The Roads That Take You Home

I have been awake for over an hour. That means I have been tossing and turning since about 7:30am, unable to go back to sleep. Now, if you only knew me, you would understand how mindblowing that is. Of course, the beginning of this wakefulness was prompted by a full-blown migraine. However, once that settled down to something to bearable, it just became my thoughts keeping me from going back to sleep.

We are still on vacation. Over the weekend we arrived in the town I grew up in and graduated high school from, blah blah blah. The last time I was here was last May for my dad's funeral. It is so strange to come back here and NOT see him. Perhaps, it is more odd to know that I never will again.

A friend of mine from high school has a twelve year old son who is undergoing chemotheraphy for a brain tumor. They are in the third and final round. The tumor is shrinking and things are looking good. His son has remained upbeat throughout the entire experience. I think that is because his parents, family, and friends have provided a positive outlook, and he has embraced it. This really makes a difference in how someone does in this sort of situation. Kids are so resilient. The brain decides whether or not you get better, so whatever you tell them, that is what happens. Voila. Anyway, he is a brave and remarkable young man and doing so well.

In many respects, kids are like dogs. I mean that in the best of ways. My dog has responded so well to losing her leg to cancer. She was in pain for a few days and struggled. However, she was walking on the first day. A few days later, she was running. She hasn't slowed down since. She wipes out sometimes; she pivots because she forgets that isn't her strong suit, but immediately picks herself up and is off to the races again. I love that about her.

Here's the thing: kids and dogs don't second guess themselves. They just go with what is. It seems like my life would be so much easier if I could learn this lesson. And I freely admit that I am trying. However, I can't seem to help myself. I like having Plan A, Plan B, Plan C, etc. And all of that leads to a lot of second, third, and fourth guessing. I just don't want to be stuck with absolutely no ideas. The thing about this philosophy is that it leads you wandering down the same mental roads hoping you find something you missed the last time you were there.

The mental road taking up all my energy these days is my Schmidt's Syndrome Diagnosis, simply because autoimmune issues are so tricky. It has me on that What If path constantly. Based on the fact that I have other autoimmune issues, I probably did mess up the doctor's blood test the last time I took it by taking the Herbal Adrenal Supplement. Hence, the low results, but the surprising result of it not being autoimmune. So, we are retaking the test in a few months. However, even the doctor has no way of knowing how much time it takes for the Herbal Supplement's effects to leave my system. So, my test could still come back a false positive. If that is the case, I actually do have Addison's Disease. We just didn't wait long enough. The thing is this: the doctor and I both truly believe this is the case. Where the doctor and I part ways is right here: The only way he "knows" to treat Addison's Disease is internal hydro cortisone for the rest of your life, while I would say go back to the Herbal Adrenal Supplement because it is a cure. It actually flipped the antibodies, making them positive. It stopped them from attacking the adrenal gland. All autoimmune means is that your body doesn't know your own body and attacks it until it kills it. And Addison's Disease is literally a death sentence. All hydro cortisone does is slow down the process.

Like every other good thing I have ever done, I found the cure by accident.

Of course, that is IF I found the cure. Unless, I never had it. Unless the antibodies are just waiting to flip on me. You see, this is why it would be better to be a dog. They don't think of this kind of junk. In that case, my death sentence is just out there waiting for me. Or it's out there waiting for me to find the cure. Either way, it sounds very exhausting. At least, at 9:00am.

At 3:00pm, on normal days, I tell myself things like the point of all this health junk is that maybe on top of MY IDEA, I am meant to find natural cures for all of these autoimmune issues for the entire endocrine system. Why? Because that is the next place they are going to take me down if they haven't already. For instance, the vascular system is part of the endocrine system. And it is constriction of the vascular system that causes migraines. And I have had a constant migraine since 2003. Doesn't it make you think that maybe someone should test those antibodies to see if they are autoimmune? Maybe that's just me. But, one website I was on said that anyone with Schmidt's should have their endocrine system checked regularly. Your antibodies can turn on you at any time. That includes antibodies for organs like your kidneys, pancreas, etc. You sort of need those things to work and don't want your antibodies to start attacking them to the death.

Writing so much about health and health issues makes me think even more about my dad. He always felt like Don Quixote tilting at the windmill. He spent the last forty years of his life trying to get anyone to listen to him that natural supplements were the way to go. Prescriptions were band-aids at best. Ironically, he barely got my attention. It was so non-stop that some went in, but most went out. I was like, "Yes, dad, I am taking my vitamins. Prescriptions are bad. And be careful of doctors. They are not trustworthy. Got it."

He was right. Each time you see a doctor, be careful. You are entrusting them with the most precious thing you have: you. If you have an ongoing problem, and the doctor continues to write a Rx, you are getting paperclips and duct tape. That would be an unacceptable fix for your car. Don't allow it to happen to your body. A symptom is a wonderful thing; it means you have a problem and you need investigate until you find the SOURCE. A Rx simply masks the problem. So, dad, I was listening more than you thought. I got it.

It makes MY IDEA even more important. It really is your idea. You just didn't know it. It's your idea on a much bigger scale. Word of mouth taken to a whole new level. I am my father's daughter after all. Not only did I get all of your crappy DNA, I got your fighting spirit. That means I might come up with Plan Zs, but I will never GIVE UP. However, I will always miss you and it will always make me sad that you won't see this come to fruition. You would have loved it. And I would have loved sharing it with you.

I'm sure we'll go by the old house this week. I always stand outside on the sidewalk and imagine doing this, but I never do.

Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I am back but look a lot like roadkill.

This is going to be another short one (I think). I am back home, but very tired. So much happened in the two weeks that I was gone. I suppose that the best thing was that I came to a place of acceptance about my dad and his cancer. It is still really hard for me to imagine this world without him in it, but we all leave this body sometime. And that is one true thing. For everyone.

I will post more details as I get them sorted out in my head. I also have some pictures that I will post. Though I have to say that it hurts my heart a bit to look at them. My dad was 6 feet tall. He says that he has lost a couple of inches. Despite that loss, 130 pounds just doesn't look good on him. He is sitting in the recliner and it just swallows him right up. With that weight loss, he looks my nanny (his mother), which is something I never saw before. She was always very thin and angular. Of course, he was always on the thin side. Now he is on the gaunt side and the resemblance is a bit uncanny. Or not. She was his mother, after all.

We also visited (briefly) our next door neighbors while I was growing up. I have dreamt recently frequently of my old house. The Miranda Lambert song, The House That Built Me, will often make me cry. I even considered knocking on their door and breaking song acapella. Yeah, kinda desperate, but I haven't been inside since my parents moved out while I was in college. When we drove by my jaw dropped. They resided the house. It isn't blue anymore. It is this awful beige color. It doesn't even look like our house. They tore down the barn that was in the back and built a blue monstrousity. These are the same people who bought the place from my folks. Not much turnover in that neighborhood. Anyway, they aren't very well liked according to my old neighbors. Given that info, I decided against the song. That and I might cry at the interior changes they've made. That wouldn't have been pretty. Given my stress levels already, more stress didn't seem to be the right call. However, we had a lovely visit with my former neighbor and her daughter just happened to be there with her husband and kids. I hadn't seen her in years. Excellent chance to catch up.

Anyway, I will give you more details next blog. And I will start reading tomorrow. Yah, that means no Thursday event again this week. However, things should be on track for next week. I have appreciated all of your support throughout this difficult time. You all are awesome.

FREEZE THE HOUSE CENTERFOLD STINKS

I don't know how many of you even noticed, but last weekend I completely failed to put an Inspirational music post up at all. Ugggh. Here's To You Thursday came out on Friday, and by Sunday evening I knew that the music thing just wasn't going to happen. The really sad part about that whole debacle was that I had all of the music chosen. I just didn't feel able to put a post together. That seems really pathetic in hindsight.

Well, let me tell you a little story. Actually, have you ever noticed how sometimes that in life you get a bunch of little stories that fold into a collective of one big story? I think it is the universe trying to tell you something. Maybe. Or not. I do know that I pick up bits and pieces of wisdom from you people on here that make me stop and think and reevaluate. It has been cause for some major chicken coop cleaning (aka brain cleansing).

About a month ago I had a dream about my best friend, Jennifer, from high school, that I think I told you about, that prompted a telephone call. Anyway, we have been talking on the phone since then. It has been a really wonderful reconnection for both of us. To recap for those of you who missed that blog, I was on a crazy vacation with my parents and stressed out, when I bumped into her and her parents and literally said, "Thank God you're here." And then I woke up. I took it as a sign that I should track her down, so I did. Turns out she was thinking about me, too. Life is funny like that.

I think that I also told you about this little family pizza place that does karaoke on the weekends. Well... they have started doing it on Saturday nights now, too. Fridays got crazy. So, we now go on Saturdays. Less crazy. Everyone has a different approach to the whole thing. Some people sing the same thing every week. I suppose, because of that, they get pretty good at the song. It gives them the chance to really practice. They know what is coming, etc. Then there is me. Easily bored. I am more like kamikaze karaoke. I like something different all the time. If it works, great. If not, oh well. Of course, this did work better when I was going to a karaoke joint that let me use my own CDs so I could practice at home and use my CDs. I have LOTS of CDs. Now, even songs that I have on CD aren't necessarily good, because every version is different. LOL. One would think I might do the same thing a few times just so that I have a few things that I know are top-notch. Nope. Apparently that is not how I roll. I know that I have some things that I think will be better, but that is as close as I come. I get easily diverted, because that really isn't where I was going with this story...lol. Now where I was going...

Last week there was a young girl who sang Miranda Lambert's The House That Built Me. Honestly, the kid really couldn't sing that well. As in, she found about half the notes half the time. However, anyone who does karaoke is a superstar in my book. It takes courage to stand up and sing in front of people, so I clap for everyone. Some people because they are good, and some people because they are done. I just don't explain. At the end of that song, I was about crying in my chair. That is puzzle piece number 2 to this story. How about we listen to Miranda sing the song? She hits all of the notes. That is refreshing. And it is a cool video to boot.



I have been dreaming about the house where I grew up for a while now. In several different contexts actually. For those of you who have read this blog for a long time might remember some of them. But sometimes I just go home and walk around my house in my dreams. There is a part of me that knows that whoever moved in changed "my" house. They redecorated, maybe even made major renovations. But in my dreams it is just the same. I have also talked (repeatedly) about time travel machines and fixing my life. I used to joke that if I could just get back to the summer before my senior year of high school, I think that would do it. I would be back at a place where I was healthy enough that I could make better choices, and stay that way. Blah blah blah. I think mostly what I want is just to feel what it was like to feel certain again. That girl felt certain about her life and where she going. The last time I felt certain was when I was in high school. So those lyrics speak to me.

You leave home and you move on and you do the best you can
I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I walk around I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me

Enter the third puzzle piece to this story. Once again, it comes to me via a dream. I tell you, if not for dreams I am not sure I would figure anything out! One morning this week I had a dream where I was with my friend, Megan, after a very long absence, and I was so happy to see her that I was crying. I mean really crying. Crying so hard in the dream that I was crying in real life. Crying so hard that it woke me up. At 4:30am. Yeah, that part sucked. Cause my head was freaking killing me when I came awake. Like it was going to roll right off my shoulders killing me. But, I knew that it was another sign. I was supposed to call her. Naturally, my address book was lost in my move. But, her husband, another former high school friend of mine is on facebook, and I sent him an email. She lives on the West Coast and we have been trying to connect since then. It is difficult to conquer time zones.

What I am getting at here is support system. Everyone needs one. When you are in pain, you don't want to talk to people because you feel lousy, so you push people out. That is the wrong thing to do. I have been doing it for years. However, it is the wrong thing to do. You don't want to burden them with your pain. You want to wait until you are all better, and have good news to report. Well, guess what? By the time you have good news to report a decade may have gone by; a decade is rough on a friendship. Don't wait. I have good friends. That are patient with my stupidity and willing to understand. Not everyone is. Make the call already.

Now, on to our 80s bands of the week. MTV is still rocking it out. I don't have lots to say about this band. I think the music speaks for itself. The music is good. The video is good. I always try to choose good music and good video. If you don't have good video, you don't make my weekend line up. So, this week's 80s pick is.... wait for it... J Geils Band. And you can decide what your favorite is and let me know.










Okay, once again this has all made me miss MTV like crazy. Well, not today's MTV. But MTV when it was GOOD. So, I salute the 80s and it's fine music. And I miss it like crazy. And I promise to be back next week to favor you with another impressive video artiste. Until then, rock on!