BoTB Results and A Big Ask

Ah, friends, I'm already not keeping up well. It's well past the day I should've posted Battle of the Bands results... and here we are. Sigh. So, let's get that bit of business out of the say, shall we?

The battle was Dr. John versus Billy Joel, and the song was In A Sentimental Mood. It was actually a tight battle in the end with your votes looking like this:

Dr. John: 11

Billy Joel: 8

That's pretty close. I'm undecided even now. Point of fact, I have YouTube playing them even as I speak to help me decide the matter once and for all. I'll let let you know how it turns out by the time this post ends.

So, what is going on that has me so wrapped up that I haven't been blogging? (I know this is what you're thinking.)

I'm not certain where to begin. For those of you who are praying sorts, H-Girl still needs a boatload of prayer. In my pre-camp post she'd moved out of her father's house and in with a girlfriend. She's 17 and legally an adult in SC, though she can't actually drop out of school until her 18th birthday (January). There's good reason to believe she's doing drugs (no idea what sort, but stronger than pot) and doesn't seem inclined to stop. It's all very worrisome, and migraine-inducing, as she's still not responding to emails and her father disconnected her cell phone (not that she'd take my call anyway). So, there really isn't anything I can do except pray for her, which I do frequently, but I know that once someone begins this journey she has to want to quit. I also know that it can be a lifetime addiction. I really hate that. It also can mean an early death (and that is extremely scary). So, this is a situation that is all hands on the prayer deck. If you go to a church and would be willing to have your entire church pray for her, please add her to your prayer chain(s). You can email if you want information.

One of the things that has stuck with me from camp is something one of the counselors said fourth week in our Saturday morning devotions, which is the time we share what we've learned from the week, and that was this: "This week reminded me that I don't pray big enough. I forget how big God is, and I put my own limitations of what I think God can do in any given situation when I pray. And that is wrong. God is huge. God is the Creator.. way beyond my capacity to problem solve." He didn't say it exactly like that, but close enough. And it really struck me. How often have I done that? All the freakin' time. I've even done it in the situation above (maybe especially in the situation above, not wanting to bother people etc etc and blah blah blah). In doing so, by not telling people, by not bothering people, I've not given them the opportunity to pray to the eternal God, the creator of all things on behalf of someone who doesn't even know she's walking the line between life and death. Or maybe just between freedom and incarceration. Or a life of addiction and one free from that. All because of the limitations I put on God or others or myself.

This past Sunday my mom (who usually leads the praise singing at church) didn't go as she fell the day before (she's okay. sore. but okay.). Anyway, she usually says something before the singing to kick off the service. I've done it once before (with notice and was prepared), but this past Sunday not so much. So, I was in the car pondering the dilemma of what to say, thinking I had quite a few camp things I could share, but which thing??? And JUST THEN the song King of The World by Natalie Grant came on the radio. I'd never heard the song before, but it reminded me of what that counselor in the Saturday devotions said, and I knew what God wanted me to say. Pray bigger. He's the King of the world.

Pray bigger, my friends.

Well, I still don't know how I'd vote in my battle. I kinda got distracted with my post. Probably Billy Joel. I like the lyrics, you know. (shocking)

Christmas Reloaded: Thanks Liza

I've spent the better part of the last two hours thinking about Miss Liza's comment on my blog post from last night.  ::sigh::

In turn, that made me think about the post itself.  If you missed it, you can read it here.  This post won't make all that much sense if you don't...

My father always used to say that anger wasn't a valid emotion.  Why do I remember this?  Because every time I was "mad" about something he would say that I needed to dig a little deeper.  Mad wasn't valid.  It was just the veneer covering up something else.  Naturally.  More often than not, that something else was hurt feelings.  You could always dig a little deeper to get to the whys and wherefores, but that was usually the crux of the matter.  Funny (or not) how often we had that little conversation.  All depends upon your perspective, I suppose.

After so many years of H-Girl hurting my feelings I had built up immunity.  I went into this Christmas EXPECTING her to do it.  And she didn't.  In fact, she surprised me by being the opposite of what I expected.  I didn't expect C-Man to do it and he did and I got mad.  In fact, I got really mad.  It isn't that I love him more.  I don't.  I just don't have an immunity built up.  And the more you love people, the more you give them the power to hurt you.  No one can hurt you without your consent.

And it was like I said in the blog explaining what those gifts were: they were ME.  Many of those things were what I treasured most when I was their age.  And still do.  They are actually parts of ME.  And they were mocked, scorned, ridiculed, and laughed at like they were nothing.  Actually less than nothing.  So, yeah it hurt.

And Miss Liza might be right that one day C-Man might understand what those things meant to me.  But, right now he can't even keep up with where his cell phone is.  So, I don't hold much hope of his being able to actually find any of these items when the awareness sinks into his brain, if it ever does.  The books will likely be in a library, Goodwill, or the local landfill.  And all of the cartoons that I painstakingly cut out will definitely be lining a trash can.  And the quote that I so painstakingly wrote out in calligraphy... who knows where it will be?  However, I highly doubt C-Man's ability to be able to find it when "the light" comes on.

I made a judgment call here.  C-Man is 15. H-Girl is 14.  I was at a place where I didn't have much to give for Christmas but me, and that is what I did.  I was counting on them being mature enough to understand what they were being given.  I asked a bit more of C-Man.  He was older and had exhibited more maturity to date.  I made the wrong call.  So, maybe the fault lies with me.  The treasures were mine.  I am the adult.  I could have just said that there will be no gifts this year and made that call.  It wouldn't have made me the most popular, but there are all kinds of lessons.  They would have still gotten the stuff.  I would have just saved it for a time when they were equipped to appreciate it.  Of course, that would have denied H-Girl her opportunity to shine.  And she hasn't done that in a really long time.

Seems to me this is another round of Lessons.  Maybe we all had to take one for the team in order for H-Girl to shine on this one.





 image found on facebook

I'm about to shove that book up your...::Merry Christmas::

I think I mentioned that this was the strangest Christmas ever here in the land of Robin.  What with the move at the end November, there just was NO time for Christmas shopping, decorating, gifting, etc.  We let everyone know that we simply were not gifting this year.  We LOVED everyone just as much as ever, but we were stretched and stressed out. 

With this in mind, I knew it would make for a bizarre-o Christmas for H-Girl and C-Man.  I used to be The Gifter like that insane woman in the commercial who buys buys buys.  Yes, I was a Dream Come True for a kid.  I loved Christmas as a kid and I wanted them to love it, too.  I wanted them to have all of my traditions and feel.the.love.  As it turns out, my ex had tons of traditions of his own, and his family had lots of love to give, too.  So, they were WELL LOVED on Christmas.  By Christmas afternoon they went into Christmas shell-shock.  And still the gifts kept coming.  So much family dysfunction.  So many divorces.  So many relatives.  So much LOVE.

After my ex and I divorced, I decided that it was a good thing when I moved to FL, and I actually did Christmas with them in January.  They had a few weeks to come off the Christmas high.  I also decided, at long last, to tone it down somewhat.  A serious lack of finances will do that to you.  Add to that the realization that all of that STUFF wasn't actually making them better people.  Go figure.  Did you know that more stuff in the hands of children does not equate to a better child?  Seriously.  I have seen the results.  It is fact.

However, I knew that "no gifts this year" would not make me the best non-mom ever.  So, I decided, as I was packing up my stuff, to go through it and give them the gift of me.  Stuff I would like them to have maybe a little sooner than I intended.  Or stuff that I thought they would like that was currently mine.  It turned out that this was easier for H-Girl than C-Man since we are both... girls.  I did luck up and find the comforter that I bought for C-Man back when I was planning on redecorating his room WAY back in the day.  As in back when he lived with me.  Yeah, that was in storage a long time.  Fortunately, I chose something that was suitable for a boy of any age.  Lucky me.  The rest of the boy stuff looked a lot like this:

In addition to the novels, I did find a book on Astronomy to mix it up.  And I also found some "really old" books that I thought were interesting, simply because they were the first books I bought with my own money from Scholastic Book Services.  Ergo, they were important to me.  I also found a Neil Simon play because the kid showed some interest in drama at school last year.  However, I should have realized that he had totally lost all interest in reading and this was NOT going to be a hit when he was not happy about his birthday present (another book) that I had shipped to him earlier in December.  He was less than thrilled to get it. 

When I saw him he still had not read it.  So, I should have known that this bounty of books was going to go over like... well, a bad smell.  What did he say about my precious books, that I had so valiantly saved because they were my first ever book purchases?  "Oooh, they are old.  Look at the pages.  They are yellowing.  What is the copyright date on this?  1981.  Mommy, you are REALLY OLD." 

He had been quoting from the Neil Simon play as he was flipping through it earlier.  I hadn't really looked at it as thoroughly as I should have, and Mr. Simon used the sh*t word quite frequently.  C-Man found this to be rather amusing.  He substituted poop and kept quoting from the play.  One of the lines was about shoving something up someone's something.  I then told C-Man if he didn't lay off my book I was going to shove it up his ::something::  Merry Freaking Christmas.

Ironically, this story usually plays the other way.  Usually C-Man is a darling and H-Girl has me pulling my hair.  H-Girl was a delight.  She loved all of her hair things, fingernail polish, pedicure kit, the tiara I gave her from when I married her dad (let's face it, I won't be using that again), some purses, a tye-dye kit, some pictures in frames from when she and her brother were younger, and bracelets like these that I made when I was a camp counselor:

Those she really loved.  None of mine had the cool peace sign, but she REALLY liked them, and she thought it was pretty awesome that I knew how to make them.  I think I went up a notch.

I also gave C-Man all of my favorite cartoons that I had cut out from the newspaper and saved from the 80s.  I don't think it even registered.  He is hording that along with my treasured Calvin and Hobbes Book that was a collector's item. I gave that to him last year.  He probably lost it.  I would ask, but I just don't want to hear him tell me that he has "no idea" where it is.  I'd hate to lose control of my arm and accidentally clock him in the jaw.

My doctor told me this last visit that my stress is way too high.  She says that I need to do one hour of meditation daily.  I think she's right.


images found at www.weheartit.com

Feel The Love Bullet Style

Today is supposed to be Inspirational Music post Sunday. Or something like that. Honestly, with the Grammy Awards tonight, I am totally jazzed about music. However, I am exhausted and kinda migrainey. I really don't have a music post in me. So, I was thinking about a Bullet Point post instead. It might help me stay focused, since we all know I have a tendency to wander around. And you all get the junk. Good deal, right? Besides, I haven't done one of these in a while and they are fun.

*Turns out that while my ex was out of town a couple of weeks ago, the kids' bio mom sent H-Girl a text on Yahoo Instant Messenger. Apparently, H-Girl has had enough of bio-mom's not calling on birthdays, Christmas, and all that for the last ten years that one text wasn't going to be enough to mend the fence with her. And she let her have it.
*Bio-mom copied this instant message conversation and emailed it to my ex because she couldn't believe that H-Girl would actually say that she didn't want to talk to her.
*H-Girl confirmed that it was her and she didn't want to talk to her.
*Now, C-Man is bending over backwards to make up for H-Girl's lack and bio-mom is using it. Apparently, she is NOW calling C-Man all of the time hoping that this will somehow make a difference with H-Girl.
*It isn't working.
*However, H-Girl did have her belated birthday bowling party yesterday. That was interesting. When I arrived there were only two other people there. One was a cousin of H-Girl's that I knew and one was a woman and little girl that I did not.
*Turns out that the woman was someone my ex dated over the summer and is friends with his sister. Apparently, she is maintaining a relationship with the kids.
*She sure knew who I was.
*She went on and on about how she was going to pick up H-Girl after school one day so that they could have some girl time. She had called to see what she wanted and it was a comforter for her bed. Now they could get it together. Wasn't that wonderful? I wanted to puke.
*This doesn't make me a wretched person, does it?
*I tried to buy H-Girl said comforter for Christmas, but she kept spending her Christmas money on other stuff until it was all gone. Each time she bought something, I kept saying, "You won't be able to buy the comforter if you buy that." Each time she said, "But I want this MORE." And there you go.
*So, H-Girl arrives and sees the aforementioned ex-girlfriend sitting there with her toddler and walks over to her. The ex pulls H-Girl in close and tells her this plan of taking her shopping for the comforter. Her back is to me but I can see her nodding and can only assume she is happy with this gift. Again, I am feeling pukey. And somewhat guilt-ridden for feeling pukey, because this is a nice thing after all.
*Then, H-Girl turns around, sees me, and her face lights up like a Christmas tree. BEST GIFT EVER. She did not light up when seeing Miss Comforter Giver. Score One for Mom. Finally.
*H-Girl runs over and actually gives me HUGE hug.
*C-Man waves from the counter area and says, "Hi Mommy." Okay, this was less than stellar, but you can't win them all.
*I did mention to the ex that perhaps now that H-Girl was releasing all of her vindictiveness on to bio mom she might actually be nicer to all of the other women in her life who love her.
*Ex said he never thought of that.
*Hmmmmm.
*I had lovely conversations with the ex's aunt and his father. His dad is a really nice man. He actually is a supervisor at the water department (maintenance) and when I sold maintenance stuff I worked with some of the foreman who worked for him. So, I have known him for quite a while. Like I said, super guy.
*H-Girl won her bowling game.
*The ex won his.
*C-Man came in second place on his team.
*And I got H-Girl a book that is the second in a series. I got her the first one for Christmas.
*People, she was actually excited about it. I kid you not. I quote, "Is this the second one after the one got me for Christmas?"
*I didn't think it was possible, but I think I might have found the reader in that kid.
*I almost cried.
*Meanwhile, I brought a friend of mine with me to this thing and my ex was talking his ear off the WHOLE TIME during cake and presents.
*He was about ready to cry, too.
*By the time we were ready to leave, C-Man was full of hugs and "love yous." H-Girl was still loving mom. She was thrilled that I had watched her bowl her game. So, I was good for several hugs, lots of love yous, and she was even excited about a sleepover.
*Magic is alive.
*I asked my friend when we got in his truck what my ex had to say and he said, "I really couldn't tell you, but he is full of more bs than anyone I have ever met."
*That sounds about right.
*It was exhausting being married to the man, but that is another blog, which I probably won't write.
*It was then pizza and karaoke.
*It took over an hour for our food to arrive. That has never happened before. I was seriously hungry.
*I totally rocked Elton John's Empty Garden (Hey Hey Johnny).
*I was so tired when I got home that I didn't even have time for my usual insomnia. Can you believe that?
*I spent most of today lying around feeling exhausted, but not sleeping. And migrainey.
*Yah, today is much more typical of my regular life.
*Oh, and thinking about Marshall Mathers and the Grammys.
*He is up for 10 Awards. I hope you guys are cheering him on.
*I hope he wears something nice. No sweatpants or athletic pants at the Grammys.
*And a smile would be nice.
*Just sayin'.


image found at www.weheartit.com

DAY 29: WHAT YOU WANT TO SAY, BUT CAN'T

Dear C-Man and H-Girl,

I wish that I could tell you all of the secrets about how to get through middle school and high school without getting emotionally scarred. Unfortunately, I can't. It isn't because I don't want to, but because I just don't know how to protect you from those landmines. I wish I could say that I had the answers because I once was in middle school and high school. However, things have changed. I never once worried about getting shot, stabbed, or physically hurt at school. In junior high I was under emotional and verbal assault daily, and that was very traumatic. However, I never felt forced to try drugs or sell drugs. I never had to walk through a metal detector to get in or out of school. Teachers still had control over their classrooms and paddling was allowed. Just knowing that you could get paddled made paddling virtually unnecessary. In my three years of junior high school, only one instance of paddling actually took place. That news spread like wildfire through the hallways. I am sure that the echoes of that paddling squashed future bad behavior for at least another three years. That kid probably got another paddling when he got home.

When I was in school, the parents picked up where the school left off, instead of raking the teachers over the coals for not giving their kid preferential treatment and other b.s. Taking the threat of paddling out of the school system is one of the worst things that they have done to you. I know that you might not see that right now. But, it has allowed kids to take over the school. And that is why they felt confident enough to smuggle in knives. And the parents supported their kid's bad behavior. And then it was guns. And now it is out of control. And everyone is pointing the finger at everyone else. It all went to hell when the parents took the power away from the teacher to discipline the kids in school. The threat of a paddling used to be enough to hold everything in check. Now it is all flying fast and loose. We need the police to guard the doors and monitor the metal detectors.

C-Man, things are different for you because you go to a fine arts magnet school. You aren't dealing with that sort of crap. Everyone must have top-notch grades and an interest in art, dance, or theatre to be there. (I would have loved going to your school.) I love the fact that you love the theatre and are leaning in that direction. You are taking Theatre 2 this year and Stagecraft to learn all about the backstage stuff. It is easier for me to help you with your "problems" because they are more like what my problems would have been. How do I prepare for this part? What monologue do I choose? Is this over the top or not enough? You are also writing short stories already and they are good. You understand how to write dialogue. Wow. That shocks me whenever I read your stuff. The things that will break your heart will be not getting the part that you know you were meant for and that will hurt so much. Or it will be the girl in drama who is just a friend but that you want to be more. I know how that feels. These are the problems that I can relate to, but I have no idea how to overcome them. I ran those same circles myself. It is ground I know well. All I can say to you is to do the best you can with what you have. That pain of not getting the girl will work for you in some other part somewhere down the line. Remember that feeling so that you can channel it later. It will be amazing how it will come right back on demand. I am sorry I don't have anything more to make your life better. They call it schooling for a reason.

H-Girl, we have not talked since the last letter I wrote you. I have thought about you a great deal since then. I have weighed this against that and tried to sort out what I think is going on. In some ways you are like your brother. If you were going to a magnet school, you would also be very involved in theatre. You tend to imitate whoever you are around. When you came to live with us, you were the diplomat. You felt it was your job to soothe C-Man because he got so angry. He was so angry because he couldn't stop the abusive situation he had been living in. He was already feeling it was his job as the oldest son to protect his mother. Of course, that was impossible. He was four years old. So, he got angry. And your biological mother did what she could to protect her children from her husband even if it meant taking the hits. She was the diplomat. She tried to soothe the angry man. And that is what you did when C-Man got angry. Your job was to try and soothe the angry little boy.

When he became less angry, you then started to become more like me. You were the person who was very aware of what was going on at all times. You knew who was where when. You were the little mom. You were my thoughtful, sensitive to others, gentle spirit of a child. Now you have been living with your dad for the last five years and you have become like him. I see that now. The reason you don't know how to do your school work is because you have manipulated your brother into doing it for you. You have been taking lessons from your dad on how to get things done. You are a quick study. The thing is that it isn't serving you well. I cannot fix this for you. You are surrounded by landmines. I cannot even tell your father how this has happened because it will force him to look in the mirror and see that you have merely copied his bad behavior. My previous line of thought was that you would have to carry a terrible burden when you understood as an adult that you manipulated and bullied your way through school. Now I understand that manipulative adults didn't just become that way all of a sudden. It was a learned behavior that started in childhood. What happens to that childhood bully on the playground? They become a manipulative bully as an adult. Of course they do. Unless a force bigger than them steps in and forces them to change their path, that is exactly what happens.

I am so sorry H-Girl, because there is nothing that I can say that will change your circumstances. Your father has tied my hands as far as what I can do. You would have to come live with me for me to make the difference, and your dad has already said "No" to that more than once. On top of that, even if I got a "Yes" now, you have spent the last five years mirroring how to manipulate someone to get what you want. It would take me several stressful years before you accepted that I don't play that. My body can't tolerate that stress. Your dad nearly killed me with the stress he doled out, and I bet you have taken his skills and maximized them. You always were street smart. You are running rings around your father and he doesn't even know it.

The only thing I know to say to you is this: look at how empty your father's life is. People don't like being manipulated. Eventually they realize you are pulling their strings and they leave. Not only do they leave, but they leave mad. You can continue to model after him, but your life will look exactly like his. It will be empty. People will do your bidding until they figure out what is going on and then they will walk away. Right now all you are seeing is how much fun it is to yank everyone's chain and watch them perform for you. If you are going to continue to model after your father, you need to look closer. He drives everyone he loves away from him. I wish I could tell you that, but you are going to have to figure it out for yourself. It is going to be one of those really painful lessons. Unlike your father, I hope you understand what you're doing and make the changes so that you can actually have a life with real people in it who love you.

I love you both, forever and always.

Love,
Mom


image purloined from Miss Angie at My So-Called Chaos