I am going to give you fair warning. I am not exactly sure where this post is going. I should probably do that on every post. Except sometimes I think it is going one place and it ends up somewhere else. No one is more surprised by that than me. Huh. I still have reading on the brain. This is not going to come as a newsflash: there are some people who are readers and some people who are not. Some people read every day; they read journals, magazines, or manuals for their job or to learn how to do something. These people are not readers. They know how to read, but they don't read for the sheer joy of reading.
I could get into the whole nature versus nurture thing on reading. Yawn. Yeah, I am excited about that prospect. Once upon a time I would have sworn that if you read to your kid they would like to read. Now, I am less certain of that. You might sway the odds somewhat, but I think nature factors in there. Plus, I really don't care. Ooooh. Yeah, I am still feeling pissy about H-Girl. She isn't a reader and I read to her plenty. C-Man loves to read. So, I am going with nature. It is kicking nurture's ass right now. Moving on....
Let's talk about me. I have always loved to read. I can't remember a time when I didn't love to read. When we moved back to Ohio, and bought the house in the suburbs of Columbus, which is where we stayed until I graduated high school, my father thought it would be lovely if we heated it with a wood burning stove. There was also a furnace installed (Thank God). The wood burning stove would have been an awesome plan if 1) My dad bought enough wood to last the winter, and 2) He fed the stove during the night and at lunchtime so that the house wasn't freezing in the morning and when we came home from school.
As it happened, the stove was placed far enough out into the living room that you could walk behind it or sit behind it. If I was home after school, you almost always could find me parked behind the wood stove, back to the wall. I started with my homework, but when that was done, I pulled out whatever book I was reading and settled in.
In college, I remember distinctly the day my sophomore year that I stumbled across Jen reading a book for pleasure. That year I was taking all core classes because I had no clue about what I was going to major in. It occurred to me that I hadn't read anything for fun in forever. She had a slew of novels. I was dumbstruck. How did she manage it? It turns out her grades weren't that great, but I didn't know that. She let me borrow one. It was bliss. It was a Sidney Sheldon. I don't even remember which one. I skipped all of my classes that day. I just read. Of course, I couldn't keep that up, but it was wonderful.
I suppose that is why I majored in English. I had no clue about a major and I had to choose something. Why did I pick it? I liked to read. That is the long and the short answer. I got to read until my eyes about popped out of my head for the next two years.
Then I went to work for a publishing house. That is the equivalent of letting an alcoholic work in a bar. Did you know that if you work for a publishing house that there is no book that you can't get for free? None. Everything is yours for the taking. It is just one phone call away. And if you are really good at working it, you can extend that to things like CDs. I never even thought of that. One of my coworkers got a box of CDs in the mail and I just gaped at him like a fool. "How did you do that?" I asked.
He looked at me like the naive pet that I am. I know that he wanted to reach over and pet me like a puppy. "I sent them books, silly girl." Ah, some people know how to work it and some people know how to work it. My admiration went up like ten notches. It must have shown because he let me have a couple of the CDs. Generosity at work. However, he didn't track me down in the future to let me know when he got shipments of CDs. I really shouldn't dwell on the past. He did take me to a Rangers game. Although, I think that is because he is an avid hockey fan and was looking to convert me. Either way. Anyway, it's all better now. Moving on...
I don't remember books departing from my life until I got married, the kids moved in, and the migraines got bad. I had lots of things working against my reading at that point. It was all I could do to hold down my job, take care of the kids, deal with my husband, and try to sleep. And then there were the ongoing migraines from hell. So, there were painkillers at regular intervals just to keep my life afloat. After the divorce, most of the time the migraines were still really bad. Of course, my best times of day were late at night. My sleep pattern was totally messed up. And I was back to living on pain pills if I wanted to go anywhere.
In the summer of 2005, I went to Florida to spend time with my parents. This was before the move. My mother had done everything but tie me to a chair to get me to read Janet Evanovich's Stephanie Plum series. I started reading. I think I read a book and a half a day, and I laughed so hard I nearly peed myself. I felt better that week than I had in a long time.
In the last few days, I have read two Stephanie Plums (15 &16) and started the Sookie Stackhouse series. I am two down on that one. I can't say my migraines are gone, but they are somewhat better. Migraines are triggered in large part by stress. Reading is stress relieving for me, so it stands to reason that it would help.
Not everyone has migraines, but everyone has stress. Take a minute right now to think about what you love to do that relieves yours. Are you doing it? In other words, are you running your schedule or is your schedule running you?
It is 6:30 and I am just starting my post. I thought about not posting at all today. Misery made a strong point about blogging every day interfering with the progress on my novel. However, I did make some headway on that yesterday. Today, I would like to blow some smoke about my time being spent on novel writing, but that would be a lie. It was actually spent on novel reading. Yep. I caved in to the lure of a novel calling my name. And it was soooo good for me. Actually, I have read more novels in the last two weeks than I have since I started my writing. I thought it would interfere with my "process," so I quit reading. I think ~ now ~ that was an idiotic decision. The best way to learn what makes a good novel is to read one. And not to read just for the pure deliciousness of the read, but mentally taking notes of why it is good. Why is it working? How is the writer achieving "goal" with the storytelling?
I swear sometimes that I think I am the most retarded person I know. That implies that I know myself in the third person or something. Whatever. There are some things that I know instinctively and other things that I seem to always discover the hard way. Or by luck. If you read Janet Evanovich's Stephanie Plum series, I find good writing ideas the way she catches her FTAs. In other words, she gets there in the end, but my God, what a horror show.
Well, I only intended to blab on for a sentence or two about what I've been doing with my waking hours these last few days. It just got away from me. Shocking, I know.
What I meant to blog about was the kids. That would be C-Man and H-Girl. For those of you not up to speed, they are not my kids. They are my ex-husband's kids. However, they are as close to kids as I will ever get, so I do try and maintain some form of contact with them. Ironically, I talked to them more when I was in Florida than I do now. I think I spent more time with them then, too. They would come down for a week at a time on holidays and during the summer, etc. Since I have been back here, I have felt so lousy that I have barely seen them. We talk some. And that is where I was going with this post....
I thought of it when I read this post. It was a truly lovely post about mothers and daughters. Of course, in this case, all mothers and daughters are grown-ups, and in that stage where you are now able to be friends.
I called the kids' cell, which is primarily H-Girls, about a week ago. C-Man answered it and we had a really nice conversation. However, this is not unusual. C-Man has not been problematic. He and I talk easily. That boggles me a bit because when they were little it was the other way around. C-Man was the one who constantly gave me grief and H-Girl was the one who wanted to spend time with me. She was the one who was no trouble. Well.... we had been talking for quite a while, when H-Girl yells from her room that C-Man needs to get off the phone, b/c he is using up her minutes. I knew that they were at my former mother-in-law's house, and I would have called on her landline, except the last time I did that I was told to call on the cell, because I was in their Top 5Faves, so I didn't use their minutes. I asked C-Man to ask H-Girl if I was in the Top 5 Faves (of course, I can hear everything).
The answer: Not anymore. I was removed to make room for one of her friends. Uggghhh. So, I told C-Man that I would call him on the landline and hung up. I did and we talked some more. I then talked to H-Girl for about 5 minutes. She couldn't think of more than 5 minutes worth of talking points before handing me back to her brother. Again....UGGGGHHH.
This was a Saturday night and they do go to church in the morning. (This is to prepare you for what is about to happen, but what has not yet happened.) C-Man asks me if I remember this dream that I had about him back when we lived in the old house. I remember it vividly. I am surprised that he remembers it at all. However, C-Man surprised me then with the things that he was paying attention to that I said (when I thought he was totally ignoring me) and continues to surprise me now.
For some of you this dream is going to have you thinking that I have lost my mind. That is okay. I think so too, some days. But not because of this dream. Others of you are going to think that... You know what? Just go with it. Open your mind to the world of possibility and the fact that we don't know it all and go with it.
Now, there is what I know to be true and what I told to C-Man. Those are two different things. Sometimes you have to go with that, too.
What I know to be true:
I was astrally projecting. We do that quite frequently when we dream. I was on The Other Side. Also known as Heaven. We go there quite often because it is Home. I was in The Hall of Records. We go there quite frequently, too, to check out our life path and the life path of people in our lives. I was looking at C-Man's lifepath in the record book. I think it must have been the first time I had done this. His lifepath was Important. Big. I read it and felt this weight of responsibility. This kid had to be okay because what he was supposed to contribute to the world was Bigger.Than.All.Of.Us. When I woke up, I couldn't remember the details. I didn't know what IT was. I remembered standing in the Hall of Records. I could see myself turning the pages. I could even see finding his name. But the actual information that came after...gone. All I had was the knowing. The certainty. The feeling that I had when I read it.
What I Told Him Then:
I don't know. I probably stuck to the basics of the dream. Left out words like astrally projecting, Other Side, Hall of Records, but kept the rest in. I probably told him at a time when I felt like he needed to hear it.
What I Told Him Sat Night:
Pretty much the same thing leaving out the same words as before. We were halfway through it when his grandma started hollering that he needed to get off the phone NOW. (He had church in the morning and he needed to take a shower and get ready for bed, etc.) Of course, he needed to hear the rest, so I told it. He got in trouble (I'm sure) for it. If it were me, I'd take a scolding to know what was underneath my name in The Book if it says that I am going to do something so important that it changes the world for the better. Yep, scold away.
It is that day again. What day is that you ask? How can you have forgotten? Drum roll please. It is HERE'S TO YOU THURSDAY, of course! The very best day of the blogging week. It is the precursor to the best day of the work week.
To recap for any newbies to this event: The best (or worst) part is that I am not going to explain why I chose "whatever" footage for each of you. If, you watch your footage and are scratching your head at the end, well that means I didn't do a very good job. However, all is not lost. You can email me at rarichards68@gmail.com and ask me what I was thinking when I chose that particular piece of footage off of youtube and connected it to you. And then I will tell you. Then I will start sending up prayers that I haven't offended the crap out of whoever is on the receiving end of that email....lol. Because, honestly, I will tell you right now... I admire all of you enormously so I really hope that doesn't happen.
Also, this is not an exclusive venture by any means. I hope that you will take the time to watch ALL of the footage because I don't pick bad footage:-) I also hope that you might check out the blog of the person I dedicated the footage to because they are pretty darn awesome. If you haven't figured this out yet... I pick the footage based on something that you've written or something that I've gleaned from your personality. Think on that for a while... If you are having trouble watching the entire video (meaning it is being cut off on one side), click on it a couple of times and it will take you straight over to youtube. If you click on the four squares at the bottom corner of the video, it will enlarge it to fill your screen. The escape key will bring it back to normal size. The back arrow will bring you back to my page. Of course, you will have to deal with this all over again: Lastly, don't forget to turn off my music player at the bottom of the page. Sorry for the inconvenience.
Now, let's get this PARTY STARTED!!!!
This one is for everyone (My understanding is that commercial is actually running in Germany on TV. Warning: You may have to watch it two times or more.):
If I had as many novel ideas as I do blog ideas, I would be bowled over right now with book ideas. As it is, my novel is "stuck" and I am getting blog ideas right and left. Does the universe feel like it is on tilt for anyone else? Ah well, you get what you get. At least I am getting an idea for something. I could be sitting here completely idea-less. That would be Bad.
What is this idea? I am so glad you asked. I am thinking of calling it Snapshot Wednesday. Or maybe Wednesday's A Moment In Time. You do realize before this is all said and done I won't have a spare day to blog about just random ole stuff. Of course, I don't have to do this every Wednesday. Well now, that feels better. Isn't it great knowing that you make the rules? As soon as I removed the restriction of having to blog about this every Wednesday, I felt tons better. Whew. However, knowing that it is always there waiting for me is a relief, too. How about that? Finally something that cuts both ways and feels good.
Right now I am restricted to the pictures I already have scanned. I am no good with my stepdad's scanner. That thing annoys the crap out of me, and I never get my picture scanned and saved, where I can find them. It really ticks me off. So... until I can get him to sit down with me, and show me again how to work that blasted machine, I have to deal with what I already have. That is not a problem for today. Unfortunately, I am recycling a photo of me that you have already seen. Them's the breaks folks.
Freshman year College
My dorm was not the traditional set up with one long hall and rooms shooting off on both sides. I lived in the only dorm on campus that embraced cluster-style living. Each cluster had its shared living area. All of the rooms sprouted off of that. There were four doubles, a room for the RA, and two triples on the end. At the far end was a shared bathroom. I lived in one of the triples.
It was winter and it was cold. I was walking back from class rethinking every choice I had made for the last year, beginning with choosing this college. It was on a lake in Michigan. I hate snow. I hate cold. I looked around. There was snow everywhere. It started snowing in October and it hadn't stopped. I blew out my breath. I could see it. It was COLD. I could barely feel my feet and they were in boots. This was the only place I had ever lived that it got colder as the day progressed. It was probable that the day be colder at noon than at 9am. WTF??? I was several classes past Music Theory and I still wanted to lie down on the sidewalk and have a good cry. This is what death feels like. Not my death, but the death of someone you love. The death of a close friend. I had been watching my friend Music die in inches for months. It was almost over. I could hear the death rattle. I just wanted to go back to my dorm, get in bed, and sleep until May.
When I get to my room, my roommates are in the middle of a lively discussion. They are happy. One of them, K, has the perfect boyfriend, is perpetually happy (not the fake kind, the real kind), and is confident and sure about her major. My other roommate, R, has a high school sweetheart, and is also confident about her lifepath. She isn't as perky as K, but they are definitely more suited to one another as roomies. I am definitely the odd one out in this group. A part of me steps outside of myself and wonders if it would be different if I knew where I was going, what I wanted, and wasn't so miserable due to my major? What if I had a boyfriend? No, I still wouldn't really fit in. I am not perky. Not even on my best day. Happy? Yes. Perky? No.
They immediately include me in their discussion. K says, "We have come up with two case scenarios and you have to pick one. The first one is this: (I close my eyes and take a deep breath and then open my eyes and let the breath out) You marry a man that you love to distraction, but he doesn't have nearly the same feelings for you. He loves you, just not to the same degree that you love him."
R picks up where K left off: "Or you marry a man who loves you to distraction, but you don't have nearly the same feelings for him. You love him, but just not nearly to the same degree."
I look at both of them like they have spent the afternoon drinking in the room, except neither of them drink. Me? Too much. Obviously, not with them. "Seriously, this is what you two have been doing?"
R: Yes, now which would you choose?
Me: I wouldn't choose either. They are terrible choices.
K: But if you had to choose one or the other, which would you choose?
Me: (Somebody shoot me dead on the spot.) If I had to choose, I would choose someone who loved me to distraction.
Just then, it was one of those moments that people say they get a cold shiver down their spine. Or maybe they say it felt like someone walked over their grave. Whatever. It was creepy. It was creepy enough that I remember this conversation and the details leading up to it. Oddly enough, I don't remember what they chose or if they chose.
All I know is that I shouldn't have chosen. Some people might say that my choosing something so silly as that didn't mean anything. Maybe not. But, words have power. It was like saying something like that out loud set something into motion.
So, what do you think about the idea in general? The story in specific? And what about the name? Also, have you ever had something like this happen? You do or say something, get a freaky feeling, and then have it actually play it out in your life in a bizarro way MANY years later?
Last week I tried something and it didn't work out very well. I am sure that has never happened to any of you. I have had a week to think about where I went wrong. I think that the whole thing went south because I used the words blog hop when it wasn't a blog hop. I wanted to use terminology that people would understand and relate to, but that was a bad idea in this case.
Here is a better example of what this was intended to be: I have a friend at work and a neighbor who are a lot a like and I think they would get along really well. I know them both, but they have never met. I want to arrange an introduction. After that, well it is up to the neighbor and the work friend to see how it goes. If they do get along, they might introduce me to some of their friends and their new friend to some of their other friends. And so on.
Here's the thing about this little party that I have thought long and hard on for a week. I don't want to hear about whether or not you are in this go-round. That didn't work. It has occurred to me that the only way that this is truly going to work is if you read this blog and you like the idea. At that time, you decide you want to PAY IT FORWARD. You make that decision whether there is anything in it for you or not. I did it last week and got NOTHING out of it in terms of personal gain. I received ABUNDANCE out of it in terms of enjoying the delight that my friends got in discovering new blogs.
I haven't made a definitive decision on how often I will do this thing. Maybe weekly, if I can. I am going to have a PAY IT FORWARD day. I will select a few bloggers and match you up with some of my friends that I think you will enjoy reading. Hopefully, that arrangement will become reciprocal. If not, I still think you will enjoy reading them. I have some blogs like that. They have a large following and I just enjoy reading them and it's all good.
What do you have to do? Nothing. You can choose to PAY IT FORWARD on your blog or not. You can do it once a week, once a month, or never. There are no rules to this thing. If I select you and give you blogs to read, do you have to give me blogs to read back? Absolutely not. It is a gift. That is what paying it forward is all about.
Let me know what you think about the blogs. I, obviously, like them all. But they might or might not be a good fit for you. I am curious to see how it all turns out. And make sure you let them know I sent you if you leave a comment. Thanks! Happy Tuesday!!!
Before we actually get to today's post, I want to just touch on a couple of things.
1) Thank you for all of the really awesome comments from everyone who commented. You know who you are. Bath, your comment accidentally got eaten by Blogger. I saw it happening and could do nothing to stop it. I also didn't get to read it. Blogger is mean sometimes. Try again, please.
2) Today, I woke up feeling so much lighter than yesterday. Apparently, this BlogTherapy actually does work if you go all the way with it. You can't just stop when you're all opened up and bleeding. I did that and I felt lousy. It was only when I kept going and figured out my patterns in my choices that it made sense. It made it possible to take my control back. That doesn't change my past, but I can let go of it now, and it will change my future. It feels amazing to drop something so heavy and painful, and to know that my future just pivoted in a new direction, because something clicked in my head. (A better direction)
3) I recently found a very cool blog, I don't remember how, but I am sure it was by accident, and I realize that I jumped into an ongoing story on this blog. So, I decided to go back to the start and figure it out. Today was day one and I am going to read a little at a time. As it turns out, the last blog I read today was on letting people go who suck your energy. I linked to it because I think it is worth taking the time to read. You can judge that for yourself.
So what am I going to blog about today? Well, I wasn't really sure until I read Simon's blog over at Constant Revision. His posting was about how as writers we need to grab the reader in the first couple pages of our novel. He illustrated that point by using a song from a Nickelback CD. You might be wondering what one has to do with the other. The song was the first song on the CD. I think it was their first CD. So, it was important. It was likely the first song someone who bought the CD was going to hear, aside from what they'd heard on the radio. It was going to say this band is kickass, or it was going to scream one-hit wonder. Nickelback is still here and that song never got radio play. So, what was this kickass song that grabbed everyone who bought the CD, and made everyone hold their breath? Well, you have to listen to it. Don't sigh at me. Just turn off my idiot box music player at the bottom of this page and roll with this blog. I would do it for you.
Physical Abuse. We all get it. We see it. No one disputes it. No one would have the nerve to say, "Well she obviously deserved it. She pissed him off. She got what was coming to her. She probably didn't cook his dinner right. She knows he likes his steak medium rare and she made it medium. That deserves a fist to the face." Furthermore, it is tough to hide physical abuse. You get too many broken bones and it shows up on x-rays at the hospital. Even if you go to different hospitals each time, the evidence is there. Physical Abuse. No.One.Argues.If.It.Is.Real.Deserved.Or.Justified. Except the one doing the abusing.
Verbal and Emotional Abuse is a totally different story. There are no scars. Bruises. Broken bones. In the end, what you have is a broken spirit. Most of the time, physical abusers start with verbal and emotional abuse until they get to the broken spirit. Once they get to that point, they know that they have you, and that is when the other abuse begins. Someone with a broken spirit isn't going to leave no matter what. And that is why people stay. If you ever wanted to know. If the question ever crossed your mind when you looked at people all beaten and bruised by a "loved" one. That's your answer.
And that is why we are here again. Verbal and emotional abuse. It's important to know what the signs are so that you know what you are looking at when you see it. *Being called names by your spouse *Using words to shame *Yelling, swearing, and screaming *Using threats to intimidate *Blaming the victim *Your feelings are dismissed If you want more information on any of these go to this site.
I wrote a blog months ago because I was watching my soap opera (yeah, I do that) and they had a storyline on there about a teenager who was being verbally abused by her boyfriend. It eventually escalated to physical abuse. It was horrifying to watch. What was even more distressing was the PSA that came on after the show went off the air. It said that ONE in THREE teenagers were being abused or knew other teens who were. My brain exploded on the spot. WTF??? I posted a blog about this and got a meh response to it. The only thing I could think of was that you dear sweet folks didn't believe the PSA. While I was scrolling for my Thursday footage recently, I put in verbal abuse, teen abuse, etc. to see what I would get. My mind boggled. The following is a 1+ minute clip that does not embed. Please take the one plus minute to watch it.
Someone said something recently that reminded me that verbal and emotional abuse in marital relationships is usually the man abusing the woman, but not always. When the abuse is verbal and emotional it can go the other way. If there are children involved it can be the mother inflicting verbal, emotional, and even physical abuse on them. It is all about breaking people down. This is a simple task with a child. They are already small, trusting, and easy prey.
You may be asking yourself,"Who is her audience for this blog?" My answer is EVERYONE. I want you to have an idea what abuse looks like, so that your internal alarm starts to go off when you see it. There is help out there for people in trouble. Websites are one click away with information on where to go, what to do, and how to start again. There are organizations in your community for exactly this sort of thing. Where will you see abuse? I have no idea. But it is out there. It is even prevalent. It might be happening to one your children's friends. One of your friends. Someone in your family. It might be happening to you.
Jen, Sue, and I are sitting in Sue's room playing three handed euchre on her bed and drinking beer. The Indigo Girls are keeping us company. Sue's boyfriend wanders around, but goes largely unnoticed. He is in the middle of one his sculpture projects. He is constantly bringing stuff he finds tossed out on the sidewalk back to the apartment to incorporate into his art. His current piece involves three old television sets and a lot of stuff I can't identify. I have no idea what he is making. I don't ask. I am on my second beer and pretty happy. It took four years of intense college study to figure out that three beers is the ideal amount of drinking for me. Any more than four involve puking in the bathroom. It took a lot of puking to figure this out. I hung with a crowd that could pound a 12 pack and still shoot pool successfully. It was a tough room back then.
This is nice. My two favorite girls. Playing cards. And drinking beer at my own speed (sloooow). And The Indigo Girls. We listen to them so much that we all knew all of the words to every song. We are toasted enough that we sing along to all of the songs. We can sing and play at the same time. We are multi-taskers. The song "Land of Canaan" just finished. That one always makes me think of MFL. Lots of emotions going on there. He is over fighting Desert Storm and I see a therapist in Brooklyn once a week. Next up is "Love's Recovery." This song is so sad. I look at the two people beside me and feel this enormous relief that this will never be my fate. Thank God.
There I am in younger days, star gazing, Painting picture perfect maps of how my life and love would be Not counting the unmarked paths of misdirection My compass, faith in love's perfection I missed ten million miles of road I should have seen Meanwhile our friends we thought were so together Left each other one by one in search of fairer weather And we sit here in our storm and drink a toast To the slim chance of love's recovery. ~Indigo Girls, Love's Recovery
October 1991, Manhattan, New York
Jen and I are walking to work. We now live in the city. Sue and her boyfriend have their own place. MFL is still in Desert Storm and I am still making my weekly trip to Queens for therapy. Jen's job and mine are fairly close together.
Me: Do you think about the future?
Her: Sure.
Me: I can't imagine you, me, and Sue not living close. I know that she is still in Queens right now and that is kinda far and a pain. But, ultimately, when we get our lives all put together, there has to be some way to work it out that we live in the same apartment building or on the same street. No further than a few blocks, right?
Her: Definitely.
Me: That's what I think, too. I want our kids to play together and be the best of friends like we all are. I just can't imagine it any other way.
Her: The same building would be best.
Me: (I smile) Definitely.
**************************** If you didn't read the post, My First Love, you probably should. The only reason to write a post like yesterday's is to figure it out. Chris calls it cleaning out your chicken coop. If you stop when it first starts to smell, then you don't learn anything. You have to keep going. Even when it smells so bad that it stings your nose hairs. In other words, you have to get down and dirty if you want to get anywhere. So, let's go....
The common denominator in all of those relationships was ME.
Now take what you learned from that blog and put it up against yesterday's blog.
I did not want to leave New York. I did not want to leave my friends. I did not want to leave my career. I spent all of my time worrying about being left by MFL. Here is where my unhealthy pattern began of subverting what I know is best for me in a relationship and doing something else out of fear. In this case, it was the fear of being left. I'd already been left so many times it was the pattern (in that relationship). He wasn't going to leave (unless he got killed) in Desert Storm. However, at Fort Stewart he had a year and half to move on. If I had stayed in New York, I would have kept my career, my friends, and if that relationship was meant to be it would have been. Either way, I would have been a stronger person, capable of standing up for what I needed in a relationship with another person.
That one choice to move to Georgia, and leave New York, changed EVERYTHING.
In terms of my friends: I wasn't around for my friend when she started seeing someone who was not good for her. If I had stayed, we wouldn't have moved. They probably wouldn't have met. However, if she'd met someone else who was the same kind of bad, I would have been there. She wouldn't have been alone. It is harder to corner someone into a verbally/emotionally abusive relationship if they have friends. I was the glue that held our little trio together (Jen, Sue, and I).
In terms of myself: Once you know your own strength you build on that pattern. You build on a pattern of good. You stop being that girl who is scared to death that anytime she really cares about someone they emotionally and/or physically leave. You get to stop being her. You start being that woman who is strong, walks away from abusive situations and/or emotional "suckers," and fulfills her potential.
The pain of every single one of those relationships has to do with leaving. Someone picks up their bags and emotionally leaves. I say someone. What I mean is someone who isn't me. Jen started doing it when she was lying to me on the phone about her life. It was a slow emotional withdrawal from our relationship. She eventually quit calling me. She left me for her abusive boyfriend. I was tired of chasing her. Sue couldn't deal with me after the death of her sister. She emotionally left. She emails now occasionally about her kid. However, our friendship is not the same. I chased her for a while (as in calling to try and reconnect), but I got tired of getting shut down. Jennifer and I actually do exchange heartfelt emails and if I asked for a phone number she would give it. It is easier for me to email her. Emotionally, she is the only instant connect who is still right here in it with me. Right Guy... he emotionally left a long time ago I think.
Now that I have it figured out, I can make a conscious choice not to chase someone down and beg him to stay. Furthermore, my attitude will reflect that of a person who is not willing to chase someone down. Something tells me that simply by adopting this change of attitude my next relationship is going to be someone who is solid, sure of himself, and doesn't feel the need to emotionally bolt at the first sign of thunder. (I bet my future friendships will be better, too:-)
I am going to attempt something that just isn't in my nature. I am going to try and be concise. I will mix that up with links to previously written blogs for those of you who want more information and songs that give you a sense of how I feel. There is nothing like a song to convey a feeling. That is why many of you get songs for your HERE'S TO YOU footage. Music speaks to my soul.
I have had five people in my life that I met and instantly felt a connection to them. It was like I knew them forever. It happened the first time when I was in the 7th grade standing outside of health class on the first day of school. Her name was Jennifer. We became best friends. Looking back on it, I think our friendship was similar to the two women in BEACHES. I was the Bette Midler character and she was the quieter, stabilizing force. I could put a Wind Beneath My Wings video on here. Pretend I did and think about the song in your head. We went to different colleges. I loved college. I didn't find out until after it was all over that she didn't. We have never lived in the same place since high school. We have kept in touch.
In college, my freshman year was an out of control roller coaster ride. I was determined to see who I would be if Let Go of who I was in high school and tried on being someone else. That is scary sh*t. Aside from majoring in music, which was completely detrimental to my spirit, that was the only thing that was familiar ~ and bad. My sophomore year turned around in a huge way. I met all three of the people who were instant connects (like Jennifer from high school) that year. Ironically, the first was another Jennifer. I guess we will call her Jen to keep her separate. The other was My First Love. You can read that story here. And the other was Sue. That connection was strong enough that I joined Sue's sorority instead of Jen's, even though I just met her through the Rush process. I just knew it was the Right Place for me to be.
After we all graduated college, Jen, Sue, and I lived together. Then Sue and her boyfriend lived on their own and Jen and I got our own place. Then MFL came back and I left NYC altogether and moved in with him. You know that story. While I was gone, Jen met a guy and decided to get married. I flew up for the wedding. The guy she was marrying was black. Okay. He was also Islamic. Less okay. He needed a greencard. Not okay. However, she assured me this was true love. It is hard to know what is what when you aren't there. After MFL and I broke up, and I was living back home, I finally started getting the real story. (We'll just call him A, because I can't spell his name.) Make that pieces of the story because she never told me the whole story. She would tell Sue and Sue would tell me. A quit his job. A told Jen to her face this she was his wife and that this other woman was his mistress (when she caught him cheating on her two months into the marriage). A went shopping every day for expensive clothes and shoes. Jen started hiding her ATM card because A was financially breaking her. A spent his nights looking for hidden ATM card while she was sleeping. When he found it, he would sneak out and withdraw the max amount out of the account. A had no intention of getting a job or giving up the mistress.
Don't forget to turn off my music player at the bottom of the page.
I wrote a blog that explains all of this very coherently and you can read it here. However, if you don't want the explanation that really explains anything, she got involved with another guy. A worse guy after A left her. A got his green card and his mistress pregnant. In my other blog I explain all of the ways this guy is worse. By this time, my relationship with MFL was over and I was living at home. I couldn't even talk to her about what was going on in my life, which was a freakin' nightmare. You can read about that here. She clearly had no clue about making good decisions. And I wasn't doing much better if you read my blog. In other words, it would be like one mental patient asking another one for advice. Really not the best way to go. Anyway, I felt like I dealt pretty well with her and her mess until she started talking about moving to Africa with him. He, too, was Islamic. I suggested that was not a good idea. She didn't listen to me. We stopped talking. Oh, and I called her parents (who knew nothing about this relationship to give them a heads up). My feeling was that so long as she was in this country she could leave. I totally didn't understand verbal/emotional abuse AT ALL. I did understand that she wasn't thinking straight.
Okay, that wasn't a song. That was a "you didn't have my back" clip. I decided it was more direct. After I made that call to her parents, I was done. I didn't have her back. I had my problems. My burdens. My weight. And I couldn't stomach what she was doing. I knew that she let A walk all over her, and I had no doubt that this guy was doing it, too. It's not like I stopped accepting Jen's calls. She stopped making them. It does run both ways. Do I wish that I had done it differently now? Yes. I was hearing about abuse. I just didn't know it. I didn't know what it looked or sounded like. I do now. I love this clip for two reasons. The song lyrics (obviously) and the superhero. I sort of have a hero complex. Everyone deserves at least one save in their lifetime. Actually, it would be really nice to get a do-over. Those are only worth anything if you can remember what you did wrong the first time, though...
Where was I? Oh yeah, not speaking to Jen and not getting that she is being verbally/emotionally abused. Also had my own bad experience with the Long con. Man that sucked. Oh, my other friend, Jennifer got married somewhere in there to a fellow named Dave. It was his second marriage and he had two boys. She had her hands full even though he wasn't the primary custodial parent. They were both in school working on graduate degrees. My mind is deserting me. You know... the upper level stuff. And they were working. Obviously, they were busy.
I moved to GA with mom and went through what I think of as the Seinfeld years in terms of my dating life. That isn't what this blog is about. Then I met and married the man who is now my ex. His kids moved in and I started to understand a lot of stuff that I didn't get before. Wait. Back up. In 1999, Sue invited me to go to Europe with her. It was this company trip she had to go on. Jen went the previous year to Australia. Yes, they were still talking. Just before I left, Jen called me on my cell. It was terrible timing. I was rushing around like a crazy person. However, it was soooo good to talk to her. Sue and I spent our two weeks abroad. Jen was still with the horrible guy. Sue gave Jen her house key so that Jen would take care of her cats. Well, that was THE dealbreaker all the way around. Again if you will refer to the blog I already wrote it explains this. You can click here. But, what happened severed their relationship permanently. And it stuck me squarely in the middle. The ball was in my court to call Jen back. If I did, I would alienate Sue. If I didn't, my relationship with Jen was likely over.
This is cranking up my migraine just thinking about it. Again, I didn't understand where Jen was living. I didn't call her. Fast forward to my own life and marriage and I completely understand where Jen is living. However, the circumstances remain the same. Then, Sue's sister (who she was never that close to) is killed in a car accident. Her vehicle was hit by a drunk driver. Sue was pregnant at the time (this is a very big deal b/c it was not easy). I don't know if she shut all of her friends out, but I know she shut me out. She said that she pretty much was only able to deal with her family and work. Period. I was okay with that. I thought that it would last for a fewmonths. It turned out to be years. I think it was six years ago. We used to talk on the phone all of the time. We have talked on the phone maybe twice since then. I guess she's still not ready. If I had known, I was going to get cut out like a bad fungus, I might have thought things through a little harder on how to handle things with Jen.
I know that video is intended more for romantic relationships. In fact, I feel that way about Right Guy whenever I hear it, too. So, it's a toss-up for me. Phoenix posted a blog about how painful it is when friendships end. It really can be more painful than the other kind. You know that a romantic relationship might go bottoms up. You expect your best friends to stick. When they don't, it's a kick in the teeth. I suppose that this might have been karmic payback. I chose one over the other. And then other dropped me and chose not to pick me back up. So there I lie.
In the middle of my horror of a marriage, Jennifer called. That would be the friend from high school. She is now out in California with Dave. She is frustrated. She is working on her PhD (I think that is as high as you can go) and working. Dave has quit the class thing. I don't know if he hit the pinnacle or just decided he was done. I think it was the latter. Anyway, he is not working at all. Or maybe part-time. Either way, it is not enough to keep their boat afloat. She is exhausted and non-confrontational. She knows the old me (before marrying my ex) who was kick ass and very confrontational when the situation required. That is why she called. She needed some kick ass infusion. Interestingly enough, I had it in abundance for other people. Just not for me. So, I gave her the pep talk that she wanted. The "you need to pull your weight in this marriage" speech. I can't remember if they had their baby yet or not. I gave her the speech that I needed to give my own husband. (Somebody shoot me.)
They were another couple who had a terrible time getting pregnant, btw. I did get the annual Christmas letter and I think it was not long after that conversation that the baby news came. The next year it was a picture of baby Jessica. The next time it was by email, and it was to find out that Dave had died of cancer. That was why he was so tired. By the time he finally saw a doctor the cancer had spread to his lymph nodes. I told her to tell him to get off his butt and get a job. Terrible advice. I should have told her to get him to the doctor tomorrow, if not sooner. If I had given her THAT advice they might have caught his cancer before it spread to his lymph nodes. That phone conversation is the last time we actually talked. It's all been email since then. I am not sure I can bear to actually talk to her. Or maybe she can't bear to actually talk to me. If so, I can't say that I blame her. Really terrible advice.
Okay, that is four of my instant connects down. That only leaves Right Guy. You can read about that crash and burnhere.
What is new on that front? Well, nothing really in terms of actual stuff. In terms of me accepting that I need to let go that there will ever be anything... well, that is where I still get hung up. I understand now all of the things that I did wrong in that relationship. I also understand that all of those things were magnified by like a 1000 for him because he is bipolar and refuses to take medication for it. If you're sitting there thinking, "Well, that probably wasn't the healthiest relationship for you in the first place." You have a point. However, it is impossible to fight an instant connect. You don't get that many in your lifetime. I've had five. What I didn't have was an understanding of the disorder. I am not sure, even now, that I fully get it. I understand it better. Anyway, I know that I need to let him go. If he finds his way back to me... he does. If he doesn't, he doesn't. Instead, I find myself listening to this song a lot and coming up with a lot of unpleasant imagery. (Thank you Bath.)
And I actually sent him this video shortly after we moved here. I am pretty sure he didn't watch it since his pattern these days is pretending I am invisible.
So, yes, I know what drowning feels like. I don't like to talk about it. The more you talk about it, the more you feel it, the more you feel it, the more other feelings like it start to build on it. Negative builds on negative. This ~ this whole relationship deal ~ friends and boyfriends are like a big sucking chest wound that I have a band-aid on. I have a bunch of gauze wrapped around that. I don't know how to fix it. So, I focus my attention on other things that I do know how to do. By doing that, I don't bleed out. I can still find the good and the pretty in lots of things. And, maybe this whole thing will work a bit like forgiveness. My desire for it to work out will be enough. When I am in harmony for that which I desire it will come to be. It has to be so. The law of attraction dictates that it is true.
I had been thinking about writing this extremely "real" blog today. Once I got on here and caught up on my own blog reading, I realized it was Blog Hop Friday. Egads. If there is anything that I have learned it is that someone new to your blog doesn't want to read anything extremely real about you on their first visit! That would have them screaming and running for their lives.
So, then I thought I could write something funny. I'm funny. I'm all kinds of funny. In fact, I had a dream last night and I was a one woman comedy act in it. I would tell you about it, but it was a strange dream. Again, I try not to freak people out on their first visit. I do know that I learned one thing from that dream. I hate my hair. I was adamant about a hair appointment that I NEEDED to make. Other things kept getting in the way and I was really snarky by the end of the dream and I was yelling things like, "But I hate my hair!" So, if there was any greater truth in that dream, I think that was it.
One of my friends left this comment on one of my recent blogs:
"Robin, at the risk of hurting you, I will tell you the truth. Sometimes you tend to ramble. Sometimes I don't know WHAT you are talking about. And then, just when I least expect it...BANG! You strike and tear out my heart.
I don't think that your blog has the best writing (sorry) objectively speaking, but it is the one I rush to read so maybe, just maybe, it does. After all, how can we judge what is good writing? Maybe it is simply what appears genuine, heartfelt and exquisitely real.
I love you.
Take care of yourself."
That is how I roll on this blog. I just ramble on and you think that I am going nowhere, and you are mildly entertained, and then *BANG* I actually come up with something that makes sense. For the record, I don't really do crafts, I am not much of a cook, I am working on a novel, I have kicka$$ migraines that tear my world apart regularly, I'm having a really tough time with my friendships, no dating life, and I am living with my parents. Never in a million years did I see my life going like this. Does it suck? Like lemons after half a bottle of tequila when you are throwing up on the bathroom floor in a bar that hasn't been cleaned in six months. (Was that metaphor too vivid? I am thinking it might have been too vivid.)
Anyway, my life right now is about doing what I can. I write when I can. I put the effort into people who are worth it. Right now, there aren't very many people in my life who are worth it. The ones who are live all the way across the country. It is just a bit far. I have a couple of friends here who are worth it, but they are busy most of the time. So, I blog and I work on my novel. And I work on me. And I spend time with my real friends when they can fit me into their crazy schedules. A big part of what I'm doing right now is working on letting things go. This is something that I have problems with, and I will give you an example:
I held on to a marriage that I should have let go of much sooner in order to save children that weren't mine. That's why I have a migraine that started in January of 2003 and hasn't stopped since. That's right. Every day since January 2003. The stress of being married and trying to save his kids was too big for me. Had I let go sooner, I think that the pain cycle of the migraine could have been put down. I didn't. I waited too long. I was determined to give his kids a solid foundation. I thought that when I left the migraines would end. I was wrong. That one choice cost me everything. Letting things go sounds easy. It's not. Sometimes knowing what to keep, how long to keep it, and when to let go are the things that can change or save your life. Sometimes both. *BANG*
It is that day again. What day is that you ask? How can you have forgotten? Drum roll please. It is HERE'S TO YOU THURSDAY, of course! The very best day of the blogging week. It is the precursor to the best day of the work week.
To recap for any newbies to this event: The best (or worst) part is that I am not going to explain why I chose "whatever" footage for each of you. If, you watch your footage and are scratching your head at the end, well that means I didn't do a very good job. However, all is not lost. You can email me at rarichards68@gmail.com and ask me what I was thinking when I chose that particular piece of footage off of youtube and connected it to you. And then I will tell you. Then I will start sending up prayers that I haven't offended the crap out of whoever is on the receiving end of that email....lol. Because, honestly, I will tell you right now... I admire all of you enormously so I really hope that doesn't happen.
Also, this is not an exclusive venture by any means. I hope that you will take the time to watch ALL of the footage because I don't pick bad footage:-) I also hope that you might check out the blog of the person I dedicated the footage to because they are pretty darn awesome. If you haven't figured this out yet... I pick the footage based on something that you've written or something that I've gleaned from your personality. Think on that for a while... If you are having trouble watching the entire video (meaning it is being cut off on one side), click on it a couple of times and it will take you straight over to youtube. If you click on the four squares at the bottom corner of the video, it will enlarge it to fill your screen. The escape key will bring it back to normal size. The back arrow will bring you back to my page. Of course, you will have to deal with this all over again: Lastly, don't forget to turn off my music player at the bottom of the page. Sorry for the inconvenience.
This is going to be another random post from me. Who knew? It won't be in the style of Misery, because I have been told that I don't do that well by more than one of you. So, it will be random in the style of me. And, really, I don't have any desire to write like anyone other than me anyway, so it's all good.
There are some bloggers on Blogger whose entire blog EVERY day is solely about evaluating products and then doing giveaways. I think that due to their large following, companies actually send them free products to review. I don't know this with certainty, but I kinda sorta think that is what is going on. It is less like a blog and more like a commercial. All of the time. A commercial with prizes. Sometimes. And those are the blogs that turned me off of the traditional blog hop. I feel a bit like Paul Harvey. Now you know the rest of the story...
After coming across these blogs, I made this mental note that I was never going to advertise giveaways on my blog. However, sometimes, I came across really good stuff on blogs that weren't all about giveaways. So.... I felt like that stuff didn't count. What is funny right now is that A LOT of the writers that I follow have decided to do book giveaways. As a reader, I can totally get down with book giveaways. They are BOOKS. Since we are all writers, we are also all readers. We like books. I already told you about Simon's book giveaways and Alexandra's book giveaway.
Well, there are now two more blogs that I am following that decided to get in on this book giveaway action. All of these people are friends with each other and I think they are trying to just outdo one another, but that is just my opinion. This is the grown-up version of "my dad is stronger than your dad." Ah writers.... you just gotta love them. So, this means that I have more giveaways to share with you. Please make sure to tell these folks that I am the one that sent you if you decide to go over to their page and follow them and horn in on this deal. I get points for that and I want to win just as much as the next person.
Who is up first? Sara McClung at Babbling Flow is giving away 7 books. She is calling this abundance the Summer Saradise 7 Arc Giveaway. You can follow the link to fill out the entry form. The contest runs from July 20-August 6.
Carol over at Carol's Prints is also giving away books. To be precise, Carol is also giving away seven books. Carol's contest ends on August 9th. You can fill out the entry form by clicking the link to her page. Once again, please mention my name at every possible phase in this contest, so that I get points as the person who sent you. I want my free books. (I just had a flashback to an 80s song...."I want my MTV".) Well, it's all the same really. Below are two of the titles that Carol is releasing from her collection. (It will be with a death grip when the time comes. I've seen the V-Log from her last book giveaway. It wasn't pretty.)
I finished Season 2 of Grey's Anatomy a couple of days ago. Haven't started Season 3 yet, but have have been thinking about all of the comments that have been made about how everyone hates season 5. I have watched the entire series enough times that I think I am right about this... but I could be wrong. Now, if you don't watch Grey's, don't stop reading. Why? Because what I am about to say is about life. I read Chris's blog every day. Some days it is all about weight loss. Period. You know what? I can find something in it every day that I can apply to my life. And I am not trying to lose weight. In other words, there are lessons everywhere if you open your eyes, mind, and heart.
So, let's look at why people liked the first three seasons. The cast remained fairly intact. 5 interns. They had a resident. Osteothoracic resident. Several attendings (real doctors). Neurosurgeon. Cardiothoracic surgeon. Neonatal surgeon. Chief of surgery. In other words, there were enough people that we got to know them a little at a time. They got to know each other. Interesting cases. Yada yada. The only odd thing is that season 2 ran right into season 3. Last day of season 2 was the same day when season 3 started. So that meant that a one year internship lasted for three seasons. I can suspend my disbelief and go with it.
Season 4 sucked for everyone because that was the year of the writer's strike. Unfortunately, it was the same year that Shonda Rimes already made some very bad calls. I don't think that there was much choice about Isiah Washington leaving the show. (Sometimes people leave our lives whether we want them to or not.) It left a big old void. She filled it with the one cardiothoracic surgeon we had already seen, Erica Hahn. That made sense. I really don't know what happened behind the scenes, but it didn't fly. (Sometimes relationships just don't work out.) The worst mistake she made in casting was assigning interns to all of the first year residents. That was way too many new people. And I can't believe that first year residents are responsible enough to handle interns. Seriously???? (We do some really stupid things in life that we wish we could take back and do over. I have to believe that Shonda looks back on Season 4 and sees that as a glaring mistake now. It became catastrophic in Season 5. When you do dumb things they can snowball on you, gain momentum and you can lose control of the whole damn thing.)
If you are thinking about this as a watcher of the show, imagine it without all of those new interns for our faves. Imagine Callie getting Chief Resident. Imagine Bailey getting the new interns (and George). That would mean she got Lexie, George, and two new interns. We could actually deal with that. They could become part of the fabric of the show. We lost Addison to Private Practice. Then, when Callie and Bailey switched jobs, imagine THAT. George would have Callie as his boss (and wife or would it be ex-wife by then?). It might have been the time in between as in during the divorce. And if they didn't assign the interns to Callie because of that, well that leaves Sidney. Remember her? She is the resident who treats everyone with Love. Our old group about lost their minds with her after one week. That would be hilarious. No matter how it would have gone down, it would have made for some excellent material. It would have kept George in the game. We didn't lose George in Season 5. It started in Season 4. It just became obvious in Season 5. If she had written it like that, he probably would still be on the show.
Shonda is having trouble with this lesson. (Do you ever have trouble with lessons that you keep getting repeats of the same sort of thing in your life again and again?) In TV Land, as in life, you can only keep up with so many people. There are only so many hours in the day. You don't have time for the whole world. You can only invest yourself in so many people, so choose those people carefully. Well, with Grey's we've already done our investing. We know who we like. She has made some additions that we also like. The characters that have integrated with our existing characters ~ those we like. The ones that haven't.... well, we don't. She added some high powered acting talent that has worked (Kevin McKidd, Kim Raver, the woman who plays Arizona whose name I can't remember right now). However, all of the residents from Mercy West... meh. There was zero point to that storyline. None of it worked. It stank so bad that she had to have a shooter come into the hospital in the season finale and kill most of those people off. (In real life, keep the people who are good for you in your life. Don't bring unnecessary drama into your life. And anyone who isn't good for you that is hanging around sucking your energy, they need to go. I am not telling you to shoot them. I am just saying that you need to learn to separate yourself from them. When it isn't working, it isn't working.)
All of that said, I have high hopes for this season on Grey's. Shonda knows how to tell good story. There have always been good story mixed in with that which isn't working. In other words, something has always been working alongside other stuff that wasn't. If it hadn't, well it would have been cancelled. Our favorites pulled their weight and then some. (So, if you have something in your life that is working and other stuff that isn't, figure out why that which is working is. And then start implement the why into the other areas of your life, and they will start to turn around. We all know how to do something right. It is taking that something and applying it to every area of our lives. Sometimes that is challenging. It is like figuring out a puzzle. And if I sound like I have it all figured out, I don't. I am just working it out in my head as I go along. I am still working on the implementation part.)
Oh, and since everyone adores the first three seasons. Here is a video I found with a song I really love. Remember to turn off the idiot box music player.
Did you find anything useful in my Grey's/Life comparision? Do you think that Shonda messed up in Season 4, which led to George being killed off in Season 5? Are you interested in book giveaways? Did you love or hate or just not care about the song on the video?
He looked at me like the naive pet that I am. I know that he wanted to reach over and pet me like a puppy. "I sent them books, silly girl." Ah, some people know how to work it and some people know how to work it. My admiration went up like ten notches. It must have shown because he let me have a couple of the CDs. Generosity at work. However, he didn't track me down in the future to let me know when he got shipments of CDs. I really shouldn't dwell on the past. He did take me to a Rangers game. Although, I think that is because he is an avid hockey fan and was looking to convert me. Either way. Anyway, it's all better now. Moving on....jpg)
