I can only tell you what it feels like.

I haven't updated you guys with a Personal Post in a while.  I guess that it is time.

Most of you know that my mom and I moved back to Florida at the end of last year.  For months it was all about the settling in.  Now we have moved on to various renovation projects, as it has become apparent that some are sorely needed.  We are about to be in the middle of a kitchen demolition and remodel.  I have never done that before, but I am anticipating that it will be fun fun fun.  We are also doing several things to make the house more energy efficient given that nothing has been done since it was built in 1976.  So, it is perfectly up-to-code for a house built in 1976, but not so much for a house in 2013.  Let me put it like this: the air flow is terrible.  Since it has been winter, I have been loving it because I LIKE it cooler, and all of the rooms where I spend the most time have *terrible* air flow.  However, when the weather gets warmer, this is going to be a real problem.  So, the entire house needs to be reducted, sealed, and the insulation in the attic needs to be brought up to code.  And that just gives you an idea of what we are doing here.

A friend of ours (from when we lived here several years ago) referred me to a doctor that she found who turned her world upside down and made everything right in her world.  She became very ill after we left.  So ill that this doctor was the 17th doctor she saw in Florida in her effort to get well.  Man, do I know this feeling.  Anyway, we shall call this doctor of the female persuasion Dr. M henceforth.  Dr. M is an M.D., but she is definitely an outside the box thinker.  She ran a Nutritional Analysis on my friend to discover what her problem(s) were.  Once they started treating those, my friend got much better.  She now thinks Dr. M is a miracle worker or something like that.  Anyway, my friend was absolutely insistent that I see the infamous Dr. M when we moved back here.  So, I did.

My appointment was supposed to be at the end of March, but was moved up to mid-February thanks to a cancellation.  I was impressed by how quickly I was seen.  As a person who is well versed with doctors and waiting, shock is actually a better word.  I never even made it to my chair in the lobby before I was called back.  Say what???  Once I got into a room, I never even opened my book before the woman herself... yes, that would be Dr. M. walked in.  I gasped due to disbelief.  I might have even said, "I can't believe it's actually you."  I am sure it sounded totally idiotic... whatever came out of my mouth.

She said, "I am on time today."  Like this is normal.  What universe had I landed in?

She then preceded to take my ENTIRE history dating from when my migraines began.  That would be back in January 2003.  She wanted to know about everything.  My personal history, the nature of the headache, how I had been treated (medically), who had treated me and what they had done.  It was a lot of talking.  She also wanted to know about any new developments in my health, which unfortunately there were.  And she took a look at my most recent lab results.  And then I waited.

Her diagnosis: My migraines were not the primary problem and would never go away using pain medication or migraine medication.  Tell me something I don't know.  So she did.  The migraines are actually a symptom of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) that was brought on by the constant barrage of  abuse by my ex-husband.  Woah.  You could have blown me off the chair with a feather.  The good news is that it is treatable with counseling from someone who specializes in PTSD counseling.  Not treating it will just cause my body to continue to break down.  My immune system is functioning on high levels right now.  As she put it, "Your body is working overtime just to stay alive.  And in the process it is killing itself."  Yeah, I get the irony.

So, while my body has been working overtime to stay alive I have become hypoglycemic, developed fibromyalgia, am chronically fatigued, and have numerous auto-immune issues.  I have other antibodies that are on the verge of flipping to auto-immune if my body doesn't stop working so hard at trying to stay alive.  In addition to this counseling, I now have to eat way more healthily and often.  The health food store and I are becoming fast friends.  Do you have a Whole Foods in your town?  Awesome store.  Wish ours was closer.  Moving on...

She also immediately took me off all pain medications.  Yep.  Saving the hardest part for last.  Every doctor has always said that the pain meds cause Rebound Headaches.  Well, that may be true, but you have a headache all the time, with or without the pain meds, and it is a whole lot worse the first few days without.  Especially if the doctor in question doesn't prescribe the RIGHT thing to help combat the symptoms.  Dr. M. prescribed phenergan in a suppository (I am not explaining that one) because she thinks I probably have leaky gut (not explaining that either), and I don't digest or absorb like I should.  Those first few days with no pain meds were MISERABLE.  I was in bed praying for death with the axe.  Does anyone remember those posts?  Me imagining how I could lop off my head with the axe, but not able to figure out how I could effectively wield the thing one-handed, and get the job done?  Well, I was right back there again for almost three days.

And then the cloud lifted.  And just using the phenergan was fairly equivalent to how I did on the pain medication... just without the pain medication.  Hallelujah.  Yes.  I literally was ready to sing the entire Hallelujah Chorus.  Or play it.  Whatevs.

Since then, mom and I have actually been out and about.  Running errands.  I actually feel better.  I have had two sessions with the therapist and have a sense about how this therapy works.  I feel hopeful for the first time in what seems like... forever.  I am even driving again.  For anyone who has been reading this blog, you know what a HUGE step that is.  I am not so disoriented and dizzy that I can't drive.  It feels great.  It feels like freedom.  It feels like hope. 


image found at www.weheartit.com

I'll take the sunshine.

It has been a little bit chaotic here in Robin Land.

You might not have noticed, but I haven't really posted a blog in a while.  It has just been too overwhelming.  We moved again.  I know.  That is crazy, isn't it?  Moving sucks.

However, things happened with my mom and stepdad and they decided to separate and my mom and I really wanted to move back to Florida.  So, we did.  And, after several trips down and looking at a LOT of houses.  And I do mean a LOT.  There were several trips back home when we found nothing and I felt so discouraged by the entire process.   Can anyone relate here???  Anyway, when we finally found THE HOUSE, it was such a relief.  We closed and moved on Nov. 30.  So, we it feels like we have been doing nothing but packing and unpacking for a very long time.

In fact, we are still unpacking.  It does feel a bit endless.

Anyway, I have been trying to read and comment on blogs.  I try to read.  I don't always comment.  Sometimes I do.  Sometimes I don't.  Sometimes I miss a day of reading.  It has been a bit of hit and miss.

There is other stuff going on (isn't there always???), but I will save it for my next blog.  I want to have something to write about!


image found at www.weheartit.com

Do You Own Things Or Do They Own You?

Well, I promised to catch you up on some of the more interesting things going on here in my world.  I think that I will make this a series of posts.  There honestly is too much stuff to just stuff it into one post.  Plus, I think it would be good for me to try and write shorter posts.

Our house is up for sale and we are moving.  So, there is a lot of sorting going on right now.  A decision has been made that we are NOT lugging all of this junk again.  So, a great deal of stuff is going to the church yard sale on Oct. 20.  Some stuff is taking a direct trip to the trash.  And then there is creative repackaging.  That is my way of storing all of my DVDs in cake boxes vs the original packaging so that I can now store them in a drawer or closet.  For those of you not familiar with the term "cake box," it is just the plastic circular storage box that holds DVDs.  It has nothing to do with actual cake.  Although I am now hungry for cake.  I hate how the human brain works.

I have been putting off going through my closet.  I actually tackled shoes and purses already.  Who knew I had so many shoes?  Or purses?  Aacchh.  I am still in mourning over so many of my size small cute tops that I pitched when we moved here and I now wish I had.  But, I am going to pitch anything that doesn't actually fit, because it is too big, and call it a day.  I have boxes of clothes in so many sizes that you wouldn't believe it.  And pretty much all of my "dressy" clothes are from a previous life.  They are about to be history.  However, since I pretty much live in my pajamas, who am I freaking kidding?  Oh yeah, that would be my mom.

Then there are my college clothes that I don't want to part with that have those "cool" logos on them.  And I liked my clothes "oversized" then and I was about 10-15 pounds heavier then.  But, it is memorabilia.  And this is why I dread the clothes sort.

I first read a book called RIDE THE WIND by Lucia St. Clair Robson, that was a historical fiction loosely based around the true story of Cynthia Ann Parker and the Comanche Indians, back in the early 90s.  I was fascinated by the story itself, the attention to detail on the Comanche ways, etc.  I took away more than I can even begin to tell you in one posting from that book.  But the thing that is hanging with me today is the understanding that they had about material possessions: you don't own things ; things own you.  It was a fundamental belief that Native Americans had about ownership that the white man didn't comprehend at that time. Europeans came to America for a piece of land that they could call their own.  And the Native Americans didn't understand land ownership.  Land was never meant to be owned.  It was a core value that they simply didn't share.  You stayed on one piece of land too long and you drained it of its resources.  If you didn't buy it and title it, you didn't have anything to call yours.  Buy it from who?  And round and round it went.

Sitting where I do, I see both sides of that argument.  I also see that the Native Americans are right about things owning you.  The less you have, the less you have to lug around.  The less you have to sort.  It seems like more is better because everyone wants it.  But is it really?  Or are we just conditioned to think more is better?

When have you been happier?  When you've had more or less?  Or did it matter?  Is the problem when we make our happiness contingent on things?  In other words, if you need the things... that is the time you absolutely should get rid of them.  Because happiness only will come from within.


image found on facebook.... so shocking

The Good Stuff

Things went into overdrive insane around here prior to our trip to Ohio and I just couldn't write. I really hate when that happens because then all of the writing just piles up. Then I am totally overloaded with stuff to tell you. And then I feel like I am back to the bullet point post in order to get it all out. Good thing I know you just LOVE them.

• Okay, so a long time ago my parents came to the obvious conclusion that this house had to go up for sale because it was just too much house, too much mortgage, simply too much. The question was where to move? And when to put it on the market? All that stuff.
• The problems where many. But the biggest lie in that my mom really wants to move back to very south GA (bordering on N. FL), very close to where we used to live and my step-dad has decided he likes it right here. There really isn't a compromise there.
• I also want to move back to the FL area.
• Just before the vacation the whole thing came to a head. That would be a blow-out argument in the kitchen for the inquisitive minds. Step-dad yelled that he was staying here. Mom calmly said okay. And then it was over. She did add that we were going, though.
• And it has been very odd since then. I honestly have no idea what will happen.
• When we went to Ohio, we were strongly thinking about changing our plan and moving there instead. The reasons to go are many. All of the family is there. Mom is turning 70 this year. We have friends there, too. The reason against is that winters are brutal. Amazing that the con can have so much influence, but I really can't imagine doing that again.
  
• I hate winter. And mom isn't a fan, either.
• However, my old drama teacher from high school, who I loved loved loved, is back to selling real estate and she showed us some houses. We had lunch with her on Monday and looked at houses on Tuesday. It was so much fun.
  
• I think I am skipping ahead....
• Our first stop was actually Akron. We had a lovely memorial service for my aunt, who died earlier this year from cancer. It was nice for those who couldn't make it and those who could. It was at a private room in a restaurant. Lots of storytelling and laughter. Minus all the sadness and grief. It was good. Then we spread her ashes in a river that ran by a covered bridge that she loved.
  
• My mom and uncle stood up on the road. My mom said, "There she goes." My uncle said, "She always did like to swim." Yep. That was the kind of day it was. Full of awesome sauce.
• Not all of the ashes went in the river that day. A couple days later, my aunt, uncle, mom, and I trekked out to the cemetery where my grandparents are buried to put some in the flower holder of their grave. She decided she want to be buried next to them.
  
• That didn't really work out, so this seemed like a good alternative.
  
• That cemetery takes *forever* to get to, for the record, and I thought this day would never end.
  
• Also, it reinforced for me that your loved ones are not there. I felt absolutely no sense of my grandparents at that place. It was a lovely cemetery, but they were not there.
• While in Akron, mom and I stayed with her best friend from h.s. and her husband. That could be a blog all its own. My mom's friend has Parkinson's, and has had for years.
  
• Watching her ongoing struggle and determination not to give in to this disease is inspiring.
• Watching her husband be the support system that he is, despite the fact that they overdosed her with medication at the onset, and she no longer remembers him, is also inspiring. She remembers everyone else, but not him. The psychiatrists say that is not uncommon to lose the person you love the most in this sort of situation.
  
• Fortunately, since they got her meds back on track she is able to rebuild new memories. She thinks of him as a nice man and excellent caregiver, but not her husband. And he is okay with that.
• He also taught me how to juice with his amazing juicer. It was an item that he bought when his wife was dealing with liver cancer (yes, she appears to have beaten that without chemo or radiation). Anyway, we had great fun whipping up concoctions in the juicer every day.
  
• Now I really want one for my very own. His was about $300 back when. I don't have any idea what they are running for now. I am a bit scared to price them. The key is that it is a cold system. No heat involved. Or so he was telling me. Anyway, it made fantastic juice.
• Then I went to a Family Reunion where I didn't hardly know anyone. Those are always fun. But I did reconnect with one person that I did actually know, so that was good:-)
• Now, we are back to my hometown and looking at real estate, which I already covered. See how I skip around...
• And we stayed with my mom's friend. She is always so much fun. Last time I was there she had no internet. So, imagine my surprise when she had an IPAD and internet. She leaped right into the technological age with both feet and LOVES it. It was hard to pry that thing out of her hands!
• Plus, I had wireless for my laptop. Yay. But that meant I got nothing done on my WIP, which I dragged along.
• I also met up with a friend of mine from high school that I hadn't seen in 16 years. We were in drama together. You can only imagine what that was like. Well maybe not. But there was no silences. Let me tell you. Talk talk talk talk. And tons of laughter.
• Oh, and she took some seriously goofy pictures of us, which I have yet to see, but I expect to pop up on my facebook any day now.
• And, did I tell you that I cut my hair and donated it to Locks of Love? I have been meaning to write an entire post about it, but I have been a total slacker. My hair was all the way down to my derriere, so I pulled out the ruler and started measuring.
  
• It was the only thing I could think of to do to show support for my friend's little boy who has cancer. All of the family that I have who had cancer cannot benefit from the gift, but so many other people can. Not everyone can give the gift of 11" inches of hair, but I could, so I did. And I still have hair to spare.
  
• My DNA may suck and my blood would likely be sent back because of my negative antibodies, but I can donate hair. We do what we can DO.
• Lastly, this was a really good trip for reconnecting with my brother and sister-in-law. We are getting along so much better now. Since I last saw them, I have worked really hard to forge a good relationship with my SIL and it is paying off. I text her, call her, etc. and things were really good this trip. So, the whole trip felt like a raging success.
• The only negative thing I can possibly say is also a positive thing. There is a girl who treated me really badly in junior high school (but we were good friends, prior) and she really hurt my feelings. This deep hurt forced me to find other friends. Because of this "catastrophe" I found my best friend, who I will always treasure.
  
• That catastrophe was a blessing in disguise. Anyway, this old "friend" still lives in the area and we reconnected as adults and things seemed better. I constantly tell myself that people do grow up. So, I have made a point of seeing her when I visit. Anyway, I really thought things were different.
  
• Things got confusing on facebook (don't they always???) and I asked her about it. She responded. I misunderstood, responded, reread what she said, responded again indicating I misunderstood and apologized, and I never heard anything back from her.
  
• Her wedding happened while we were there.
  
• I never heard from her before I left for this trip, even though I sent her several emails. There were no emails back to get together to help her get ready for her wedding, definitely no wedding invite, nada.
  
• Ironically, in her initial message she called me one of her "oldest and dearest friends." I sure hate to think about how she treats her enemies.
• Anyway, it was NOT spending time with her that made it possible to reconnect with my drama friend. And I am so glad that happened.
  
• It also reminded me that our definitions of friendship are most likely not the same. These are always good things to know. Sometimes it has to look like pain in order to open your eyes to what actually is.
  

image found on facebook, of course