Let's Kick This Around

I've been a bit distracted by all of the Crazy in my world, so I haven't been keeping you up to speed on my other stuff. My Less Crazy. Or just Ordinary Stuff. Or even mildly interesting or even Somewhat Off The Wall Ideas that I sometimes get. Those are kind of fun.

I did determine from talking to my PCP that I am going to have to go back to my neurologist at the Headache Center. When I first saw him over two years ago, I thought he is *awesome.* That was back before I had good insurance and we couldn't actually do anything to implement any of his great ideas. Then, I actually got good insurance and he no longer thought they were good ideas. In fact, he said he no longer recalled even saying them. Uggghhh. I was hoping to change doctors when my SSD came through, but it turns out that there is nowhere to go. They are the PRIMO outpatient care facility for people with migraines, which is what I need. And when I say PRIMO, I mean ONLY. At least in this area.

So, I am trying to figure out how to make him think this is his idea all over again. Because it was. And can be again. I just really pissed him off a couple of times in the last couple of years with self diagnosis. Doctors don't like that crap. However, when you have a migraine for ten years, you kinda know it's a migraine. And when you have side effects to a medication and it's the only new thing, you kinda know it's that medication. They just don't like it if they prescribed it. I would think they would be used to being WRONG at some point. Guess not. So, I am working on this one. Planning and all.

Meanwhile, back when I was in group therapy for chronic pain they talked a lot about slowing down your breathing to help with the pain. So, I do that sometimes. Ironically, until you slow it down, and start breathing deeply, you don't realize what shallow, fast breaths you are taking. The other thing my therapist mentioned in our second session is not thinking about the pain at all. Imagining yourself somewhere else. Somewhere pleasant.

So, I was in the Think Tank yesterday thinking about the above stuff when I also started thinking about the TV show Fringe. I watch it on DVD, so I haven't watched this entire season... yet. Anyway, they do a lot with Fringe Science. Ta Da. That was a big reveal. It is actually one of the coolest shows on TV. Anyway, I started thinking about what if there was a way to facilitate this process of making a person focus on that pleasant place. Sometimes I get stuck because I get "hung up" on a detail. If I am in my childhood bedroom I can't remember where something is and it frustrates me. And then I can't maintain the "illusion." Or if I am at the beach I can almost smell the salt in the air, but not quite. I can't quite push past the pain in my head. But, what if Fringe Science hooked up an electrode of some kind into the memory area of my brain and stimulated it? And I could see/remember everything clearly, so clearly that it was truly like I was there. And then they were able to just barely tap the pleasure center of the brain during that memory the entire time I was under. Like the wisp of a brushstroke. For most migraine sufferers, if you could keep them under twenty minutes the blood vessels that constricted in the neck that caused the migraine would have had time to decompress. When they came out of it, the migraine would be gone.

Stress is the root of so many other health issues, I can't help but wonder what this sort of therapy would accomplish for heart patients, etc.

I just finished the last book of The Hunger Games trilogy, Mockingjay. By and large, I don't remember YA books being so good when I was that age. As always, I hate coming to the end of a series. Makes me a bit sad. Like saying good-bye to old friends.

And you say to me, "The characters were onions all the way through. Real or not real?"

Without hesitation, I reply, "Real."

Thank you Suzanne Collins for keeping it real.


image found on facebook

DAY 30: REFLECTION IN THE MIRROR

Dear Reflection In the Mirror,

This is the last of the letter series and it is one to me from me. I really don't think it is meant to be all about what I see when I look in the mirror, but I guess we can use that as a jumping off point and see what happens. You still need to do something about your hair. Of course, that problem is now really a problem. Once again, a new medication has caused your hair to fall out like you're a cancer patient. For the record, I am not a cancer patient. I would be suffering from severe anxiety about this, except it happened before, and it does thicken back up. Slowly. Very. Very. Slowly. Compared to the other side effects I am dealing with the hair loss is relatively minor. Yeah, I am getting off that medicine. I will get the pain back that the medicine relieved; it seems like this whole thing is always about trades. Trade this pain for that pain. So, I am not going to pay much attention to my hair right now. I am going to imagine it the way I want it to look. That feels much better to me.

In fact, I have been doing a great deal of visualization lately. I am a firm believer that in order to get what you want, you have to be able to imagine yourself living that life. In your mind's eye, you have to be fully there. So, in my visualizations I am a healthy person who lives within the parameters that I need to in order to sustain a healthy life. The fact that I don't know what they are is irrelevant. I just know that I do it. My website is successful. People have come into my life as needed in order to make that project come together. There is a board of directors who share the vision. Everyone does their part for the whole to be successful.

I am still reading Peter Drucker's book on Managing the Non-Profit Organization. I recommend that you buy a copy of this so that you can reread it as many times as needed. You can't just continue to check it out from the library indefinitely. In fact, I think you will refer to this frequently over the next few years. Non-profits differ from other businesses in so many ways, but the biggest is that they don't sell anything. Its product is a changed human being. You can't sell that on ebay. When you are starting up, all you have are ideas. You fundraise like crazy and ask people to trust you that you can change a human being if they will support you with their money and/or time. I look in the mirror and think "not yet, but it will be here before I know it."

I was reading the aforementioned book yesterday and stumbled across this: "The non-profits are human change agents. And their results are therefore always a change in people - in their behavior, in their circumstances, in their vision, in their health, in their hopes, above all, in their competence and capacity. In the last analysis, the non-profit institution, whether it's healthcare, or education or community service, or a labor union, has to judge itself by its performance in creating vision, creating standards, creating values and commitment, and in creating human competence. The non-profit institution therefore needs to set specific goals in terms of its service to people. And it needs constantly to raise these goals - or its performance will go down."

I wrote that down in my notebook when I found it. I ended up with a hand cramp. Turns out that was the most writing I have done all in one sitting in a long time. I haven't even filed the papers yet to become a non-profit, but I know that is where I am going. I also know that I need an attorney to wade through that muck, and I have no idea where to find one. I am trusting that it is one of those things I will stumble upon. Right now, getting my website onto a host site is taking precedence. I think I about have that nailed down. I wrote down the email by hand today. I am sure I will tinker with it a bit. I bet you're wondering how all of this fits into my reflection? It is how I see myself and where my life is going.

That paragraph from the book was huge. It felt huge to me. The non-profit is a human change agent. It does all sorts of things, but above all else it must help people in terms of their competence and capacity. As someone who has been chronically ill, I felt the force of that statement hit home. Wham. When you are unable to take care of yourself and/or your family, it is decimating. Not only do you physically feel bad, but mentally you shatter. Your competence is gone and your capacity to be effective is gone. When I hit that place, I mentally referred to myself as a "waste of space." I was a financial drain on anyone who loved me and the world would have been better off without me. Yep. That was where I was living. Competence and Capacity. People must have these two things. The non-profit is not doing its job if these two needs are not being met.

I don't see myself that way anymore. I know that I needed to feel those things in order to understand those feelings. I needed to live where the people are living that are chronically ill. I needed to know the illness on all levels. If you don't know that, you can't help nearly so well.

I read over the comments from yesterday's letter. Thank you to all who commented. It has occurred to me that H-Girl might gain a lot of insight from this project. While her father will not let her live with me, he is always happy to hand them off for the summer. When this thing gets off the ground and my summers are spent on the road fundraising and/or building houses for chronically ill people... well, that would be an eye-opening experience for her. It would also give me the time that I need to have her see things from a different perspective.

As for you loyal readers, if you know anyone who is a non-profit attorney who works pro bono or for seriously very little money, send that person my way. Also looking for someone who knows various things about building a website. Yeah, I can use some help there.

This letter is kinda sorta all over the place. Well, I guess that tells the tale!

You're Nuts, But In A Good Way,
Me


P.S. And here is something fun for those of you who hung in until the bitter end....




image found at www.weheartit.com

DAY 19: LETTER TO SOMEONE THAT PESTERS MY MIND

Dear My Big Idea,

You are taking up a lot of space in my head. I know that technically you are not a someone; you are more of a something, but you are BIG. Last night you woke me up four hours into my sleep with more ideas for a name. It has been really tough just nailing down a name for you. The name needs to encompass a broad spectrum of all the things that I can see you doing right now, and it can't be already taken by another business. Sounds easy, right? Not so much. I have a couple of pages of ideas for names. The ones I really like, I run through godaddy.com to see if they have been taken on the web. If they are free as a .com, .net, and .org (aka The Big 3), I feel much better about their availability as a business name. Pretty much every business these days also has a website. Last night I just kept writing variations on names I already had until I came up with this: Forging Hope For Wellness. It took nearly an entire page to get there, but once I did, it felt right. I turned off my light and went back to sleep.

I checked godaddy.com and it is available in all of The Big 3. What a relief that turned out to be. That isn't a sure thing on it not being a business for someone, but it makes the odds better. I have a link from a friend to check it out in the state of GA. What I really need is an attorney who specializes in non-profits and doesn't charge much of anything, since I don't have much of anything. That is me sending a rocket of desire out into the universe. (Wheee!)

I am still reading Peter Drucker's book on managing a non-profit. I do have my mission statement and feel good about it. Forging Hope For Wellness assists people in their journey from illness to wellness. Mr. Drucker says that your mission statement should be concise. It should also be something that anyone in the non-profit can say, and have it be true for them, from the volunteer to the President.

I spend a lot of time visualizing this project like it already exists. In my mind, the website is something that has already happened. It is full of doctor's names that people have emailed to us from all over the U.S. It all started with an email that I created asking people to send in the names, addresses, and phone numbers of doctors who 1) listen, 2) treat the root of the problem and not just the symptom, and 3) think outside the box. The site is looking for any and all kinds of doctors. That means traditional and non-traditional medicine. If you know of someone who has helped make someone better via acupuncture, we want their information. The site is looking for people who are interested in helping someone who is ill become well. In my mind, that email gets copied and pasted better than spam. It just keeps getting thrown like a net. Everyone knows someone who is sick. Even if you don't know of a doctor, you have 50 people on your email list and they might. Copy and paste. In my mind, the website takes care of itself. I write the email, and I post it here and all of you copy and paste, and sent it on your email. I send it on my email. Everyone emails. Done.

There are doctors who are invested in getting their patients well. Those doctors are the ones that NEED to be on this site. People need to know how to find them. People are misdiagnosed and undiagnosed. If this goes on long enough, they will lose their job. If they lose their job, they lose their health insurance. If they lose that, they eventually will lose their house. I call that falling through the floor. Ideally, someone will find this site and get help before they fall through the floor.

If they don't, well that is where I spend most of my time in my visualization. That is what pesters my mind. There are people all over the United States who have fallen through the floor. I am one of them. I was lucky. My parents caught me. There are a lot people who aren't so lucky. There was no one to catch them. They are sick and they are homeless. They can't even afford the prescriptions that were making their life somewhat bearable before they fell through the floor. They don't even know about our website, because they don't have computer access. They need help.

In my mind, I can see people hearing this, getting this, and sponsoring this site in order to really make a difference. In my mind, I visualize HGTV deciding to do something totally new for them and helping us build houses for these people. We, meaning me, will have to fundraise like crazy for it to happen. However, when people understand that they get to actually see where their money is going, it is a gamechanger. Most of the time when you donate money to something you don't get to see the results. When you donate your money to building a Hope House, you will get to watch it being built on TV, and be able to say proudly, "I had a hand in building that." When you watch the people move in who have been living on the streets, you will see the lives you are changing. You will be able to say, "I am making a difference in those people's lives." And it will be the truth!

I visualize this project going on for a very long time. I visualize the American people embracing this with love. I envision them supporting these houses with their time, service, and dollars. The goal with the houses is the same as the website. The mission never changes. It is to assist people in their journey from illness to wellness. When someone is well enough that they are able to move out, and go back to work, then someone else will get to move in. The job of aiding people in this journey is never-ending. There will always be more sick people than we have houses. Of course, it is my goal to have as many houses as possible. The more houses there are, the more people we can help.

This next part is for the readers of this blog if you are still awake...

If you believe in visualization, spend a little time each day visualizing this project, if it something you believe in. The more people who can get behind it and support it, the stronger it gets. If that came off as sounding crazy, let me say it another way ~ Jesus called it having faith. Faith is believing in something before it happens. By having that unwavering belief, it is certain to come to you. I have prayed about this and already thanked God for it in advance. Now I am living in a place of faith that it will come to me. The visualization is my active belief of what will come. My sharing the project with you further activates my belief in this project. Asking you to visualize it is yet one more step in solidifying my faith and belief that it will come to pass.

With Love,
Robin


image found at www.weheartit.com

DAY 5: YOUR DREAMS

Dear Me,

I am writing you this letter because your dreams may not come to fruition as quickly as you want them to, and you may need some inspiration to not let go of them and give up. You already did that once and the only thing that stopped you from moving in another direction was your mattress pulled out of storage. Such a small thing that created this huge medical setback. You spent nearly a year very angry about that setback. It wasn't until recently that it clicked in your head that the mattress put you back on course with your dreams. You wrote about that here.

Ever since you wrote that down, the dream has become clearer and clearer. Back in 2008, you had a logo that popped into your head, knew that it involved a website, and the goal was to help sick people who could no longer help themselves. They, like you, had run the doctor circuit for years and gotten nowhere. And they fell through the floor. Not because they were lazy or didn't try hard enough. They probably started out working. They had insurance and they got sicker and sicker. Eventually they couldn't work and their savings started going into doctors. Still, no one could help. Back then, you knew who you wanted to help. You just weren't exactly sure how. Worse yet, you knew it was likely going to be a non-profit organization that you were going to be founding (and you know nothing about how to do that) and creating a website (you can barely navigate this site).

So, when the dream popped out of the woodwork to smack you upside the head about ten days ago, it also brought clarity with it. You now know the name of the non-profit (assuming it isn't taken already), exactly what you want on the site, and the next two stages, after the site is up and running, and able to support itself. Now, you spend a bit of every day visualizing the site as it will be once it is fully functional.

I am writing you this letter because I know you. You have an idea and you want it now. Well, this isn't going to happen now. This is likely years away from fruition. And there will be people who will tell you that it just isn't realistic. Once you get well, you would be better off getting a sales job, which you know you are good at. That is true. I am good at a sales job and it would support me. But this dream will change the lives of hundreds of people. Maybe thousands. Is me taking the easy way and getting a sales job right when I know that I have been called to do this?

Even this... Blogger... you thought it was for your writing. When you first opened this account you had this crazy idea that an agent was going to read your writing and decide that you should be published. Don't you find that ludicrous now? Then you enjoyed reading other people's blogs as much as your own. It is like a community of friends with whom everyone shares their stuff. Whatever they want to share. Now, you see that even Blogger wasn't an accident.

This dream is all part of a Grand Design to make the world better. All you are is the catalyst. You thought that you were going to have to take college computer classes to do the website. That would have been you trying to do it all for quite a while. Now, you think you were meant to meet someone here who would do the computer design, because you are just never going to be good at that, and you will be partners in this venture. It will be your idea, but the work you will do together. You will be doing all of the calling and running stuff down for the site. And you will be sending out requests for information to your blog friends, like a net. And they will throw that net further. And this site that you thought would take a year to get off the ground... won't. Oh, and your Greek friend will make it possible for you to talk to someone about non-profits before you start this, so that you are able to set up this whole thing. Otherwise, you would be lost in that sea for a long time.

Your dreams are going to intertwine with the dreams of people you already know in person, and some that you have met here. This whole process has been like a chain bringing people together for good. Everything has a reason. With some of your friends, you can already see some sort of promise of what that reason might be. How they might fit into this, if they want to be a part of it. For others, maybe they will know someone who is ill and just needs help. It might be as simple as that. And as rewarding.

Don't give up on your dreams. They will happen when they are meant to happen. Continue to focus on your dream and visualize it so that it gains clarity.

Love,
Me


image nabbed from Miss Angie at My So-Called Chaos