Friday, October 15, 2010


Dear Last Kiss,

I don't know where to begin with this letter. You came into my life shortly after Flash made his exit. I really wasn't ready to date anyone. However, I knew your mother and your sister from working my little part-time job, and your sister was really juiced about setting us up when she discovered I kicked Flash to the curb. Honestly, I was really looking forward to just being single. Despite all that, I agreed to meet you. And here is the thing: you were really nice. In fact, I am sure you are still really nice. In lots of ways, you are the ideal man.

You own your own home (no house payment). You own your own vehicle (no car payment). You are a supervisor at your company, and have worked there for 20 years approximately (steady job and can soon retire from there, even though you are in your early 40s). You have no kids and have never been married. You are nice looking. Seriously, there is nothing wrong with you. You smoke. That is the one fault I can pick at. You smoke. Other than that, I got nothing. However, you never smoke in the house or the car or around me. So, even that is weak.

Our biggest problem was there just wasn't any chemistry. That is a magical element that is just there or it isn't. I really wanted to "like like" you because you were the perfect guy. Seriously. I have never gone out with anyone who was more "together" than you. And there was absolutely nothing in the sizzle department. It didn't help that my mom's first comments were how much you reminded her of my brother. She was so right about that. That upped the weirdo factor enormously right off the bat. However, I was fairly determined to try and stick it out. My theory was that if you really liked someone maybe the chemistry thing would just suddenly kick in. I can't say that I proved or disproved that theory. However, I am leaning toward the idea that it doesn't work that way. You either got it from the start or you don't.

It didn't help that we really didn't have anything in common. Being with you reminded me just how important shared interests really are. It is terrible having to suffer through someone else's interests all of the time and vice versa. Having no common ground makes it really difficult to enjoy doing anything together. You spend 40% of your free time in an activity that you dislike (and that goes both ways). That is awful. Eventually, you just start begging off of the thing that they want to do and let them do it alone. And they do the same. You spend all of your really "fun" time with other people doing the things you really like to do. Well, that just sucks.

Honestly, I don't remember that last kiss. I really don't remember any of our kisses that well, because they just didn't set the house afire. Yeah, we are back to that whole chemistry issue again. What can I say? This relationship didn't last all that long. In fact, the part that I remember best was the ending, and that is only because it was so funny. You asked me for your garage door opener because the one you gave your mom wasn't working right. It was no skin off my nose, since I never used your garage door opener. I asked if you were going to come inside and watch some TV, which was usually the case if you came over. You declined. That was odd, but I really didn't think much of it. I then asked you to call me and let me know about your niece's delivery the next day. When I didn't hear from you, I called. You said that she and the baby were fine and got off the phone asap. I saw your sister the following day and she said that the baby was NOT fine and was in critical condition, and she was worried sick. Mind you, this was her grandson, and she was out of her mind with worry. It was at that moment, that I realized you had broken up with me by way of the garage door opener. The fact that I was fine with that, and actually laughed about it all the way home, indicates that you made the right choice. The only thing that bothered me was that you lied about the baby. I guess you REALLY didn't want to talk to me. When you are done, you're done. I'm glad that you think so much of yourself that you think I was gonna break down and beg you to stay. I suppose that is an indicator of a healthy self-esteem. Or an indicator that you don't know me well at all. Either way, it's turned out as it was meant to.

Still Chuckling About That Garage Door Opener,

image shaken down from Miss Angie at My So-Called Chaos


  1. The garage door opener?! Seriously, that's priceless...

  2. Robin: You are correct. It's all about chemistry. One does not learn magic. It is there, or it is not. In any event, if I were a young lady, I would never trust a guy who gives his mother first crack at the garage door opener.

  3. the garage door opener wow what a way to break up I would have laughed too..chemistry is so important if its not there a relationship won't last how could it..great letter.thanks for the chuckle about the garage door opener...

  4. oy.
    my last kiss before m husband waas a fantastic guy who could have been something had it not been for time and distance.
    I hope you are feeling good or better tomorrow.
    I got your message.
    I wasn't quite sure what you are looking or by hand. I cant do a dang thing digitally..and I am not too sure by hand. I haven't done anything 'finished' or professional. I have a lot of work to do before I get anything real big going.
    I wouldn't want to screw up your idea. Or tell you I can deliver something I am not sure I can deliver. I will be taking classes this coming year. I have no idea about design or concepts or creating a polished presentation.
    I can make calls and stuff though.
    Big hugs.

  5. He doesn't sound "ideal" at all! TV? You watched TV??? You were together, in the first stages of your love affair and watched TV? Sorry, weird.

    Had their been chemistry you would have been in trouble...someone who uses a garage door opener to break up is BAD NEWS!

    Actually, he sounds worst than the rest...bliax...After reading your letters and considering my own life experiences I think there's a lot to be said for cellibacy!


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