We get one day a year to focus on all of the blessings in our lives. That also involves a HUGE meal with friends and/or family and lots of leftovers. How many ways are there to make turkey? Turkey sandwiches, soup, turkey salad, and I am sure some of you have some extremely creative concoctions.
I try to be grateful every day. Every morning I open my eyes and say, "Thank you God for this day. I have no idea what will come, but I am thankful for it." I am alive. I made it to see another tomorrow.
I like to (occasionally) make lists of all the things for which I am grateful. Some of them are big things and some are very small. Isn't the joy in the details?
1. Laughing.
2. My dog when she lies on her back and does "happy dog" after each meal.
3. The changing of the leaves.
4. Cooler temperatures.
5. We finally got some veggies from our garden. Not remotely enough to live on, but it is still exciting to walk out and see a pepper or tomato holding on for dear life.
6. Learning something new.
7. Making new friends.
8. This blogging community.
9. Reconnecting with old friends.
10. Reading something so touching that it makes me cry.
11. All of the people who have hurt me. Thank you. You made me grow into a stronger person.
12. A bad date I recently had. You have provided me with an opportunity to show that I value myself enough to not jump into something I know will not be good for me. This is a chance to break bad habits.
13. My mother. She puts up with all of my moods. Those would be the good and the bad.
14. My health is improving. It isn't happening in leaps and bounds. It's more like baby steps. But, it is wonderful.
15. My writing.
16. Leftover Halloween candy.
17. Music. "If there were no music, I could not get through. I don't know why I know these things, but I do." ~ Alison Krauss
18. The ability to tell a good joke.
19. C-Man said at Homecoming that the most influential person in his life was ME. Even though it felt like I lost everything by staying married to my ex, that is not so. I changed a life. I made a life better. Can we ask for more than that?
20. I look in the mirror and see Me again. I wasn't sure that would ever be true again.
21. In a couple of weeks my brother and sister-in-law will be here for a visit.
22. I am so thankful that I worked out my issues with my sister-in-law a few years ago. It has taken time, but we are finally the good friends I always hoped we would be.
23. My computer is working.
24. Turns out there wasn't a gekko massacre in my AC unit. It started acting up again and the motor and some other module needed replacing.
25. The AC unit broke down just before our policy with American Home Shield was set to expire (in two days). Excellent timing.
26. It's sweater weather.
27. I like my new hair cut. A lot.
28. I am not allergic to turkey.
29. C-Man and H-Girl are coming to stay for a week after Christmas.
30. YOU.
Sometimes I just don't get it right. I know that happens by the comments that you guys leave. Don't get me wrong... even when I get it wrong, I love your comments. Sometimes I love them MORE. It shows what HUGE HEARTS you all have and then I go off on this big crying jag over comments left by people that I don't know. In the back of my mind there is this awareness that I am crying about these wonderful comments that were left over misinterpretations over my blog, and that you lovely people wouldn't have left that sweet comment if I had been a better writer, and gotten the message across more clearly. That slows the crying down. Then I just think, "Yeah, this is all because you suck as a writer." That pretty much dries up the tears.
Now, you're thinking, "What is she talking about?" That is exactly my point. You have no clue what I am even referencing. That very long blog "BEING ROBIN," which was my own little spin on the TV show BEING ERICA, is the blog in question. I think the problem was multi-faceted. It was too long. Some of you have so many blogs to read and it was just too long. The other problem was that I worked on it over the course of two days. My thinking can change a lot about something in that amount of time AND IT DID. The other key point that I thought that I made clear, but I know that I didn't, is that even in the show the thing that consistently changes the most is Erica's perspective. The time travel is merely a vehicle. It's an interesting concept.
I think where I "upset" most of you was with my list. You have no idea how many things I chose not to put on there, even though they were awful, simply because I know they were learning experiences. However, the deal is that they are all learning experiences and I didn't make that clear. What frustrates me about my own list is how many of the things on that list are repeats. However, it is what it is, and I did have reasons for making those choices. I think I said it best when I indicated that the list is most useful as a future blog topic list for those days when I am stuck.
However, I think that maybe everyone was too caught up in the list.... Maybe disturbed by the list is a better word. It is unhealthy to stay stuck on all of the negative stuff that happens in a life. So, looking at the list halted you in your tracks and even though your eyes kept reading, your brain stopped absorbing, because this is what you missed (which came after the list): "I started working on this blog last night. I picked it up again this afternoon and was just about to hit the publish key this evening. Then I had a revelation. There is a reason I picked BEING ERICA, and told you that her time travel events didn't change much of anything except her perspective. I was too close to it when I wrote it to see it. I know I am not getting any do-overs or a time machine or any sessions with Dr. Tom. The only thing that everyone gets is the opportunity to start from where you are. Today. And if you can find some perspective on your past, so that you can leave it there, then you can walk away that much freer. That is what she is doing, even though she doesn't realize it. Each time she goes back, she gets to let that thing go. It was holding her down. Her burden gets lighter. "
What I didn't do was bring it around full circle for you and close it. Again... bad writing and it is why you didn't connect the dots. I wouldn't change any of the things on my list. I chose them for a reason at that time in my life. There is also a reason that I have already blogged about some of them. It was my way of letting them go. I call this thing that I am doing Blog Therapy. This writing stuff down is my way of letting it go. That is what I didn't say and what I should have said, and again why it sucked.
All of that said, this little piece has been something I have been working on FOR DAYS. So I have NO IDEA how badly I have screwed it up?!?!? I guess it will all come out in the comments. Since we came in with crying, let's go out the same way... sort of. On the drive over to my ex's place to meet up for the ride to see Taylor Swift, I was listening to the radio. Boy, that was a learning experience. It made me realize how little time I spend listening to the radio these days. I didn't know a single song playing. Of course, that really shouldn't have been a shocker. I pretty much write my blog, write my book, read and comment on other people's blogs, troll youtube, and watch my DVR'd shows, and well that's about it. I mean on a daily basis. You can throw in some other non-daily activities, but really.... I used to read, but since I have started writing my own book, I don't want anything interfering with my "process." I digress. Back to the radio... Well, this one song came on and it almost made me cry. Not quite. But almost. So, of course, I had to come home and look it up on youtube. You can turn off my idiot music box at the bottom of my page if you want to have a listen. I doubt you will need a tissue. But you might decide that I am indeed certifiable. Okay, I will take the tissue....
I have been obsessed with time travel since, I don't know, forever. If there was a novel that had any form of time travel in it, I bought it. TV shows or movies that featured time travel were sure-fire must-sees for me. They don't always end real well. Of course, some of them do. It depends on what genre you're in, I guess. I was always fascinated by the mind-bending question of, "Can you change time? If you managed to go back and forth, can you alter the events? And just how big a ripple can one "small" change make?" Obviously, I am not the first person who has pondered this mystery. Pretty much anyone who has fictionally fooled around with time has considered even the smallest change to have potentially HUGE CONSEQUENCES, which is why so much caution is taken whenever anyone starts tinkering with time travel. What if you go back in time and erase your own existence? That almost happened in BACK TO THE FUTURE. In other words, tread lightly people, because you don't know whose future you're stomping out and not even knowing it... and who you are causing to be unleashed into society (that previously didn't exist before.) This is monumental stuff. I got the picture below here.
There is a show that my mom and I watch called BEING ERICA. I am going to give you some youtube footage. Before you vomit, it is a trailer for Season 2 that catches you up to speed on the gist of the show. In other words, it explains what the show is about more accurately and quickly than I could. Watching it is going to be kinda sorta important unless you already watch the show and know what it is about. So, cut off my darn my music player at the bottom and kick back and watch a trailer. It'll be fun.
Okay, I am going to assume that you watched the trailer. I wish that I could have found one for when the series first started, but you get what you get. So, Erica has Dr. Tom, her therapist, who sends her back in time, to "fix" her regrets. You read that right. In her first "session" she made out a very long list of regrets, not knowing about Dr. Tom's special brand of therapy, and then they set to work. The most interesting part of this show is that she usually doesn't fix anything in the way that she expects to fix, it or wants to fix it. In fact, sometimes it comes out about the same. If it were a job, I would say that she made a lateral move. Sometimes it appears worse. Usually the only thing that really changes is Erica's perspective on what happened. Sometimes, because she is an adult in a teen or kid body, she can see the situation through fresh eyes and choose NOT to change the situation, but to appreciate the challenges that everyone else was facing. And, sometimes she has the backbone of an adult and tells those little popular punks who make life so damn miserable just where they can stick it. (I think I cheered during that episode!) However, what mom and I have noticed is that, in terms of altering the future in a permanent way, that really doesn't much happen. The person who gets altered the most is Erica.
That being said, I have been thinking a lot about my list. If Dr. Tom is out there, I have one kick-ass list of regrets and I'm ready for my therapy to start any day now. Interestingly enough, this list could also serve as a blog topic list should I ever get stuck... (If they are linked it means that a blog already exists, so you can read at your own risk.)
*The Rocky Horror Picture Show *Drew K guy who was so NOT into you ~ The Lost Years *The Dog Walker *The Long Con *That Bar In Columbus *Dating Randy roommate of the guy you actually liked *Going to the Frater Formal with Darrennice guy, but not your boyfriend *Alien Halloween *Not Taking The Long Way Down Out of My Loft *Saying Yes to My Ex on That First Date *Giving Away the Publicist Interview at Simon & Schuster to Jessica girl who got the job because you gave it to her, but you were more qualified *Not Standing Up to S&D Back in 7th Grade *Not Standing Up to KS Back In 7th Grade when the bullying started *Not Calling MH to tell her I was sick at contest in 9th grade *Not Hiding in the Closet and Scaring the Crap out of my Brother at least Once *Letting S Talk Me Into Playing Softball *Majoring in Music *Not majoring in theatre education *Not auditioning for plays in college *Drinking way too much (in college) *ARSENIC AND OLD LACE, my senior year of high school *Nykerk play freshman year *Nykerk play sophomore year *Becoming roommates with Bridget girl who would still be your friend if you hadn't lived together *Leaving New York *That first kiss *Drowning my sorrow in Southern Comfort *Jello Shots and Twister *Mike L hot guy going nowhere *Drinking way too much on my 21st birthday (and all that came during and after) *Equinox *The "Seinfeld Dates" *Not divorcing ex after the "scary" phone call *Dating Bruce a more polished version of my ex ~ I'd like to go back and say "no" to that one, too *Not saying yes to moving in with Right Guy and throwing caution to the wind. *Becoming a techie in FL's community theatre *The years I spent trying to tan *Not embracing a vitamin protocol in my teens (my dad was already a guru) *Mr. Sessions *Cali *Drunk phone calling, particularly to J in the summer of 1990. *Eating a bunch of Halloween candy with my brother and lying about it. *Going to Indianapolis with this guy I hardly knew for an Equinox meeting. *Smoking pot ever *Tequila shots *Drinking most of the bottle of a tequila by myself. *Sending out email. Most of it I would like to pull back after I hit send. *Keeping so much of my crap when I moved to FL. *Making my friends and family listen to the same old sh*t for almost four years while I was married. *Dropping the connections I had with friends when I was married and then leaving them dropped after. People can only listen to so much crap before they tune out and turn off. It's hard to pick them back up. Sometimes they have moved on. *Not helping my mother pack for a family vacation when she asked *Not changing churches once I got a car *Not getting out of the truck *Buying the house *Getting married *Giving my best friend bad marital advice (I didn't know it at the time, but it was bad) *Trading vehicles with my ex *Choosing one friend over another *Not being able to make a relationship work with a truly *good* person who loved me *That it took seven years to understand why the above relationship didn't work ~ not a good learning curve *Not living geographically close to any of my best friends *Not knowing the truth about my own body: the diseases and autoimmune disease(s) I have... when they say doctors are PRACTICING medicine ~ that is the TRUTH.
I am sure that if I sat here long enough I could come up with a lot more. Of course, a lot of them are related to the same topic. And, if I went back in time and actually was able to change the first event that would change the ENTIRE event. Then it would be a GAME CHANGER. I have no idea what my life would look like. Of course, the further back the event is, the more my life would change.
I remember that when I was in the hospital trying to get my migraines stopped (while I was married), I spent a lot of time thinking about a time machine. I imagined getting my hands on one. Then it was just a matter of deciding how far back I would have to go to "fix" my life. I finally decided on the summer before my senior year of high school. It wasn't that I was yearning to relive my senior year of high school, but I felt that I needed to get on a vitamin protocol to boost my immune system. And I had to cut out all of that college drinking. But, I couldn't go back so far that I couldn't drive, because I couldn't bear that. This way I would get to go to camp again, which I loved, and do my favorite plays again, and see my best friends again. There were lots of pluses. I wasn't sure how I would make it through Enriched Trigonometry. My brain wasn't in that groove anymore. And I would have to take the SATs. Ick. And all of those college classes were a pain in the rear the first time around, and I had lost all of my good study habits. But, this time I would at least get my major right. I had everything all worked out, but I never did get my hands on the time machine, so here I am making a list....
I started working on this blog last night. I picked it up again this afternoon and was just about to hit the publish key this evening. Then I had a revelation. There is a reason I picked BEING ERICA and told you that her time travel events didn't change much of anything except her perspective. I was too close to it when I wrote it to see it. I know I am not getting any do-overs or a time machine or any sessions with Dr. Tom. The only thing that everyone gets is the opportunity to start from where you are. Today. And if you can find some perspective on your past, so that you can leave it there, then you can walk away that much freer. That is what she is doing, even though she doesn't realize it. Each time she goes back, she gets to let that thing go. It was holding her down. Her burden gets lighter.
So why did I pick this topic and why do I need perspective? I have my appointment with pain management tomorrow. I don't trust doctors. I have a really good primary care doctor. It took me years to find her, but I consider her the exception, and not the rule. I want a doctor who is in it to win it, not to band-aid it. That means I am going to need a doctor who will actually listen to me. That sounds simple. I wish. I will let you know how it goes.
