Monday, May 10, 2010


It has occurred to me that I got it wrong again. Not completely wrong. Just somewhat wrong. Do you remember my interpretation of my recent dream? I didn't get it quite right. I knew that I was somewhere off the target because I really wasn't dealing with forgiveness issues. I did an inward trek and I was good. I'm not saying that it wasn't a yuck situation and there were no good choices, but I did what I had to do, and I know it, and I'm good with it. So, that means I wasn't the person yelling at my mom (who was actually me) in the dream. That begs the question of who was...

"I've dreamt in my life dreams that have stayed with me ever after, and changed my ideas; they've gone through and through me, like wine through water, and altered the colour of my mind."
~Emily Bronte

Yesterday I got a call from H-girl on the cell phone that she shares with C-Man to wish me a Happy Mother's Day. Our conversation didn't last very long. It went something like this:

Her: Happy Mother's Day.

Me: Thank You. What are you doing?

Her: Putting on fake toenails.

Me: Seriously? Why?

Her: Because they're cool.

Me: What's wrong with your real ones?

Her: Nothing. But I've glued my fingers together with the glue that comes with them, and I can't get my fingers apart.

Me: That's not good. Read the instructions on the bottle to see what it says to do if this happens.

Her: It says to run your fingers under hot water and gently pull apart.

Me: Well, you should probably do that sooner rather than later. Why don't I talk to your brother while you take care of that.

Her: Okay.

Him: Hi Mommy.

Me: Hey, whatcha doing?

Him: Playing a video game.

Me: Oh. (I don't ask questions because this will initiate a detailed explanation of the game.) So, how's school going.

Him: Much better.

This conversation goes on for about five minutes with details of his classes.

Me: Has your sister gotten her fingers unstuck yet?

Him: No ma'am.

Me: Okay, well, have her call me back when she does. Love you.

Him: Love you, too. Bye.

Me: Bye.

She didn't call back and I didn't expect her to. In fact, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it was excellent strategy on her part. She could claim to have made the Mother's Day call, and not feel guilty, and at the same time she picked a time to call when she knew I would tell her to get off the phone to take care of a more pressing problem (her glued fingers). She covered all of the bases. She is one smart little cookie, that one.

When my ex and I divorced, C-Man took it hard, but H-Girl was wrecked. At the time, I know that she laid the blame squarely at the feet of her father. I will never forget driving her home from something within six months of the divorce. She liked to make up songs. It drove C-Man crazy, because they were tuneless, and monotone, and she flew by the seat of her pants with them. However, when she and I were alone in the car, I let her sing as many of them as she wanted. They were living in the apartment, and she was singing about how much she hated the apartment, and how she wished she still lived in the old house, and that it was all daddy's fault. The way that she worded the whole thing was so perceptive that she blew me away. I mean she nailed it.

A year later, C-Man moved in with his grandparents, and it was just H-Girl in the apartment, and I was moving to FL because I was so sick. She did very poorly in school that year, and I talked to my ex about it because H-Girl was not flourishing at all. I was hanging by a thread, but she was going down. I asked him to let her move in with me and my parents in FL the following school year. He told me that she could stay with me that summer, and if it worked out, than yes. We were one month into the summer when something he said alerted me to the fact that no matter how it worked out, it was no. He just wanted free babysitting for the summer. I was still so sick and he was still taking advantage of me. He made me so angry that when I got C-Man for a week-long visit at the six week mark, I took them both back after that. I told him that I wasn't free babysitting.

When my ex and I divorced, it was always my plan to have H-girl move back in with me at the point that I got well. I never foresaw the move to FL. In fact, I didn't think I would still be this sick now. I thought that right about now would be when I was GOOD again. It would be when I was at my best again. Fully functional and independent. Instead... I can't even take care of me. I am still living with my parents.

So, who was that in my subconscious? Who do I think is so angry with me? Who do I think blames me for leaving them in the crumbling house of pain? Who feels abandoned and angry? I'd give you three guesses, but I don't think you need any.

She gives me a lot of "whatever" when I call, and she might still have her fingers stuck together. Does she love me? Yes. Is she angry with me? Yes.


  1. ahhh ouch.
    There is nothing worse than the feeling that you have hurt a child. Is there no way for her to come to live with you? Her father probably wouldn't allow it huh.'
    Hugs to you hon.

  2. I am too sick to do it right now. But, even if I were better off than I am, I know that he wouldn't allow it. Both of his sons live with his mom. If he sent H-girl to me he wouldn't "look good" as a parent.

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  4. I see this happening with my children's classmates. The parents divorce, get on with their lives and the ones who hurt the most are the kids. And though there are tell-tale signs, what has been shattered will only show much, much later when they become adults and the choices they make. A very sad tale, Robin. It is not your fault. It would have been your fault only had you been the biological mother. As it is, there is little you can do beyond what you are doing.

    If I were you, I'd stay sick just to put off facing all of this!

  5. This makes me sad. I don't know how old H-girl is, but could you send her a copy of this post?

  6. This whole situation sucks. I'm so sorry, Robin...what a complicated mess it is.

    I hope she knows one day how much you love her.

    Also, if she tries that again... nail polish remover undoes glue off of flesh, even super-glue. I should know, I had an adventurous childhood.


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