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You know what I haven't done in a long time? A bullet point post. Those are excellent for times like now when I don't have a singular topic that I really want to blog on, but I have MANY thoughts rolling around in the noggin'.
- I am still working on the novel, for all of you have been DYING OF CURIOSITY regarding this matter. I can't say that the progress is particularly fast, but I am still working at it. I find it interesting how much time I spend just thinking about the characters and where the story will go. Does anyone else who writes do this?
- On my way home tonight, I nearly had a car accident in the round about. It is a pretty low traffic area. There are only three lanes of traffic going into and out of the round about. (In other words the road T's out on one end.) If you unfamiliar with a roundabout, each car going into the roundabout has a yield sign. Ergo, if there is another vehicle in the roundabout, you wait until they have passed before entering. I was behind another car approaching from the bottom part of the T, if you can visualize that, and would ultimately be making a left turn. While I was in the roundabout, a minivan, who was approaching from the right side of the T, waited for the car in front me, and then decided to just come on out. I kept on going, but I really thought they were going to just plunge into my side.
- Do you think that they didn't understand Yield? Maybe they thought it meant you take turns. I am not sure, but it sure took my breath away.
- Still going to my tapping therapy approximately once a week. We are now really getting into what I would consider the really traumatic issues. I have learned a lot. For instance...
- Every bad thing that has happened to me relates back in some way to Boundaries. All of my life, my Boundaries have been Terrible. Some of the worst things that I have allowed to happen to me simply stem from a belief system of not wanting to hurt someone else's feelings... even if it has meant doing horrible damage to myself.
- I don't know how we can teach ourselves, and our kids better younger, that we have value, but this needs to happen. Yes, being kind to others is very important, but kindness to others at the expense of yourself isn't actually a kindness. It's a Boundary Issue. It's actually telling someone that you don't have any. And people who have Reverse Boundary Issues (they don't respect other people's boundaries) will be drawn to someone with Boundary Issues like a magnet. I know this to be true. It is the pattern that I lived repeatedly.
- In order to break a pattern, you have to see the pattern. That is freeing information right there.
- In addition to my not wanting to hurt anyone else's feelings, I have a Rescuer Complex. This is actually another Boundary Issue. The Rules of Life indicate that you will reap what you sow.... unless someone alters the natural order of things. That someone would be a Rescuer.
- Rescuers disallow people with other Boundary Issues from feeling the pains of their habits. For instance, if someone is bad with money, the only way they will get better is if they suffer from their poor budgeting. If they have a Rescuer in their life, that person will never feel the pain of their mismanagement. However, the Rescuer will. There is a Law and someone will feel the pain.
- Let's just say that 20+ years of Rescuing and being in close relationships with people who have Reverse Boundary Issues have taken their toll.
- The Rules of Life still apply and it says that everyone will always reap what they have sown. I am reaping what I have sown. I am reaping 20+ years of acceptance that other people's wants were more important than my needs, as well as all of that Rescuing. For my trouble, I got a ten year migraine and a host of autoimmune issues.
- So, what I know is this: the spirit rejects these things and transforms this bad thinking into illness.
- Conversely, I must believe as the thinking improves, the manifestations in the body will follow.
- Understanding Boundary Issues has given me a whole new perspective on my life. I can now see that things didn't "just happen" to me. I can also own my part in the things that did happen. Grasping that makes all the difference because getting that means not allowing those things to happen again.
- It feels like I was asleep for all of my life and I just woke up. I didn't know any of the Rules of Life and that was why it was so hard. Life will never be "easy" but it can make sense.
And that is pretty much the news in the Land of Robin. Please leave a comment and tell me what is going on in the Land of You!
There's a movie called the Rescuers...
ReplyDeleteYou're a rescuer and I'm a defender. At least, that's what my name means.
Here in the South, people don't have a clue what yield means. A four-way yield intersection would result in everyone staring at each other.
I spend months planning out a book before I write the first one. So that's not odd at all.
I think sometimes about how much of my life has been wasted due to my lack of higher expectations for myself. Obese people tend to be people pleasers to their detriment. I try to look at my past as what has been necessary to bring me to where I am today. Overcoming anything that takes care of the needs of others at the expense of our own is tough because those people have come to expect certain behaviors from us. This makes it all the more difficult to break out of the mold. We just can't look back I guess because that's not the direction we are going - right?
ReplyDeleteSome people spend an entire lifetime, and never "figure things out" about themselves, so you're way ahead on that. What you call boundary issues reminds me of a pop psych book I read in the '70s called, "I'm OK; You're OK." (And you ARE okay... and well on the way to getting over the boundary issues, so YAY, you!)
ReplyDeleteYes, I've been doing a lot of thinking for my next book, too. You've gotta have things straight in your head before you can start putting them down on paper.
Alex ~ I don't know that Defender is a Boundary problem, but it is an interesting trait. I have lived in the South for a LONG time. I know precisely what you mean about Yield. People just don't get it. ::sigh:: I figured that all of this Thinking About The Novel stuff was normal, but it feels good to hear that other people do it.
ReplyDeleteMyra ~ I think the only way to break out of any bad patterns (or molds, as you call them) is to recognize and understand the pattern. I know that for a long time I recognized that I was constantly being "taken in" by manipulative, abusive people. They are actually people with Reverse Boundary Issues. However, they would never have gotten anywhere with me had I been firm with my own boundaries right from the start. Understanding that is where you can change things in the FUTURE. You are right about the past being the past (and fixed), but we can definitely learn from our patterns of behavior.
Susan ~ I do feel stronger than I did before. It feels okay (now) to say "no" to someone else knowing that it may hurt their feelings if what they are asking is unacceptable. In other words, someone else's wants are no longer more important than my needs. Establishing good, solid boundaries about what is good, right, and acceptable in your world is not selfish, it is NECESSARY. Ironically, my therapist seems to feel that once I do this I won't even attract people with Reverse Boundary Issues any longer and my desire to Rescue will also dissipate. I guess that is called being healthy in your mind. Yay! I was recently tested by an old boyfriend calling me out of the blue. In the past, I would have jumped at that baited hook and been right back in it. Ironically, I wasn't even tempted. I wish him well, but I have no desire to rescue and didn't even feel attracted any longer. We simply weren't operating on the same "frequency" any longer.
As for my book, I write some and then think a lot. And then I wrote some more and then think a lot. Once I get clear on where I am going I want to get it down. After I get through what I know, I am back to thinking again...
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ReplyDeleteUhm...
>>... "In addition to my not wanting to hurt anyone else's feelings, I have a Rescuer Complex."
You hurt my feelings once. Ain't I "anyone"?
~ D-FensDogg
'Loyal American Underground'
Wow. That's a ton of information. *gulp* Glad you didn't get into a car accident, no matter how close it was, and keep writing, eh? I think the first book is the hardest.
ReplyDeleteStephen ~ I didn't know that, but I never meant to. If you want to email me about it my address is in my sidebar. In the past, I have had WONDERFUL bloggie friends respond to one of my comments that just didn't sit right with me. I decided to send a private email, and each time it turned out that they didn't mean it the way I interpreted it AT ALL. And they felt terrible that I thought that way about the whole thing. There is nuance with words that gets lost in translation sometimes. I never want anyone to feel hurt by anything I say here.
ReplyDeleteCrystal ~ Yeah, that happens sometimes. It seems like I haven't posted anything in a while about "what's going on here" and this is usually the kind of post you get in that sort of scenario. Thanks for the encouragement about the writing. I sure hope you're right about the first one being the hardest!!!
I'm so out of "it" ... at first I thought you were taking a tap dance class. I thought, Yay, for Robin.
ReplyDeleteA tap dance class would do much more for me. All my life, I've just danced my troubles away but I do realize that is not possible for a lot of people. I'm so happy for you and that you are finding yourself and great meaning in this. Good work my dear friend and you are dear.
Knowledge quite literally is power. And I hate minivan drivers (even though I drive one).
ReplyDeleteIt seems that the people I like the most feel as you feel. They place enormous expectations upon themselves and are mortified at the thought of adversely affecting others. I visualize them as terrific people who care, not people with weaknesses. I see them as fully in control because they are, even if they don't know it. BTW, you cannot offend me because you are my friend.
ReplyDeleteI have no clue about the psychology surrounding the feelings of others. I do know that you are a terrific person, and one of the blogging friends I have met personally. I am better for it.
Manzanita ~ I don't think taking dancing lessons or classes is a bad idea. In fact, I think dancing is an excellent way to work out our emotions. I think I told you that I went through a period where I did a lot of country line dancing and partner dancing. I enjoyed it enormously. And when I was a kid I took tap and ballet. So, you don't have to sell me on dancing!
ReplyDeleteSteven ~ I agree about the knowledge business. We can't do any better until we understand what is going on. That requires knowledge. I don't hate minivan drivers, per se, but this fellow (and I think it was a man) certainly was aggressive for someone who didn't have the right of way.
JJ ~ I would say that you have excellent boundaries, JJ. You would never allow someone to treat you badly simply because you decided your feelings didn't matter. I am just not sure how I allowed that to imprint on my brain. You are very empathetic and a wonderful friend WITH an excellent sense of boundaries. That is what I want for me. I don't want to lose my empathy for my fellow man, but I want to establish healthy boundaries. I think you're pretty terrific and I also feel better for knowing you. Now... we really need to schedule a lunch some time soon:)
Good for you taking control of your life. And about the roundabout, they're so simple but people have so much trouble with them.
ReplyDeleteI'm impressed with your level of insight, Robin. With that, and your strength of character, you will surely break out of old patterns and embark on healthier paths. I strongly relate to having Boundary issues and a Rescuer Complex. I've lost myself completely in the process of worrying about/taking care of others - namely my ex-husband, but many others. I think this problem is especially common for women. We're taught to be nurturing, compassionate, and all that. We're not usually taught respect and care for ourselves. Shame we often have to pay a big price to learn this lesson. But the important thing is that we learn it, with time left to create an entirely different journey.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your sincerity and wisdom.
xoRobyn
There's just so much here that I had to read it and go digest some and come back and have another chew at it. You KNOW that I can relate to so much of this and that yes, I kept getting my lessons too. Until I got it. Sometimes I still have to be reminded.
ReplyDeleteI hate wasting life on any of this stuff and yet I know I can't move on until I've gotten every last tid bit that I'm meant to get from it all. Do you have that experience too? You're going along feeling like you've got a hold on this thing and then yeah, there it is again just to be sure. And wow, there's still more to learn...
It's a process I suppose. Those who didn't spend a bunch of time violating their own sense of self just can't imagine the feelings of guilt, shame, etc.
I am so glad to see that you are not in quite so much of the physical pain that manifested from everything you've had going on and that tells me that there is always hope for everyone to come out the other side of whatever is going on in their life.
Miracles do happen and you are one of those, for sure.
I bet you are so excited about life now that it is hard to keep it all to yourself! Thanks for sharing a bit of that wonderfulness with us.
BTW, watch out for crazy drivers. We are everywhere. ;)
I hate roundabouts. Never made sense to me. Forces us to be passive-agressive.
ReplyDeleteWhen you say "tapping," is that the same as EFT? I read some stuff on that. I even try it - especially the one to help calm you down during stress.
Glad you're on your way to getting better. By the way, whenever I come here and I see that dog stuck between the trees. I smile. A lot.
I was over here this morning, and then had to leave before I finished reading. When I got back, my connection glitched up and I had to reboot. And of course when I didn't see your blog up, I promptly forgot. So now I'm just getting back to reading blogs again. It sounds to me as if you're over the hump. You may have little bumps along the way, but as you continue to practice what you've learned and continue acquiring more information, you're definitely heading in the right direction. Good for you!
ReplyDeleteAnd I do lots and lots of thinking before I write. It's part of the process.
Susan ~ It is a process. Yes, people do have trouble with them...
ReplyDeleteRobyn ~ Boundary issues manifest in so many ways. I think that women might suffer more often than men from Rescuer Complex, but I think both women and men have boundary issues. They begin in childhood and persist until we understand that is the problem. It is getting a grip on the pattern and recognizing it for what it is that is key.
Jasmine ~ Girl you hit the nail on the head. " Those who didn't spend a bunch of time violating their own sense of self just can't imagine the feelings of guilt, shame, etc." You are so RIGHT. It is easy to see how others have mistreated us (more or less). It is difficult to understand why it continues to happen! It is only when you look at yourself as the common denominator in the picture do you begin to get a grasp. Then you can start to see the pattern. Then you start to understand boundaries. And then you see what you just said... due to your own inability to set a boundary others hurt you. In other words, you violated your own self by not setting boundaries. Woah. Yes, someone else did you wrong. But, worse, you did you wrong. Over and over again. How much easier would life have been if you had figured this out sooner???? So much pain simply because of an inability to set boundaries. The crimes we commit against ourselves are the hardest to forgive. It's hard work. But the reward is HUGE!
Jay ~ Yes. Now that I have nearly become creamed in the roundabout I find myself being more tentative than I was before, which I know only leads to problems. Slowdowns, blah blah blah. Or passive-aggressive as you say. Yes, tapping is the same as EFT. My therapist uses a variety of tapping points depending upon how difficult it is to tap something out. And we have sometimes gone to another variation on the method altogether for very ingrained beliefs that simply will not let go.
I believe the key to everything in life is balance. It's the most critical element and often the harder to achieve.
ReplyDeleteRobin, first off, the author teaching the novel class I am taking says all that thinking counts as writing. Keep on going girl. As for the rest, well, I just like reading that you are seeing these things and dealing with them and are improving!
ReplyDelete