Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Bullet This

This feels like one of those blogs that might not ever get off the ground. I have been staring at the screen for a while now and it is beginning to sink in that maybe the only way this blog stands a chance of making it into actual words is if I go "bullet style." That way I can just shoot thoughts out as they come, rather than to come up with something "cohesive."

  • I wish I could explain what the last week has been like, but I don't think I can. The relief of being given the SSD benefits and not having the hearing was short lived.
  • I know this sounds crazy.
  • I was so tired from not having slept hardly at all before the psych evaluation that my fibro symptoms were out in force. Add all of emotions that came with finding out about the SSD decision, plus some other things I will tell you about later, and I was a MESS.
  • When I say MESS, I mean a crying ball of anxiety that constantly was having to be peeled off of the floor or ceiling. Yes, there was pretty much constant crying. Horrible depression. And my fibro symptoms were on overload. Everything hurt. All I wanted to do was sleep. None of this evened out until about Saturday. I finally slept enough that I was roughly back to normal.
  • That meant that my migraine took over as my primary pain maker, once again, and life felt a bit more "normal." Ugghh.
  • JJ said something in my comments about how I would have felt better had I not stressed so much. I laughed when I read that. Absolutely true. However, I do not remember a time when I didn't stress about the smallest thing. And this was pre-migraines. I used to have conversations with myself in the mirror daily in junior high school. It was a coping mechanism.
  • Thinking about that had me pondering when I didn't feel stressed. I couldn't remember a time. Before I was 10. Before my dad got sick. Pre-1978. Yeah, that is the last time I remember truly feeling stress-free. Ever since then, not so much.
  • I can't say I haven't had moments. Summers when I was out of school after my dad got better. But, after high school, no. And during school, no.
  • My dog is having an "issue" with her front leg. There have been numerous visits to the vets, x-rays, etc. She has been on pain pills and anti-inflammatory pills for about a month now. The vet is saying that he doesn't see a break, fracture, puncture wound, or what traditionally presents as cancer. However, since the swelling isn't going down and she is still not wanting to walk on it, everyone is concerned.
  • People who are not animal lovers are not going to get this, and I am not going to be able to explain it to you. Right now, the only option left is to biopsy her leg, which is going to be done tomorrow. It will take a while for the results to come back.
  • She is twelve years old. I am not sure how many years she realistically has left. If it is cancer, we are talking about amputating one of her legs. I don't know if that is the humane thing to do or not. Or just the selfish one. I am really struggling with it.
  • I know I am struggling with a decision that I might not have to make, but cancer really hasn't been falling my way here lately. And I don't feel lucky.
  • When I got Miss S. she was six weeks old and she fit in my hands. I held her like an infant. And I still do. She only weighs 20 pounds, so I can get away with that. In fact, when she is scared, it calms her down. Not many dogs like being held like that, but she does.
  • I don't know if this is a better or worse case, but I have figured out that I am a proactive person. A doer. This is all nicely phrased for something of a control freak. So, the things that make me most "crazy" are the things over which I have no control.
  • Understanding that put all of my friendships that have gone bezerker into perspective for me. I worked on them and worked on them and worked on them, but I was the only one doing the working and got nowhere. I was spinning my wheels. The ball wasn't in my court. Yes, it made me crazy.
  • And I went to doctor after doctor who wouldn't listen to me. I got sicker and sicker. And that made me crazy. Finally I found one who did. And then I was really sick. And down the rabbit hole. And here we are. But, I learned a lot.
  • And then my dad and aunt died. And I had no control over that. Crazier still.
  • And now my dog. Welcome to Insanity Land. Or as I call it Home.

image found at


  1. Oh Robin, so much going on. I am going to pray that this time ,for your little dog, that the cancer doesn't make another appearance in your life. I know what it's like to feel like your dog is about the only one you CAN count on.
    As for the rest I still feel like there is just some sort of adjustment period after having been through a very stressful experience, even when it turns out the way we wanted. I get it.
    And yes, it is annoying that JJ is right and yet we can't always stop ourselves, can we?!

    1. Thank you Jasmine. I pray for her, too.

  2. The post-decision symptoms aren't at all surprising - we can almost always manage to get it together for what we need to do, and run on adrenaline. It's the combination, then, of stress release, relief, all the hormones and everything else that had been on "high alert" relaxing and not knowing how that is often more difficult. And, as someone who's been through disability filings and proceedings with others, it's a mixed blessing: sure, the comfort of having some financial werewithal and stability is great! But it comes at a price: accepting the disability, the need, the moving on to a different place in your life. It's a very complicated situation to sort through, and all the harder when it comes with a sick dog and pain and everything else ....

    1. I think it has been a pressure cooker for a long time. The lid just blew once I knew I had the freedom to sort of let it all go...

  3. Sweet Robin, I've known of your health issues for some time now and that alone is enough to drive someone bonkers, then add in all the other stresses you've been dealing with of late...well, my heart goes out to you hun. And as for the pup, you know I'm an animal lover so the possibility that your pup is sick is indeed heartbreaking. I know this is a bit late, but did you guys try to ace bandage her ailing leg? Our older Lab was having problems with a leg; similar to what you're describing here and we put an ace bandage on it (being careful not to put it too tight and removing it at night when she slept). It helped. As dogs age, they get achy just like we humans do; is it possible she's just arthritic or stiff? Just throwing out some other options. Big hugs to you girl....always in my thoughts & praryers...xoxo

    1. She had her biopsy and seems to be doing okay thus far. It is going to take a couple of weeks for the results to come back. If it isn't cancer, then that sounds like an EXCELLENT idea. Thanks for suggesting it.

  4. Robin: You are much too hard on yourself. I just posted on my blog, with you in mind. Please read it - tomorrow.

    1. Too late. I got this comment after reading your blog. It made me cry, btw. But then what doesn't these days? LOL. Seriously, that was very thoughtful. And there is the sane part of me that knows that jumping ahead to what might happen is *crazy* simply because it is dumb to bounce around in whatifs. There is another part of me that is mentally preparing for the worst and hoping for the best. However, what you said about having a calm mind sounds really good. Really good.

  5. ok, Robin, after reading what you've just posted here, I'm thinking that...well, you came to the conclusion that you don't remember the time when you were NOT stressed. And, in such case - and I really don't want this to sound harsh or anything, you know me - don't you think you should go to some therapy? And even if you've tried it before and it didn't work, I honestly think it's better to try again, maybe you'd have a good therapist who would help you coping with stress? I know it's all about the chemistly in our brains, but we can stimulate this chemistry as well. Is there any chance for a therapy that you wouldn't have to pay for? you don't have to even post this comment if you don't want to, just let me know what you think about this. Because, well, two deaths of family members (one of them being father) in such a short period of time, that's tough for everyone, Robin, really....

    1. I think you must have missed my post about going to see a therapist. It was called Are You Smarter Than A Bear? or something like that.... Yep. I smacked the button and am back in Therapy.

  6. I made enough noise about a painful health issue that wasn't getting any better, that I finally took matters into my own hands, circumvented my doctor (who has since been fired)and did what I needed to do to get myself better. It worked, and I was RIGHT about the diagnosis!!!

    Our dogs are like our children. When Watson, our Maltese who was almost 17 years old, went deaf, then blind, then had a stroke, we knew what we had to do, and did it, crying.

    Three years ago, our Precious girl, a 16 year-old-Yorkie, developed Cushings. She was too old to be medicated, and when things went from bad to worse, we once again knew what we had to do. One morning, she looked up at me from her little bed, and her eyes were pleading with me. I scooped her up and called the vet. We still cry for her.

  7. just when you think you wrote don't write something. I have many conversations with you in my head. lol. I am glad you are in therapy. living in a state of constant tension will give you a headache..badumpbump. bad. I know. lol. I hope your dog feels better..and I hope you feel better soon. I get eye ticks going to a new have nothing to offer on the 'relax' front. lol...just know I am rooting for you.


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