So, we're still in Freshman year, and I promised to tell you how things went in achieving my (ridiculous) goal of The Two Ps... among other things. If you'll recall my only idea was to do the opposite of what I'd done before, which is pretty scary stuffs when you stop and think about it.
After some observation, it seemed that The Two Ps were engaging in Partying, which brings me to the Third P.
Let me clarify something before I move forward. Had you asked me during college if I thought I was "off the reservation," I would've said "NO." I really liked college and didn't want to graduate. So, perspective and perception (two more Ps) are hard at work here.
Partying, aka drinking alcoholic beverages, wasn't all bad. It just wasn't all good. It bolstered my confidence to actually (gasp) talk to boys. It turns out that wasn't so terrible. Of course, once I passed beer number four it all got dicey. (Low tolerance was definitely a bad part of this equation.) Drinking made me feel more confident (pretty and popular) and in the feeling, I guess there was a measure of truth. However, it was a band-aid on a heart wound. Remember, I warned you back when we started this thing that I would later throw anyone and anything into those holes in my heart in an attempt to fill them up. We can officially call this Attempt #1.
The other reason that partying was hard on me (aside from the aforementioned low tolerance) is that it really went against the way I was raised. On the one hand, it filled up my holes and gave me Value. On the other hand, it felt like I was cheating on God. Which, I guess I was if you hold to the idea that God should be first in your life (and I did). Making the decision that drinking filled a need that God did not altered my relationship with God for many years. Lucky for me, God remains the same even while we wander around in a daze.
"No matter where you go, there you are." ~Buckaroo Bonzai
Seems like a silly saying, doesn't it? Well, that was very much like my college experience. I wanted to be someone else, but even a fairly good actor can only maintain "someone else" for so long. For me, this manifested in a variety of ways. I had two distinct sets of friends in college. Party Friends and Not Party Friends. In this way I got to be both sides of myself. With my closest Party Friends I was both (mostly because they were very much like me in their own duality).
I also obsessed over a boy I met at a party because we sat and talked for hours and had this amazing conversation. My friends didn't understand this attraction at all because he really wasn't even good looking. Ah well. Turns out, he was also really not interested in little ole me. That made for an easy crush. This was the sort of "relationship" I could manage. No effort and all longing. Ha! Then I dated (briefly) another guy who was of the Non-Party Variety. Very good looking and super nice. At the time I thought he was boring. Maybe he was. Maybe he wasn't. Turns out he was "work." As in relationships require work. I was still a solid year away from being able to manage anything "real."
I also rushed a sorority my freshman year who rejected me. At the time, that was really painful. However, the more I watched those girls on campus, I realized they were the Mean Girls of my Junior High School. So, of course, I wanted them to like me. Of course, they didn't. By the end of the year I was grateful that God doesn't answer all prayer. I didn't belong in that group.
All in all... Freshman Year was a Mad Season. I did more changing in that one year than I had in all of the years that came before.
I particularly like the line:
And I've been changing
I think it's funny how no one knows
Can you think of a time when you decided that you wanted to "change everything" or "be someone else?" Have you ever filled your own holes with unhealthy things?
If you're enjoying these posts, feel free to share your own Soundtrack. This isn't a hop. No requirements at all, but a suggestion to do it one song at a time. (If you participated in the hop several years ago, you can still do this. Just post them one song at a time, with the freedom to add more songs if you'd like.) I'll link to all participants at the bottom of each of these posts:
StMcC Presents BATTLE OF THE BANDS
Cherdo on the Flipside
