Today is the first Wednesday of the month and that means it is time for insecure writers everywhere to share their fears with the world. Alex J. Cavanaugh started the IWSG and his awesome co-hosts areTina Downey, Elsie, Elizabeth Seckman, and Julie Flanders! Please visit and thank them for helping today. You can CLICK HERE if you want to join the Linky List.
I am closing in on actually finishing my very first ever rough draft. What am I NOT insecure about these days? Right. I am one huge ball of nerves and insecurity. Once that rough draft is done everyone says the Real Work begins. Say what? Real work? This has been worse than giving blood. You mean that my rough draft sucks lemons and I am going to have to really work it over? Yeah probably. Fabulous.
Things we've never done before are scary.
When we are stuck in a bad rut, and have been for a long time, it is scary. I mean, if we knew how to get out... we would. If we truly understood how we got here, we wouldn't make this sort of choice again. It's all muddled and unclear and worst of all... seems unending.
Anyone who has read this blog for any length of time is familiar with the fact that I have chronic migraines. Back in the late 90s I started getting them sporadically. After I got married, I got them much more often (this just sounds dumb every time I say it now) and after my then-husband's young children moved in with us full-time, I got them daily. Painfully. It was and wasn't the kids. They had major issues from living with their bio mom, but the bigger problem was that their father didn't do anything outside of his comfort zone. He had no experience with raising kids... so that was outside his comfort zone. And anything over that line, he backed away from it, held up his hands, and insisted that someone else take over.
We were married three years. By the end of that time, I was so sick that I had to divorce or die. That was really where I felt I was. My mom was convinced that I was going to die. I'd gone from a successful career in commission sales to spending the bulk of my time in bed trying not to throw up with my head pounding so loud that... I admit it, I wanted to die. I wasn't going to kill myself, but if one of those big holes opened in the ground swallowing my house, well that would have been a miracle. The good kind. Yeah, that was where I was mentally. So sick I wanted to die.
Fast forward to today. I found a new doctor who referred me to a tapping therapist, changed my diet to NO processed foods and more veggies, and has pretty well weaned me off of most prescription drugs. I am still on a few. I still have migraines. But not severely like I did. Things are getting better. There is nothing else my doctor can do for me physically.
My therapist suggested I read a book by Michael Schubiner, M.D. called Unlearn Your Pain. He says that anyone with chronic pain (and no tissue disorder) has Mind Body Syndrome. Our minds are powerful. So powerful that thoughts manifest themselves in our bodies. For instance, we are embarrassed and we blush. That is something happening in the mind producing a physical response in the body. Other responses like migraines, back pain, neck pain, fibromyalgia, gastro disorders, and more, are more difficult to trace back to the mind... unless you know how to do it.
So, I worked the sheets in the workbook. Wrote down the earliest date I had headaches, stomach issues, dizziness, migraines, and on and on. Then, I had to figure out if ANYTHING traumatic happened to precede these events. Or about the same time. Woah.
Back in 2010, I wrote several times about the hell that was junior high school. I was really trying to sort through my emotional stuff. I knew I had junk in the trunk and releasing it was the only way out. Except I didn't. Release that is. So... junior high school.
Junior high was a nightmare. Our school was a merger of the richest kids in town and those of us living at the lower middle class level. The rich kids bullied the rest ceaselessly. Obviously, some bullies were worse than others. One had it in for me for three years. It felt like arming for war every day those three years. An unwinnable war. That was when the vicious headaches began and I felt sick to my stomach after every meal. Core issues of junior high: I was abused. I was trapped. I lost my voice. I lost my confidence. Nothing I did was ever good enough.
My marriage was a nightmare. It was a merger of someone who nurtured and gave and someone who took. The taker was never happy with the amount given and always wanted more. The taker verbally and emotionally abused constantly. It felt like arming for war every day. An unwinnable war. That was when the migraines began and the nausea had me throwing up constantly. Core issues of my marriage: I was abused. I was trapped. I lost my voice. I lost my confidence. Nothing I did was ever good enough.
Sound familiar? I was married three years to the day.
As soon as I connected these dots, my migraines started to get just a bit better. I still have issues to work out and release.
Living with a constant migraine has been scary. For the longest time it didn't seem like it would ever get better. No one had any answers. Doctors just kept throwing medication at it. But nothing changed. When something stays the same long enough, the idea trickles in that it might never change. This actually might be your life for the rest of your life. That is scary. I refused to accept that and kept looking for someone with a better answer. Eleven years later I believe I've found it.
I'm not saying I want to be working on this WiP for eleven years. But I know that I can conquer scary things. Because I already have.
