Bullet This

This feels like one of those blogs that might not ever get off the ground. I have been staring at the screen for a while now and it is beginning to sink in that maybe the only way this blog stands a chance of making it into actual words is if I go "bullet style." That way I can just shoot thoughts out as they come, rather than to come up with something "cohesive."

• I wish I could explain what the last week has been like, but I don't think I can. The relief of being given the SSD benefits and not having the hearing was short lived.
• I know this sounds crazy.
• I was so tired from not having slept hardly at all before the psych evaluation that my fibro symptoms were out in force. Add all of emotions that came with finding out about the SSD decision, plus some other things I will tell you about later, and I was a MESS.
  
• When I say MESS, I mean a crying ball of anxiety that constantly was having to be peeled off of the floor or ceiling. Yes, there was pretty much constant crying. Horrible depression. And my fibro symptoms were on overload. Everything hurt. All I wanted to do was sleep. None of this evened out until about Saturday. I finally slept enough that I was roughly back to normal.
• That meant that my migraine took over as my primary pain maker, once again, and life felt a bit more "normal." Ugghh.
• JJ said something in my comments about how I would have felt better had I not stressed so much. I laughed when I read that. Absolutely true. However, I do not remember a time when I didn't stress about the smallest thing. And this was pre-migraines. I used to have conversations with myself in the mirror daily in junior high school. It was a coping mechanism.
  
• Thinking about that had me pondering when I didn't feel stressed. I couldn't remember a time. Before I was 10. Before my dad got sick. Pre-1978. Yeah, that is the last time I remember truly feeling stress-free. Ever since then, not so much.
• I can't say I haven't had moments. Summers when I was out of school after my dad got better. But, after high school, no. And during school, no.
• My dog is having an "issue" with her front leg. There have been numerous visits to the vets, x-rays, etc. She has been on pain pills and anti-inflammatory pills for about a month now. The vet is saying that he doesn't see a break, fracture, puncture wound, or what traditionally presents as cancer. However, since the swelling isn't going down and she is still not wanting to walk on it, everyone is concerned.
• People who are not animal lovers are not going to get this, and I am not going to be able to explain it to you. Right now, the only option left is to biopsy her leg, which is going to be done tomorrow. It will take a while for the results to come back.
  
• She is twelve years old. I am not sure how many years she realistically has left. If it is cancer, we are talking about amputating one of her legs. I don't know if that is the humane thing to do or not. Or just the selfish one. I am really struggling with it.
  
• I know I am struggling with a decision that I might not have to make, but cancer really hasn't been falling my way here lately. And I don't feel lucky.
• When I got Miss S. she was six weeks old and she fit in my hands. I held her like an infant. And I still do. She only weighs 20 pounds, so I can get away with that. In fact, when she is scared, it calms her down. Not many dogs like being held like that, but she does.
• I don't know if this is a better or worse case, but I have figured out that I am a proactive person. A doer. This is all nicely phrased for something of a control freak. So, the things that make me most "crazy" are the things over which I have no control.
  
• Understanding that put all of my friendships that have gone bezerker into perspective for me. I worked on them and worked on them and worked on them, but I was the only one doing the working and got nowhere. I was spinning my wheels. The ball wasn't in my court. Yes, it made me crazy.
  
• And I went to doctor after doctor who wouldn't listen to me. I got sicker and sicker. And that made me crazy. Finally I found one who did. And then I was really sick. And down the rabbit hole. And here we are. But, I learned a lot.
  
• And then my dad and aunt died. And I had no control over that. Crazier still.
• And now my dog. Welcome to Insanity Land. Or as I call it Home.

image found at www.weheartit.com

BULLET TRUTHS

Once again, it seems I have a gadzillion non-related things bouncing around in my head. So, it seems like a good time for a bullet point post. That way I can just throw it all against the wall, and it doesn't matter that one thing has nothing to do with the next. Another plus is that it doesn't even have to go in chronological order. Once upon a time, that would have been really important to me. Today, not so much. Now, it is more like *when I think it* seems like the right time.

• My Social Security Disability Hearing has been scheduled for May 22. I have known this for a while.
  
• I thought that getting a date would be great. And it is. But is also super stressful. And my migraines have been reflecting it since I got the notice.
  
• Why? Because this is really it. My ENT doctor says I can't drive because of the loss of my inner ear function in my ears. And he is right. I am dizzy. I lose my balance at inconvenient, unpredictable times. I have constant migraines. I cannot work. So, my ABILITY to work doesn't change no matter what the judge says.
  
• The only thing that changes is the amount of financial stress on my parents. If I get the SSD, I can help them with the expenses of the house and taking care of me. If I don't, they are already on the financial brink... this will push them over.
• It is a lot of stress.
• May 21, ironically enough, is the one year anniversary of my dad's death. I have tried to look at that in positive ways in light of my Hearing. Said things to myself like his spirit will be around to bring positive energy to the proceedings.
  
• And I hope that is true.
  
• I already think about him all the time. I am afraid that having the Hearing one day after the anniversary of his death will make me a wreck for the Hearing. Inside.
• I was lying in bed two nights ago and smelled hot cocoa so strong it was eerie. I knew I had a visitor from the Other Side, but I couldn't process the Who. By the time I figured out it had to be my Grandma (my mom's mom), she was gone. But it was really nice that she stopped by. Now that I know her "signature scent" I will know her faster next time:-)
• In the process of crawling out of the Rabbit Hole, I knew I needed to think about something else, so I started thinking about *something* that I am not quite ready to share. BUT that something led me down the path to another novel idea.
  
• I am shocked. Are you shocked?
• After my last novel debacle, I was convinced I was never going there again.
• However, this time I didn't jump out of bed and immediately start writing. I just thought about it. And thought about it. I spent days thinking about it. I knew that I needed to know how it started (solid) and how it ended (solid) and have some good plot points in the middle.
  
• Yeah, I learned something from the last disaster.
• About four days later I finally wrote up an outline of sorts. Just to see what it would look like on paper.
• I like it.
  
• I just don't want to dive into it and lose myself. I kinda did that before. I think that was what made the failure so crushing.
• But, I also don't want to be so slow about the thing that I get bored and lose my momentum. Fine line there. And I only feel good about two hours out of the day. Some days. Some days more. Some less. Lately less due to the bone crushing migraines. Literally bone crushing migraines.
• BTW, thank you Phoenix, for that excellent comment. I am thinking about putting that on an index card and taping it up in my bathroom. Yeah, I do that kind of stuff.
• I just finished watching the entire series (four seasons) of Everwood. That was a great show. Truly great. I cried through a lot of that. Not so awesome on the migraines, but what are you going to do?
  
• It made me think about falling down the rabbit hole. As people we all fall down the rabbit hole. At some time or another we all make a bad call. Bad decision. Sometimes very hurtful to ourselves and/or others. And it is what you do AFTER that determines what kind of person you are.
• In kid news, C-Man is not doing well at the fine arts magnet school. Apparently, things have deteriorated so badly that he may not pass his grade. He has DEFINITELY been kicked out of the program and back into public school. What this means for him personally: he will have to move back in with his father. This breaks my heart.
  
• I know that this child doesn't want to leave the stability of the home he is in, but the public school he is zoned for would eat him alive. He is a rather geeky kid anyway, and it is something like 90% black in a very tough neighborhood. I am afraid they would kill him. Literally.
  
• I am not happy about the other alternative either. My ex doesn't seem to understand that he is a role model. Perhaps, that isn't true. He has simply lived in the rabbit hole for too long. He can only teach what he knows.
• H-Girl, who flunked out last year... you didn't know this? Me either. I didn't find out until a couple of months ago. Apparently I wasn't in the need-to-know loop.
  
• Anyway, H-Girl, who moved in with her aunt and is in an entirely new school is STILL not doing all that well. She should be acing this stuff since she HAD IT LAST YEAR. But no. The Kids are on Spring Break right now and H-Girl forgot her Report Card at school, so no one knows what her grades were for this term.
  
• When my ex told me this, he indicated that he was certain it meant an "F" was on her Report Card. I could feel my head beginning to explode so I decided to end chat. I talked to H-Girl the next day, and she gave me no clues about what was on her Card. She also didn't indicate she was on any restrictions for the Break.
• That would never have flown in my house. I would have been grounded on What Might Have Been on my Report Card. Or just trying to Manipulate The Situation. In fact, I would have been grounded for all "Fs," even though my parents would have known that wasn't the case. The point was to not pull that stunt because they will make it worse.
• Of course, this was never a problem for me. I had very good grades. My brother didn't, but even he knew better than to try this crapola.
• I realize how ineffective I am in their lives. I can't do anything because I don't live with them. And they are STRESS CAUSING (so taking them on full-time is not an option). I can't take any more stress. Had my ex allowed H-Girl to live with me back in 2007, when I asked we might not be here, but he didn't, and this is where we are.
• Oh, and my best friend from high school, with the sick husband, is still mad at me. No changes there.
• Yvonne posted a question on one of my blogs asking if liars and cheaters can ever change. I think that House is right in that everyone lies. But that isn't what you are really asking me. I think that perpetual liars and cheaters do not change. The only possible thing that would cause someone like that to change is an *event* which would likely be horrific, that could cause that person to seek counseling. It would be so clear to them that THEIR lying, THEIR cheating caused the horrific event that they would WANT to make a change.
  
• The only reason people ever change is because of a deep desire to change. Change is hard. And, even then, having that change stick would be tough. Why? Because they are used to making the other choice. It is what feels natural. When put on the spot: tell the truth or lie, a liar is probably going to lie.
• Man, I am cynical. Telling the truth is hard. People don't always like the truth. It won't make you popular. Just makes you honest.
• And we live in a world where people value popular. Wow. That was something I didn't see coming. We have been getting that lesson since we were old enough to know which jeans were fashionable and which were not. Too bad they don't run honesty commercials on TV and make it just as enticing.

Well, I am tapped out. My two hours is up. Not sure that I covered everything, but that was pretty close.