L is for Losing Focus

I really didn't want to write anything today. I am having focus problems. Dear friends, I love reading your blogs. I truly do. In fact, many a day I enjoy reading your blogs more than I like writing my own. Some days I just read your blogs and I don't write one of my own. This is all pre-cancer news. Since finding out about my dad and his terminal diagnosis, I just can't focus. Period. I tell myself that writing a blog will be good for me. In fact, that is what I am telling myself right now. I told myself that reading your blogs would be good for me, but I couldn't focus in order to actually accomplish the task. Do I want to know what you're doing? Yes. Am I interested? Yes. Why can't I focus? I have no idea.

Do I want to blog about what happened with my dad? Yes and no. Mostly no right now.

Do I want to blog about what happened with my sister-in-law? Yes and no. Mostly no right now.

Do I want to blog about the meeting with an old friend from school? Yes. But, I can't really focus. It's a good story and I want to get it right.

Do I want to blog about the doctor appt my dad had with the surgeon who removed his colon and hooked him to the colostomy bag? And then what he said to me? Yes and no. Mostly no right now. Some doctors deserve to be smacked. He needs a good smacking. And he isn't going on my list of doctors when my website goes up. Just sayin'.

Do I want to blog about how great Hospice is? Yes and no? Mostly yes. But not right now. It makes me sad. And happy. Happy sad.

I did think of Phoenix's blog on pushing more love toward situations that you can't control. If you have tried everything else, try pushing more love toward it. I even did that. It helped and then it didn't. And then I decided to focus on what mattered. Now, the old me who could focus better would find that blog and link up to it. Why? Because it was an awesome blog that she probably wrote about eight months ago and I still remember it. A blog has to be pretty darn awesome to stick in my brain for that long. Would I like to write more about the details of this? Yes and no.

Why? Because Chris over at A Deliberate Life just wrote a blog a few days ago on Letting Go of Resentment. I didn't comment on that blog. Why? Because I couldn't focus. However, it really hit home for me. Sometimes people are who they are. I pretty much had that one figured out before I left Ohio, but reading that blog was kind of the last straw, so to speak. It helped me just to let it all go. You aren't going to change people. Not everyone is going to like you. You can be as nice to them as you know how to be. You can be yourself (how can you be anyone else?). And if they still just don't like you, they don't like you. All you can do is continue to be kind to them and treat them as nicely as you know how. That is it. Keep pushing love toward them. And if they still don't like you, well that is on them. But, let it go. You aren't going to win them all and that is that.

The last thing I can think of right now is that my neighbor suggested that I write (as in email) my congressman and then follow it up with a phone call about Social Security denying my SSDI claim. She said she worked some government agency back in the day (Medicaid maybe) and it really got the ball rolling for someone if a Congressman took an interest. Anyway, she said that because they denied my claim based on four doctors (it was supposed to be 2 of mine and 2 of theirs), but one of the doctors was someone I had never seen, I had reason to involve my Congressman. I also had reason to involve my Congressman because my representative in this case said "This kind of thing happens all the time." They were jaded by the system and how it wasn't working and not willing to fight. Their answer was an appeal, which we would have done anyway. So, blog friends, in your opinion do you think that writing and calling your local Congressman is the way to go here to speed up this process? I am interested in your thoughts...

Okay, I promise to try and be a better blog friend, and get my stuff together, so that I can put coherent thoughts together, so that I can actually read your posts. As it is, I read a little here and a little there. But, I mostly don't feel able to comment. It is very sad. I never really thought the day would come when this girl would be at a loss for words. (silently shaking head now in disbelief) So, I will work on my focus issues and hope that you bear with me while I sort it all out.

image found at www.weheartit.com

DAY 5: YOUR DREAMS

Dear Me,

I am writing you this letter because your dreams may not come to fruition as quickly as you want them to, and you may need some inspiration to not let go of them and give up. You already did that once and the only thing that stopped you from moving in another direction was your mattress pulled out of storage. Such a small thing that created this huge medical setback. You spent nearly a year very angry about that setback. It wasn't until recently that it clicked in your head that the mattress put you back on course with your dreams. You wrote about that here.

Ever since you wrote that down, the dream has become clearer and clearer. Back in 2008, you had a logo that popped into your head, knew that it involved a website, and the goal was to help sick people who could no longer help themselves. They, like you, had run the doctor circuit for years and gotten nowhere. And they fell through the floor. Not because they were lazy or didn't try hard enough. They probably started out working. They had insurance and they got sicker and sicker. Eventually they couldn't work and their savings started going into doctors. Still, no one could help. Back then, you knew who you wanted to help. You just weren't exactly sure how. Worse yet, you knew it was likely going to be a non-profit organization that you were going to be founding (and you know nothing about how to do that) and creating a website (you can barely navigate this site).

So, when the dream popped out of the woodwork to smack you upside the head about ten days ago, it also brought clarity with it. You now know the name of the non-profit (assuming it isn't taken already), exactly what you want on the site, and the next two stages, after the site is up and running, and able to support itself. Now, you spend a bit of every day visualizing the site as it will be once it is fully functional.

I am writing you this letter because I know you. You have an idea and you want it now. Well, this isn't going to happen now. This is likely years away from fruition. And there will be people who will tell you that it just isn't realistic. Once you get well, you would be better off getting a sales job, which you know you are good at. That is true. I am good at a sales job and it would support me. But this dream will change the lives of hundreds of people. Maybe thousands. Is me taking the easy way and getting a sales job right when I know that I have been called to do this?

Even this... Blogger... you thought it was for your writing. When you first opened this account you had this crazy idea that an agent was going to read your writing and decide that you should be published. Don't you find that ludicrous now? Then you enjoyed reading other people's blogs as much as your own. It is like a community of friends with whom everyone shares their stuff. Whatever they want to share. Now, you see that even Blogger wasn't an accident.

This dream is all part of a Grand Design to make the world better. All you are is the catalyst. You thought that you were going to have to take college computer classes to do the website. That would have been you trying to do it all for quite a while. Now, you think you were meant to meet someone here who would do the computer design, because you are just never going to be good at that, and you will be partners in this venture. It will be your idea, but the work you will do together. You will be doing all of the calling and running stuff down for the site. And you will be sending out requests for information to your blog friends, like a net. And they will throw that net further. And this site that you thought would take a year to get off the ground... won't. Oh, and your Greek friend will make it possible for you to talk to someone about non-profits before you start this, so that you are able to set up this whole thing. Otherwise, you would be lost in that sea for a long time.

Your dreams are going to intertwine with the dreams of people you already know in person, and some that you have met here. This whole process has been like a chain bringing people together for good. Everything has a reason. With some of your friends, you can already see some sort of promise of what that reason might be. How they might fit into this, if they want to be a part of it. For others, maybe they will know someone who is ill and just needs help. It might be as simple as that. And as rewarding.

Don't give up on your dreams. They will happen when they are meant to happen. Continue to focus on your dream and visualize it so that it gains clarity.

Love,
Me


image nabbed from Miss Angie at My So-Called Chaos