N is for Not Afraid

A friend of mine emailed me with some comments on the last blog. She indicated, once again, that I am much funnier in bullet points than I am in paragraphs. I think it is because I have a sarcastic personality and you can't really get a good jab in with a paragraph format. It is only in bullet points can you sink one. I am a real fun one at parties, too. Nothing out of me and then *BAM* I nail the sarcastic jolt when least expected. Of course, my friend had a few other comments. I think I shall address those and anything else that comes to mind in bullet points, since I am insanely funnier that way.

• She says that I shouldn't have laughed at H-Girl when she said she was "all about the learning." That sort of behavior on my part is likely just to make the kid angry at me.
• I say that the kid needs someone to call her out on her crap. She needs to know that she isn't snowing me like she is other people. Kids don't respect people they think they are manipulating. I want her to know that I have her number. 'Nuff said.
• My friend also indicated that blogger had this nifty bullet point program. Peeps, I am utterly lost on a computer. Hand to God.
• My mother used to tell me daily when I was a kid that I would lose my head if it weren't attached to my shoulders.
• What does this have to do with anything?
• Well, I know that there are some of you who think I should just learn how to do the design on my website. You are thinking, "It can't be that hard."
• I thought like that, too, for about three hours after I bought the domain name and my web hosting site. Into the fourth hour, I very nearly chucked my laptop out the window.
• Eventually I called the 24-hour 800 number help line to get them to put up a page indicating my site was under construction because I could not figure out how to write that on a BLANK PAGE and put that up.
• Yes, it is that bad. And that is where the head and shoulders business figures in.
• I tell you that and I share you this thing about the bullet points for this reason: I have been on blogger for over a year and didn't know that in the menu bar that it would create bullet points for me.
• Right now I am looking at the quotations and I can't figure out by sheer reasoning what that will do if i click on it. Clearly it will do something regarding quotations, but what? what? what?
• It should be obvious, but it isn't.
• It's hard to believe right now that I graduated with a liberal arts degree from college, isn't it?
• I know. I am having trouble digesting it, too.
• On Saturday night, we went to the pizza place for food and karaoke.
• Our usual karaoke guy wasn't there because his band was playing somewhere so some friends of his were filling in. This was a new experience for us.
• Not so much for them. They have their own business and their own equipment.
• Once again, too many kids were singing for our taste. Pretty much any kids are too many because most can't sing. They scream or talk into the microphone and it is monotone.
• However, the kicker this past Saturday was that there were only 8 people on the sheet to sing, but the teenagers took over every time it came to them. How did they do this? They sang solo, they sang duets, they sang trios.
• Three girls managed to hog the microphone for forty minutes every time the rotation got back to them.
• So, we we were there for three hours and sang three times. You do the math on that one. Eight people. Three hours. Everyone should have gotten to sing a lot.
• We almost didn't sing that third time because my mom was tired of listening to teenagers and kids scream into the microphone. The lady came around with the sheet to get our song to speed up the process, and my mom asked how far out we were. Turns out two kids were ahead of us, one of whom was singing.
• At that point, I was in favor of waiting and singing. We were there for three hours and had only been able to sing twice. Mom was ready to go, and said something about there being too many kids.
• I knew that was a pointless drum to beat. When you go to karaoke at a restaurant, there will be kids.
• The lady said if you want no kids you should go to a place that is over 21, and she was right.
• I said that the real problem was letting small groups of people monopolize the microphone. It was not right. It would be like me singing, my mom singing, me and my mom singing, my mom and another friend singing, the other friend singing, me and the other friend singing, me, mom and the other friend singing. We could tie up the works for forty minutes just like you have let those girls do all night, but we haven't.
• She didn't like what I said, but she admitted that it was a mistake and wouldn't be happening again.
• Now, would it not be happening again because I said something, or would it not be happening again, period?
• I got a nasty comment from the guy running the machine about being impatient to sing when he called me up.
• That tells me that even though the woman was very gracious to me, and admitted that I was right, she didn't relay it back that way to her partner.
• Most people just leave and don't come back if they don't like something. My mom said that if she finds out that our regular karaoke guy isn't going to be there, we will rethink going there in the future. And that was after I said something.
• People don't like confrontation. I didn't like it when I was married. My ex made it so uncomfortable that I eventually stopped speaking out about what I did and didn't like. What is and isn't acceptable.
• I am not doing that anymore. It is unacceptable to hog the microphone at a karaoke joint. I will tell you nicely. You can make one jab at me, but not two. And if it keeps happening I won't come back.
• I guarantee you this: for every one person who tells how it is, there are twenty who are thinking it and just not coming back. Be grateful for that person who speaks out.
• And if you are someone who is afraid to speak out, try it. It feels so good. It if is your truth, then it isn't wrong to say it. It is never wrong to speak honestly and from your heart.
• Trust me on this: the worst thing in the world is losing the ability to speak your own truth.
• The first Marshall Mathers song I listened to was Not Afraid. It was what hooked me on Eminem. The song is about not being afraid to do what you need to do, speak your truth, be yourself.
• Before you say that you hate rap or hip hop, know what you are talking about. I thought that I hated it, too. I hated it BEFORE I listened to it. It is dangerous to make those kind of calls. And it is also dangerous to hate an entire genre of music, because you never know when a specific piece of music will jump out and hit you where you live. Just sayin'.
• My mom has been watching OWN (the Oprah Winfrey Network) and loving it. Apparently, there was something on there about the new Oreo cookie. It is a regular Oreo covered in chocolate.
• I couldn't quite follow if it was on one of the shows or if it was a commercial... Anyway, the entire family sans the mom are sitting around the table eating these cookies and talking in Martian about them. (In other words, my mom had no idea what they were saying.)
• Then the mom came in and she tried one and my mom tried repeating what she said. She kept at it until I figured it out. That was when I realized that the kids and hubs are talking in modern day slang. I hated to break the news to mom that the family were not taken over by aliens.
• What was the giveaway phrase, you ask?
• Shut the back door!

photo found at www.weheartit.com

The Pieces of Me

This is just a quick heads up that I am not dead. Also, I do plan to return to blogland. I just need to get my head together first. Everything still feels somewhat staticy up there. I did make the decision to get busier with my email campaign for my non-profit. So, I started going through my friends on facebook and writing down email addresses. I got tired about the time I hit the "Bs." That might not sound like a lot, but I have quite a few friends. I even went so far as to send out the email. And I sent to everyone already on the list.


Chris, over at A Deliberate Life, talks all of the time about how much of this living this is a head game. If you are not reading her blog, I have to tell you that you are missing out. But, there are some people who always miss out. Heck, I know that there are some really awesome blogs being posted right now that I am missing out on. I may backdoor into them someday... lol. I digress. Anyway, you can only do what you can do, but you probably can do more than you think you can. Or maybe you need to push yourself into doing more than you think you can. Or if you can do anything at all, do something important. I am not really sure what I am saying here, but I just decided that my time out of bed today was going to be spent writing down email addresses and sending out the email for my non-profit. And if I only could do it for 30 minutes, 40 minutes, one hour. Whatever. It was all better than nothing. It's a head game. And I need to get back in it if I want to win it.


Yeah, this whole thing with my dad had knocked me right on my ass. I am not going to lie to you and tell you different. It has. Just writing that sentence made my eyes fill up. I think about him all the time and I cry. I keep thinking about that line from Grey's Anatomy when George's dad died from cancer and he says, "I just can't imagine a world without my dad in it." I may not have gotten that quote exactly right, but it is close enough. I keep telling myself how lucky I am... how I had my dad in my life longer than SO many people. That I had a dad who loved me and I knew it, etc. But, here's the thing: this is one of those landmark times of your life. From this point forward, it will be events that happened before my dad died and after my dad died. Sort of like BC and AD on the Christian calendar. I am not suggesting that my father was the Messiah for those of who going into shock. I am just saying that this is one of those HUGE events in my life that changes everything. Before college. After college. Before I was married. While I was married. After I got divorced. Before my dad died. After my dad died.


I might be closing in on someone to design my webpage. Yay. I keep throwing out that net. I figure eventually something is going to come back.


My crush on Marshall Mathers is still alive and well. That really isn't pertinent to anything. However, I thought someone might want to know.


I reconnected with my best friend from college, Jennifer, after not speaking since 1999. Turns out that there were some misunderstandings there and we aired out a lot of stuff. It felt really good. Tracy is so right about pushing love toward a situation. That always makes it better. I think that maybe we are going to be okay. I realize that I have slowly, but surely, been pulling my friendship family back together. They are still scattered all over the globe. However, I am reconnecting with my family of choice. It has been ongoing process over the last year or so. It feels really good.


I know that I have been a really lousy blog reading friend. I am still reading your posts catch as catch can. I have been a terrible commenter (that translates into not commenting at all). However, I am working my way back into a place of being able to read your posts with a joyful heart. Not quite there yet. When I get there, my regular Thursday posts will come back online.


Don't give up on me. I am putting the pieces of me back together.

Are Ya'll Ready For This?

Yesterday I had my "mental" appt. There were plenty of reasons to get anxious about the appt itself. My parents are out of town. That alone is cause for a meltdown. A friend of mine drove in to drive me to the appt since my parents were gone, and my aunt and uncle had a dental appt. Life is nuts. Yeah, I just wrote that. I am talking about crazy doctors and I said that. Anyway, I talked to one of you about this appt and it really helped (you know who you are). I took your advice and went in there and was me. That meant I only melted down in crying jags three times. I suppose that means the appt went well. You said to be honest and tell them how I feel when they asked the questions. Well, when they start asking about my pain, quality of life, and other stuff like that... I feel pretty good that I only broke down three times in retrospect. It helped that the main person asking the questions is a migraine sufferer. No one understands migraine pain like another person who has migraine pain. Her parting words to me were that I should be on SSDI with the severity of my migraines and bonanza of other problems. She also encouraged me to not give up if they deny me on this first rodeo. So, it was as good a first appt as I was gonna get. I prayed that God let the doctors see my situation as it really was and I feel like that happened. I can't ask for any more than that.

My appt with the regular doctor is after my parents get back in December. I will let you know how that one goes when it happens. I am going to do my best not to worry about it and pray the same way about it. I just want the doctors to see this whole mess as it really is. I don't want a hand out. I want some help up. And, eventually, I want to clean house. But it is all one day at a time.

Speaking of house cleaning... I spent some quality time with customer service on the phone. That would be the hosting service for my website. The fellow understood how ill-equipped I was to fix this problem, so he put up a page indicating my page was Under Construction. It also has my new email address on it. Now, I just need to find someone interested in my project and my site to design it. I am actively praying about that starting now. This thing needs to be a database with code to run a zip code search. That will likely be the most difficult part of the whole deal. The rest of it is just the pretty. There will be other pages that I will want to look nice. There will need to be links and all that jazz. But, the database deal is probably the toughest thing because it is specific and that code for the zip code thing is specific. Of course, lots of sites have it, so it isn't a big mystery; it is just specific. Yeah, if I use that word one more time, even I will puke. Done with it.

Anyway, there is a lot to be thankful for here, in spite of this mind splitting migraine that just won't get lost. Yeah, it is still lingering like a stalker boyfriend. Speaking of which, remember Flash? Well, check this! I don't think I ever gave you guys the full scoop on Flash. If you're confused right now, he is the last boyfriend... the cheater and the one who stole my medication. He was really bad news. I could get into even more bad stuff that he did, but I really want to move along in this story. Anyway, after I broke things off with him, and he swore he would never date again, because I was his one true love, he met someone inside of a week, and there were kissing pictures on his myspace inside of ten days. Yeah, some people move on faster than they think they will. Besides that, he was a cheater, he probably had a little something something going on the side already anyway. Moving on...

He convinced THAT GIRL to marry him. I about fell out when I saw that come through on his announcements on myspace. That happened (also) very fast. I suppose he wanted to seal the deal quick. You know, before she figured out who he REALLY was. You stick with someone long enough and you're bound to see beyond the flash and dazzle and all that. All that glitters isn't gold. This guy glittered. Man he knew how to put the shine on... I do remember it well. *sigh* Underneath all that shine is a big ole pile of crap.

Anyway, I logged into myspace a couple of days ago after not going there in forever, and saw that there was a message from Flash. Honestly, I was shocked. After we split, I didn't read his email. But we had been apart so long that I felt like this one was safe. Turns out that it was not from Flash at all; it was from Flash's wife. She must have sent it out to all of the women on Flash's myspace. It was a general announcement letting all of the girls know that she and Flash were through. Kaput. Getting a divorce. She was not so subtly making a grand announcement that he was back on the market. She didn't exactly say, "And let the bidding begin..." but she might as well have. It made me think of that old Shania Twain song WHOSE BED HAVE YOUR BOOTS BEEN UNDER. Oh, Flash, it looks like you did it again. Swing, batter, batter, batter, Swing, batter, batter, batter, Swing! I am just glad that I moved and he doesn't know where I live. I feel very thankful. Life is good.

This song goes out to Flash's wife. I would have told you what kind of man he was, but you wouldn't have believed me. I am sorry you had to experience that. You will know better next time. You got some painful schooling. I know. Been there. Done that. He teaches a tough curriculum.




image found at www.weheartit.com