The Soundtrack of My Life, The Third P

So, we're still in Freshman year, and I promised to tell you how things went in achieving my (ridiculous) goal of The Two Ps... among other things. If you'll recall my only idea was to do the opposite of what I'd done before, which is pretty scary stuffs when you stop and think about it.

After some observation, it seemed that The Two Ps were engaging in Partying, which brings me to the Third P.

Let me clarify something before I move forward. Had you asked me during college if I thought I was "off the reservation," I would've said "NO." I really liked college and didn't want to graduate. So, perspective and perception (two more Ps) are hard at work here.

Partying, aka drinking alcoholic beverages, wasn't all bad. It just wasn't all good. It bolstered my confidence to actually (gasp) talk to boys. It turns out that wasn't so terrible. Of course, once I passed beer number four it all got dicey. (Low tolerance was definitely a bad part of this equation.) Drinking made me feel more confident (pretty and popular) and in the feeling, I guess there was a measure of truth. However, it was a band-aid on a heart wound. Remember, I warned you back when we started this thing that I would later throw anyone and anything into those holes in my heart in an attempt to fill them up. We can officially call this Attempt #1.

The other reason that partying was hard on me (aside from the aforementioned low tolerance) is that it really went against the way I was raised. On the one hand, it filled up my holes and gave me Value. On the other hand, it felt like I was cheating on God. Which, I guess I was if you hold to the idea that God should be first in your life (and I did). Making the decision that drinking filled a need that God did not altered my relationship with God for many years. Lucky for me, God remains the same even while we wander around in a daze.

"No matter where you go, there you are." ~Buckaroo Bonzai

Seems like a silly saying, doesn't it? Well, that was very much like my college experience. I wanted to be someone else, but even a fairly good actor can only maintain "someone else" for so long. For me, this manifested in a variety of ways. I had two distinct sets of friends in college. Party Friends and Not Party Friends. In this way I got to be both sides of myself. With my closest Party Friends I was both (mostly because they were very much like me in their own duality).

I also obsessed over a boy I met at a party because we sat and talked for hours and had this amazing conversation. My friends didn't understand this attraction at all because he really wasn't even good looking. Ah well. Turns out, he was also really not interested in  little ole me. That made for an easy crush. This was the sort of "relationship" I could manage. No effort and all longing. Ha! Then I dated (briefly) another guy who was of the Non-Party Variety. Very good looking and super nice. At the time I thought he was boring. Maybe he was. Maybe he wasn't. Turns out he was "work." As in relationships require work. I was still a solid year away from being able to manage anything "real."

I also rushed a sorority my freshman year who rejected me. At the time, that was really painful. However, the more I watched those girls on campus, I realized they were the Mean Girls of my Junior High School. So, of course, I wanted them to like me. Of course, they didn't. By the end of the year I was grateful that God doesn't answer all prayer. I didn't belong in that group.

All in all... Freshman Year was a Mad Season. I did more changing in that one year than I had in all of the years that came before.

I particularly like the line:

And I've been changing
I think it's funny how no one knows





Can you think of a time when you decided that you wanted to "change everything" or "be someone else?" Have you ever filled your own holes with unhealthy things? 
 If you're enjoying these posts, feel free to share your own Soundtrack. This isn't a hop. No requirements at all, but a suggestion to do it one song at a time. (If you participated in the hop several years ago, you can still do this. Just post them one song at a time, with the freedom to add more songs if you'd like.) I'll link to all participants at the bottom of each of these posts:

StMcC Presents BATTLE OF THE BANDS

Cherdo on the Flipside

The Soundtrack Of My Life, Solving for "P"

This week the Soundtrack posts should roll with regularity. Onward, people, onward!

Do you remember when I wrote about that transition into high school? Everything went pretty smoothly because I was Living With Intention. I had very specific goals, along with clear ideas on how to meet them. In the end, I achieved all of them. (I think I also mentioned on that post that I peaked in terms of smarts at that time... this post illustrates that truth!)

So, I chose a college that was seven hours from home. I didn't want to know a single person there. I didn't want my parents visiting me unexpectedly. I wanted to reinvent myself. Start all over. I thought I was figuring out who "I really was." Or, to put it another way, I wanted to be someone other than who I was. Is this feeling treacherous yet? It should... (cue the spooky music)

Freshman Year.... New and Improved?

I had no idea how dangerous this was. I had no idea the consequences that would result from this reckless act. I had no idea how long the consequences would continue to manifest in my life (we're talking decades, folks). In other words, I was a woman without a clue. The most dangerous kind.

I've thought long and hard about my Life Choices in putting together this Soundtrack feature, and this choice might very well be the worst. Because it was the first. Because if not for this one, the rest might not have happened.

I deliberately chose to become a blank slate, more or less. I kept Music (as I intended to Major in that), but ditched everything else. Everything else. I was on a quest to fill holes I didn't know I had. We can call those holes The Two Ps: Pretty and Popular. In my (warped) mind, I'd achieved things in high school, but I still felt like I didn't have Value. What was missing? I didn't feel Pretty or Popular.

Ergo, the things that must make a person feel valued are... Pretty and Popular.

In some ways, I see this now as an algebra problem. I thought I had all the variables, but I didn't, so I arrived at the wrong answer, but didn't know it. In fact, all of these things were done on a subconscious level. At the time, I had no idea I was doing all of this for The Two Ps. I really thought I was looking for Me (very existential and all that...)

The problems are thus: there are no direct routes to Pretty and Popular. There are no maps. There are no clear-cut directions on achieving these things. My theory was to do the opposite of everything I did in high school, and I would run into it. What I didn't understand is that when you approach life as a blank slate, and you're ultimately looking for something (or someone) to give you value, you are not the one writing on your slate. You don't have boundaries. You are giving your power over to other people to give you Value. Worse, you are allowing other people to dictate who you become as you travel the foggy path to Pretty and Popular.

This mindset is important to understand, because this bad decision is the foundation for my adult life. If you weren't able to see how I run amok and headlong into migraines, I think it's all becoming clear now. Yep, I built my house on sand... and it eroded. Shocking.




Birdie in the hand for life's rich demand
The insurgency began and you missed it
I looked for it and I found it
Miles Standish proud, congratulate me

A philanderer's tie, a murderer's shoe
Life's rich demand creates supply in the hand
Of the powers, the only vote that matters

Silence means security, silence means approval
Watchin' Zenith on the TV, tiger run around the tree
Follow the leader, run and turn into butter

Let's begin again, begin the begin
Let's begin again like Martin Luthers in
The mythology begins the begin

Answer me a question, I can't itemize
I can't think clearly, look to me for reason
It's not there, I can't even rhyme, begin the begin

A philanderer's tie, a murderer's shoe
Example, the finest example is you

Birdie in the hand for life's rich demand
The insurgency began and you missed it
I looked for it and I found it
Miles Standish proud, congratulate me

A philanderer's tie, a murderer's shoe
Let's begin again, begin the begin
Let's begin again

Have you ever attempted to reinvent yourself? If so, how did that work out? Have you ever added up the variables but gotten the wrong answer? Have you ever made choices that caused you to "build your house" on sand? 



If you're enjoying these posts, feel free to share your own Soundtrack. This isn't a hop. No requirements at all, but a suggestion to do it one song at a time. (If you participated in the hop several years ago, you can still do this. Just post them one song at a time, with the freedom to add more songs if you'd like.) I'll link to all participants at the bottom of each of these posts:

StMcC Presents BATTLE OF THE BANDS

Cherdo on the Flipside

SNAPSHOT WEDNESDAY: COLLEGE FRESHMAN YEAR

If I had as many novel ideas as I do blog ideas, I would be bowled over right now with book ideas. As it is, my novel is "stuck" and I am getting blog ideas right and left. Does the universe feel like it is on tilt for anyone else? Ah well, you get what you get. At least I am getting an idea for something. I could be sitting here completely idea-less. That would be Bad.

What is this idea? I am so glad you asked. I am thinking of calling it Snapshot Wednesday. Or maybe Wednesday's A Moment In Time. You do realize before this is all said and done I won't have a spare day to blog about just random ole stuff. Of course, I don't have to do this every Wednesday. Well now, that feels better. Isn't it great knowing that you make the rules? As soon as I removed the restriction of having to blog about this every Wednesday, I felt tons better. Whew. However, knowing that it is always there waiting for me is a relief, too. How about that? Finally something that cuts both ways and feels good.

Right now I am restricted to the pictures I already have scanned. I am no good with my stepdad's scanner. That thing annoys the crap out of me, and I never get my picture scanned and saved, where I can find them. It really ticks me off. So... until I can get him to sit down with me, and show me again how to work that blasted machine, I have to deal with what I already have. That is not a problem for today. Unfortunately, I am recycling a photo of me that you have already seen. Them's the breaks folks.

Freshman year College

My dorm was not the traditional set up with one long hall and rooms shooting off on both sides. I lived in the only dorm on campus that embraced cluster-style living. Each cluster had its shared living area. All of the rooms sprouted off of that. There were four doubles, a room for the RA, and two triples on the end. At the far end was a shared bathroom. I lived in one of the triples.

It was winter and it was cold. I was walking back from class rethinking every choice I had made for the last year, beginning with choosing this college. It was on a lake in Michigan. I hate snow. I hate cold. I looked around. There was snow everywhere. It started snowing in October and it hadn't stopped. I blew out my breath. I could see it. It was COLD. I could barely feel my feet and they were in boots. This was the only place I had ever lived that it got colder as the day progressed. It was probable that the day be colder at noon than at 9am. WTF??? I was several classes past Music Theory and I still wanted to lie down on the sidewalk and have a good cry. This is what death feels like. Not my death, but the death of someone you love. The death of a close friend. I had been watching my friend Music die in inches for months. It was almost over. I could hear the death rattle. I just wanted to go back to my dorm, get in bed, and sleep until May.

When I get to my room, my roommates are in the middle of a lively discussion. They are happy. One of them, K, has the perfect boyfriend, is perpetually happy (not the fake kind, the real kind), and is confident and sure about her major. My other roommate, R, has a high school sweetheart, and is also confident about her lifepath. She isn't as perky as K, but they are definitely more suited to one another as roomies. I am definitely the odd one out in this group. A part of me steps outside of myself and wonders if it would be different if I knew where I was going, what I wanted, and wasn't so miserable due to my major? What if I had a boyfriend? No, I still wouldn't really fit in. I am not perky. Not even on my best day. Happy? Yes. Perky? No.

They immediately include me in their discussion. K says, "We have come up with two case scenarios and you have to pick one. The first one is this: (I close my eyes and take a deep breath and then open my eyes and let the breath out) You marry a man that you love to distraction, but he doesn't have nearly the same feelings for you. He loves you, just not to the same degree that you love him."

R picks up where K left off: "Or you marry a man who loves you to distraction, but you don't have nearly the same feelings for him. You love him, but just not nearly to the same degree."

I look at both of them like they have spent the afternoon drinking in the room, except neither of them drink. Me? Too much. Obviously, not with them. "Seriously, this is what you two have been doing?"

R: Yes, now which would you choose?

Me: I wouldn't choose either. They are terrible choices.

K: But if you had to choose one or the other, which would you choose?

Me: (Somebody shoot me dead on the spot.) If I had to choose, I would choose someone who loved me to distraction.

Just then, it was one of those moments that people say they get a cold shiver down their spine. Or maybe they say it felt like someone walked over their grave. Whatever. It was creepy. It was creepy enough that I remember this conversation and the details leading up to it. Oddly enough, I don't remember what they chose or if they chose.

All I know is that I shouldn't have chosen. Some people might say that my choosing something so silly as that didn't mean anything. Maybe not. But, words have power. It was like saying something like that out loud set something into motion.

So, what do you think about the idea in general? The story in specific? And what about the name? Also, have you ever had something like this happen? You do or say something, get a freaky feeling, and then have it actually play it out in your life in a bizarro way MANY years later?