Monday, October 25, 2010


Dear Reflection In the Mirror,

This is the last of the letter series and it is one to me from me. I really don't think it is meant to be all about what I see when I look in the mirror, but I guess we can use that as a jumping off point and see what happens. You still need to do something about your hair. Of course, that problem is now really a problem. Once again, a new medication has caused your hair to fall out like you're a cancer patient. For the record, I am not a cancer patient. I would be suffering from severe anxiety about this, except it happened before, and it does thicken back up. Slowly. Very. Very. Slowly. Compared to the other side effects I am dealing with the hair loss is relatively minor. Yeah, I am getting off that medicine. I will get the pain back that the medicine relieved; it seems like this whole thing is always about trades. Trade this pain for that pain. So, I am not going to pay much attention to my hair right now. I am going to imagine it the way I want it to look. That feels much better to me.

In fact, I have been doing a great deal of visualization lately. I am a firm believer that in order to get what you want, you have to be able to imagine yourself living that life. In your mind's eye, you have to be fully there. So, in my visualizations I am a healthy person who lives within the parameters that I need to in order to sustain a healthy life. The fact that I don't know what they are is irrelevant. I just know that I do it. My website is successful. People have come into my life as needed in order to make that project come together. There is a board of directors who share the vision. Everyone does their part for the whole to be successful.

I am still reading Peter Drucker's book on Managing the Non-Profit Organization. I recommend that you buy a copy of this so that you can reread it as many times as needed. You can't just continue to check it out from the library indefinitely. In fact, I think you will refer to this frequently over the next few years. Non-profits differ from other businesses in so many ways, but the biggest is that they don't sell anything. Its product is a changed human being. You can't sell that on ebay. When you are starting up, all you have are ideas. You fundraise like crazy and ask people to trust you that you can change a human being if they will support you with their money and/or time. I look in the mirror and think "not yet, but it will be here before I know it."

I was reading the aforementioned book yesterday and stumbled across this: "The non-profits are human change agents. And their results are therefore always a change in people - in their behavior, in their circumstances, in their vision, in their health, in their hopes, above all, in their competence and capacity. In the last analysis, the non-profit institution, whether it's healthcare, or education or community service, or a labor union, has to judge itself by its performance in creating vision, creating standards, creating values and commitment, and in creating human competence. The non-profit institution therefore needs to set specific goals in terms of its service to people. And it needs constantly to raise these goals - or its performance will go down."

I wrote that down in my notebook when I found it. I ended up with a hand cramp. Turns out that was the most writing I have done all in one sitting in a long time. I haven't even filed the papers yet to become a non-profit, but I know that is where I am going. I also know that I need an attorney to wade through that muck, and I have no idea where to find one. I am trusting that it is one of those things I will stumble upon. Right now, getting my website onto a host site is taking precedence. I think I about have that nailed down. I wrote down the email by hand today. I am sure I will tinker with it a bit. I bet you're wondering how all of this fits into my reflection? It is how I see myself and where my life is going.

That paragraph from the book was huge. It felt huge to me. The non-profit is a human change agent. It does all sorts of things, but above all else it must help people in terms of their competence and capacity. As someone who has been chronically ill, I felt the force of that statement hit home. Wham. When you are unable to take care of yourself and/or your family, it is decimating. Not only do you physically feel bad, but mentally you shatter. Your competence is gone and your capacity to be effective is gone. When I hit that place, I mentally referred to myself as a "waste of space." I was a financial drain on anyone who loved me and the world would have been better off without me. Yep. That was where I was living. Competence and Capacity. People must have these two things. The non-profit is not doing its job if these two needs are not being met.

I don't see myself that way anymore. I know that I needed to feel those things in order to understand those feelings. I needed to live where the people are living that are chronically ill. I needed to know the illness on all levels. If you don't know that, you can't help nearly so well.

I read over the comments from yesterday's letter. Thank you to all who commented. It has occurred to me that H-Girl might gain a lot of insight from this project. While her father will not let her live with me, he is always happy to hand them off for the summer. When this thing gets off the ground and my summers are spent on the road fundraising and/or building houses for chronically ill people... well, that would be an eye-opening experience for her. It would also give me the time that I need to have her see things from a different perspective.

As for you loyal readers, if you know anyone who is a non-profit attorney who works pro bono or for seriously very little money, send that person my way. Also looking for someone who knows various things about building a website. Yeah, I can use some help there.

This letter is kinda sorta all over the place. Well, I guess that tells the tale!

You're Nuts, But In A Good Way,

P.S. And here is something fun for those of you who hung in until the bitter end....

image found at


  1. I'm impressed on so many levels. You wrote the 30 letters. You are chasing after something you believe in, and you are doing it in spite of your own condition. Go Robin.

  2. Dear Robin, what an absolutely inspiring and uplifting letter you have written yourself! With the positive attitude that you carry in your heart, you will truly go far.

  3. Wow, you are going to be an agent of change in others. Soo cool! Here I am selfish and just thinking about my hair.

    (Which looks REALLY bad right now!)

  4. I think that God allows us to go through things so we can figure out the compassion part of our journey. Great letter to yourself and keep praying and being intentional and things will come together...I just wrote a post about control.
    We are on the same wavelength me thinks.

  5. It's totally awesome what you are trying to do for others, hats off to you! I may just go get that book to read too. Bless you. You are an inspiration.

  6. Just so you know, it took me til today just to come here and read this. I was so torn between wanting to know what the last letter was all about (I had a feeling that it would be from you to you) and not wanting to see the whole project end.

    I think this letter to yourself was right on point. You're in a place where your vision of a non-profit is coming to fruition a little bit more every day and that's just fantastic. You have realistic goals and the heart behind them to actually make them a reality.

    I so understand about the meds. I'm at a crossroads myself with a somewhat new med that is providing me better pain relief than any before it, but the side effects are becoming impossible to deal with. Not the first time this type of thing has happened in the last 10 years, but maddening just the same.

    Well, I'll miss the letters, but I'm so glad we met up through Java's blog hop. I can't wait to see how things continue to unfold as the weeks and months go forward. So for now at least.... Job well done, friend!

    Peace and Blessings,

  7. I would maybe have written a handful of those letters...

    I hope all is well with you, Ms Robin... :o)


  8. Robin we are alot alike I suffer from alot of the things you do migrains, anxiety, abuse, etc... this has been great reading all your letters so glad I found you so I could do it too I am learning alot about myself thanks for that..I know your going to do alot with your non profit organization and I will pray everyday it all happens I believe in my heart it will...Goodluck with everything...its been nice learning about you to.....


You can now add YouTube videos in your comments by copy/pasting the link. AND/OR you can insert an image by surrounding the code with this: [im]code[/im]. In the case of images, make sure that your code is short and simple ending with something like .jpg. If you want to use a pic from someplace like Google Images, click on the image, then click on View Image. That is the code you want!

Dazzle Me!