Do you remember when I wrote about that transition into high school? Everything went pretty smoothly because I was Living With Intention. I had very specific goals, along with clear ideas on how to meet them. In the end, I achieved all of them. (I think I also mentioned on that post that I peaked in terms of smarts at that time... this post illustrates that truth!)
So, I chose a college that was seven hours from home. I didn't want to know a single person there. I didn't want my parents visiting me unexpectedly. I wanted to reinvent myself. Start all over. I thought I was figuring out who "I really was." Or, to put it another way, I wanted to be someone other than who I was. Is this feeling treacherous yet? It should... (cue the spooky music)
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| Freshman Year.... New and Improved? |
I had no idea how dangerous this was. I had no idea the consequences that would result from this reckless act. I had no idea how long the consequences would continue to manifest in my life (we're talking decades, folks). In other words, I was a woman without a clue. The most dangerous kind.
I've thought long and hard about my Life Choices in putting together this Soundtrack feature, and this choice might very well be the worst. Because it was the first. Because if not for this one, the rest might not have happened.
I deliberately chose to become a blank slate, more or less. I kept Music (as I intended to Major in that), but ditched everything else. Everything else. I was on a quest to fill holes I didn't know I had. We can call those holes The Two Ps: Pretty and Popular. In my (warped) mind, I'd achieved things in high school, but I still felt like I didn't have Value. What was missing? I didn't feel Pretty or Popular.
Ergo, the things that must make a person feel valued are... Pretty and Popular.
In some ways, I see this now as an algebra problem. I thought I had all the variables, but I didn't, so I arrived at the wrong answer, but didn't know it. In fact, all of these things were done on a subconscious level. At the time, I had no idea I was doing all of this for The Two Ps. I really thought I was looking for Me (very existential and all that...)
The problems are thus: there are no direct routes to Pretty and Popular. There are no maps. There are no clear-cut directions on achieving these things. My theory was to do the opposite of everything I did in high school, and I would run into it. What I didn't understand is that when you approach life as a blank slate, and you're ultimately looking for something (or someone) to give you value, you are not the one writing on your slate. You don't have boundaries. You are giving your power over to other people to give you Value. Worse, you are allowing other people to dictate who you become as you travel the foggy path to Pretty and Popular.
This mindset is important to understand, because this bad decision is the foundation for my adult life. If you weren't able to see how I run amok and headlong into migraines, I think it's all becoming clear now. Yep, I built my house on sand... and it eroded. Shocking.
Birdie in the hand for life's rich demand
The insurgency began and you missed it
I looked for it and I found it
Miles Standish proud, congratulate me
A philanderer's tie, a murderer's shoe
Life's rich demand creates supply in the hand
Of the powers, the only vote that matters
Silence means security, silence means approval
Watchin' Zenith on the TV, tiger run around the tree
Follow the leader, run and turn into butter
Let's begin again, begin the begin
Let's begin again like Martin Luthers in
The mythology begins the begin
Answer me a question, I can't itemize
I can't think clearly, look to me for reason
It's not there, I can't even rhyme, begin the begin
A philanderer's tie, a murderer's shoe
Example, the finest example is you
Birdie in the hand for life's rich demand
The insurgency began and you missed it
I looked for it and I found it
Miles Standish proud, congratulate me
A philanderer's tie, a murderer's shoe
Let's begin again, begin the begin
Let's begin again
Have you ever attempted to reinvent yourself? If so, how did that work out? Have you ever added up the variables but gotten the wrong answer? Have you ever made choices that caused you to "build your house" on sand?
If you're enjoying these posts, feel free to share your own Soundtrack. This isn't a hop. No requirements at all, but a suggestion to do it one song at a time. (If you participated in the hop several years ago, you can still do this. Just post them one song at a time, with the freedom to add more songs if you'd like.) I'll link to all participants at the bottom of each of these posts:
StMcC Presents BATTLE OF THE BANDS
Cherdo on the Flipside
