Tuesday, October 19, 2010


Dear H-Girl,

I don't know how to make your world better. Your grades are not good. That is an understatement. Your grades are terrible. However, this is not a surprise. Your grades have been moving in a downward spiral for years. I have been telling your father that it is an unreasonable expectation for your math grade to improve when you still don't understand the math from the previous two grades. It all builds on the principles that were not learned in the preceding grades. The fact that you are unable to do the work is not a surprise to me at all. When your dad moved during this summer, changing school districts, I told him that this would be an excellent opportunity to allow you to repeat 5th grade without anyone knowing. You would already be going to a totally new school.

As usual, he didn't listen to me, and enrolled you in the 6th grade. So, you were not only in a new school district, but you were in middle school. A new school. Middle school. And you still didn't understand 4th grade math. Your reading skills were also hovering in the 4th-5th grade range, and everyone is puzzled about why you are failing in all of your classes. Everyone but me. I know why you're failing. You don't understand what you're reading in any of your classes and the math is WAY over your head.

This academic disaster is compounded by the fact that both of your brothers are "A" students. C-Man is so smart that your father is going to let him take the SAT in January just to see how he scores on it. He tested so well on something at his school that his teachers think that he will test as well as most seniors in high school. He is in the 7th grade. Therefore, it is not surprising that you dis C-Man at every opportunity. In fact, I get the sense that you try to make him feel left out on the sibling wheel. You and J-Man are the cool brother-sister act and C-Man is just not cool. It makes you feel better. Fortunately, I think that C-Man has a healthy self-esteem and can take your abuse.

However, it makes me wonder what is going on at your school. I ask your dad and he says that you aren't talking about school to anyone. Everyone has tried to get you to open up and they aren't getting anywhere. You won't talk about your classes, classwork, teachers, friends, nothing. The grades are telling the story about your classes. You are not getting it. I have gotten a glimmer of how you treat people that you feel threatened by (i.e. your brother) and that wasn't a pretty picture. I let you know that you could talk to me about anything, and we would keep it just between us. We sealed the deal with a pinky promise. However, I haven't heard anything from you.

All of this has me very worried. H-Girl, you are pretty, probably popular, and I've been on the receiving end of some of your hurtful verbal jabs. Please tell me that you aren't that mean girl that is slicing and dicing other girls in your class to make you feel better about you. My "mom" radar is buzzing very loudly that this is a strong possibility, and I am so worried for you. This will be a terrible burden to carry some day.

I love you. I really want my sensitive, sweet girl back.


image pillaged from Miss Angie at My So-Called Chaos


  1. This post made me sad. I always imagined (well, okay, I didn't have to imagine) that being on the bullied end of it when it came to school is the worst thing ever. But for the first time I get that being the parent of the bully is just as sucky. Kids who are bullies are afraid and they lash out at those they feel are weaker - and it must be heartbreaking to a parental figure who is trying as hard as you are, Robin, and still wonder if that's what's going on.

    I hope H-Girl grows out it, as you said, because being a bully is such a heavier burden than being bullied. And I hope she knows one day how much you love her.

  2. ah hon, someone needs to get in there and set a course correction soon. I don't know how that is going to happen. I hope her dad makes it happen.

  3. Her father can't see that she is in serious trouble and I can't get her to talk to me. I honestly don't know what to do...

  4. Robin: So much I would like to say, but you have as many answers as we all do. Tough times.

  5. That's so sad. I hope she wakes up and realizes she has a problem.

  6. You mentioned before that her biological mother is practically non-existent...perhaps this is her cry. Her shriek to the world to notice her. Has her father seen a counsellor? Not for her but for him to get advice? Does he REALLY care or is he just as indifferent as the biological mother? Or are you the only one who gives a damn? I don't think this is JUST about grades.

    This kid seems to have grown up way too fast, grown out of pinky promises. There is so much going on here. 1) Try to understand her 2) accentuate the positives. Surely there is something she likes. Maybe art or fashion or whatever, surely there's an interest you can tap into! 3) BE THERE! EVEN IF SHE KEEPS SHUTTING YOU OUT! Please be there! Hang in there...

    Someday, she'll remember the pinky promise.

  7. you had me in tears in that I believe you will get that sweet girl back...Her father probably is not giving her the help she needs just keep on praying that everything gets better, I know I will be hang in and it will..I am sure she is not that mean girl sounds like she just needs some love inher life and is not getting it from him...

  8. i'm sorry...nothing hurts worse than worry for our sweet ones. praying it works out for all of you.

  9. H-girl needs you desperately, even if she isn't going to share with you. Just being there is all you can do right now, and more of a gift than others seem to be offering ....


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