Sunday, February 7, 2010


I hesitate to post this because I fully realize that it could come around and bite me in the butt, but I can't get it out of my head.  I am still stuck on Corey's play.  I do believe I mentioned many a blog ago that I tend to over-analyze on occasion.  I am not still moaning and groaning about the play content and minority treatment or majority treatment or the treatment of native americans (even though the latter is still a hot button for me and a personal soapbox I will hop onto if provoked quite readily).  I am stuck on something that hits closer to home.... all of the stuff that pissed me off on Friday that didn't have anything to do with the content of the play.  And I am writing this because I know I need some perspective and maybe some of you have it. 

{I am now taking a moment to pray for the ability to write in a concise manner.}  For those of you out of the loop, I am not Corey and Haley's mother. Six months after their father and I married they came to live with us.  Corey was in pre-K and Haley a year younger.  We thought it was short-term, but we realized that they were in an abusive home and it became long-term.  Their mother pretty much disappeared from their lives after they came to live with us.  The last time they saw her was the summer of 2005.  She rarely calls and it is a big part of the reason that I chose to stay as involved as I am in their lives.  I know that it is unusual to divorce someone but to remain close to their kids, which is why I am explaining it.  Honestly, it is hard.  Dealing with my ex isn't always easy and it is even harder when you have no legal rights to the kids, but sometimes you do things just because you feel like it is the right thing to do.  And that is where I live.

Moving on... life for Corey and Haley hasn't been easy.  Corey lives with Rob's mom and her husband.  He goes to a magnet school, which is great, and up until recent events I felt like he was flourishing there.  Now I am not so sure.  It turns out that there were two performances of his play; the one Haley I went to at 3:45 and another at 7:00.  After the play I asked him who was coming to the 7:00 and he said he didn't think that anyone was coming.  What????  He thought my ex's dad was picking him up and taking him home, but not watching it.  My ex was out of town on work.  What about grandmommy and granddaddy?  No.  What about his aunt sissy?  No. 

Okay.  This was worrisome.  Did he have some friends to hang out with between shows?  Not really.  Most of the kids were older.  Okay.  Did he bring a book to read?  No.  So what were his plans for the next two hours and did he bring anything to eat?  Nothing and no.  I've got alarm bells going off now.  I call grandmommy's house.  No answer.  I call aunt sissy.  She says she wasn't planning on coming because she just found out about it, but she could give me her dad's number.  I call him and he isn't coming to the play, but he is picking Corey up.  I let him in on my concerns.  He suggests I call sissy back to see if she can come to the play so that I can take Corey home because he sees the problem.  I call her and she says she will call grandmommy and call me back.  She does and I am told to bring him and Haley back to the house and she will drop Corey back at school (but she isn't going to watch the play).  I am thinking, "Who are these people?"  However, at least he can get some dinner and not get into trouble. 

Fifteen minutes later I walk into grandmommy's house and she is spitting mad and yells at me in front of the kids.  "Next time call me instead of Sissy."  I am stunned.  I felt like I didn't need to call her since I was doing what she told me to do through Sissy.  I immediately started apologizing for the confusion because I knew that if I didn't I would have said what I really wanted to say which was, "I only did what you told me to do through your daughter.  You have my cell phone number.  If you changed your mind you could have called.  And never yell at me in front of the kids."  But then I would have been yelling in front of the kids.

Now for the really disturbing part... She then LAID INTO Corey.  She shredded him.  "Corey you were supposed to be at school for a microphone check at 5:30 and then everyone is supposed to be in the cage at 6:00.  I am  not responsible for your schedule.  You are responsible for you.  I am sick and tired of ....."  I can't remember the rest but it was more of the same.  He is twelve years old.  She didn't know what his schedule was when Sissy called (obviously) or she wouldn't have had me bring him home.  That says to me that she looked at it for the first time sometime after that.  It also says to me that she knew he was going to be gone all day because a ride was arranged for him to get home but she had no concerns about his dinner.  

Mature, responsible adults with good self-esteem don't just happen.  They are created with the help of parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, teachers, and friends who give them the foundation to become those people.  They show them what it looks like.  They don't yell at other adults.  They don't shred you as a child when you're alone or in front of your family for things that are or aren't your fault.  They go over your schedule with you when you are doing something new.  They support your extracurricular activities by attending them whenever possible.  They show that they love you and are aware of your physical needs by making sure that you get dinner even when you're not at home.

I think I understand now how my ex-husband has all of the issues that he has today.

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