Hey You, Get Off Of My Cloud

I woke up this morning and thought, "Oh dear, I should post a blog today."

Okay, truth time.... I thought about my blog after I shook off this horrible dream I had.

I am still reading the Unlearn Your Pain book and going to therapy. Turns out that there is a lot of crap that I simply internalized. Now, all of it (most of it? some of it? plenty of it?) is dragged out in the open so that I can look at it. Yikes. It is not pretty.

I thought I already tapped out this bad junior high school experience with a teacher. Apparently not. I woke up reliving that experience and then yelling at him about how teachers aren't supposed to bully kids. We got enough bullying from our classmates. And on and on and on. It was ugly. My head pounded with a horrible migraine. You just can't tell me that pain isn't thoughts. It is thoughts. On the plus side, I think it was cathartic, to a degree, to tell him (okay, scream at him) how I really felt about the whole thing. But, it was adult me doing the screaming. Would it have been more healing if it had been kid me? I don't know. The adult in me already knows it was wrong. Bad. Horrible. No teacher should act this way. But, the kid I was didn't SAY anything. Hmm. I guess this is a conversation for the therapist the next time we meet.

Anyway, I didn't really want to blog about my therapy... even though it is eating a lot of my mental and physical energy.

On an unrelated note, I finally finished my rough draft. I know that it needs SO MUCH WORK. But still. It is done. I have something to edit. I can revise something that already exists. I spent all day Sunday walking around and patting myself on the back. It is good to appreciate each accomplishment. 

On another unrelated note... or maybe related to the initial topic of what to blog about... Tara Tyler at Tara Tyler Talks gave me the Liebster Award. I received this award in the past, BUT I stopped keeping up with awards in my sidebar (and am thinking of eliminating them entirely to clean up said sidebar). I lacked material for today, so I decided to answer the questions. I am supposed to thank the person who bestowed the award on me (Thanks Tara!), answer her 10 questions, create 10 questions and pass it on. I am fudging on the last part, but I'm a rebel!

These are Tara's questions:

1) What was your favorite subject in school?
English.

2) Do you believe in love at first sight? (do your characters?)
I believe in Like At First Sight. Sometimes that like leads to love. I believe in meeting someone and feeling like you've known them forever. It has happened to me a handful times in this lifetime. Those connections are very special, whether they turn out to be good friends or SOs.

3) What genre do you write and why?
I write what most would call women's fiction (or just fiction since I have guy reading it who likes it....) with supernatural, mysterious, and romantic elements. Is that a genre???? I chose it because I enjoy reading it. I am currently reading a lot of YA so that I can write it somewhere down the road. I think you have to read A LOT within a genre before you understand it well enough to write it.

4) What advice would you give new writers?
I am a new writer. What advice do you want to give ME????

5) How long have you been blogging and what made you start?
2010. I was so sick in 2010. Migraines took over my life and I felt like I was contributing NOTHING to the world. Blogging was the vehicle I saw to better myself. It started out as the place for self expression to try and understand how I'd landed at this terrible place. It turned into a chronicle of the journey. Now, it's a mish mash of everything.

6) Morning, afternoon, or evening writer?
I tend to read and post blogs in the morning. Then I write. I like to relax in the evenings. Of course, all of that could change soon...

7) What's the hardest part about writing for you?
Do I have to pick JUST ONE thing? Frankly, it is all hard.

8) What movie would you like to be an extra in?
I spent ten minutes thinking about this and have come up with nothing. However, I would have liked to have been an extra for the TV show Moonlighting. I loved that show. Or maybe M*A*S*H. That one was great, too.

9) If you could go anywhere or any when for research, where/when would you go?
Scotland. I find that country fascinating. Pick a time. If I could time travel, I would leap through the centuries to see it all.

10) Did you always want to be a writer?
Yes and no. I always loved writing. Actually, that isn't true. I am like Dorothy Parker. At least, I think it was Dorothy Parker. Anyway, someone said, "I hate writing. I love having written." It's always been like that.

I am going to break the rules and NOT hand this out to specific people. If you are lacking blogging material and want to take a crack at the following ten questions, I would love to read your answers. If not, well that's fine, too:)

These are my questions:

1) Have you ever met someone famous?
2) What concert would you pay a "ridiculous" amount of money to see? The person or band can be dead or alive.
3) What personality trait do you like best about yourself?
4) If you could meet a character in a book, who would you choose?
5) If you won the lottery, how would you spend the money?
6) Do you believe that there is such a thing as "having it all"?
7) Have you ever had a paranormal experience of any kind?
8) What is the most important trait for a person to have in order to achieve success in their life? Job? Relationships? (It can be one trait that ties them all together or separate ones...)
9)  What is holding you back from achieving your dreams?
10) What is your favorite time of day?


Well, this post turned out rather long for someone who had no idea what they would write when the woke up.

Have you ever experienced physical pain from things that happened to you in the past or present? Do you understand the idea that pain is thoughts? Do you celebrate your large and small accomplishments? If you want the award, run with it and make a blog post. If you want to just take a stab at all or some of the questions here... well, I want to read it.

IWSG ~ My Rough Draft and My Migraines

Before I do anything else, I want to encourage you to play along in Battle of the Bands. The song for this battle is Time After Time, made famous by Cyndi Lauper. I have three different covers duking it out in this battle. Right now the separation by the top two is just ONE VOTE. And Miles Davis is doing pretty well with 4 votes. He is trailing the leader by only THREE VOTES. This is a close race, so get over there and put in your two cents by voting for YOUR favorite. You can CLICK HERE.

Today is the first Wednesday of the month and that means it is time for insecure writers everywhere to share their fears with the world. Alex J. Cavanaugh started the IWSG and his awesome co-hosts areTina Downey, Elsie, Elizabeth Seckman, and Julie Flanders! Please visit and thank them for helping today. You can CLICK HERE if you want to join the Linky List.

I am closing in on actually finishing my very first ever rough draft. What am I NOT insecure about these days? Right. I am one huge ball of nerves and insecurity. Once that rough draft is done everyone says the Real Work begins. Say what? Real work? This has been worse than giving blood. You mean that my rough draft sucks lemons and I am going to have to really work it over? Yeah probably. Fabulous.

Things we've never done before are scary. 

When we are stuck in a bad rut, and have been for a long time, it is scary. I mean, if we knew how to get out... we would. If we truly understood how we got here, we wouldn't make this sort of choice again. It's all muddled and unclear and worst of all... seems unending.

Anyone who has read this blog for any length of time is familiar with the fact that I have chronic migraines. Back in the late 90s I started getting them sporadically. After I got married, I got them much more often (this just sounds dumb every time I say it now) and after my then-husband's young children moved in with us full-time, I got them daily. Painfully. It was and wasn't the kids. They had major issues from living with their bio mom, but the bigger problem was that their father didn't do anything outside of his comfort zone. He had no experience with raising kids... so that was outside his comfort zone. And anything over that line, he backed away from it, held up his hands, and insisted that someone else take over.

We were married three years. By the end of that time, I was so sick that I had to divorce or die. That was really where I felt I was. My mom was convinced that I was going to die. I'd gone from a successful career in commission sales to spending the bulk of my time in bed trying not to throw up with my head pounding so loud that... I admit it, I wanted to die. I wasn't going to kill myself, but if one of those big holes opened in the ground swallowing my house,  well that would have been a miracle. The good kind. Yeah, that was where I was mentally. So sick I wanted to die.

Fast forward to today. I found a new doctor who referred me to a tapping therapist, changed my diet to NO processed foods and more veggies, and has pretty well weaned me off of most prescription drugs. I am still on a few. I still have migraines. But not severely like I did. Things are getting better. There is nothing else my doctor can do for me physically.

My therapist suggested I read a book by Michael Schubiner, M.D. called Unlearn Your Pain. He says that anyone with chronic pain (and no tissue disorder) has Mind Body Syndrome. Our minds are powerful. So powerful that thoughts manifest themselves in our bodies. For instance, we are embarrassed and we blush. That is something happening in the mind producing a physical response in the body. Other responses like migraines, back pain, neck pain, fibromyalgia, gastro disorders, and more, are more difficult to trace back to the mind... unless you know how to do it.

So, I worked the sheets in the workbook. Wrote down the earliest date I had headaches, stomach issues, dizziness, migraines, and on and on. Then, I had to figure out if ANYTHING traumatic happened to precede these events. Or about the same time. Woah.

Back in 2010, I wrote several times about the hell that was junior high school. I was really trying to sort through my emotional stuff. I knew I had junk in the trunk and releasing it was the only way out. Except I didn't. Release that is. So... junior high school.

Junior high was a nightmare. Our school was a merger of the richest kids in town and those of us living at the lower middle class level. The rich kids bullied the rest ceaselessly. Obviously, some bullies were worse than others. One had it in for me for three years. It felt like arming for war every day those three years. An unwinnable war. That was when the vicious headaches began and I felt sick to my stomach after every meal. Core issues of junior high: I was abused. I was trapped. I lost my voice. I lost my confidence. Nothing I did was ever good enough.

My marriage was a nightmare. It was a merger of someone who nurtured and gave and someone who took. The taker was never happy with the amount given and always wanted more. The taker verbally and emotionally abused constantly. It felt like arming for war every day. An unwinnable war. That was when the migraines began and the nausea had me throwing up constantly. Core issues of my marriage: I was abused. I was trapped. I lost my voice. I lost my confidence. Nothing I did was ever good enough.

Sound familiar? I was married three years to the day.

As soon as I connected these dots, my migraines started to get just a bit better. I still have issues to work out and release.

Living with a constant migraine has been scary. For the longest time it didn't seem like it would ever get better. No one had any answers. Doctors just kept throwing medication at it. But nothing changed. When something stays the same long enough, the idea trickles in that it might never change. This actually might be your life for the rest of your life. That is scary. I refused to accept that and kept looking for someone with a better answer. Eleven years later I believe I've found it.

I'm not saying I want to be working on this WiP for eleven years. But I know that I can conquer scary things. Because I already have.