FINDING THE FIRE ~ YOU CAN THANK CHRIS FOR THIS ONE

As many of you are aware, I purchased my very own domain name a couple of weeks ago. I was so pleased with myself. It was this HUGE milestone. Finding just the right domain felt like it had taken forever. In actual fact, it had been weeks. Possibly months. But that can feel like forever when you feel ready to go and are being held back by something like just the right name. Therefore, once the right name hit me, the desire to snatch it up, was irresistible. Of course, I did it. Couldn't help myself. Ignored that voice that said, "You know nothing about setting up a website." Did it anyway. Called a friend of a friend for some info. Spoke to another friend about possibly designing a header. Both of these people were helpful; they just weren't quite as helpful as I hoped. In other words, they really didn't have time for my project.

On the bright side, I did figure out how simple tabs are on blogger. On the not-so-bright side, the fact that it was so simple and I missed it, left me feeling even more worried about this site than before. It would have made me feel better had it been more complicated. The fact that a chimp would have figured it out more quickly was not encouraging.

Be that as it may, after hearing from several "computer" people about how wonderful various hosting sites are, I decided to go with the first one. That would be the one that I heard about from the friend of the friend. He, at least, returned my calls and I knew would help me out as much as he could. So, Tuesday evening I decided that there was no more putting it off. I have excellent ideas for this site. I just have to tinker with it in order to make them a reality. Wednesday was going to be magic. If it took me all day to figure out how to move it onto that host site, well that was what I would do.

Wednesday I woke up with a bone cracking migraine that lasted all day long. Nothing would break that sucker. I never made it out of bed. I sat up, pulled up my laptop and posted briefly that I was down for the count. Obviously my big plan for moving my site onto a hosting site didn't happen. Yesterday wasn't much better. I did my HERE'S TO YOU THURSDAY and went straight back to bed. I finally caught something of a break today (hence a "real" post). So, I went back and started reading what you folks have been writing and got stopped fairly quickly when I read Chris's post at A DELIBERATE LIFE. She was talking about finding the fire (her motivation) to really step up her efforts in her weight loss goals. She has lost so much and gotten a bit too comfortable. She isn't where she wants to be, but she has gotten too comfortable.



It made me think about me and my need to find the fire with my domain site. I am not a bit comfortable. I kind of have the opposite problem. We both are treading water for different reasons. I am thinking about my site, coming up with great ideas, reading books on non-profit organizations, etc. I can't say that I am not "working" on getting this idea off of the ground, but I am not moving into that place where I am really nervous. Make that scared. Really scared. Because I have no idea what I am doing. I, too, have to find that fire and go with it. Put it on a hosting site. Well, that can't be too painful. Stick a page up indicating it is under construction and then tinker around. Eventually I am bound to backdoor my way into something that works. Sadly, that is pretty much how I roll. Pretty much every successful thing I have done on the computer has been totally by accident. I figure this site will probably be a lot like that.

If that doesn't make sense to you, it could also be compared to my driving skills. I was a sales rep who had a fairly large territory in eastern GA and western SC. Before that job, I was terrified of getting lost. It would cause massive anxiety attacks. I got lost so often on that job that I stopped getting them. It became a daily occurrence. I had to account for my time as a new sales rep and every day I had a various amount of time spent "lost." Sometimes it was several hours. My manager would call me when he got these reports. "You were lost two hours yesterday? What was up with that?" I would launch into this detailed description of where I wanted to go, where I ended up, how I tried to retrace my steps, where I then ended up, how I was late for my appointment, etc. We only had this conversation once and he no longer called. He just accepted my time spent "lost" as me truly being lost.

However, the awesome thing about being lost was that I found stuff. New accounts that I didn't know where there. Shortcuts to places as I began to recognize road names. Most importantly, north, south, east, and west stopped being something on a map, and began to actually mean something to me. You would think that should be obvious. Let me tell you: it wasn't. And driving is so much harder when you truly cannot comprehend NSEW. A whole new world opens up when you do. When something moves from theoretical to practical it changes your LIFE. And that is what being lost did for me. That... and no more anxiety attacks. Well, until I started forgetting how to get where I was going when I should know. But that is memory loss and NOT being lost. Two totally different things.



Back to this website business and finding the fire. I have spent the last few years trying to avoid stress because it causes migraines. In some ways, amping up your life, testing your limits, finding the fire is stressful. So, my natural reaction now is to step back. Move away. However, if I don't dig down just a little and find the fire to get this site on a web hosting site than I am in idle. My project is in idle. It is all well and good to have wonderful ideas. Ideas that can change the world. But, if they never leave your head they don't DO anything. They don't CHANGE anything.

Chris has lost over 100 pounds. She looks beautiful. Her head is in a good place. She can do things with her kids. She is healthy. If she decided that she was happy with her weight right now, no one could argue. Drop in on her page. Look at her. She is gorgeous. However, she has not met HER goal weight. And that is what matters. She set a goal and she intends to meet it. To do that she says that she has to find that fire she had at the beginning of her journey.

The reason that I love Chris's blog is that whatever she writes about, be it weight loss or life, is applicable to anything in my life at any time. There is always crossover value if I am open enough to see it. Right now, I need to find the fire just to get my domain name onto a host server. Then I am going to have to find the fire to keep plugging away at figuring out how to make that site do what I need it to do. I have faith in the rest of it. I have faith when I send you people the email about the need for the doctor info that you will give me what you know and will move the email along. And that email will keep moving and my inbox will be overflowing. I don't worry about that part at all. It is the website building that makes me feel faint. Paralyzed. So this finding the fire business isn't a one-time event. It is a life event. Over and over we have to dig deep and find the fire. Things happen that seem too much, too overwhelming, impossible, etc. Or maybe you know that they are possible, but you are just too tired. You have been at this for a long time and tried so many different things and none of them have worked right yet. That is when it is most important that you find the fire.

As an aside, life doesn't make this whole fire business easy. My laptop found its own sort of fire via a virus, and is currently residing with the computer fix-it people. My cursing veto went right out the window, and I made excellent use of the f-bomb in every possible context. Noun. Verb. Adverb. Adjective. I was very prolific about the whole thing. It is only going to cost me $100 that I don't really have to get it back. Yippee. So, I will have to find my fire on one of my parents' computer or wait until Monday to find it on mine.

START ME UP

I think it must be the month of June. In my mind, it is the first month of summer. When I was a kid, school didn't let out until June. Now, kids get out in May, but when I was in school, we usually didn't get released from our parochial prison until June. So, I am thinking that it is June that is at work here.



What am I going on about? I am talking about the desire to kick back and laze around for three months. It was a pattern that you adjusted to for twelve years (and maybe more, depending upon how long you matriculated through the system). There was that initial rush when you breathed in freedom when they threw open the doors on that last day of school, and you knew that the next three months of nothing were yours for the taking. Nothing ran the gamut of playing with your friends, to splashing around in the pool, to family vacations, or weeks at camp. Nothing was fun. Nothing was sleeping in until noon.

It turns out that we long for that lifestyle even after it passes us by. So, June rolls around and subconsciously we long to do nothing once more. For three months. Instead, we write blogs about getting our butts into gear and getting back onto that diet. I read a riveting blog today about writing. It was from someone completely new to me. I was diverted there by another blogger who was also fairly new to me. She cut right to the chase. If you are a writer. You write. Every day. And stop using language that suggest that you are just playing at it. It was strong stuff. Basically, it was a real kick in the pants. I read another blog about a mommy who was going to get her act together and finally get that baby book done, even if she had to lock herself in the basement with every scribbling she could find on her kids' big moments!

I bet you're asking yourself what is going on at my house? Besides not sleeping in the middle of the night. Well, I have made tremendous progress on my novel and have broken through that writer's block on The End. I did suck it up and motored through it. I grappled with the fact that it would require some fairly major editing in the middle, but so it goes. This is the first novel I am actually going to complete start to finish. The fact that I made some mistakes... Well, big shock. The fact that it will need to be edited? Not surprising. Once I came to grips with that, mentally it got much easier. I settled into it and it began to flow again. So, I am back to it.

On other fronts.... I met with an attorney and I do qualify for a chapter 7 bankruptcy. Not exactly how I pictured my life going, but I need to reduce my bills for my dad, and that will be a huge help. The irony is that it comes to about $700/mo, but it is just more than he can afford on social security. My credit report was pulled to see if there were any "surprises." Nope. But I do have a credit score of 932. Can you imagine? I am filing for bankruptcy with a credit score of 932. Isn't that hilarious????? Life is full of irony.

One last thing.... the website that takes SSD cases is finally taking mine. They have a 98% success rate. They do it all. You don't have to fill out any forms. Nada. They handle all of the info with you by phone and fill out a lot of the paperwork by pulling your doctor records. They also file all of your claims. You just have to sign them. You also don't pay them unless they win your case. The thing is that most people don't win until the final claim, which requires hiring an attorney. It is the same pay percentage that these folks charge, and they are doing all of the work. It is a blessing. The biggest thing will just be getting the Medicaid, to get the health insurance, to get all of the doctor visits paid for, and all of the testing I need, etc. Anyway, I don't want to be on it forever. I just want it long enough to get better. So cross fingers, toes, send up prayers, and all the rest.


It might not look like much is going on here, but things are moving along. What is it like at your house? Do you need a kick in the tush or are you a busy bee already?