L is for Losing Focus

I really didn't want to write anything today. I am having focus problems. Dear friends, I love reading your blogs. I truly do. In fact, many a day I enjoy reading your blogs more than I like writing my own. Some days I just read your blogs and I don't write one of my own. This is all pre-cancer news. Since finding out about my dad and his terminal diagnosis, I just can't focus. Period. I tell myself that writing a blog will be good for me. In fact, that is what I am telling myself right now. I told myself that reading your blogs would be good for me, but I couldn't focus in order to actually accomplish the task. Do I want to know what you're doing? Yes. Am I interested? Yes. Why can't I focus? I have no idea.

Do I want to blog about what happened with my dad? Yes and no. Mostly no right now.

Do I want to blog about what happened with my sister-in-law? Yes and no. Mostly no right now.

Do I want to blog about the meeting with an old friend from school? Yes. But, I can't really focus. It's a good story and I want to get it right.

Do I want to blog about the doctor appt my dad had with the surgeon who removed his colon and hooked him to the colostomy bag? And then what he said to me? Yes and no. Mostly no right now. Some doctors deserve to be smacked. He needs a good smacking. And he isn't going on my list of doctors when my website goes up. Just sayin'.

Do I want to blog about how great Hospice is? Yes and no? Mostly yes. But not right now. It makes me sad. And happy. Happy sad.

I did think of Phoenix's blog on pushing more love toward situations that you can't control. If you have tried everything else, try pushing more love toward it. I even did that. It helped and then it didn't. And then I decided to focus on what mattered. Now, the old me who could focus better would find that blog and link up to it. Why? Because it was an awesome blog that she probably wrote about eight months ago and I still remember it. A blog has to be pretty darn awesome to stick in my brain for that long. Would I like to write more about the details of this? Yes and no.

Why? Because Chris over at A Deliberate Life just wrote a blog a few days ago on Letting Go of Resentment. I didn't comment on that blog. Why? Because I couldn't focus. However, it really hit home for me. Sometimes people are who they are. I pretty much had that one figured out before I left Ohio, but reading that blog was kind of the last straw, so to speak. It helped me just to let it all go. You aren't going to change people. Not everyone is going to like you. You can be as nice to them as you know how to be. You can be yourself (how can you be anyone else?). And if they still just don't like you, they don't like you. All you can do is continue to be kind to them and treat them as nicely as you know how. That is it. Keep pushing love toward them. And if they still don't like you, well that is on them. But, let it go. You aren't going to win them all and that is that.

The last thing I can think of right now is that my neighbor suggested that I write (as in email) my congressman and then follow it up with a phone call about Social Security denying my SSDI claim. She said she worked some government agency back in the day (Medicaid maybe) and it really got the ball rolling for someone if a Congressman took an interest. Anyway, she said that because they denied my claim based on four doctors (it was supposed to be 2 of mine and 2 of theirs), but one of the doctors was someone I had never seen, I had reason to involve my Congressman. I also had reason to involve my Congressman because my representative in this case said "This kind of thing happens all the time." They were jaded by the system and how it wasn't working and not willing to fight. Their answer was an appeal, which we would have done anyway. So, blog friends, in your opinion do you think that writing and calling your local Congressman is the way to go here to speed up this process? I am interested in your thoughts...

Okay, I promise to try and be a better blog friend, and get my stuff together, so that I can put coherent thoughts together, so that I can actually read your posts. As it is, I read a little here and a little there. But, I mostly don't feel able to comment. It is very sad. I never really thought the day would come when this girl would be at a loss for words. (silently shaking head now in disbelief) So, I will work on my focus issues and hope that you bear with me while I sort it all out.

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Going In Circles.

This is just a quick post to let you know that I haven't died. Some of you know that already as I have left some blog comments. I just haven't felt up to the task of posting an actual blog. I am doing the alphabet soup thing and am up to the letter "L." Honestly, can't even come up with subject matter for the letter "L," which is indicative of my state of mind. Or lack thereof. I am doing really well if I am putting together a coherent comment on your blogs.

We did get spanked with that cold front, so we got snow and sleet. Georgians are simply not equipped to handle snow and sleet. It shut everything down. My doctor's office called and cancelled my appt yesterday, which was a good thing, because there was a solid sheet of ice on the roads, so we would have to cancel. Like I said, the state is simply not prepared for these sorts of conditions. And my migraine has been through the roof. The change in barometric pressure with a storm front like that always rockets me into outer space. So... blaaaahhhh.

I did read something interesting and am giving it a try. It was noted that people with migraines often have cold hands. So there is a line of thinking among some non-traditional practitioners who practice biofeedback with specific intent to lower the temp of the hands. In other words, if you can consciously learn to lower the temp of the hands, then it will trigger a physical vascular response. With a migraine, a person is experiencing vascular constriction. That constriction causes the pain. I am at a loss for the words I want, but if warming the hands can produce the opposite effect, that is a very good thing. I am not convinced that I can get my doctors to do biofeedback with handwarming as the goal. They are willing to do biofeedback for pain management, but I think that they might think I have a screw loose if I suggest the hand warming thing. Of course, when have I ever let that stop me? Right now, I am wearing knitted gloves with the fingertips cut off. It has only been a couple of days, so I can't tell if there is a noticeable improvement. Plus, my tips remain icy at all times since they are exposed. I think that might impede any real progress. But, it is overall more pleasant than having icy cold hands all of the time.

The only other news I have is that Social Security based their decision on approving denying me for SSDI based upon the reports of four doctors. Two of those doctors were ones that they sent me to for evaluations. The other two were supposed to be my doctors. One of them was. One of them was not. One of them was someone I have never seen in my entire life. That was that the doctor report that they used as my primary care physician. Someone I have never seen. Naturally, that doctor sent back a report saying, "No information on this patient." Of course, he had no information. I had never been inside his office. I would like to think that Social Security just made an error, but I would think that if they got a report like that they would double check the file, and then request information from the correct doctor. They didn't do that. That leads me to believe this was their way of denying my claim. The people handling my claim couldn't even work up steam about this because it "happens all the time." I was outraged. They were resigned. Finally, I realized all of my outrage was only going to crank my migraine into the red zone, so I let it go. We are working within their crappy system. Of course, now we can include their pulling bad information as part of our appeal. I was on the phone with my rep today to put our paperwork together. So, we are off to the races again.

My fellow blogger, JJ, posted something yesterday about the shooting in Arizona. He invited discourse on the subject of violence in society, and threw out some stats. He also said that people were uncomfortable with this sort of topic matter. Actually ~ discussing this sort of topic matter. I said that it wasn't so much feeling uncomfortable about the discussion, but feeling that there were no real solutions. People can talk forever about something, but solving it is a whole different animal. I feel the same way about this Animal that is Social Security. I have talked to a whole bunch of people about them pulling the wrong doctor's records and denying my claim. You know what? I am the only person who is outraged by this information. Even my mother shrugs it off and says we will appeal it. Why isn't anyone mad about this? Why aren't people angry about how rotten the state of Denmark has become? This stinks from the core. Why isn't she angry? Because she doesn't think she can do a thing about it, that's why. When I talked to my allsup rep, I expected them to be all over it. They weren't. We'll file the appeal and include that. The Animal called Social Security is too big. It may be rotten and stinky, but it's huge.

You see why I am not writing posts? My mind just goes in circles.



image found at www.weheartit.com