EIGHT TO THE EIGHT TO THE EIGHT AGAIN!

It seems like a lifetime ago, but I tagged Purple Cow, at Australian in Athens, with 8 questions to answer. I totally forgot about it when she didn't answer them. Then, for no good reason, she decided that yesterday would be a good day to tackle that project. I was thrilled until she tagged me back. There is a penalty for that I am certain somewhere in The Blogger's Handbook. If I could find mine I would cite it and call her out. Anyway, she answered my eight questions and then created eight of her own, per the rules, and tagged eight people, including me. Which I am sure is illegal.

I am still participating in the letter writing challenge. Tomorrow, however, is Inspirational Song Saturday, which I am totally looking forward to, and if you haven't dropped in on one of them, I hope you will. I always pick one song/video that is inspirational to me in that moment. And then I highlight an artist/band from the 80s that rocked MTV. Yeah... that was back when they actually played music on MTV pretty much 24/7. My focus is the videos that used the weight of video to give their song forward momentum on the radio. A well done video had the potential to move a song up the charts faster than say... just a concert video. We have already looked at some of the masters: Madonna, Michael Jackson, and Duran Duran (blowing kisses at John Taylor). Okay, I am over that. But, there is still a lot of territory to cover and it is so much fun.

Let's move on to Purple Cow and her questions...

1) Why do you blog? Have the reasons changed as you've been doing it?

Ironically enough, I wrote an entire blog devoted to this subject matter. Obviously, I have a lot to say about it. I suppose if you care enough about the answer you can click here to read it because I am not retyping it.


2) Why do they ask "What animal are you most like?" at job interviews? And what could they possibly learn about the person being interviewed when they ask this question? (Also feel free to share any other stupid questions you've been asked at job interviews).

I have never been asked what animal I am most like in a job interview and that is good news, because I am sitting here sifting through all of the information in my brain and coming up empty. That would not look good in a job interview. Probably a bear. They are seriously protective of their young or even those in their protection. I am not real knowledgeable on wild animals, but they strike me as the do what is necessary kind of animal. Not the kind to back down from a fight if they feel threatened or they are protecting their family. So, I will go with the bear.

One real question that I did get asked that wasn't a stupid question, but to which I gave a stupid answer was this one: "What would be your ideal job?"

Without thinking, I said, "I would love to write novels."

I was applying for a commission sales job to sell maintenance supplies. Not the right answer, but I got the job anyway. Turns out I loved it. Not as much as writing, but I really did like that job.


3) If you were to arrange a rendezvous with your 18-year-old self what would you say to yourself? How much would you have in common? Would you accuse yourself of something?

I would have a lot to say. All of it would take me off of this lifepath. However, I now see why I am here. Every rotten experience that I would dearly love to tell 18 year old me to avoid has contributed to the person that I am today. If I were to do that, I wouldn't be the same person sitting here typing this answer. I wouldn't be the person with this Big Idea that the world needs so much. I suppose I would just hug her and tell her that she will go through a lot of crap. However, it will be alright. There will be lots of days when it won't feel like it, but it will be alright.


4) Imagine me? What do I look like? (Skip this one Robin as you've already seen me on FB)

I try to imagine what your life is actually like. I know what you look like. But your day-to day life still stymies me somewhat. For instance, I wonder how many people in your real life actually know you. I imagine many of them think that they know you. But, do they really? You appear to be this working woman with children and a husband living a fairly ordinary life. Do they know how smart you are? Do they know how well you write? Do they have any idea how you think? Do they know the real you or just the superficial you? The nice, pleasant facade that you show to the world. We all have one. How many people in your real life actually know you? This is what I imagine when I think of you. I think the number is fairly small, which is why you started blogging in the first place. It is also the reason I can't understand why you would want to quit. To go back to just being the you before you started blogging. That is what I imagine when I think of you.


5) Have you ever surprised yourself with your own wickedness?

Unfortunately, yes. Usually I was drunk and my better sense had deserted me. Where does that better sense go? I am not getting into details here because it is well.... wicked.


6) What makes you special and different from this blob called humanity?

I think everyone is special and different. We are all given gifts. The trick is figuring out what your gift is and then using it. Of course, you can use your gift for good or ill. I suppose I should say gifts, because it is certainly possible, and often necessary, to have more than one. I was being general and you asked about me specifically. I have a gift for sales. I am good at that. I see the problems in our healthcare system that extend beyond insurance. For people who are chronically ill and misdiagnosed or undiagnosed, it can be devastating if it goes on long enough. I understand that because I lived that. I plan to take those two gifts and put them together to create a solution to that problem. That is what makes me special. I am going to then reach out my hands to all of you and ask you to reach out and so on and so on. It is all about assisting people in their journey from illness to wellness.


7) Do you ever wonder if you are wrong about everything you currently believe and hold to be true? And if it turns out that none of it is as it seems would you wish to be told the TRUTH a minute before you die or die not knowing at all?

No. I don't wonder if I am wrong about everything I believe is true. If I have some things wrong, I would just as soon die believing them if they make me happy. If, for instance, I believed something about someone that was or wasn't true and it made me sad or unhappy, I would rather know the truth before I died. It would be a truth that gave me peace. Any truth that gives peace or relief, I would rather know.


8) So how come it's 8 questions? Why not 5, 7 or 10? Why 8? Do you want more or do you wish you'd had less?

Beats me. That was just how it rolled out. I am glad that there aren't any more!


Okay, people, the rules are that you are supposed to make up eight questions and pass this on to eight people. I have already done this twice. I am not doing it again. However, if you are looking for some blog material, haven't done this yet and want to, or just feel bored, you can have at it. Just use Purple Cow's questions, pick eight people, and make up eight questions of your own.


image found at www.weheartit.com

ARE MY PANTS ON FIRE?

I was going to go one way with this post and then I hit a detour. I got in the Think Tank and had a revelation, of sorts, and now I am a bit confused. So, I am going to throw it out there and see what you guys think. Is that passing the buck? I like to think of it as information gathering.


Yesterday I said that I didn't have any issues with my parents. That is true. I do think that I have learned some things, by example, that might not be so healthy. I also think that I might not have even realized I was learning it. I want to clarify that this isn't a blame it on the parent blog. This is more of a this is what my dad did, and I have caught myself doing it, too. Unfortunately, this isn't very healthy behavior, for him or me. So, let's examine this crap. We shall begin with dad.

My father was a social worker. He is now retired. I think that sometimes people pick occupations like social work because they are trying to get a handle on their own relationship issues with their family members. I think that is the case with my dad. My mother says that when my father went to get his Masters in Social Work that they told him that they really didn't think this was a good career choice for him. In other words, he had too many issues of his own. Unfortunately, I don't think he found the answers he was looking for in the textbooks; he also didn't listen to the guidance offered and got the Masters in Social Work anyway.

Since my dad didn't find his answers in the classroom, he buried all of those issues about his mother, and his other relatives from that branch of the family, really deep. So deep that he began to believe that he was fine. Eventually that became his truth. He sold himself on his fineness with his family, and was able to maintain that fineness, so long as he was able to maintain a reasonable distance, and limited contact. That all came to a screeching halt when my nanny began failing and decisions needed to be made about her care.

At that time I was living in GA, so I wasn't there for "the event." In fact, getting the specifics wasn't an easy task. However, my understanding is that my father and my aunt (his half sister) got into an ugly argument that probably went something like this:

Dad: I am not happy with the way you all have been handling mom's money. I have concerns about her long-term care.

Aunt: This is rich. I have been the one who has lived within spitting distance of the woman my entire life, could never do anything right, and you have always been the golden child. You are never around, and now that mom needs long-term care, here you are to tell us how to run things?

Dad: (taken aback by the attitude even though he did throw the first volley) I am not looking to fight with you. I just want to sit down and go over things to make sure that mom will be taken care of, and make sure she has enough money to keep her in a nice place. And stop being so dramatic.


Aunt: (working up a head of steam) Dramatic? You think this is dramatic? You have barely come around here since you left as a kid and now you want to call the shots? I have taken care of our mother my entire life. I have been the one to make sure that she is all right. Where have you been? It hasn't been here. And you are still numero uno and I am sick of it!

Dad: (the madder he gets, the calmer he sounds) You are acting like a child. Grow up.

Aunt: (interrupting) Grow up? You don't have any idea what you are even talking about!

Dad: You are acting like a crazy woman.

Aunt. (waving hands around, now screaming) Crazy? You think this is crazy? You try taking taking non-stop care of someone who doesn't appreciate you for years and then you'll see crazy!!!!

Dad: I'm done. I will go see mom at the nursing home, but you are not my sister. I am disowning you.

Aunt: (furious) You are disowning ME? YOU CAN'T DISOWN ME BECAUSE I DISOWNED YOU BEFORE WE EVER STARTED THIS CONVERSATION!


Of course, I don't know that it went down exactly like that, but it was something like that. I hit all the major points. After the disowning, about once a year I would ask my father if he was ready to make peace with my aunt yet. His response always was that he didn't have a sister. My dad always was ice to her fire. When she got terminal cancer, I thought that he would change his mind. He didn't. She died and he never went to see her because he didn't have a sister. My cousin says she cursed his name until she died. I think she cursed his name because she knew that he knew she was dying of cancer, and he didn't come to make amends, and it made her so angry she could spit nails. I can understand that. I stopped asking my dad about it because it was over. He couldn't make peace with her and there was no point in making him feel bad about it.


When we all got together this past spring I had to know exactly what was said in that conversation that could make him so angry that he couldn't get past it. We didn't get very far for a couple of reasons. The biggest one was that my dad now has these holes in his memory. If you want to compare his brain to a computer and each memory has a wire hooked up to it, a bunch of his wires have gotten pulled. Some have been pulled all the way out and others partially. He remembered being angry and he remembered the part about her lamenting their "statuses." He said to me that was so wrong because her father treated her like a queen. I said to him that she wasn't talking about her father; she was talking about nanny. It was clear that thought never occurred to him. Of course, he was really angry about the money at the time (and he had forgotten all about that when we talked). We got interrupted and we never got back to that topic, but I wondered if that rift might have been reparable. As it was, it was another thing that my father told himself that he didn't care about. It didn't bother him in the least to cut his sister out of his life. He didn't regret it. He wouldn't change it. *All of these statements were made when he still had his memory.*


I wrote this blog and that alerts me to the fact that I do the same thing. The only thing that woke me up on this one was the fact that I physically could not do what my brain was saying that I could and would do. That is it. Otherwise, I had convinced myself that something was true, but it wasn't. The only place it was true was in my imagination. (This was another early blog that got 0 comments. My blogs were shorter then, too. Hmmmm.)

Sometimes we can pretend something for long enough and it becomes the truth. Pretending to be strong is strong. In that case, it is a good thing. It's fooling yourself into becoming strong. That is all well and good when you're selling yourself something that helps you. What about when you sell yourself something that hurts you? What about when you ignore something or push it down long enough and deep enough and say enough times that it is not an issue that you believe it? You believe it. How do you disbelieve something? The only way to disbelieve it is to catch yourself in a lie. A lie to yourself.


Lucy March (are you tired of her yet?) says that her therapist sometimes stops her mid sentence or story ~ whatever ~ and says that everything she has just said is complete bullshit. Apparently her therapist has an excellent bullshit meter. Lucy and I are afflicted with the same problem of selling ourselves on stuff that is not true. I have no idea what Lucy's bullshit crimes are, any more than I know what mine are. And therein lies the problem.

I just wanted you to be prepared. If you read something and it smells like bullshit. Hit the button and call it. You are all now blog therapists. Enjoy the feeling for about two seconds. My mental stability is in your hands. See how fast that euphoria wore off...

all images found at www.weheartit.com

*BANG*

I had been thinking about writing this extremely "real" blog today. Once I got on here and caught up on my own blog reading, I realized it was Blog Hop Friday. Egads. If there is anything that I have learned it is that someone new to your blog doesn't want to read anything extremely real about you on their first visit! That would have them screaming and running for their lives.


So, then I thought I could write something funny. I'm funny. I'm all kinds of funny. In fact, I had a dream last night and I was a one woman comedy act in it. I would tell you about it, but it was a strange dream. Again, I try not to freak people out on their first visit. I do know that I learned one thing from that dream. I hate my hair. I was adamant about a hair appointment that I NEEDED to make. Other things kept getting in the way and I was really snarky by the end of the dream and I was yelling things like, "But I hate my hair!" So, if there was any greater truth in that dream, I think that was it.


One of my friends left this comment on one of my recent blogs:

"Robin, at the risk of hurting you, I will tell you the truth. Sometimes you tend to ramble. Sometimes I don't know WHAT you are talking about. And then, just when I least expect it...BANG! You strike and tear out my heart.

I don't think that your blog has the best writing (sorry) objectively speaking, but it is the one I rush to read so maybe, just maybe, it does. After all, how can we judge what is good writing? Maybe it is simply what appears genuine, heartfelt and exquisitely real.

I love you.

Take care of yourself."

That is how I roll on this blog. I just ramble on and you think that I am going nowhere, and you are mildly entertained, and then *BANG* I actually come up with something that makes sense. For the record, I don't really do crafts, I am not much of a cook, I am working on a novel, I have kicka$$ migraines that tear my world apart regularly, I'm having a really tough time with my friendships, no dating life, and I am living with my parents. Never in a million years did I see my life going like this. Does it suck? Like lemons after half a bottle of tequila when you are throwing up on the bathroom floor in a bar that hasn't been cleaned in six months. (Was that metaphor too vivid? I am thinking it might have been too vivid.)

Anyway, my life right now is about doing what I can. I write when I can. I put the effort into people who are worth it. Right now, there aren't very many people in my life who are worth it. The ones who are live all the way across the country. It is just a bit far. I have a couple of friends here who are worth it, but they are busy most of the time. So, I blog and I work on my novel. And I work on me. And I spend time with my real friends when they can fit me into their crazy schedules. A big part of what I'm doing right now is working on letting things go. This is something that I have problems with, and I will give you an example:

I held on to a marriage that I should have let go of much sooner in order to save children that weren't mine. That's why I have a migraine that started in January of 2003 and hasn't stopped since. That's right. Every day since January 2003. The stress of being married and trying to save his kids was too big for me. Had I let go sooner, I think that the pain cycle of the migraine could have been put down. I didn't. I waited too long. I was determined to give his kids a solid foundation. I thought that when I left the migraines would end. I was wrong. That one choice cost me everything. Letting things go sounds easy. It's not. Sometimes knowing what to keep, how long to keep it, and when to let go are the things that can change or save your life. Sometimes both. *BANG*





All images found at www.weheartit.com

SHIFTING YOUR REALITY

Why do you blog? Let me change that question... why did you start blogging? Sometimes we can start for one reason, but continue for a different one.


I started blogging, aka writing, because I needed to write again. I needed to do something productive, and I needed someone other than me to read it. In fact, in my mind, I had this picture of my blog working out sorta like the movie FIELD OF DREAMS. If I write it, they will come, was my mentality when I opened my account. I was all enthusiasm, sure that I was going to set the blogging world on fire with my mad writing skills. I look back at that and laugh now. Not with sarcasm, but a full belly laugh. It's funny, right? Because if you're reading this, you know how hard it is to build a loyal readership. Well, I guess it took Kevin Costner some time in the movie, too. He had to build a baseball field, etc. It's not just flipping a switch.

The thing I didn't anticipate was how much enjoyment I would get from reading other people's blogs. I didn't see that coming. In fact, if I have limited time and have to choose between writing my own and reading my subscriptions.... it's a tough call. Sometimes I will choose to read what you guys are writing, unless I have something that I really want to get down on paper, because I LEARN so much.

Here is the kick in the teeth: if you know something to be true, but you don't utilize that truth and make it your own, it does you no good. Now, doesn't that just suck lemons? One of my favorite bloggers, Phoenix, wrote an excellent post about not allowing negative people, events, etc. to suck her energy anymore. This may or may not be a new concept for you. It's truth is undeniable. Negativity sucks our energy. Our spirit. Eventually that may mean our good health. As long as we keep that door open, it keeps sucking. It comes at us as people and things. If you don't know what I am talking about, think about whatever steals your joy. That is the culprit. What has you stomping around and cursing and wanting to throw things? There it is. Anyway, I read that post and it did a flashsideways with my current book (yeah, that was a LOST reference ~ couldn't help it).

If you have never read Richard Bach's books you're missing out. Period. Being on vacation made it hard for me to work on my own novel, but did enable me to read more of RUNNING FROM SAFETY by Richard Bach. Even though I could have gulped it; I savor his books like a fine wine. Therefore, I am still not quite halfway finished. That does move my actual finish date up from Thanksgiving to Halloween:-) I am digressing....

So how does this wonderful book and Phoenix's blog flashsideways? Well, she figured out that getting angry and allowing negativity to suck your energy steals your joy. In the chapter I had just finished Richard was talking with his wife about how pointless it was to get angry. She reminded him that she had seen him angry plenty of times. He then sets about explaining that it's because in that instant he forgets that it's just a game. He gets caught up in that he might lose this or that, or is afraid of something being taken away, that he becomes angry. However, once he remembers that it is a game (his perception is restored), then the anger becomes just a mood of the game, and it fades immediately.

If you're scratching your head right now, that's okay. I tried to explain something rather complicated in a few sentences that he knew required a book. The thing that both of these people have in common is that they are taking their reality and shifting it. People change their reality all of the time. I know that is true. I have read it on here. People are shaking their boxes and changing their lives. They are cutting out the negative and only letting in the positive and it is changing their game. Me: I keep pulling the pain card with my migraines in my game, and I am really tired of that. I am ready to change games. Like I said, if you know something to be true, but you don't utilize it and make it your own, then it does you no good.