In Pictures...

If you have read my last few posts, you know that I have been thinking a lot about what my life was like back when I started this blogging experience and where it is now.

Some of the biggest changes between 2010 and now...

•  I can't believe how far I have come in terms of my health.
• I write this blog AND I am working on a novel.
• My father passed away.
• I moved - again.
• I really didn't want my friends and ESPECIALLY not my ex-husband to read this blog. Okay, that hasn't changed so much... but now I know that the chances of it happening are slim to none. Back in 2010 I guarded this blog like it was gold.
• In fact, I didn't put a REAL picture of me on here for the LONGEST time because I wanted to be anonymous.
• Now, I am Facebook friends with many of you. Though I still don't want you to mention my blog here... there.
• I've started taking dance lessons.
• And I hate my hair... now. I look at pics of myself in 2010 and my hair was pretty darn awesome. Everything else was terrible, but my hair was great. Ha!

I think it was Tara Tyler who said something recently on her blog about how people want to see the REAL you. Of course, from her perspective, she was speaking as an author who has published books out there. It is important for a writer to have a face (unless you are Alex...:) And that made me ponder this blog. Yeah, I hope to be a published writer (someday), but that day isn't today. So... how important is it for people to SEE me?

More important, how much do I want/not want to be seen? I didn't post a picture of myself in my sidebar four years ago because I really didn't want my ex-husband to find this blog. I felt like he stifled my voice... even though I rarely wrote about him. In the cases when he did get a mention it was almost always in correlation to a discovery that I made about myself because of him and that relationship. But... not always. Sometimes, I just needed a free place to vent. After four years of not being able to get my friends and family to read this blog (even with much pleading), I realize that my ex is NOT going to just stumble into this blog. Not Gonna Happen.

That said... I am still not sure I want to put a picture of Me in my sidebar. Maybe someday.

For today, I will clear up some misconceptions. Back on my birthday (end of March) I thought I was being clever using the strike through feature when I "discussed" my age. I thought I was clear on the fact that I am NOT 29 years old. For the record, turning 30 triggered a crisis of sorts. I spent way too much time when I was 29 telling anyone who would listen that I was "still in my 20s." I just wanted to say it as often as possible while it was still true. My aunt declared she was 29 until the day she died. She encouraged me to do the same. Honestly, that sort of thing is funny when you're in your 60s and older... but not so much before that. So, LC, this picture is for you. This is me when I was actually 29:

A professional photographer friend of mine took this picture. I really like it. Ah... the good old days. I even had nice hair here. This was when I could still color my hair. Now, I can't do that because I am allergic to the hair color junk.

And this is a picture from 2010 when I really liked my hair:

I let my hair grow several more inches and then cut it off and donated it to Locks of Love. One of my friends from high school had a son with a brain tumor.  He went through several rounds of chemo and radiation and they thought it was beaten and then it came back with a vengeance and he died within a month of being re-diagnosed. I don't regret donating the hair, even though it didn't go to him, but it still makes me very sad that my friend's son died. I am also at my sickest in this picture. I weighed in the neighborhood of 100 pounds here. If it were a healthy 100 it would be different, but it was NOT.

Now, I hate my hair. About six months ago, I went to a totally new hair salon and I let someone cut it when my intuition was screaming, "Don't do it. You will regret it." And I didn't listen. And I regret it. It is just horrible. I hope that in another 3-6 months I can have someone I know will do a great job cut it and THEN I will post a current picture. It also gives me a few months to get fit with the dancing I mentioned above.

I know that this seems like a fluff piece. And maybe it is. I have revealed so much of myself on here (some of you people know me better than Anyone) that maybe it is just silly to not put up a picture in my sidebar. Some of you have pics of yourself on your profile and some of you don't. Do you struggle with the aspects of you that you want to show here?

Getting Found and Reflections

Did you participate in the A to Z? Have you ever participated in the A to Z?

If you read my "Z" post, you know that back when I started blogging in 2010, I was a wreck. My whole world revolved around pain medication and trying to hold on to my sanity. My migraines raged so badly that I couldn't see anything but THAT. Who I used to be (pre-migraines) was so far in my rear view that I couldn't remember that person and the future was looking too much like the present. I couldn't see this version of me, the person I am now becoming. It was too far out of my field of vision.

The worst part was that I felt useless. Without purpose. We think that we need hope to survive. I would argue that we do not. What we need is purpose. I didn't have ANY hope back then that my life would change even remotely for the better. Blogging gave me Purpose. Purpose sustained me. Each day I typed out a blog bit hoping that I would find myself. I knew that I was lost in a place called Desolation. Did it matter that the writing I was doing was read by so few people? No. Eight or nine people (and eventually more) faithfully read what I was writing and it was enough. Even when no one read this blog, I still had a Purpose. I needed a reason to get out of bed every day. Blogging was the string that kept me and my sanity within spitting distance of one another.

Since I started that journey back in 2010 my motivations changed several times. Blogging started out as a Purpose. When I started writing my first WiP (now in the drawer) I discovered other writers, agents, and more on here. It felt like coincidence... because I still do not understand how it happened. I found one writer's blog and it led me to the rest. I learned so much about the craft to improve my writing and how to submit all of that Writer Goodness to an agent. Then, totally disheartened, I shelved my WiP and deleted some of those sites. Ha! Have you ever done that??? I am still no good at "finding" blogs on here. I stumble into them or they find me. 

I remember when I found Alex Cavanaugh's blog. Yeah, the guy is EVERYWHERE and it took me years to ferret out his blog. This is what I am SAYING (about me). I followed. He followed back. He left me good comments and encouraged me to start on another WiP. I mentally scoffed. I could faintly hear Buddy Holly in the background crooning "That'll Be The Day." And then I found so many of the rest of you. Or you found me. Again, not sure how that works. And I kept stumbling into more writer sites, agent sites... AGAIN. And that desire to write surged once more. I launched into another journey of writing.

I decided to help all of you with my A to Z Theme this year by showcasing some of my favorite blogs.... so that you could find them. So many of you did. You read, you liked, you clicked over to their blog, and you followed. I learned that even while I like-love all of the blogs I featured during this to A to Z, some of you didn't. And that is okay. I can still hear my nanny in my head saying to me, "Why aren't you eating that?" I would say nothing because the truth was I didn't like it, but didn't want to hurt her feelings. She continued, "You like what I like. Now eat it." I approached this A to Z kinda like that. I thought all of you would like what I like,would want dessert, and more. Turns out that you like some of what I like.

I participated in the A to Z to find and get found. I consider this year a success. I found a handful of blogs that I enjoy very much and am now following. And I picked up a handful of new readers. I am blogging because I like it. Blogging now means connection and support and friends. Yes, I consider some of you wonderful friends that I would miss so very much if you quit or I quit. It no longer is the string keeping me in touch with my sanity. That is how far I've come.

How about you? What did you find during the month of April?

This post is Reflections on The A to Z. Yes, it is part of a bloghop.  You can sign up Here to participate or read the links.