I'VE GOT THIS FEELING

For those of you who read my 15 minute ramble writing exercise yesterday know that a lot of my ups and downs here lately have been not of my own making. I didn't quite get around to saying that the doctors are trying to regulate my meds to get me back to my previous state of normal, whatever that was. Ha ha. I appreciate all of the encouraging comments on yesterday's blog. So, thank you. Hugs and kisses to all who showed the love.


While I have been on this up and down crazy ride, I remembered something that I forgot. It actually was part of the prompter for one of my eight questions. BTW, I have another eight questions to answer and then another eight to think up and pass along. So, if you didn't get tagged that first time, and are feeling all sad and left out, chances are possible that you will get it this time. I am feeling myself diverting off my track. Anyway, when I was living in Florida, I went through a period of looking inward, and really wondering why I had gone through all of the crap that had blown my way. I am a big believer in everything happening for a reason and I just couldn't figure out what possible reason could be out there for all of this pain and suffering. Keep in mind, I was still in the midst of the pain and suffering. I was considerably better, but by no one's yardstick 100%. I was still dealing with migraines daily; the only difference was that the severity of the migraine was less than it is now.

Anyway, all of this was weighing heavy on my mind. One morning when I was not really asleep, but not really awake. This is what happened. I wrote it down when I woke up because I didn't want to forget it.

Sometime between sleeping and being fully awake this morning, I had this awareness hit me. I am not going to say that God was talking directly to me. It was more just this knowing and I could hear the words but it was more like they were coming from inside me to me (if that makes sense). And it went something like this... all of this that you have been through has been to prepare you for what it is to come. It is something much bigger than you have been expecting and are even prepared for right now. It is bigger than you. It will ultimately involve many people, some whom you already know and some that you don't. These people will ultimately be your closest friends and greatest allies as you seek to make this world a better place. Your combined focus and purpose will help so many. You will need doctors and teachers and people will various other skills and talents to do this great work. It is in this project that your life choices will have new meaning and all of the seemingly bad stuff will make sense. You couldn't do this work as well if not for those experiences that you resent in your past. It is in this work that you will be plugged in to your true self. You will be vibrating at a frequency that will bring joy into your life and you will feel more connected to God and the world than you have ever been. It is time to let go of all the things that are stressing you out and keeping you in a place of resistance. These things are not allowing you to get well. You will need this time of euphoria in order to be ready for your work when it comes to you.


That was on December 3, 2008. I thought about that for a long time. The more I thought about it, the more I had this vague knowing of what I was supposed to be doing. Of course, I didn't have some of the skill sets I needed to do that needed to be done. And some I did. And then my parents started talking about moving back to Georgia. I got a call out of the blue from a sales company that had been a competitor from the company I used to work for interested in hiring me, and I thought that was a sign. It was a sign that I was supposed to go back into sales. So, I let go of this burgeoning idea. We moved to Georgia, I talked to the sales guy, we moved the mattress into my room, I got really sick, my immune system blew up, and I now have even more health problems than I had back in 2006, when I thought I was as sick as I could possibly get.

Yesterday, I was doing some thinking and I got smacked really hard in the head by that Idea. That Idea that I felt like I was being told I was supposed to be doing on that December day in 2008. It occurred to me that if I am meant to do that The Universe is going to keep throwing up walls to prevent me from doing other things until I accept that is what I am supposed to be doing. In other words, if I decide that I am going to take a sales job, I might get hit by a car and put into traction until that job opportunity no longer exists. Last time I got a mildewy mattress. It reminded me how important The Idea was and that I really needed to pursue it.


I picture the life path sometimes like a literal path. We have specific markers that we have to get to in our journey. They are must-dos. We can venture off the path and take some scenic routes. We can learn some stuff, for good and ill, but when we get done with that, we end up right where stepped off, and then continue forward. It's like getting off the interstate and getting onto frontage road. You can ride all around the town. But, eventually, you get back on the interstate at the very same exit you got off. You can learn all kinds of interesting stuff about yourself by spending time in that town. You can hang out there for years even, but the truth of the matter is that you really weren't meant to get off at that exit at all. You know that when you get back on the interstate. You can be mad as hell that you got off the interstate at all or you can chalk it up as a learning experience.

You're probably wondering what is this thing that I see myself doing. Or maybe your eyes have glazed over and you don't care anymore. I see it starting out as a website. That is funny because I have no idea how to create and/or maintain a website. I can barely navigate this dumb site. So, that is the skill set I was referring to. I am going to have to learn how to do it. In fact, I am going to have to learn how to do lots of stuff. I think that will be the hardest, but I don't know. The thing is that I can see it in my head, I can feel it in my bones, and it sounds crazy.


This site is for sick people, like me, and other kinds of sick people. Ideally, I will have a list of doctors all over who listen. Doctors in every speciality. Doctors who listen and think outside the box. Doctors who don't just treat symptoms, but care about getting to the root of the problem. Doctors who are committed. Doctors who will at some point when this gets big enough either work pro bono or through my site. And the site will be funded by donations. Who will be donating? Lots of people. It is going to start out by people getting well through the site. A family member finding a doctor. And maybe they have a sibling who owns a fancy hotel. They offer to do a fundraising event free. You'll find this hard to believe, but I am actually a good public speaker. And before this is done I am going to be doing public speaking to the rich, famous, and wealthy. And they are going to fund this site. Because the site isn't enough.


We are going to start building homes all across the country for people who have lost everything, and are too sick to work, and they don't have parents, like me, to take them in. And the doctors are going to work pro bono, and we are going to find someone to help them get a job afterward. And that guy who has the funny hair and the crazy energy is going to help us build some of our houses. And every time we build, famous people are going to come out with hammers and nails. Or maybe it will be on the HGTV lineup. And because of that, more money and support is going to come in, and it is going to start changing people's lives. And people are going to pay money to be listed as sponsors on the site. As will businesses. And we are going to really make a difference and help people.

You might be thinking that I am crazy and that it is just the mania. I would agree with you if I haven't been thinking about this since 2008. This is what I saw in my head when I woke up back in 2008. I could see myself working on this website, making the speeches, the need for the houses. I could see it all. I just let it go when something more practical came along. And then I let that go when I got really sick and couldn't do it. And now I am standing in the same place on the path where I was before. I read recently somewhere, "Love with an open hand and hope."


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