Sunday, November 10, 2013

Who I Used To Be

Recently I have been viewing my Blog Stats.  A lot.  I can go for months and not look once.  Other times, I am compulsively obsessed.  A post from July 23, 2010 is currently showing as one of my most read posts of this week.  Frankly, I always find it odd when an old blog post jumps back into my Top 5.  So, I read it.  What I realized is this: I used to be very open on this blog.  I was committed to writing daily and it sometimes led to crazy posts.  They would start in one place and end in a very different one.  My new readers don't know that person.  I am not sure where she is.  But, let me introduce you via my post called *Bang* on July 23, 2010....

I had been thinking about writing this extremely "real" blog today. Once I got on here and caught up on my own blog reading, I realized it was Blog Hop Friday. Egads. If there is anything that I have learned it is that someone new to your blog doesn't want to read anything extremely real about you on their first visit! That would have them screaming and running for their lives.

So, then I thought I could write something funny. I'm funny. I'm all kinds of funny. In fact, I had a dream last night and I was a one woman comedy act in it. I would tell you about it, but it was a strange dream. Again, I try not to freak people out on their first visit. I do know that I learned one thing from that dream. I hate my hair. I was adamant about a hair appointment that I NEEDED to make. Other things kept getting in the way and I was really snarky by the end of the dream and I was yelling things like, "But I hate my hair!" So, if there was any greater truth in that dream, I think that was it.

One of my friends left this comment on one of my recent blogs:

"Robin, at the risk of hurting you, I will tell you the truth. Sometimes you tend to ramble. Sometimes I don't know WHAT you are talking about. And then, just when I least expect it...BANG! You strike and tear out my heart.

I don't think that your blog has the best writing (sorry) objectively speaking, but it is the one I rush to read so maybe, just maybe, it does. After all, how can we judge what is good writing? Maybe it is simply what appears genuine, heartfelt and exquisitely real.

I love you.

Take care of yourself."

That is how I roll on this blog. I just ramble on and you think that I am going nowhere, and you are mildly entertained, and then *BANG* I actually come up with something that makes sense. For the record, I don't really do crafts, I am not much of a cook, I am working on a novel, I have kicka$$ migraines that tear my world apart regularly, I'm having a really tough time with my friendships, no dating life, and I am living with my parents. Never in a million years did I see my life going like this. Does it suck? Like lemons after half a bottle of tequila when you are throwing up on the bathroom floor in a bar that hasn't been cleaned in six months. (Was that metaphor too vivid? I am thinking it might have been too vivid.)

Anyway, my life right now is about doing what I can. I write when I can. I put the effort into people who are worth it. Right now, there aren't very many people in my life who are worth it. The ones who are live all the way across the country. It is just a bit far. I have a couple of friends here who are worth it, but they are busy most of the time. So, I blog and I work on my novel. And I work on me. And I spend time with my real friends when they can fit me into their crazy schedules. A big part of what I'm doing right now is working on letting things go. This is something that I have problems with, and I will give you an example:

I held on to a marriage that I should have let go of much sooner in order to save children that weren't mine. That's why I have a migraine that started in January of 2003 and hasn't stopped since. That's right. Every day since January 2003. The stress of being married and trying to save his kids was too big for me. Had I let go sooner, I think that the pain cycle of the migraine could have been put down. I didn't. I waited too long. I was determined to give his kids a solid foundation. I thought that when I left the migraines would end. I was wrong. That one choice cost me everything. Letting things go sounds easy. It's not. Sometimes knowing what to keep, how long to keep it, and when to let go are the things that can change or save your life. Sometimes both. *BANG*


  1. I didn't think the metaphor was too vivid.
    Sorry you hang on to the point of physical misery.
    And I always think you are real in your posts.

  2. Right now, having read this, I'm wishing we lived nearby each other, so we could go out for drinks (sans tequila) and chat. You're human, and I really like your humanness. I also completely relate to trying desperately to making a marriage work when it was ill-fated (due 100% to my partner and my naive choice in a life-mate) to begin with. Feel free to email me anytime, Robin, fi you want to chat more personally. In the meantime, keep being you.


  3. PS "If" not "fi". I've made tons of typos before, but I don't think I've ever done that one.

  4. I have my doubts about the crazy blog stats and what strange things make it to the top, but that post seems like a very heartfelt, honest post -- and the friend who said you're writing wasn't that great was wrong. And since she said she always comes to your blog first,I'm guessing she knew she was wrong. Your voice was drawing her in.

    I hope that you are in a better place now -- with less migraines, and I really hope you no longer feel like you're sucking lemons on a dirty bathroom floor after drinking too much tequila.

  5. ''If there is anything that I have learned it is that someone new to your blog doesn't want to read anything extremely real about you on their first visit! That would have them screaming and running for their lives.''

    I would have to whole heartedly disagree with this statement. It is exactly what I look for in a new post.

  6. Alex ~ It isn't that I am fake now, but just not as down in the dirt real as I was before.

    Robyn ~ I would love to go out for a non-tequila drink and just celebrate having made it this far. We aren't dead, right??? Made some terrible choices, granted, but we are still standing. Keep being you, too! I love your posts:)

    Dianne ~ I don't consider myself a lyrical writer. I am not one of those people who makes words sound like music. I struggle with a good metaphor and active verbs and dazzling description. I am not sure I have ever gotten used to the idea that more is less. But, my voice is definitely distinctive. And the person who wrote that comment actually gave me a lovely compliment, in my opinion. If you ever write something that tears a heart out... well, that is pretty darn great. As for the migraines, they are better but not gone. I don't feel the need to blog about it constantly, so it is an improvement.

    Mind of Mine ~ I tend to agree with you, but I am not convinced that we are in the majority on that one.

  7. Hey Robin,

    And through the misery of a past that frustrates, you write on. Variety and rambling is good. You focus your attention on what are the positive aspects. Writing and interacting with those who say yay and not nay.

    When I do a rambling, nonsensical blog, I have been known to highlight the parts worth reading. It helps whoever might have stumbled upon my musings.

    Now you can add my visit to your count. And without even a trace of a metaphor, I shall now quietly return to my blog.

    Take good care of YOU.


  8. I hope you find a way to leave the past behind and move on with your own life. Writing is supposed to help stress. Ramble away and I'll read it.

  9. Well this was real as real can be. Thank you.

    And I was held by your writing. So the people who say otherwise can go frump a goat!

    I sure hope the migraines have relented. That's not exactly a fair reward for you having a heart for children.

  10. Oh girl, you know I get it. If all the answers were easy, we wouldn't need to bother with the test... You pass with flying colors anyway- whatever the test! I love that you are just who you are and nothing fake whatsoever. Your written 'voice' is you, for sure.
    This is a tough time of year, for many of us. I think those who have gone through the most are certainly the most interesting!
    And dang, if I just could figure out the whole letting go thing, well then yeah- I'd be good to go. It's hard to express real and tough feelings in writing without coming out a downer and you do that so well!

  11. *huggles*

    Life just doesn't come with instructions... or 'how-to- manuals... or any of that stuff.

    We all do the best we can... the best we know how to do, dear...


  12. Author John Gray, writer of the Venus/Mars books, is of recent years a guru of natural medicine. He says relationships now last about five years, due to sugar, Facebook, western medicine, GMO's and diet, giving constant stimulation. If life slows down ennui sets in and estrogen is off and testosterone becomes low.... always seeking bigger stimulation. Do any relationships last?

  13. I think if someone thinks your blog "is the one I rush to read," then it absolutely has "good writing."

    "Good writing" is that which reaches out and touches another person; which impacts and moves their emotions; which entertains, enlightens or amuses them; which sticks with them long after they're done reading.

    I haven't been a reader of your log that long, but I can indeed tell you that your blog meets all of the above criteria. So keep on sharing that damn good writing -- I like it and keep coming back for it.

  14. I once had a really huge serge in traffic, only to find out it was because of a pizza picture I have on my blog. Took it off, that states changed. Funny how that works sometimes. :)

  15. I'm sure you're quite aware of my current fascination with stats and I do think it's an important thing to think about if you're blogging with purpose. I'm pondering on something that I might do in the future that will be along these lines. I allude to it on my blog post today, but I don't want to go into it quite yet until I see how I want to approach it.

    I also know what you're saying about posting everyday and having to come up with content. Even now with my long list of prospective topics, sometimes I just feel the need to post about something odd and random. It's weird how some of those post seem to connect best with readers. Let's face it, I guess we're all a bunch of weirdos.

    Experimenting on my blog
    Tossing It Out

  16. One post that constantly gets hits even to this day is the one I did on Mike - The Headless Chicken. Seriously. And I think I did that post back in 2006. Maybe 2005. Amazing.

    When I read your blog, I imagine the two of us sitting down and we're talking. So I don't mind the rambling, as if just feels like a conversation. Hope that's not creepy! Lol.

  17. Gary ~ I don't think I ramble quite as much as I used to... but, then I don't have the most unbiased opinion on that one... Hunh. Something more to ponder. What I've found is that the rambling tends to reveal how my brain words. Some people like it and some don't!!!

    Susan ~ I think that writing does help with the stress. And less stress lowers the intensity of the migraine. Ergo, writing just might be saving my life!

    David ~ Frump a goat.... hahaha. The migraines are better, but not gone. Have you noticed that life doesn't operate on a Fairness System? Being a good person isn't a guarantee of anything. Fame, fortune, success, good relationships, happy marriage, health... nothing. I would write more, but I think I feel a blog post coming on, so I will save it.

    Jasmine ~ That may be the nicest thing you've said to me yet. My written voice is actually me. If people feel like they know me via this blog... well, that is something. And then if they meet me in person and the summation was correct... I have succeeded.

    Red Shoes ~ ::understatement:: The Good News... there is learning out there. You just have to make an effort to embrace it and then make actual changes in your life.

    Manzanita ~ I don't know. Maybe if two people decide NOT to overstimulate themselves.... Is that why older couples stay together? They just don't do all of the computer stuff, TV watching, etc. I don't know the answer to your question. I have some neighbors who have been married nine years (I think), don't have children, but do have a boat and spend nearly every weekend on it. They seem pretty happy.

    Chris ~ I like your definition of "good writing." Yes, I agree with that. If something touches my heart (in any sort of way) I like it. Of course I do. If it made me think, made me laugh, made me cry, or just elicited a smile.

    David ~ You have no idea how many comments I get about the dog in the tree. Often a new "reader" has NOTHING to say about my post, but they love that dog in the tree.

    Arlee ~ I don't even keep a list of blog topics. Does that make me a terrible blogger???? So, I tend to just spout off about whatever is on my mind. Sometimes a post written by someone else will start my mental gears turning. Instead of leaving a super lengthy comment (which you KNOW I do) I will just turn it into a post of my own.

    Jay ~ I like it. It feels like a conversation. That is not creepy at all. It is actually one of the nicest things said about this blog!!!

  18. Haha, glad to inspire a post. I have indeed noticed that.. But I'll save any deeper thoughts on the subject for your deeper thoughts on the subject. :)

  19. "I held on to a marriage that I should have let go of much sooner in order to save children that weren't mine. That's why I have a migraine that started in January of 2003 and hasn't stopped since."
    Those are two of the loveliest sentences I've ever read, Robin. They say everything about the human condition, hanging onto things we should let go; hanging onto things that aren't ours. Love, right?
    Thanks for re-sharing this. When I look at my blog stats I find out that my greatest stats EVER were when I stopped blogging. What the heck is with that? Very, very mysterious!

  20. I'm not too keen on the blog stats. I'm not sure how accurate they really are. Nor do I really care. And you shouldn't either. Seriously. And hello? Have you read MY blog? I ramble all the time. There is nothing wrong with it if you do. It's a blog, not a dissertation. Critical Cathys need not apply. I like your rambling, it's like talking to a friend. :)

  21. Why do we blog... ultimately it's no about stats. Why do we do it... I have no idea. Thanks for coming by blog. I've visiting yours.

  22. David ~ I am about to get to work on that inspired post!!!

    Lynda ~ Now that is crazy. I really missed you when you were gone, but I don't recall just popping over there and random reading. Stats tell us all sorts of things (how well we've word tagged our blogs so that they pop on google searches, for instance), but if someone doesn't start following then what does that mean??? I am in for the regular readers, though I don't mind when someone stumbles onto a post out there in the Big Ole World. ....And, yes, that was love.

    Lynda ~ I thought so too!

    Yvonne ~ I kinda miss that ramblin' woman. The thing about stats: they do tell you information, but I think your "best" information comes from your comments!

    cube ~ I think we blog so that we can throw a thought into the air... and hope someone else hears it. We hope that it has some truth in it for them and that maybe it begins a conversation.

  23. To some degree, getting kicked by "real life" is good, in that it helps us to grow up and helps us to gain compassion. But really, some of us have had enough! As you know, I can sympathize all too well with staying too long and to my own detriment. But how do you leave when someone is sick, when kids need help, when there's something greater than yourself that needs you - YOU, not just someone, but YOU??? It's so easy to see it from the outside, but ....


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