Stepping Out

It seems like everything on this blog has been weighty and stressful. One big fat *ugghh* at each reading.

The band Train came out with their new album, California 37, in April. I have been psyched about this ever since it arrived on the scene. I even downloaded it on my IPOD immediately. Every song on it is amazing.

I first discovered Train when I was dragged to one of their concerts by the ex-husband. He wasn't an ex at the time. They were playing right here in our hometown, the concert was outside, and it was fairly inexpensive. That meant we were going. This man was willing to travel several states away to see a concert. So we were going. I didn't even know who Train was at the time. I was less than thrilled. However, as soon as they started playing, I was hooked. And I mean seriously hooked. I bought a T-shirt before we left. He didn't. I still have it. I also made a point of buying their CDs after that. I became a FAN.

So... when this album came out, I got on the computer and looked up the tour schedule. Sure enough, they are on tour. And they will be in the south this fall. I bought tickets. The venue is outdoors, which is much more tolerable for migraine sufferers. And I am hoping by then that I have it better under control. I haven't been excited about a concert in YEARS. Mostly because they are painful. But I am optimistic. And excited.

So, what is the fuss about? Some of you may be scratching your heads. Train who? I don't know whether to enlighten you by way of their old stuff or their new stuff. Heck, it is all awesome. This is a new song, not yet released, that I think is just wonderful. It is live.




This is the new single, obviously the video. Professional job. Very cool. Awesome song.




This is something from the studio sessions for the new album. Gives you some insight into the band.




And this was the song on that first tour standing in the audience when I knew it was love. I can't remember if there were tears running down my face or not. But there probably were. Because that is just who I am.





It's good to have things to be excited about, things to look forward to, etc. And when I talk about Train, it feels really good not for it to be in the context of riding on the Crazy Train... lol. I am learning that people do need these things in their lives. (these positive things to focus on) I think that these are the things that help us get through the days. If all we have are the bad things, the negative things, the scary things, then we have nothing.

It is slowly occurring to me that my life has become so insulated by doctor's appointments and migraines and things that I cannot do because of illness that I don't have positive things to look forward to that are actually substantial. As in real. I have things that I want to happen. Things that I envision happening someday. But not much that is on the books. I need more on the books. I now have a Train concert. To some of you that may not seem like a whole lot. To me that is major progress. It is huge. No one ever made it anywhere without taking that first step. I haven't stepped in a long time. Hello world. This is me stepping.


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Bullet This

This feels like one of those blogs that might not ever get off the ground. I have been staring at the screen for a while now and it is beginning to sink in that maybe the only way this blog stands a chance of making it into actual words is if I go "bullet style." That way I can just shoot thoughts out as they come, rather than to come up with something "cohesive."

• I wish I could explain what the last week has been like, but I don't think I can. The relief of being given the SSD benefits and not having the hearing was short lived.
• I know this sounds crazy.
• I was so tired from not having slept hardly at all before the psych evaluation that my fibro symptoms were out in force. Add all of emotions that came with finding out about the SSD decision, plus some other things I will tell you about later, and I was a MESS.
  
• When I say MESS, I mean a crying ball of anxiety that constantly was having to be peeled off of the floor or ceiling. Yes, there was pretty much constant crying. Horrible depression. And my fibro symptoms were on overload. Everything hurt. All I wanted to do was sleep. None of this evened out until about Saturday. I finally slept enough that I was roughly back to normal.
• That meant that my migraine took over as my primary pain maker, once again, and life felt a bit more "normal." Ugghh.
• JJ said something in my comments about how I would have felt better had I not stressed so much. I laughed when I read that. Absolutely true. However, I do not remember a time when I didn't stress about the smallest thing. And this was pre-migraines. I used to have conversations with myself in the mirror daily in junior high school. It was a coping mechanism.
  
• Thinking about that had me pondering when I didn't feel stressed. I couldn't remember a time. Before I was 10. Before my dad got sick. Pre-1978. Yeah, that is the last time I remember truly feeling stress-free. Ever since then, not so much.
• I can't say I haven't had moments. Summers when I was out of school after my dad got better. But, after high school, no. And during school, no.
• My dog is having an "issue" with her front leg. There have been numerous visits to the vets, x-rays, etc. She has been on pain pills and anti-inflammatory pills for about a month now. The vet is saying that he doesn't see a break, fracture, puncture wound, or what traditionally presents as cancer. However, since the swelling isn't going down and she is still not wanting to walk on it, everyone is concerned.
• People who are not animal lovers are not going to get this, and I am not going to be able to explain it to you. Right now, the only option left is to biopsy her leg, which is going to be done tomorrow. It will take a while for the results to come back.
  
• She is twelve years old. I am not sure how many years she realistically has left. If it is cancer, we are talking about amputating one of her legs. I don't know if that is the humane thing to do or not. Or just the selfish one. I am really struggling with it.
  
• I know I am struggling with a decision that I might not have to make, but cancer really hasn't been falling my way here lately. And I don't feel lucky.
• When I got Miss S. she was six weeks old and she fit in my hands. I held her like an infant. And I still do. She only weighs 20 pounds, so I can get away with that. In fact, when she is scared, it calms her down. Not many dogs like being held like that, but she does.
• I don't know if this is a better or worse case, but I have figured out that I am a proactive person. A doer. This is all nicely phrased for something of a control freak. So, the things that make me most "crazy" are the things over which I have no control.
  
• Understanding that put all of my friendships that have gone bezerker into perspective for me. I worked on them and worked on them and worked on them, but I was the only one doing the working and got nowhere. I was spinning my wheels. The ball wasn't in my court. Yes, it made me crazy.
  
• And I went to doctor after doctor who wouldn't listen to me. I got sicker and sicker. And that made me crazy. Finally I found one who did. And then I was really sick. And down the rabbit hole. And here we are. But, I learned a lot.
  
• And then my dad and aunt died. And I had no control over that. Crazier still.
• And now my dog. Welcome to Insanity Land. Or as I call it Home.

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Case Closed

I got up early this morning for a psych evaluation. It was the only time slot the doctor's office had this week, and my SSD Hearing is fast approaching. May 22. The weight of that date has been crushing me just a little more every day. So, I needed the test with the follow-up appt next week and the time to get the medical records requested BEFORE the hearing.

This has felt a bit like standing in line at the amusement park. Hurry up and wait. With the added benefit of the standing being the worst part. The walking from ride to ride isn't so bad, but that hour or more stand in the line is just a killer. Walking is movement. Standing is just... well, standing.

My hearing is slated for 8:30am on May 22 so I knew this morning appt would be an excellent dry run at how well I do. Last night at 4am when I was still wide awake and completely stressed out, I had a fairly good idea of what that would look like. Scary as crap. I began to develop alternate scenarios of sleep all day the day before and then stay up all night so that 8:30am is the END of my day and not the beginning. That is desperation thinking.

I got about two hours sleep before my test and was in excellent humor when I arrived at the doctor's office. Ha. In reality, I looked like the victim of a mugging and was mean as a snake. My whole body felt like it endured a beating all night long. So, I was in the perfect state of mind for a Psych Evaluation. LOL. Several hours later, it was over and I was completely creeped out. Some of the questions on those tests had my mind spinning. Another blog peeps. Maybe.

I get home and there is a message to call my Disability Reps. All I WANT to do is go to bed. But, I call. It is a person I have never dealt with before. And my brain slowly processes what he is saying. But I make him repeat it because I am running on IDIOT.

The judge has reviewed your case and your petition has been approved. Your hearing on May 22 has been cancelled. You will be getting your official notice in the mail. The various people in our office will be following up with you to help you with your Medicare benefits, and to make sure you get your monetary benefit(s).

He may have said more but I started crying the first time through, and the second time around I just wanted to be sure I got it right.

There are no words to express the relief that I feel. It still isn't over because the red tape still has to be processed, but we are almost home. I can stop worrying. An end is in sight.




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