Friday, February 5, 2010


When Haley was four years old my parents took her to Sam's Club.  I was at home in bed with a migraine and they were keeping her occupied.  She was riding happily along in the cart when her eyes got as large as quarters, she sucked in her breath until her mouth was a perfect "O" and then slowly let it out as she pointed at the ceiling.  Her voice was barely more than a whisper and her tone was filled with reverence, "Ooooh, a pinata."  My parents followed the direction of her finger to see a tent suspended from the ceiling.  I have always loved that story.  I laugh every time I tell it even though I wasn't there because I can imagine the look on her face. 

Today I think about the mistakes I have made in my life.  Not the little ones, but the big uglies, the ones that I really don't like to talk about.  People pretty much don't talk about the things that hurt the most.  Me, I am afraid of bleeding out so I keep those bandages tightly sealed.  But I figured out the common denominator today with that pinata story and that is significant.  It's important to know how/why you went wrong so that can avoid doing it again.  Haley had never seen a tent so she had no reference point for that, but she had seen a pinata.  The place where I've gone wrong is having no reference point for these qualities in the people that I've trusted who have betrayed that trust so I never see it coming: liars, manipulators, cheaters, verbal abusers, perverts, thieves, dream stealers, and the list goes on. 

The reason I have never pieced this together is because after that initial splash of cold water everything becomes crystal clear.  For instance, you are being cheated on.  After that, it is all backtracking through what is now obvious clues.  The thing is, before being doused with the cold water they were not obvious clues; they were the equivalent of words spoken in Chinese.  I don't speak Chinese.  However, after the dousing I am examining these clues with a Chinese-Engish Dictionary and everything is obvious, and I feel stupid, mad, used, stupid, lost, raw, confused, really pissed, and stupid, really, really stupid.

The thing is that I don't want to change my reference points too much.  I never want to become that which I hate in order to recognize that which I hate.  I just want to see it sooner.

1 comment:

  1. sooner can be better than later, but that is how we learn... from our mistakes. problem is you can become jaded way too easy. for i find it is easier to dislike someone than to really get to know them. once again judging from my vantage point. not saying it is right, but sometimes how i am. trying to change, but it takes time. thanks for stopping by my blog the other day! have a great one!


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