Wednesday, August 25, 2010


We are going to step back into the present for this post. Unfortunately, it reflects my need for therapy more than it should! However, to help you understand it just a bit better I will give you just a tiny bit of background.

When I sold my house in 2006 and moved to FL, I was pretty much a bundle of nerves. The chronic pain of the migraines, combined with all of the stress, left me as one huge frayed nerve end. Thus, any time even a marginal amount of stress landed at my feet I lost it. And I mean lost it. We are talking total meltdown. It started with ranting and ending in a crying ball on the floor, couch, bed, whatever was closest. These also happened in public places because I was unable to control them. The DMV was one such place when I found out that there was an issue with my last name. Total meltdown right there. In front of everyone. When you are that far gone, you just don't care. Or maybe because you have no control over it, what is the point of caring? You can't stop it anyway.

I had one nearly every day at the house over my stuff. That lasted for about a month. Finally, I resigned myself to the fact that some of the stuff that I marked to come to FL got put in storage in GA and that was that. I could meltdown every day and it wouldn't change anything. Once I got used to the fact that I didn't know where anything was, it got easier. Then the meltdowns became restricted to more important things. Where is my debit card? Ahhhhhhh. Yeah, that kind of thing. It would have really helped had I been more organized. In time, that got better, too. How many times do you want to melt down because you misplaced something?

After the move to GA, I began melting down again when my migraines were SO bad right after we moved in. No surprise there. Ongoing chronic pain will do that. However, I had learned something after the first go-round with this and tried not to melt down over every little thing. I also tried not to meltdown in front of my mother all of the time. She always seemed to get the brunt of it in FL. They weren't directed at her; she was just the one witnessing me go off the rails and it wasn't pretty.

Yesterday was the big appointment with the bankruptcy attorney. It was the one to set everything in motion. They were taking down all of my information so that they could file it with the court. Honestly, I had not been looking forward to this all the way down the line, but I had hit a point of resignation about the whole thing. My dad could not continue to pay these bills. He didn't have the money. Everything was fine until we got to the part about my van. If I could go back in time and not buy this van, you have no idea how much I would do that. But, moving on...

The van is a 2004 and I got a loan from my uncle (via my grandma) for this vehicle. So, I was making the payments to my uncle as opposed to a bank or lending agency. This vehicle was also very upside down because it was the result of all The Operator's bad trade's throughout his lifetime (that is the long story part). In other words, I owed way more than the vehicle was worth. He would have gotten this vehicle in the divorce had I did not trust him to make the payments. Obviously, I didn't. Instead, he got my car which had no car payment, because I had paid it off. Ugh. You got some of the long story anyway. Sorry. Moving on...

Anyway, I started shedding everything I could shed a while ago. I knew that I needed to get rid of the van. I also knew it was going to be at a loss. So, my mom talked to my uncle about it. The actual value of the van is only $5,000 and I owe $15,000. Of course, that is about right. That is about how upside down my ex was... So, my mother took $10,000 out of her money to give my uncle and he said he would take the van. Well... when the subject of the van came up, the attorney said that the judge might very well decide to take the van back from my uncle, sell it, and use that money to pay my other creditors. The fact that my uncle was the lien holder on the van doesn't factor in because the van title was in my name. We had a written agreement, but because we are family, it doesn't really count. We went round about this several different ways. My mom asked several insightful questions. For instance, would my uncle get a portion of the sale from the van since he is also a creditor? No. After about five minutes of this she says something like she will have to pull another $5,000 out of her 401K to pay my uncle.

That is when I freaking lost it right there in that office. I was declaring bankruptcy because I am financially crippling my father. This is to save him from that. By declaring bankruptcy I am financially crippling my mother. She and my stepfather are hanging on by a freaking thread. They are talking about selling their house next year because they can't afford this one. They didn't anticipate all of the expenses, etc. They thought I would be working, etc.

And I went right over the edge. I've been there before. It's not a pretty place. In fact, it's dark and ugly and insanity rolls off the tongue. Your filter disappears and all of the things that hide in the closet and live under the bed come out and shriek in your ear. And you say words like "fucking" with strangers in the room like you would say "good day."

It's fucking ridiculous. It's fucking unfair. No matter what you do one of your fucking parents gets fucked. And all anyone cares about is their fucking money. And really the only solution to this whole fucking problem would be for me to swallow a whole goddamn bottle of my fucking pills so that no one would have a fucking thing to take from anyone anyone anymore. It's not like it would be any big fucking loss anyway.

Well that cleared the room of the paralegal. My mother just looked shell shocked. I am sure of it was the fact that she hadn't heard that much use of the word fuck in such a short period of time, or if she was thinking about counting my pills. Oh, I forgot about the crying. I ended my rant with lots of crying.

The paralegal comes back with the attorney who explains that they might not take my uncle's van, but they might. It depends upon the judge. So my mother says to me we should just start sending up positive stuff into the universe that the judge doesn't take the van. I am like, "Yeah, that worked so well with the key." We never did find the fucking key, for the record.


  1. WOW!!! Can't your Uncle just put the title to the van back in his name? He owns it should be in his name, then it would seem like they couldn't touch it...just thinking out loud here. (((HUGS)))

  2. There are no good solutions, it's just a matter of which entity gets screwed at any given time. The details differ, but the themes in my own life run along these lines too. Humiliation and I are pretty darn chummy, and my ex-husband's ears ring often from the curses I send out into the universe every time I get a new slap from some stupid thing he did that I now pay the price for -- both figuratively AND literally. So I have no advice, but I offer lots of empathy and sympathy and wishes for it to all to end quickly with as few dead bodies as possible ....

  3. well, at this point you are just going to have to open your hand and let it go.
    I am so sorry Robin. You feel bad, but unless you start letting go of all the guilt I don't think your migraines are going to get any better. Get the bankruptcy, fix your migraines and your mom back. That will give you something to shoot for. Guilt is a useless emotion.
    Go for stability, and even on what you have.
    hang in there. I am praying for you.

  4. I have nothing to say, dear... I would offer a warm hug... you have endured so much... *hugs*


  5. @Everyone ~ Thank you so much for the kind words and inspiring comments. The title is in my uncle's name. However, should the judge decide that it was one of my assets that could have been used to pay my creditor's it is within their rights to reclaim that asset, sell it, and use whatever money they get to pay my creditors. The pisser is that they are not taking into consideration that my uncle was the lienholder on the vehicle. I suggested to my mom today to have him copy and send the spreadsheets detailing all of the payments since the van was purchased in 2004 so that the judge will see that this was not a case of me selling the van to a family member. Period. This was the case of the lienholder taking the van back at a loss. That would make this pill a lot easier to swallow.

  6. Oh Robin, I am speechless. The whole situation just sucks. The only thing that I can think of to say is that I'm pretty sure that both the DMV and the bankruptcy attorney must be used to people flipping out because of frustration, so it's probably not the first time something like this has happened.

    How are you supposed to "do the right thing" when there does not seem to be any "right thing" you can do? I can't imagine the frustration and anger you must be struggling with.

    Big hugs sent your way Robin, wish I had some great words of wisdom to go with the hugs.

  7. Robin, you have a BIG fucking point! I agree with Ro Magnolia. I, too, would have a meltdown over this, who wouldn't!?!?!?! (Gratuitous use of the word "fuck" is perfectly acceptable in such cases, especially when talking to people of the legal profession).

    Plus I don't think you should blame yourself so much. These things happen. To all of us! Some risks pay off, others don't!

    I know a woman who was so coccooned in her husband's and father's debt that stress caused her to go blind. She is a shadow of her former self and can't even frickin see. Yes, from stress. Money is not worth it. Don't do it to yourself. Don't fight it...just go with the flow.

    And then be reborn...fresh start. clean slate!

    Don't feel guilt about others. If they didn't want to be there, trust me, they wouldn't (I say this as a mother).

    PS Most of Greece is declaring bankruptcy...maybe you should come live here. You won't feel alone.

  8. @Everyone (again) ~ part of my problem with this is also directed at my uncle. He got all of his money from the loan back except $5000. Now, he was charging me interest on this loan. Granted, it was at a lower rate than I could have gotten at a bank. I know that it is tough all over, but he is well aware of my mother's financial situation. My financial situation, etc. Should the judge take the van back, my mother would feel compelled to cough up the entire $5000. In my opinion, as her one and only brother, he should offer to go back and shave the interest off of the loan considering the circumstances. Be contest with getting his money back out of it and consider it an investment that didn't make money. I feel that it is wrong for him to make her pay the interest when he knows that she doesn't have it just so that he can PROFIT off of the investment. However, this is now between the two of them and for me to stick my nose in it would only cause friction. However, if he makes her pay the total amt. (should it come to that), I have to admit that it will piss me off. I find people to be a continual and ongoing source of disappointment. Does this ever stop?

  9. I don't think your uncle cares if he pisses you off. He may be operating on the C Vanderbilt idea, who once drove his daughter-in-law into bankruptcy as a widow to his son. If you were to get into a smoky room with him he would probably say something like "business is business". Drop the thinking about him. He is like Chase Bank. Remove the warm and fuzzy family thing about him as it does not exist.

  10. I don't think I've ever seen you swear so many times in a post! I'm so sorry, Robin. I hope you know that you're not a burden to anyone and part of what parents do is care for their children. You are also a wonderful asset to many people's lives and I hope you carry that sense of worth with you as well.

    I know very well what it feels like to have meltdowns, and it is not fun. I'm going through some stressful stuff right now and the smallest things are setting me off, and I don't have a lot of faith that asking the universe for help is gonna make much difference.

    I'm just breathing and putting one foot in front of the other. I hope you are doing okay. ::Hugs::


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