Tuesday, November 30, 2010


I have found several new blogs the way that I usually do... completely by dumb luck and accident. One or more of the bloggers is doing this Alphabet thing. Since my brain is having technical difficulties, this has its appeal. There is no specific topic, per se, except that I have to run with a thought for the day that starts with first letter of the alphabet, and the next day move on to the next. In other words, it might help me narrow the field. That actually struck me as helpful at this point in my blogging "career."

That would make today "A," and as life would have it, Abuse has been on my mind for weeks. I have blogged about abuse before. Several times. For those of you have followed this blog for a long time, this is not new news. For my newer followers, this might be somewhat interesting. I think that the last time I really tackled this topic was when I LOVE THE WAY YOU LIE came out. I will likely throw that one up again before we leave today. However, I want to revisit some old and new thoughts.

I know that abuse seems like a really terrible idea for the holidays. Not very cheery. The thing is that abusers don't take holidays. They keep right on abusing all year long. They don't take note that it is November 21 and Thanksgiving is coming up; their families (aka victims) would really like a reprieve for the holidays, so they turn it off. In fact, it is likely to get worse since the alcohol tends to flow at higher rate of speed right up until the New Year is rung in. Cheers everyone!

I think that the time I posted about abuse that shocked me most was after General Hospital did a storyline on teen abuse and ran a PSA after announcing that 1 in 3 teens were being abused. I about had to peel myself off the ceiling. I posted something on this blog and got a meh response. I was shocked. I am not sure you fine people believed me. Or maybe people just don't read my blog. Yeah, that sounds about right. I even posted a video showing the prevalence of teen abuse. It only lasted a minute. I am going to throw it back up here again and add another one. This crap is real. This is what our youth is learning from watching their parents and grandparents. Abuse. Our society is becoming more and more abusive. We are not becoming kinder and gentler. These are not the traits that our children are learning. 1 in 3. The numbers are telling the tale.

Abuse is something that people don't understand unless they have lived there. You just don't get it. Abusers are good. Very rarely do physical abusers start out swinging. They just about always start out as emotional and verbal abusers. They have to break the spirit of the person that they are abusing before they physically work on them. Once they have broken their spirit, they own that person. That person can't go anywhere. In fact, they don't have to physically abuse them, because they are so broken that they usually won't leave anyway. Emotional and verbal abuse is so insidious that you often don't even know it is happening. It eats at the foundation of your soul. At first you think, "He didn't mean it like that." Or, "She didn't mean it like that." Then, you begin to doubt yourself. We all have a negative tape loop playing in our head and when our spouse/parent/significant other lets us know that we don't make the grade it rots our self esteem. And that is just what they are going for, because they want you to think that you are unlovable. Only they will love you. So you better not leave because you are essentially unlovable. And if they start hitting and kicking at that point... well, how can you leave?

The travesty here is that teens are experiencing abuse. Teens. That means a person's FIRST relationship is likely to be an abusive relationship. Let that sink in. First love is often the most true love you experience. It might not work out, but it is still the most unsullied, pure love you have. That first love has a place in your heart that can never be filled by another. What happens when your first love is an abusive love? What happens when first love equals abuse? What happens when true love means cruel love? What does it do to your psyche when it isn't love if it doesn't hurt? I was already walking down this path when I found that song YOU'RE THE STORM by The Cardigans, which I think is super amazing. I loved it so much that I started listening to their other songs on youtube. Well, that led me to this song. It answered all of my questions about what happens if your first love is abusive love. It gave me chills. It made me hurt. Damage. It causes damage.

"Then it hit like me never before that love is a powerful force.... Love you're news to me... Yes, it struck me that love is a sport so I pushed you a little bit more. Blue, blue, black black and blue. Red blood sticks like glue..... Oh you hit me, oh you hit me really hard. Man you hit me right in the hard. Lord, I've had my deal, but I never quite knew how it feels when love makes you wake up sore with fists that are ready for more. Then it hit me that love is game. Like a war no one can be blamed. Yes, it struck me that love is a sport, so I pushed you a little bit more....True love is cruel love....Baby you punched me right in the heart and then you kissed me. And then you hit me. And then you kissed me. And then you hit me."

Well, I picked through the lyrics, but you get the idea. I was amazed that some people thought that this song was not abuse in the comments on youtube. They said things like, "I think this is all metaphorical." Metaphorical for what? But I didn't go there. No point fighting a verbal war with someone who can't think.

Why do I keep posting about abuse? Because if 1 in 3 teens are being abused, you probably know one of them. Open your eyes. Pay attention. If you are around teenagers, look for the signs of abuse. You are probably not looking because you are not expecting to see it. I am sad to tell you that it is there. They have been watching the rest of the world go straight to hell in a handbasket, and decided to take the trip. I am going to repost Marshall Mather's most excellent video I LOVE THE WAY YOU LIE. It is so honest about abuse. It is not pretty. The lyrics are ugly. The situation is ugly. Abuse is hard to look at, but we all need to look at it. Look hard so that you recognize what you are looking at when you see it.

Here is another cold, hard fact. It takes, on average, a battered woman 7 attempts to leave her batterer. That means it takes some women more attempts and some women less. That is a lot of attempts. In other words, leaving is beyond HARD.

image found at www.weheartit.com


  1. Society can't have it both ways. Either you punish the abuser, or you make excuses. Either the abuser is a criminal, or the abuser is sick. We can't have it both ways.

  2. "Well, you say your love is bona fide; but that don't coincide with the things that you do ...." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b0l3QWUXVho It's confusing and damaging and truly life-altering ... people SHOULD be paying more attention ....

  3. I think one of the things is a woman remembers the good of the man; those seductive moments or when they are trying to make up for an abusive time. You get used to them and remember those good times and can believe you are the one making it worse and everything seems reasonable.

    At least that's how I remember the X-Army Ranger and those 5 years with him.

  4. My daughter had a friend who had a boyfriend who gave her a black eye. This friend wanted my daughter to get in a car and go to a dance with her and a few friends with this boyfriend driving.
    She said no. She didn't want to get in a car with a guy who couldn't control himself. Things like this make me proud but sad. Sad that it is happening and some girls aren't given the tools to deal with it.

  5. You are right. We cannot understand it unless we have been in it. And no, it's not as simple as it seems. I think it has as much to do with the the one being abused as the abuser...but I can sit on my high horse and say that about a topic that I can only comment on academically and not from personal experience.

  6. One of my best friends had an abusive first love. It scarred her emotionally, so much that she always dated crappy men. Then proceeded to marry one. I let her know that I did not approve and wanted better for her before she married this jerk. It almost cost the friendship at the time, but as she gets closer and closer to really leaving him- we get closer as friends. I am starting to see what she was meant to be without losers in her life and it is beautiful.

  7. Confession time ....a long time ago and when I had not yet learned life's lessons I was the victim of an abuser in a relationship. I lived with him for almost two years and believed I deserved the beatings. It sounds crazy but it's true, ask anyone who has been in that situation. I was crazy about this man in spite of it all and it took some very good friends to help me realise I shouldn't put up with it and also help me get away from him. Abuse goes on far more than you would realise and I hope lots of people have read your post today.

  8. Excellent post my friend. I may join you in this venture...

  9. Yeah...this world is so messed up and getting worse. But if you dare say that to some people, you "have a bad attitude" or "are such a negative person". It's horrible what you write about, but the fact that you wrote it is a breath of fresh air to me. I get so tired of living in a world where people can't acknowledge terrible things do happen.
    Ugh...how sad...


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