THE WORLD NEEDS LOVE

Normally, I would save this piece of youtube footage for tomorrow and HERE'S TO YOU THURSDAY. However, I am not convinced that YOU are convinced that I pick excellent footage, and it is all worthy of being watched. This particular bit of footage is *important.* So, it is being culled from the rest. It is being dedicated to two specific people, but it is FOR EVERYONE. As always, please turn off the sound on the music player at the bottom of the page.

This is for Kate at The Cow Jumped Over The Moon and Phoenix at Res Ipsa Loquitur:




Yesterday was a hard day.

I woke up at 8am sobbing and crying in the throes of a dream that I can still recall very clearly. In my dream, I was back in the house that I grew up in. My father was in the middle of active demolition to the house. He had on goggles and was actively tearing apart the house. He had a bunch of guys hanging out with him (I didn't recognize them, but in my mind they were his friends). They weren't really helping, but they weren't stopping him, either. Oddly enough, I had no feelings whatsoever about what my father was doing. I wasn't shocked, disturbed, angry ~ nothing. The picture below is of me and the neighbor across the street with our dog, Hershey, as a puppy.

I just wanted to find my mother. She wasn't there for the longest time. Finally she came back. My main concern was what was going to happen to our family dog, Hershey. That was why I was looking for my mom. As soon as my mom came home that was what I asked her. "Are you taking Hershey with you?" I could see that my mom was leaving this crazy place, and I wanted to make sure that she took the dog. She said, "I can't." I got really angry with her. And I know that I said some things about how crazy things were here and how could she leave Hershey here, etc. She just kept saying, "I can't." The photo below is Hershey is all grown up.


That was when I lost it. That was when the crying and sobbing started. I screamed at her. I distinctly remember saying this: "I HATE YOU. YOU DISGUST ME SO MUCH THAT I CAN'T EVEN BEAR TO LOOK AT YOU!" And that was when I woke up in the throes of a full cry.

After about ten more minutes of crying, I got up and found mom in the living room working a puzzle. I shared this disturbing dream with her. She wasn't mad. She knew I didn't hate her. By then, I was in the middle of a terrible migraine. I went back to bed and took my pain medication. It would be nice if that stuff put you to sleep. It doesn't. So, I thought about my dream. The more I thought about it, the more I knew that no one and nothing was what it actually was. Normally, dream interpretation isn't my strong suit. But... I am not going to take you through my process because it just came to me. I don't really have a process.

The guy who looked like my dad was actually my ex-husband
The friends of my dad were actually the friends of my ex-husband
The house being torn apart was actually my life
My mom was actually me
Hershey was actually C-Man and H-Girl

Wow. That was enlightening. The good news was that all of that work on forgiveness that I had done with my ex has taken. Even though he was the one doing the demolition to my life I didn't harbor ANY anger towards him at all. Therapy does work. That is encouraging. I do believe that not forgiving someone only hurts you and does not hurt them one bit. They carry on quite happily while you stew in it.

The thing that kept me in that marriage for way longer than was healthy was my need to save C-Man and H-Girl. My mother says that I have nothing to forgive myself for, because I couldn't save them in the end. My health was so bad that it was a them or me situation; I stayed in it too long as it was. I spent two years before I left exploring every legal avenue of how to get those kids and there are NONE. If you are not the biological parent, you have NO OPTIONS.

I thought that I had made peace with this a long time ago. The fact that it was a situation that I had no control over, couldn't change, was unhealthy for me, and in the end I did the best that I could.... well, I knew all of that logically. However, I just told myself off pretty good. In fact, I don't think anyone has ever talked to me quite so hatefully as I talked to myself in that dream.

Forgiveness can be a process. It is harder to forgive yourself than anyone else... even when you didn't actually do anything wrong. Even when you did the best that you could. And so I say to you ~ the blogging world at large ~ in the words of Louise Hay: "The person that you think that you cannot forgive is the person that you must forgive." And if you are sitting there thinking that you don't know how on earth you are going to do that. Stop focusing on that. Just focus on the desire to forgive and stay focused on that and the forgiveness will come. It will show up one day like an uninvited guest that you are really happy to see. It doesn't matter if that person is someone else or yourself. Forgiveness. It makes your burden lighter.

Now more than ever the world needs love. Not just a slogan, the world needs love. Now more than ever, I can't stand alone. Now more than ever.
~John Mellencamp