thing. That is how I will help change it in the future. You can't change what you don't know. If it was smooth sailing for me, I wouldn't get someone else's rocky road through the system.

For everyone who is still reading this blog, thank you. I am going to do my best to write more often. I need to write more often. My hands are giving me problems. So, we shall see. The doctors are thinking maybe RA. I just had some bloodwork done, so I don't know yet. I just know that my joints hurt. Operating the mouse isn't so bad, but typing hurts. You may be getting those shorter posts after all!


image found at www.weheartit.com

It's All A Brain Game.

Mrs. B featured my blog on her blog. She is participating in a hop. I don't have the energy for a hop. In fact, I think I need to go back to the bullet point style. I can feel my brain about to go into the crazy loop.

• Whew, such a relief. I can now just fritter around like a hamster on a wheel and it is totally cool.
• Sadly, I feel a lot like a hamster on a wheel.
• Running and getting nowhere.
• Well, I did go the library, pharmacy, and grocery store today.
• Sadly, the pharmacy said that there was an hour wait on Rxs, so I just left. I could have cried or something, but I had nothing left. So I left.
• I think I have two more pills left so it isn't a total emergency. Yet.
• I actually did go on youtube for a few minutes and look up some Ellie footage. Why don't we have a looksee? Roll that footage, blogmeister:

• If you click the bottom right it will enlarge it to fill your screen. The escape key will bring it back to normal size.
• If you didn't understand why I love Ellie so much before, I bet you have a better handle on it now. She totally goes to battle for the people she loves. I am down with that.
• I have been distracting myself with facebook and this game on there called Gardens of Time. I like it because it is a memory game. It is kind of like Where's Waldo. You have to memorize the scene and you play it over and over.
• Why is this important? With my chronic fatigue and migraines, my memory is terrible. It is actually stretching and working my memory muscle.
• Before all this went down with my dad, I started doing beginners yoga.
• I am a very odd case. Even though I have fibromyalgia (which means aching joints and muscles), I was super flexible as a child. So, I am still more flexible than average as an adult.
• So, I have a high flexibility, even though everything hurts like crazy. So, I can do yoga. It just hurts. And, I don't do some of the postures very well (aka downward dog).
• My doctor says just to do the best I can without straining.
• Right now, I am not doing at all.
• I am mentally trying to get there again.
• It is all a brain game folks. That was something that I already knew, but reading Chris's blog, A Deliberate Life, reinforced.
• Do you feel like I have I haven't really said anything? Me too.
• There are a few ideas that swirling around in my head. Mom and I listened to a portion of a book on CD on the drive. One of those ideas was "there is no stopping an idea whose time has come."
• I think about that a lot with regard to my Big Idea. I have an idea for a non-profit that I have shared on here. If you want to know more click on My Idea in the sidebar.
• He also talks about Inspiration. Inspiration coming from God. And when you are in tune with your Inspiration that is when Action happens. Things just start rolling out. There is no stopping an idea whose time has come.
• And then I think about that pastor who said that I was blessed by God.
• And hearing a voice telling me that this is what I was supposed to be doing.
• I know that I need to get past all of this grieving so that I can get inspired, so that I can get well, so that I can get into alignment with my idea.
• Because there is no stopping an idea whose time has come.

Keeping Up With Bullets (Bang)

You may or may not have noticed my lack of posting. This whole burying my dad thing has my head spinning. Kinda sorta literally. And my migraines are through the roof. And I am back to wanting to use the "F" word all of the time. I'm not. But I want to. Really really bad. And I think I am going to use the bullet post format because my head is all over the place and that way I don't have to make any sense. And that is going to be important I think.

• So, yesterday at the pharmacy when I went to pick up my Rxs, I turned the corner, and I ran smack into the card section. It was all Father's Day cards. I couldn't help it. I stopped cold and stared at them for a few seconds and then kept on walking. I teared up, but didn't cry. I consider this progress.
• I am crying now. So maybe not so much.
• My migraines have been kickass ever since my dad died. I really think I might rip my head off of my shoulders with my bare hands. Has this ever been done?
• The day of the funeral I caved and took hydrocodone. My head was KILLING ME. It didn't touch it. I mean not at all.
• The worst part was that I had to act like I felt fine. Meet and greet and thank people for coming. Several of dad's high school classmates came. That was very cool.
• Last night at karaoke several of the people from my mom's church said something first thing about my dad and how sorry they were. So, I know that the word was out about what happened. Mom missed church two Sundays in a row because of being in Ohio for the funeral.
• However, this one guy came in and was talking to her about having to put his cat down last night and how sad it was. She was sitting next to me and he kept going on about it. Then he pulled out his camera phone and showed pictures of the cat to both of us. All the while, my mom had to keep saying how sorry she was about his cat. However, he said not one word about how sorry he was that my father just died.
• My sister-in-law says that I think everything is all about me. I say this now because this story is possibly one more example that might be true.
• Am I one of those people who thinks that everything is all about them?
• For the record, I do feel sorry for this guy over the loss of his cat. I know that losing a pet is painful. I would have been somewhat more sensitive to it had he shown any sensitivity to me over the loss over losing my parent. Just sayin'.
• You might be wondering how I know my sister-in-law thinks the above. She told me at the gathering after the funeral. I'd had a couple of beers. You know, I was mixing it with my hydrocodone to try and get some relief for my miserable migraine. Anyway, she was talking with someone that I had been talking with earlier and I walked up and I thought they were talking about the same thing we were talking about before.
• I was wrong. And that something was related to me.
• And she informed me that not everything is about me, contrary to what I believe.
• At which point, I decided to be Ellie from Cougar Town. You can consult previous clips I have posted to get a better grip on the Ellie personality.
• In this case, I placed my elbow on the table with my back to her facing the other person and resumed conversation with HIM, totally ignoring her. I figure two people can be rude just as easily as one.
• She then says, "So when are you and your mom going back to Georgia?"
• I then step back from the table and say, "Okay, I'm back in." As in, if we are talking about me, I am once again interested.
• I don't recall if I answered the question or not because it was unimportant.
• I really think my life would be a sitcom if I lived anywhere near my brother and sister-in-law. Or a tragedy. Not sure which.
• I gave the minister who did the service for my dad the letters that I posted here. I also ended up telling him (in brief) about my Big Idea. After the service he leaned over and hugged me and told me I was blessed by God.
• On the one hand it kind of freaked me out. But then again, I got the idea from a voice that I think was God. That would probably freak him out. So, maybe being told by a minister that you are blessed by God is really fantastic.
• For the record, I did ask him about it (because of my degree of being freaked out) and he said that after listening to my idea he prayed about it. And he knew I was blessed by God.
• Take from that what you will.
• I didn't tell my sister-in-law about that. I already think everything is all about me. That would have sent her to to the freaking moon.
• Maybe I should change the name of my blog. What do you think? I could call it IT REALLY IS ALL ABOUT ME. Seriously, I do need to change it. There has been nothing daily about the dose.
• Did I tell you that when my dad died all of the lines went out of his face? He died at 78 and had not even one wrinkle. Complete peace.
• One last thing about my sister-in-law: I have decided that she doesn't particularly dislike me. She just has a lot on her plate and it is overflowing. Her filter is gone. Her mom's cancer is back and she is now in the same situation as my dad. Her own dad is very difficult to live with and makes her life hard. That will get worse now that her mom's cancer is back. Her mother is the only thing anchoring her dad to reality. So, pray for her. A person can only handle so much stress and this has already been a terrible year. It is only going to get worse.

For Those Who Have Heart.

First of all, I hope that no one passes out. Two blogs posts in two days. I know it is scary. Today started off rocky, but it got a bit better. I still am hovering on the line. In migraine terms, it means I feel very nauseated and things could jettison from okay to terrible at any time. Yeah, this isn't thrilling me. So, I am choosing to be okay. In that endeavor, I am embarking on a blog post. That is after having read several of YOUR blog posts. I am determined to not let this migraine take over my life again. Why? Because it is a biotch and once it gets in your head it just doesn't want to leave. Well, that would indicate that it isn't already there. I am determined to not let her crank up the volume any louder. Enough is enough. I think Barbra Streisand and Donna Summer did a song with that theme. In the 80s. Hmmmm. I might have to do some enterprising research on youtube and crank it out for Inspirational music day. There... a positive goal. And a good reason to troll youtube. Fantasmic. And we are off to the races.

I decided that it was way past time to deal with some awards. I have some others that have been on the shelf so long that I have forgotten the nitty gritty on them. Yikes. That is a good reason to handle these asap. This first one has been making the rounds. I have seen it on many of your blogs. It is the Life Is Good award. Yvonne at Writing My Life Away! honored me with it a while ago and I have been remiss in accepting it, answering the questions, and passing it along. I am going with the usual excuse: it was the migraine people. If ever there is a problem on this blog, blame the migraine.



Part one is to thank the person who gave you the award. Thank you, Yvonne. If you haven't yet checked out her blog, I encourage you to take a moment to do so. She runs the gamut from the serious to the comical. Her subject matter is pretty much her life (shocking, eh?) and covers work, dating, friends, and all the other craziness that life hands out. That is where the comical sometimes comes in. Also the sad. As I said, it is a little bit of everything, but it is always honest. And usually short. Totally unlike this long-winded blog. So, it will be a refreshing change for you! Thanks again, Yvonne, for the award! This one came with 10 questions that I have to answer. Let's get started. I will do my best to keep it short (not my long suit...).

1. If you blog anonymously, are you happy doing this? If you aren't anonymous, do you wish you started out anonymously, so that you could be anonymous now?

I am pseudo-anonymous. I know that doesn't really make sense, but some people that I actually know are aware of this blog and might or might not read it. I have purposely kept many people that I know unaware of this blog so that it could be a place where I could write freely.

2. Describe an incident that shows your inner stubborn side

When I was six or so, I strongly resisted making the bed by myself. I already knew on some level that mastery of that event would lead to a lifetime of making my own bed. I don't know how long I got away with "I can't do it" before my mother wised up and called me out. After that, the game was over. She was totally on to me. That tactic never worked again. Very smart woman, my mom.

3. What do you see when you really look at yourself in the mirror?

Dark circles under my eyes. I know that it is from the chronic pain, but that is the one thing that I really hate. Everything else I can live with well enough.

4. What is your favorite summer cold drink?

I pretty much drink water or G2 all of the time now. Every now and then I will drink a Coke. Mostly when we eat out because the water is terrible.

5. When you take time for yourself, what do you do?

Blog, read, watch TV. I keep telling myself that I am going to start yoga again. However, my willpower isn't very strong right now and my fibro pain is. Aaaccchhh.

6. Is there something that you still want to accomplish in your life?

Unless you are new to this blog, you have heard oodles about My Big Idea. It isn't going lots of places of right now, but that doesn't mean I am not thinking about it. I am always refining it in my head. I still need email addresses of everyone who reads this blog. You can give me yours by emailing me. That way I can email you my Big Idea letter the next time I send it out. I am keeping a list of email addys. I have a website to build, houses to build, lives to change. Did I mention that I am on a mission to save the world? Yep. Big Idea. And I could use your help. Email me. Seriously.

7. When you attended school, were you the class clown, the class overachiever, the shy person, or always ditching?

I was a fairly good student until the 9th grade. Then I became an excellent student. My Bs mingled with a few As became straight As. My mother was shocked at the first report card. I straightened her out. "Mom, from hereon out it goes on my permanent record." The way she tells it, she says I spoke to her in a voice like everyone should know this important information. I think I must have thought a lot of myself. LOL. From the 10th grade on, I didn't even take lunch. Yeah, I had to get a note from the parents each year to opt out, but I had too many other things going on. No time for lunch. I graduated with a 4.0 GPA from high school. And I had lots of extra curriculars. I think we can all say that I was an over achiever. Did anyone ditch in high school? Seriously???? Dang. There was too much going on! Stuff to learn to get into college. No time for ditching.


8. If you close your eyes and want to visualize a very poignant moment in your life, what would you see?

When I was little one of my favorite places to be was in my dad's lap with my icy cold feet under his legs. He never complained.

The vacations I took with my best friend Jennifer, and her family, to Kiawah Island in high school. The car ride alone was hilarious and, to this day, we crack up just talking about it. The car ride, that is.

When my first boyfriend told me he loved me. It was at night on the beach. It felt like something out of a movie. It really couldn't have been more perfect. First love is magic.

I could go on and on. Memories are cherished things.

9. Is it easy for you to share your true self in your blog, or are you more comfortable writing posts about other people and events?

I think that I tend to blather on and on about me. You guys probably know way more than you want to about the World of Robin. I pretty much don't hold anything back. Excruciatingly honest. I am not sure that everyone is comfortable with that. My followers keeps going up and down. I don't worry about it. That much honesty just isn't for everyone!

10. If you had the choice to sit down and read a book or talk on the phone, which would you do and why?

It all depends on the day. Seriously. Some days I don't feel up to either task. I don't really want to talk to people because I don't feel well. And it hurts my head to read. Other times I think that reading is important to pull me out of something if I can read. It is an excellent distraction. And any distraction is a good one. As for the phone thing, it can be wonderful. I love to laugh and whatnot. So, those phone calls are always good. That laughter is the best medicine.... I think that there is something to that. I know that I really didn't answer the question, but really how do you choose? I love both!



That was seriously very tiring. I wrote way too much. So, I am going to save the other award for tomorrow. Or the next time I blog. Now I am going to pass this one on to others deserving of the honor. Who am I kidding? If I follow your blog, you are deserving of the honor. I am going to try and remember if you have received it or not and do my best not to regift it to anyone who has already been there, done that.



JJ The Disconnected Writer


Liza at Middle Passages


Sharon at Musings of a Mercurial Woman


Kim at Saving My Life

Manzanita at Wanna Buy a Duck

Now, I can't think of a time that I haven't honored Purple Cow when I get honored. However, she retired her Australian in Athens blog and started a new one called Letters to Imaginary Friends. Well, as you can imagine it is just what it implies: letters. I gave her an award the last time I received one, and she appreciated it, but couldn't quite figure out how to work it into a letter. It was quite the dilemma. So, Purple Cow, if you can figure out how to manipulate this award into a letter, it is yours. I challenge you to do it. There. This is me throwing down the gauntlet. Let's see just how good you are... I am waiting to be impressed. And I'm not worried.

Well, that is all I have for today. Keep writing peeps so that I can come up with a decent Thursday. We can't have a sucky Thursday after a No Thursday. That would be dreadful. So write, write, write, and write some more. Now I am done.

image found at www.weheartit.com

BAGGED AND TAGGED!

Well, I have a story to tell you! I was just going along, and blogging my own business, when Mary the Food Floozie went and tagged me out. You heard me right. She went and tagged me out. Apparently, Leanne tagged her out with 19 questions, which she answered thoughtfully, and even managed to incorporate some youtube action. Normally, I am all over that. I don't know how I let this post get by me with no youtube action (I am mentally doing some head scratching right now, but trying to move past this salient point). Anyway, back to the topic at hand... she tagged me out. She answered the questions and then tagged four people to answer the same 19 questions. I was one of the four. Yep, I am one of her people. We are tight. Buds. Peeps. Pals. Sistas. Okay, I have worked that as much as I am going to for now. I might come back to it again later. Or not. So, here are the 19 questions and my educated, insightful responses.


1. if you have pets, do you see them as merely animals, or are they members of your family?

Definitely members of the family. Our dogs are getting older and I worry about it. No one can even talk about the passing of our family dog when I was growing up without a total breakdown. That involves tons of tissue and brings on a sinus headache on top of my pre-existing migraine. Yeah, people who love dogs as much as I do probably shouldn't adopt them knowing that I will probably outlive them. Probably.


2. if you can have a dream to come true, what would it be?

Well, this is going to be a reoccurring theme, I think. (I read the questions already.) My website is going to take off, which means people are going to respond like crazy to my email with doctor/medical information. When I get better I will take it to the next level and register it as a non-profit organization. Someone will offer to do a fundraiser and the dominoes will start to fall into place to kick off Phase 2: Forging Hope Houses. HGTV will agree to put it in their fall line-up and the fundraising race will be on. The race we will win, by the way. So, sometime in the next three years or so 24 houses will be coming to cities or towns near you. Assisting people in their journey from illness to wellness. Forging Hope Houses. Moving from a dream to a reality.


3. what is the one thing most hated by you?

Negativity (if I have to pick just one ~ all the other bad stuff blows off of it).


4. what would you do with a billion dollars?

I would Launch Phase 2 all by myself. I would convince HGTV to put it on the fall line-up, still fundraise, get celebrities to support it (people love their celebs), and pull approx 10 individuals or families off of the streets in 24 cities and put them in a house. 10 people who were misdiagnosed or undiagnosed to the point that they became so sick that they lost their job, their health insurance, and finally their house. You can't even apply for SSDI without an address. 10 people (some with, and some without families) will get a home. Three meals a day. A driver to get them to their medical appts. An address so that they can apply for SSDI. Their kids can go to school. Their spouse, if they have one, can apply for work. They can pay rent when their SSDI comes in (% appropriate), their dr bills, and put money back into savings, so that they can have something for a downpayment on car/home when they are well. The goal is to assist them on their journey from illness to wellness. Forging Hope House is The Assist in giving them their life back. Sick person walks in and well person walks out who can go back to work, or at least, have SSDI and be able to manage their life.


5. what helps to pull you out of a bad mood?

Laughing, singing, reading some of your blogs! Watching YouTube. I am a YouTube junkie. Oh, and MM. If you don't know what that means.... well, you haven't been reading this blog regular enough!


6. which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?

This reminds me of a blog I wrote about the "curse" I feel like I was dealt back in college. I had to choose my freshman year whether I would marry someone who I loved more or who loved me more. Either way, it was lose/lose. You loved him more than he loved you and you knew it. Or he loved you more than you loved him, and you knew it. Horrible choice. All of this after my terrible epic fail in Music Theory Class. It was one epic fail after another. Anyway, I reflected on this blog that I felt like it set up my whole life and all of my relationships. Destined to be in one relationship after another that was out of balance. And it was like I sensed it that day of my freshman year in college. Destiny weighing down on me just waiting to spite me in future years. Egads. BOTH ARE HORRIBLE. I have lived on both ends of this scale and they both SUCK MONKEY BALLS. I choose to never live this way ever again. How is that for you fate? Never again!!!!! Suck that. In other words, there is no blessing in either of those choices... if I wasn't clear enough.


7. what is your bedtime routine?

Well, I watch my soaps on weekdays on soapnet (to wind down) at least most of the time. Sometimes GH winds me up, but most of the time it winds me down. And I putz around on facebook while I am doing this. I have watched these shows for 20+ years... yeah, I am that old. So, I can multi-task and not miss anything. Every now and then something is so riveting that I have to just sit and stare, but most of the time I can do my facebook crap and and watch/listen to my soaps at the same time. Then, it is fill my water, brush teeth, pee (did you really need all of this info?), and then my nightly prayers. Then, I lie there. Sometimes I sleep. Usually I lie in bed and listen to my migraine until about 1am before I drift off. I think I have covered everything.


8. if you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your partner?

Currently in a relationship....hahahahahaha


9. if you could watch a creative person in the act of the creative process, who would it be?

I am trying to come up with something you'd believe, but you all know it is Marshall Mathers. After he pulled out his box of notepads on 60 Minutes, I am now riveted by how he takes an idea and runs with it. Does it start with a word? A phrase? Does he pull it off one of those notepads or it is something that just leaps into his mind? Does he pull the whole thing together in like 30 minutes or is it something that torments him for days? I know that sometimes an idea will grab hold of me and practically write itself. It comes out fast and furious. And, other times, it is like scraping the bottom of a very empty barrel. Painful. I suspect it is a mixture of both. Yeah, I admit I would love to be a fly on that wall. Well, not really a fly. Flies are gross. You know what I mean.


10. what kinds of books do you read?

Here lately I haven't been reading much of anything. The last books I read were some YA books I bought for H-girl. I vetted them to see if she might like them. I liked them, but that means nada. Normally, I read women's fiction. I will also read stuff on non-traditional health (shocking, I know). But, I also like James Patterson, particularly the Alex Cross series. And I have already gone on about how awesome Janet Evanovich is, so I won't bore you anymore with that. I am a recent Charlaine Harris fan. I was gobbling up the Sookie Stackhouse series until I realized I would hit the end in a couple of books, so I quit. I wanted to have something to savor. So, I haven't been doing much reading lately... except for you folks. Oh, yeah, and I keep reading Peter Drucker's book on managing a non-profit over and over and over again. Can we say obsessed?


11. how would you see yourself in ten years time?

Managing a very successful non-profit organization.


12. what’s your fear?

That I will allow my fear to cloud my judgement. Anything is possible, so long as you know that it is possible. It is when you stop knowing it that it stops being possible.


13. would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to visit outer space?

I don't give a rat's butt about outer space. I have a mission on this planet.


14. would you rather be single and rich or married, but poor?

Money is irrelevant. People, I am on a mission to save the freaking world.


15. what’s the first thing you do when you wake up?

Well, before I can save the freaking world, I take my pain medication for my killer migraines. And then I claw my way to the bathroom.


16. if you could change one thing about your spouse/partner what would it be?

Magic wand. Appear.


17. if you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be?

My name means "of shining fame." I can live with that.


18. would you forgive and forget no matter how horrible a thing that special someone has done?

I have tried to do that. Learned that I don't have that superpower.


19. if you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be?

My friend, Mary, is pretty smart. She went with salad, so that she could go with all kinds of salad. Chicken salad, tuna salad, etc. I think I am going to be a copycat and go with that, too. I couldn't live on just ONE thing for six months. Seriously. One thing? I am already down to a size 4 peeps. You put me on one food item and I might just die. And I can't die now. I have BIG PLANS and I am not going out because I was so stupid I only ate one thing for six months. So, there you go!


Now, I have to pick four people to tag out. I am basing this decision on a couple of factors. I know that some of you just don't "do" these sorts of things. So, not getting tagged doesn't mean I don't love you. It just means I know you. And some of you need some love right now, and that is what this is ~ some tagging love. And there are others of you who I think will provide very funny answers to these questions. You can decide where you fall in my decision-making process. In any event, I look forward to reading your answers to these questions. You have been tagged...

Carol the Gardener

That One Girl at What Was I Saying Again?

JJ The Disconnected Writer

Purple Cow at Letters to Imaginary Friends (to get your new blog going!)

To make this easier, here are the 19 questions for you:

1. if you have pets, do you see them as merely animals, or are they members of your family?
2. if you can have a dream to come true, what would it be?
3. what is the one thing most hated by you?
4. what would you do with a billion dollars?
5. what helps to pull you out of a bad mood?
6. which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
7. what is your bedtime routine?
8. if you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your partner?
9. if you could watch a creative person in the act of the creative process, who would it be?
10. what kinds of books do you read?
11. how would you see yourself in ten years time?
12. what’s your fear?
13. would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to visit outer space?
14. would you rather be single and rich or married, but poor?
15. what’s the first thing you do when you wake up?
16. if you could change one thing about your spouse/partner what would it be?
17. if you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be?
18. would you forgive and forget no matter how horrible a thing that special someone has done?
19. if you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be?


image found at www.weheartit.com

I'm calling a time out.

Do you ever pray for patience? Me either. I quit that in junior high school. I learned that if you started praying for patience, you suddenly started getting your patience tested at every turn.

Have you ever railed at God? I mean seriously told God off? Kind of like "we are breaking up because I am sick of you letting me down." These conversations can happen silently with a lot of fist raising. Or loudly with a lot fist raising. There might or might not be crying involved. You might be so broken that you are on your knees and aren't able to raise anything, but you are silently letting God have it. You and God are done. Kaput. Calling it quits.

Every now and then I will have these sorts of conversations with people, and most folks admit to having a break with God. At some point, they reached a place in their lives and they gave God what-for, so to speak. I suppose you could call it a crisis of faith. I am always surprised when someone says that they have never been there. Unless they don't believe in God at all. But that is a whole different story. That always makes me think one of several things...

1) They are lying. They have totally been there, but they think it makes them look weak or like lesser Christians to have had such a conversation with God. If I think this is the case, I somehow like this person a little less after this conversation. This always makes me sad.

2) They are totally in denial. In fact, they might be still having this conversation with God even now. I feel compassion for this person. They need to let this out and feel it.

3) Uh oh. I don't want to be the one to tell this person that they somewhere in their future, when they least expect it, they are going to get sucker punched in their solar plexus. That will be followed up with an upper cut to their jaw. And before they can process that, someone is going kick them from behind, and they are going to hit the ground so hard that they won't be able to breathe.

You see, no one is exempt from the hits that life hands out. Life hits hard. And if you haven't been hit. It is just a matter of time. And that verse in Philippians about God not giving you more than you can handle (4:13) is really comforting when you're not the one lying on the floor unable to draw a breath. It is awesome when you are the one holding the Bible trying to comfort a friend. However, when you are the one who can't breathe or move, all you want to do is punch the person who is reading it to you. That is, if you could lift your hand off the ground. However, if all of your muscles have become rubbery, elastic, and you can't feel your extremities, so that isn't possible, it makes you pissed. And you don't want to hear about God. In fact, right now you are really pissed at God. And that is when the breaking up with God that I referred to earlier kicks in. When you are lying on the floor, mad as all get-out. For the record, there usually isn't a Bible-toting friend around quoting verse. You are alone. Alone and angry.

I've said it before, but I will say it again. This whole Big Idea thing was not my idea. God put this idea into my head and has been filling in all of the blanks on that paper. None of this has been my idea. Yeah, it has been coming out of my head. I am taking that to mean because God must think that I have the skills and tenacity to make it happen. So, while I was lying on the floor (metaphorically) railing at God yesterday I was angry on a whole bunch of levels. One of the biggest was that I didn't see it coming. This whole idea was not mine, so I had an expectation of it running smoothly since someone bigger than lil ol me was at the helm. I also was really looking forward to getting my life back.

After my meltdown yesterday I thought a lot about Job. Almost enough to get out my Bible and read the story again to get the details. But I think I remember it well enough for my purposes. Job lost everything at least once. His whole family. His property. Maybe a second family. Eventually, his faith was rewarded and he didn't lose everything in the end. The story is about having faith and pushing forward even when you lose everything. Over and over. I don't remember if it says that Job dropped to his knees and railed at God. He probably did. That is a very human reaction to a terrible situation. But, then he got back up and remained a man of faith.

Faith doesn't mean anything in good times. Anyone can have faith in anything in good times. Faith in yourself. Faith in God. Faith in whatever. So long as it is going well. Having faith in something, in anything, is having faith in bad times. So there really is no faith without a crisis of faith. You can't say that you have faith until you take that punch to the solar plexus and land facedown on the pavement. You can rail at God all you want. You can break up and call God names. That is fine. So long as you recognize that God wasn't the one that sucker punched you. That was life. Then you go back to being in it together to win it and pull yourself off the pavement. You can't just lie there forever.


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Are Ya'll Ready For This?

Yesterday I had my "mental" appt. There were plenty of reasons to get anxious about the appt itself. My parents are out of town. That alone is cause for a meltdown. A friend of mine drove in to drive me to the appt since my parents were gone, and my aunt and uncle had a dental appt. Life is nuts. Yeah, I just wrote that. I am talking about crazy doctors and I said that. Anyway, I talked to one of you about this appt and it really helped (you know who you are). I took your advice and went in there and was me. That meant I only melted down in crying jags three times. I suppose that means the appt went well. You said to be honest and tell them how I feel when they asked the questions. Well, when they start asking about my pain, quality of life, and other stuff like that... I feel pretty good that I only broke down three times in retrospect. It helped that the main person asking the questions is a migraine sufferer. No one understands migraine pain like another person who has migraine pain. Her parting words to me were that I should be on SSDI with the severity of my migraines and bonanza of other problems. She also encouraged me to not give up if they deny me on this first rodeo. So, it was as good a first appt as I was gonna get. I prayed that God let the doctors see my situation as it really was and I feel like that happened. I can't ask for any more than that.

My appt with the regular doctor is after my parents get back in December. I will let you know how that one goes when it happens. I am going to do my best not to worry about it and pray the same way about it. I just want the doctors to see this whole mess as it really is. I don't want a hand out. I want some help up. And, eventually, I want to clean house. But it is all one day at a time.

Speaking of house cleaning... I spent some quality time with customer service on the phone. That would be the hosting service for my website. The fellow understood how ill-equipped I was to fix this problem, so he put up a page indicating my page was Under Construction. It also has my new email address on it. Now, I just need to find someone interested in my project and my site to design it. I am actively praying about that starting now. This thing needs to be a database with code to run a zip code search. That will likely be the most difficult part of the whole deal. The rest of it is just the pretty. There will be other pages that I will want to look nice. There will need to be links and all that jazz. But, the database deal is probably the toughest thing because it is specific and that code for the zip code thing is specific. Of course, lots of sites have it, so it isn't a big mystery; it is just specific. Yeah, if I use that word one more time, even I will puke. Done with it.

Anyway, there is a lot to be thankful for here, in spite of this mind splitting migraine that just won't get lost. Yeah, it is still lingering like a stalker boyfriend. Speaking of which, remember Flash? Well, check this! I don't think I ever gave you guys the full scoop on Flash. If you're confused right now, he is the last boyfriend... the cheater and the one who stole my medication. He was really bad news. I could get into even more bad stuff that he did, but I really want to move along in this story. Anyway, after I broke things off with him, and he swore he would never date again, because I was his one true love, he met someone inside of a week, and there were kissing pictures on his myspace inside of ten days. Yeah, some people move on faster than they think they will. Besides that, he was a cheater, he probably had a little something something going on the side already anyway. Moving on...

He convinced THAT GIRL to marry him. I about fell out when I saw that come through on his announcements on myspace. That happened (also) very fast. I suppose he wanted to seal the deal quick. You know, before she figured out who he REALLY was. You stick with someone long enough and you're bound to see beyond the flash and dazzle and all that. All that glitters isn't gold. This guy glittered. Man he knew how to put the shine on... I do remember it well. *sigh* Underneath all that shine is a big ole pile of crap.

Anyway, I logged into myspace a couple of days ago after not going there in forever, and saw that there was a message from Flash. Honestly, I was shocked. After we split, I didn't read his email. But we had been apart so long that I felt like this one was safe. Turns out that it was not from Flash at all; it was from Flash's wife. She must have sent it out to all of the women on Flash's myspace. It was a general announcement letting all of the girls know that she and Flash were through. Kaput. Getting a divorce. She was not so subtly making a grand announcement that he was back on the market. She didn't exactly say, "And let the bidding begin..." but she might as well have. It made me think of that old Shania Twain song WHOSE BED HAVE YOUR BOOTS BEEN UNDER. Oh, Flash, it looks like you did it again. Swing, batter, batter, batter, Swing, batter, batter, batter, Swing! I am just glad that I moved and he doesn't know where I live. I feel very thankful. Life is good.

This song goes out to Flash's wife. I would have told you what kind of man he was, but you wouldn't have believed me. I am sorry you had to experience that. You will know better next time. You got some painful schooling. I know. Been there. Done that. He teaches a tough curriculum.




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YOU WOULDN'T FIX YOUR CAR WITH PAPER CLIPS AND DUCT TAPE

This whole worse than usual migraine thing is seriously getting to me. For those of you in the know about migraines, stress is the biggest trigger for a migraine sufferer. For me, I have been stuck in this loop de loop with the SAME migraine since 2003. Long story for tonight. I have written about it before. Long story short is that living in a chronically stressful situation for years made it impossible to break. When I got out of the situation, I didn't have the insurance. Basically, it was just a big ole mess. So, now it is all about trying to control the stress, regulating my hormones, trying to build up my adrenal gland (which produces the stress hormone), and that is just to deal with the migraine issues. The doctors are at a loss on the fibro stuff since the medication they were using to combat that caused my hair to start falling out. I think we will start a new plan soon, but an entire "family" of drugs is off the table because it contains the same stuff as the problem drug that I am titrating off of right now. There are no guarantees the new drug will work and my CRAP insurance has capped me out on any insurance on Rx for the rest of the year, so that means if it isn't a generic drug, we are looking at a really expensive medication. Yeah, I am thrilled with the options. This is pretty much why I don't talk about my medical stuff most of the time. I know I say that, but I have been talking about it a lot lately. That is because it is taking over my life right now. So...

It occurred to me while I was watching a romantic comedy this evening that maybe I should take this blog someplace more fun. Some place stress-free and fun. And that got me to thinking. I did the 30 Day Letter Challenge. That was not stress free and fun. That was cathartic and therapeutic and emotionally very healing. I cried through the letter challenge. However, it wasn't fun.

Some of you were around for the Plastic Joy Award. Purple Cow hated the Plastic Joy Award. I am not going to do that again. She might make a voo doo doll and start sticking me with needles. However, it did get me to thinking about fictional lives that I would like jump into and out of for fun. One could perceive that as a challenge, I suppose. Or not. However, I think the key here is fun. I have read some really wonderful novels that have made me cry and were written so well, but I would NOT want to be those people. Those characters hurt my heart. We are talking literal crying through most of the book, or at least half of it. It was pain. Heartbreak. Suffering. I have plenty of that right here. I am thinking more along the lines of characters that I would like TO BE. For various reasons. So, I am thinking that maybe even Purple Cow can get on board with this one, because it isn't so much about HOT MEN (which are never a bad thing, btw), but more about what qualities jazz me up in a fictional female character.

The forums for this are endless. Movies. Books. TV. You know I will have to include youtube footage for my movie and TV characters. My fictional characters from novels will be in the written word. I suppose I will rely on the author and my interpretation of why I like what the author is doing. I probably won't do this all of the time. Because every now and then I get a wild hair going about something and feel the need to blog about it. I used to do that more regularly. Of course, my thinking was less corrupted then. By that, I mean my head wasn't freaking killing me all of the time.

Before I let this post go, I want to link to a post by Martha. She is a relatively new blogger that I have been following. She is a chronic pain sufferer. She is in the process of the 30 Day Letter Writing Challenge. If you aren't in the loop yet about my Big Idea, I really don't have the wherewith all to explain it right now, but long story short. I think that the insurance companies are dictating the quality of care that we are receiving. Because of that, doctors are overbooking their schedules to make up for the fact that they cannot make enough money to meet their bills due to the fact that insurance companies decide what is "usual and customary" and they have to "eat" the rest. So, they book 3-4 patients in a 15 minute time slot. Nurses evaluate your symptoms, doctors read your chart, and 95% of the time they have diagnosed you before they walk into the room. They have to do this in order to see all of the patients scheduled for that day. You actually only have about 4 minutes allotted to you. If your "condition" is a sinus infection, strep, or something like that, this really isn't a problem. If your condition is actually the first symptom of a bigger problem and your doctor treats the symptom and not the root, this is disastrous. Why? Because YOU MAY NEVER KNOW WHAT THE ROOT OF YOUR PROBLEM IS BECAUSE IT IS SO FAR BACK IN YOUR CHART THAT YOUR DOCTOR NEVER CONNECTS THAT FIRST INNOCUOUS PROBLEM TO THE ULTIMATE THING THAT "BREAKS" YOU.

Your body is a lot like a vehicle. One thing goes wrong. If you don't "fix" it, it will cause another part to fail. If you don't fix that, it will cause more failure until you have a HUGE PROBLEM. Doctors are too busy to treat the root. They only have time to treat the symptoms. We would never accept that treatment from our mechanic if we took our car in for repair. If our mechanic told us that he was fixing our vehicle with paperclips and duct tape, we would demand that our vehicle be taken down from his lift, returned immediately, and we would never go back. Our doctors are treating us with paperclips and duct tape and we don't know it. The insurance companies are forcing this down their (and our) throats. If you have a small problem that becomes a bigger problem and your doctor continues to treat your symptoms, you MUST change doctors. There is a ROOT problem. And that is why my website is so important. No one should live in chronic pain. No one. However, until that problem is solved, the people who are living in chronic pain shouldn't be made to suffer because of the people who abuse pain medication. This whole situation makes me so angry that I really don't know who I want to slap more. Insurance companies are first. Doctors who enable abusers are second. Abusers are third. Doctors who don't stand up are fourth. Yeah, that is a lot of smacking.

You see, I am a chronic pain sufferer. Sometimes I don't take my pain medication just because I know it is doing damage to my internal organs. Yeah, I voluntarily take the hit if I think I can stand it. I take the pain medication when I just can't take it anymore. Here's the deal with chronic pain: it wears on you. Just imagine someone beating on you all day, every day, with a hammer. Sometimes hard. Sometimes soft. But all the time. For seven years. That's my story. Seven years of being hit in the head with hammer. I don't want your pity. I just want the hammer to stop hitting me in the head. I want to finally get SSD so I get insurance so I can get the medication (as in an IV), probably repeated IVs to make it stop. Then the migraine meds might work. Then I want to go through the bloodwork to find out what all of my other funky symptoms are and start treating those. I want to be able to take migraine meds when I feel one coming on and actually have it work. After that, when I have all of my issues straightened away and my website up and running, I want to help other people stop accepting paper clips and duct tape. I want to build houses. I know that there is a better way and I am going to help people get there. We are going to turn this boat around.


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FINDING THE FIRE ~ YOU CAN THANK CHRIS FOR THIS ONE

As many of you are aware, I purchased my very own domain name a couple of weeks ago. I was so pleased with myself. It was this HUGE milestone. Finding just the right domain felt like it had taken forever. In actual fact, it had been weeks. Possibly months. But that can feel like forever when you feel ready to go and are being held back by something like just the right name. Therefore, once the right name hit me, the desire to snatch it up, was irresistible. Of course, I did it. Couldn't help myself. Ignored that voice that said, "You know nothing about setting up a website." Did it anyway. Called a friend of a friend for some info. Spoke to another friend about possibly designing a header. Both of these people were helpful; they just weren't quite as helpful as I hoped. In other words, they really didn't have time for my project.

On the bright side, I did figure out how simple tabs are on blogger. On the not-so-bright side, the fact that it was so simple and I missed it, left me feeling even more worried about this site than before. It would have made me feel better had it been more complicated. The fact that a chimp would have figured it out more quickly was not encouraging.

Be that as it may, after hearing from several "computer" people about how wonderful various hosting sites are, I decided to go with the first one. That would be the one that I heard about from the friend of the friend. He, at least, returned my calls and I knew would help me out as much as he could. So, Tuesday evening I decided that there was no more putting it off. I have excellent ideas for this site. I just have to tinker with it in order to make them a reality. Wednesday was going to be magic. If it took me all day to figure out how to move it onto that host site, well that was what I would do.

Wednesday I woke up with a bone cracking migraine that lasted all day long. Nothing would break that sucker. I never made it out of bed. I sat up, pulled up my laptop and posted briefly that I was down for the count. Obviously my big plan for moving my site onto a hosting site didn't happen. Yesterday wasn't much better. I did my HERE'S TO YOU THURSDAY and went straight back to bed. I finally caught something of a break today (hence a "real" post). So, I went back and started reading what you folks have been writing and got stopped fairly quickly when I read Chris's post at A DELIBERATE LIFE. She was talking about finding the fire (her motivation) to really step up her efforts in her weight loss goals. She has lost so much and gotten a bit too comfortable. She isn't where she wants to be, but she has gotten too comfortable.



It made me think about me and my need to find the fire with my domain site. I am not a bit comfortable. I kind of have the opposite problem. We both are treading water for different reasons. I am thinking about my site, coming up with great ideas, reading books on non-profit organizations, etc. I can't say that I am not "working" on getting this idea off of the ground, but I am not moving into that place where I am really nervous. Make that scared. Really scared. Because I have no idea what I am doing. I, too, have to find that fire and go with it. Put it on a hosting site. Well, that can't be too painful. Stick a page up indicating it is under construction and then tinker around. Eventually I am bound to backdoor my way into something that works. Sadly, that is pretty much how I roll. Pretty much every successful thing I have done on the computer has been totally by accident. I figure this site will probably be a lot like that.

If that doesn't make sense to you, it could also be compared to my driving skills. I was a sales rep who had a fairly large territory in eastern GA and western SC. Before that job, I was terrified of getting lost. It would cause massive anxiety attacks. I got lost so often on that job that I stopped getting them. It became a daily occurrence. I had to account for my time as a new sales rep and every day I had a various amount of time spent "lost." Sometimes it was several hours. My manager would call me when he got these reports. "You were lost two hours yesterday? What was up with that?" I would launch into this detailed description of where I wanted to go, where I ended up, how I tried to retrace my steps, where I then ended up, how I was late for my appointment, etc. We only had this conversation once and he no longer called. He just accepted my time spent "lost" as me truly being lost.

However, the awesome thing about being lost was that I found stuff. New accounts that I didn't know where there. Shortcuts to places as I began to recognize road names. Most importantly, north, south, east, and west stopped being something on a map, and began to actually mean something to me. You would think that should be obvious. Let me tell you: it wasn't. And driving is so much harder when you truly cannot comprehend NSEW. A whole new world opens up when you do. When something moves from theoretical to practical it changes your LIFE. And that is what being lost did for me. That... and no more anxiety attacks. Well, until I started forgetting how to get where I was going when I should know. But that is memory loss and NOT being lost. Two totally different things.



Back to this website business and finding the fire. I have spent the last few years trying to avoid stress because it causes migraines. In some ways, amping up your life, testing your limits, finding the fire is stressful. So, my natural reaction now is to step back. Move away. However, if I don't dig down just a little and find the fire to get this site on a web hosting site than I am in idle. My project is in idle. It is all well and good to have wonderful ideas. Ideas that can change the world. But, if they never leave your head they don't DO anything. They don't CHANGE anything.

Chris has lost over 100 pounds. She looks beautiful. Her head is in a good place. She can do things with her kids. She is healthy. If she decided that she was happy with her weight right now, no one could argue. Drop in on her page. Look at her. She is gorgeous. However, she has not met HER goal weight. And that is what matters. She set a goal and she intends to meet it. To do that she says that she has to find that fire she had at the beginning of her journey.

The reason that I love Chris's blog is that whatever she writes about, be it weight loss or life, is applicable to anything in my life at any time. There is always crossover value if I am open enough to see it. Right now, I need to find the fire just to get my domain name onto a host server. Then I am going to have to find the fire to keep plugging away at figuring out how to make that site do what I need it to do. I have faith in the rest of it. I have faith when I send you people the email about the need for the doctor info that you will give me what you know and will move the email along. And that email will keep moving and my inbox will be overflowing. I don't worry about that part at all. It is the website building that makes me feel faint. Paralyzed. So this finding the fire business isn't a one-time event. It is a life event. Over and over we have to dig deep and find the fire. Things happen that seem too much, too overwhelming, impossible, etc. Or maybe you know that they are possible, but you are just too tired. You have been at this for a long time and tried so many different things and none of them have worked right yet. That is when it is most important that you find the fire.

As an aside, life doesn't make this whole fire business easy. My laptop found its own sort of fire via a virus, and is currently residing with the computer fix-it people. My cursing veto went right out the window, and I made excellent use of the f-bomb in every possible context. Noun. Verb. Adverb. Adjective. I was very prolific about the whole thing. It is only going to cost me $100 that I don't really have to get it back. Yippee. So, I will have to find my fire on one of my parents' computer or wait until Monday to find it on mine.