So, then I thought I could write something funny. I'm funny. I'm all kinds of funny. In fact, I had a dream last night and I was a one woman comedy act in it. I would tell you about it, but it was a strange dream. Again, I try not to freak people out on their first visit. I do know that I learned one thing from that dream. I hate my hair. I was adamant about a hair appointment that I NEEDED to make. Other things kept getting in the way and I was really snarky by the end of the dream and I was yelling things like, "But I hate my hair!" So, if there was any greater truth in that dream, I think that was it.
One of my friends left this comment on one of my recent blogs:
"Robin, at the risk of hurting you, I will tell you the truth. Sometimes you tend to ramble. Sometimes I don't know WHAT you are talking about. And then, just when I least expect it...BANG! You strike and tear out my heart.
I don't think that your blog has the best writing (sorry) objectively speaking, but it is the one I rush to read so maybe, just maybe, it does. After all, how can we judge what is good writing? Maybe it is simply what appears genuine, heartfelt and exquisitely real.
I love you.
Take care of yourself."
That is how I roll on this blog. I just ramble on and you think that I am going nowhere, and you are mildly entertained, and then *BANG* I actually come up with something that makes sense. For the record, I don't really do crafts, I am not much of a cook, I am working on a novel, I have kicka$$ migraines that tear my world apart regularly, I'm having a really tough time with my friendships, no dating life, and I am living with my parents. Never in a million years did I see my life going like this. Does it suck? Like lemons after half a bottle of tequila when you are throwing up on the bathroom floor in a bar that hasn't been cleaned in six months. (Was that metaphor too vivid? I am thinking it might have been too vivid.)Anyway, my life right now is about doing what I can. I write when I can. I put the effort into people who are worth it. Right now, there aren't very many people in my life who are worth it. The ones who are live all the way across the country. It is just a bit far. I have a couple of friends here who are worth it, but they are busy most of the time. So, I blog and I work on my novel. And I work on me. And I spend time with my real friends when they can fit me into their crazy schedules. A big part of what I'm doing right now is working on letting things go. This is something that I have problems with, and I will give you an example:
I held on to a marriage that I should have let go of much sooner in order to save children that weren't mine. That's why I have a migraine that started in January of 2003 and hasn't stopped since. That's right. Every day since January 2003. The stress of being married and trying to save his kids was too big for me. Had I let go sooner, I think that the pain cycle of the migraine could have been put down. I didn't. I waited too long. I was determined to give his kids a solid foundation. I thought that when I left the migraines would end. I was wrong. That one choice cost me everything. Letting things go sounds easy. It's not. Sometimes knowing what to keep, how long to keep it, and when to let go are the things that can change or save your life. Sometimes both. *BANG*
All images found at www.weheartit.com
But how can you know when exactly someone new to your blog is actually reading something this real-personal stuff? That kind of makes no sense, because you can never know.
ReplyDeleteI think your writing is really good.
And that thing about your migraines, you know, if I were you I'd probably be a vegetable by know because I'd eat all the painkillers in the country. I mean, headache is what I hate most, I can really stand all kind of pain and illnesses, with the exception of stupid headache. I can't imagine having real migraines. But you know what, since they last for so long, maybe the reason is something else? Maybe you should do a bunch of other medical tests, maybe the reason is something clearly non-psychological, to put it that way. Maybe you should change your doctor?
And, apart from the migraine part, what you wrote about your life is, I think, not bad. It's normal life. (I'm not scolding you, I'm trying to cheer you up here. Somehow. In my usual, illogial way). I think that it's all about the choice of words, when talking about life.
@Misery ~ I have an awesome doctor who wants to do so many things. I also have a specialist who also wants to do so many things. I have terrible health insurance. So... we are in a holding pattern. We are waiting/hoping/praying that I get Social Security Disability because I will then get Medicaid. Then I will have the health coverage I need so that the doctors can run all of the neuro tests that they want to run. There are also some auto immune diseases that we want to rule out. (Or confirm) I prefer rule out. It took me years just to find doctors interested in doing anything other than writing prescriptions.
ReplyDeleteI like your saying there at the end... about moving on... I really like that... I think it's very true.
ReplyDeleteInvesting yourself into friends that are worth it is the key... I look back and see that I wasted way too much time on people that simply didn't deserve the time I gave them...
I like your writing...
~shoes~
letting go can be more important than hanging on, the trick is to know what to do, when.
ReplyDeleteHello Fellow Rambler,
ReplyDeleteI've been rambling most of my life, it not all of it. A high school teacher told me I could never be a writer because I ramble too much. ha! Guess what I do professionally. Yep. That's right. And in the Library of Congress to boot. Glad to meet you. Oh, came by via FF 40+Over. Hope you get over your migraine soon.
Su-sieee! Mac
This and That. Here and There. Now, Sometimes Then.
The methaphor was pretty darn terrific. So was the quote at the end, but this goes bang: "Sometimes knowing what to keep, how long to keep it, and when to let go are the things that can change or save your life. Sometimes both."
ReplyDelete@Shoes ~ Thank you very much and I agree (obviously)
ReplyDelete@Chris ~ You're telling me. I don't know why I constantly struggle with this!
@Su-sieee ~ Thanks for dropping in and offering the encouragement.
@ Liza ~ Funny you said that about the last line. I had the bang right there beside it. But it didn't look right. So, I moved it down to the bottom. It just looked "cleaner." However, after you said that, I went back and moved back where it was initially. Sometimes it is best to just go with your gut. So, thanks!
Part of what I love about your posts (there are a lot of things, but this is just one!) is the "bang" factor. Start here ... meander there ... think of this ... detour over to that ... BANG ... resolution. Makes for a fascinating read, and a real sense of who is actually doing the writing and sharing her intellect and her wisdom and her perspective with all of us ... :)
ReplyDeleteoh, the health insurance, I haven't thought about that obstacle. In Poland it also pretty much sucks, but it works a little bit differently I suppose.
ReplyDeleteRobin, I have to tell you. I come over to read here and there b/c I have so many blogs I follow...it's hard to keep up with all of them all the time. I finally had to take a step back. I just read this post and the one after it. I read every bit of them and watched most of the music videos all the way thru. I'm listening to your music player...as I've done many times before. I'll probably keep it on while looking at other stuff too b/c you and I have similar taste in music. Listening to Bruce Hornsby (R.I.P) Mandolin Rain...LOVE it! Anyway, to my point....your blog is juicy and wholesome. It's solid emotions...deep thought, gut wrenching pain, lust, happiness, harmony, maturity, acceptance, unacceptance, hell....it's everything. How beautiful is it to open up your mind for all to see just b/c you can?? I think I can understand you pretty well...pain f*cks with our brains. For one thing, blogging is a good destraction from the physical pain...well, it can ease it. Also, with head pain...for me....it feels like it hurts worse when I keep things in. I've lost readers...one of them was my first follower. It hurt, but...ya know what...I'm glad. I'm glad that I know I can be myself and there are people that still stay. I really like you guys. lol. I only have one thing to say...don't worry about what makes a good blog. You already have a SLAMMIN blog...don't change....EVER and certainly don't worry about what anybody says about your writing on here. Ramble? I do all the time. It's like rummaging through the cereal box to get to the nice shiny prize at the bottom --sometimes the prize is good and sometimes it's kinda "ehhh", but nevertheless it's a prize and you're usually glad you sifted through all the cereal to find it (and I'm saying this analogy from you,the writer's, point of view...not the reader). I think all of your "Bangs" are way better than any prize at the bottom of a cereal box. lol. Thank you...can I have another one please? ;)
ReplyDelete"Sometimes knowing what to keep, how long to keep it, and when to let go are the things that can change or save your life. Sometimes both." ----I get scared that I'll learn this too late...BANG! You certainly gave me my Daily Dose. :)
It's just my opinion here, but I think the simple fact that you keep it real, ramble just a little and have that "Bang" effect are all what make your blogs worth reading! They are not boring by any stretch of the imagination, and even if one thinks they can anticipate what you are going to say, they soon discover that they are in for yet another stimulating post from you! That's only one of the things I love about your blog....
ReplyDeleteI hope that your SSI will kick in soon because it really sucks to have migraines all the time! They are so debilitating and I hate that you live like this each and every day!
It speaks volumes about your character that you were willing to stay in a marriage that you knew you should have walked away from long before, for the sake of "his" kids! WOW! How unselfish is that????!!!!
Hugs to you girl!