Friday, September 17, 2010


Dear Operator,

I can't believe that I am writing this, but if you actually show some follow-through on what we were talking about last night, I am going to have to change your name on here. I questioned my judgment for the last two days on agreeing to be your "date" to the George Strait, Reba, LeeAnn Womack concert in Columbia last night. However, you had really good seats and it was George Strait and Reba and I fell prey to their siren call. Seriously, when am I going to get that chance again? George Strait and Reba???? Granted this bit of good fortune only dropped into my lap because your girlfriend was all xoxoxo one day and I want my space the next. And she went from taking a break to a break-up. I even took the high road when you first suggested that I go and said you should take Pete, but he was already going. So... I caved.

Do you remember when I tried the explanation on the phone, prior to the show, of what I think happened? I told you that I think she was upset about one or more things that you were doing or not doing, so she dropped small opportunities for you to change your ways... and you didn't. Each time that you didn't, she decided that you couldn't change. So she decided for you that it was impossible for you to change and made the decision that it was over. And now she isn't telling you what those things are because she doesn't want to argue about them. If she doesn't tell you, then there is nothing on the table to discuss (argue about). It is actually very smart. I wish I had employed that technique with you when we were married. Well, maybe not. It is one thing to be married to someone and another thing to be dating someone.

Here is the thing that you said that still has my ears ringing today: "Her mom said when we started dating that we were both carrying around a lot of relationship garbage. She said that we should both see a therapist separately to work out our issues if we wanted this relationship to last. I wish that we had listened to her." You could have hit me upside the head with a 2x4. I had to drag your butt to therapy, and when I got you there, you never could admit that anything that happened was your fault. I am thinking of calling this girl The Genie because she seems to be magical. Or her mother is. Whatever.

I said, "Well, Operator, it isn't too late to go to therapy. You are wishing you had done it because you think it might have made the difference in that relationship. Maybe it would have. Well.... you blew it. You didn't do it. You can either go now and save your next relationship or you can not go and blow that one, too. Who knows? Maybe The Genie will decide that she misses you and will check on you and you will be able to tell her that YOU are in therapy. Maybe it will inspire her to do the same. Maybe it won't. Therapy is all about making you a better person. You can't do it for her. You have to do it for you." I am saying this again because I don't think you memorized it in the car. We were in the parking garage and you were looking for a parking space. In other words, you were distracted and I thought my wisdom was fairly top-notch.

There are too many reasons to name that our marriage fell apart. One of them was that you were all talk and no action. You excelled at telling me what I wanted to hear, but there was zero follow-through. Another one was that so much of your talk was very hurtful and mean. It is painful to go through therapy. You have look at all of the stuff that you have done to others that wasn't nice. You will oftentimes find the root of that in stuff that was done to you that wasn't nice. None of it is pleasant. It all hurts like being stung over and over by bees. It takes a lot of courage to walk into that room, week after week, and be willing to look inside at all of the stuff we'd rather just bury and forget. However, if you can do it, you will be a better Everything to all of the people in your life. I hope you can do it.

I sure am tired of calling you The Operator.

Throwing Out Hope,

Dear Mr. Electric,

I rarely think of you anymore. When I first moved back here, I thought of you all of the time. Hoping, and wishing, and dreaming that you would decide that you loved me, too, and you would reappear into my life. Well, that didn't happen. You are still in the wind. Boy, that really hurt. Really bad for about six months. Maybe more. I decided that I could sit and let that pain be my home or I could make a decision to let it go. It turns out that letting go of people works just the same as forgiveness. You just have to focus on the desire to let go. So, that is what I did. For the first few days, I focused on that really intensely. And then I stopped putting any energy into it at all.

I used to check MySpace almost daily, just to see if you maybe sent me a message, or if I could tell what you were doing by your page. After I did my focus of desire business, the next time I logged onto MySpace I think I grabbed a picture out of my photos and logged off. I totally forgot to check on you. Then I decided I wanted to change my profile video. I hadn't done that in such a long time that they changed it, and I couldn't figure out how to do it. So, I just deleted my current one, and left it blank. I also left MySpace mad. It was only after I logged out, I realized that, once again, I forgot to check on you. The next time I logged in it was to find Eminem's page. Turns out all of his songs from the Recovery album are on his player. Do you know that? Do you even like Eminem? I don't know if you do. And I forgot to check your page, but I did friendship request Eminem and we are now buds. Sadly, I think it is set to auto respond to anyone. But, still...

Anyway, it looks like my focus of desire to get over you worked. I hope that this life brings you everything you want.

Peace Out,

Dear Flash,

It turns out that I have even forgiven you. I can say your name and it isn't through gritted teeth. I know from Divorce Recovery Group that if you say an ex's name through gritted teeth and your muscles tense up, chances are pretty darn good that you are not living in a place of forgiveness with that person. You are someone else that I rarely think about. In fact, when I do think about you now, it is in the context of a teacher. I signed up for the lesson and you were the teacher that life sent my way. By the way, you were very good at what you do. I give you high marks at all of your skills.

Honestly, I don't know what to say to you. I guess I will just thank you for all of the things that you taught me. Because of you I am now wary of anyone who will make big promises to take care of me, be there for me, etc. but lives with his mother and doesn't have a job. Even though mom is sick (an excellent reason for being there), and he just moved (a good reason for not working yet), my antennae will start to really work when this is still the case several months later.

Because of you I will now get out the first time I catch a boyfriend in a significant lie. I am not talking about a list of all the errands the sweetie went on, and he forgot that he put gas in the car kind of lie. I am talking about that little stint in jail that I did kind of lie. Yeah, that kind of lie. Oh, and the part about that I am still facing charges in a different state kind of lie. Yeah those kinds of lies.

Because of you I will immediately kick to the curb anyone who steals my migraine medication. I needs my meds, dude. You took my medication knowing that I wouldn't have enough at the end of the month. So, when I got down to empty the last week, you got to watch me suffer. And then you lied about taking the medication until I flat told you I didn't believe you. How did you solve this problem? You stole medication from your mother, which was similar, and you said she didn't need it. I don't know what you did when she ran out at the end of the month, and I didn't ask. She is your mother and your problem.

Because of you I learned that I just can't forgive a cheater. Before you, I didn't know what it was like to be cheated on, so that was a new and different experience. In the spirit of being a "bigger" person, I tried to be forgiving about the whole thing. It turns out that I just don't have that in me. I can forgive, I just can't forget. And I can't continue to be with someone who I know cheated on me. Well, maybe it was also the lying about the cheating. Maybe it was just that I couldn't stand to be with a liar. A liar and a cheater. A liar, a cheater, a thief, a criminal, and in the end a manipulator of the highest order.

I do believe I think I covered everything. Well, there is one more thing. I stayed with you far too long. I am a good person, a kind person, and I deserve someone much better than you. Thank you for helping me to see that in myself. I will never settle again.


Click here for the Curriculum if you want to join in the fun.

image heisted from Miss Angie at My So-Called Chaos


  1. stopping by from Friday follow over forty, wish I was brave enough to write a letter to my ex but then it might turn out to be a book..urgg I have so much hatred...stop by sometime..

    I am your newest follower

  2. Sometimes it IS good to write these kinds of letters... no?


  3. wow, hope the operator does get therapy.
    Great job on the advice...and for george strait I would go with al gore.

  4. It seems to me that you can be friends with the ex enough for the kids' sake when they are in high school or college. But after those years and a few more when the kids have their own lives, there's no need to stay in touch with the ex anymore. All are used to the separate Christmas days, Birthdays and so on.
    Others I have talked to have said the same thing.
    It's been 7+ years for me and there's basically no contact at all unless there's a crisis for one of our boys.
    Brian Daniel (author on Amazon)

  5. Oh, the wisdom and maturity I see here ... you've processed a LOT to get to this point. My ex-husband and ex-boyfriends have taught me a lot, as well, about myself even moreso than about them or about human nature. What are my limits? What are my needs vs. wants? What can I compromise, and what is vital? Each of them has come to us to teach us something; it's up to us whether we're willing to learn ....


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