Friday, September 11, 2015

What I Learned This Summer, Part 1

PART 1 OF 4:

On my last post, I told you that I wanted to share with you things I've learned this summer.

Before I went to camp, I worried and worried and worried about it. (I think it should be obvious that worrying nets you nothing but migraines, but there you go.) Of course, I worried about the obvious stuff like my ability to simply be able to do it. However, I also worried about whether or not people would like me (typical co-dependent stuff) and if I'd be able to relate to the kids. There was also an unspoken worry about whether I was "good enough" as a Christian to do this. I think that unspoken worry was the worst. Honestly, it was the one I didn't want to even think about, more less form into a coherent thought that could be addressed.

One of the things I've learned over the course of my Soundtrack Posts*(story of my life set to song) is that I really screwed up. We aren't far enough long (yet) for you to see the entire disaster roll out, but if you're paying attention all the makings for it are in place. My self-esteem took a severe punch during the three years of junior high school** creating what I called "holes," and it never really recovered. I would spend a very long time trying to throw anything and everything into those holes so I could feel whole. Do you see the irony?

*link to Soundtrack posts (in general)
**link to junior high school and "holes" post (in specific)

Worse, I would make decisions that would put me further and further out of touch with my Christian faith. I was looking in "worldly places" for someone or something to fix my holes. (How many people does it take to say "you are pretty" or "you are worthy" or "you are smart" to undo years of damage? I don't know, but I can tell you I NEVER reached that number.) I had no idea that I already had everything I needed to repair those holes. Had I simply looked toward my faith instead of away, the answer would've been really obvious, as it is to me right now. (I died for you. I love you. You are already worthy. Go in peace, my child.)

Back to pre-camp and my last session with my therapist. I told her some of my worries. She told me that I don't need to share with the folks at camp the worst aspects of my life. Migraines. Disability. Abuse. Instead, focus on the positive. Knowing me, she also reminded me of the law of thirds. That is one third of the people will really like you, one third will be "okay" with you, and the last third will dislike you. Possibly because you remind them in some indistinct way of someone else that they actively dislike. Or, yeah, it could just be you. In other words, it would be unrealistic to go into this experience thinking everyone is just going to embrace you with open arms.

For the record, I still believe in the law of thirds. However, I also believe in the laws of time and experience. What do I mean by that? I mean that the law of thirds would've been an excellent outcome for my camp experience. The reality was that most of the staff was much younger than I am (in their twenties, with many still in college). In other words, most of them them could've been my kids. AND they knew each other. Just like I knew the other counselors way back when I was last at camp in 1986 and 1992. It was like a reunion with your camp family. WELL, that makes it tough for a new/old person who isn't part of the family. So, we hadn't spent time together and our experience was vastly different.

Now go back and pull in my biggest and unspoken fear: You are not a "good enough" Christian to be here.

I spent the four days of training in an internal argument with myself. The scared part kept saying things like, "What do you think you're doing? You aren't capable of helping anyone." The added bonus was, "Most of the staff doesn't even like you. They know you're not good enough to be here." The more rational part was saying things like, "This will get easier as time goes by. Maybe my experience can help someone else." I suppose the more rational side won since I stayed.

Given my trouble with migraines, I decided not to be a cabin counselor, but to be on support staff. Believe me when I say that was much more than I thought. I taught three activities every day and worked somewhere during Free Time. However, most of the time my evenings were free. That was a mixed bag. I liked being able to just go to bed if I didn't feel well. I missed evening campfires and the way God works within one.

I believe it was Sunday night/Monday morning of week one when I woke up at 3am (probably with a migraine), but also with a certainty that I was supposed to give a testimonial message at the campfire for the high school girls. I wasn't all that keen on it, but the idea wouldn't let me go, and I was up until 6am working it out in my head. When that sort of thing happens, I know that it is outside of me. It wasn't what I wanted, but I still ended up talking to the Division Director, telling her the way this happened, and giving that message on Tuesday night.

Come back on Monday and I'll share with you that message.

Are you familiar with the law of thirds? Do you struggle with the idea of people not liking you? Have you made choices that took you further from, instead of closer to, your faith? What do you do when you're in a situation that scares you?

26 comments:

  1. GIRL WONDER ~

    >>... Are you familiar with the law of thirds?

    I don't think I'd heard of it before, but upon first thought, and on the surface, it seems to be approximately accurate.

    >>... Do you struggle with the idea of people not liking you?

    Ha!-Ha! What do you think? Do I?

    >>... Have you made choices that took you further from, instead of closer to, your faith?

    Oh, Hellck yes. As I've said often: "UHP! I'M AN IDIOT!"

    >>... What do you do when you're in a situation that scares you?

    I empty my Smith & Wesson .38 into him. That always makes the fear go away.
    [:-)}

    ~ D-FensDogG
    'Loyal American Underground'

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    1. You know McSmarty Pants, those questions are just prompts for those folks who read your blog and sit there not knowing what to say. Since I know this isn't an issue for YOU (yous always got sumpin to say), you can ignore these questions on future posts!

      Delete
    2. Did you just... give me "The Finger"?
      HA! ;-)

      ~ D-FensDogG

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  2. I've never heard about the law of thirds. For about the first twenty years I was married, I thought everyone hated me because my ex-husband told me everyone hated me. He even said that the people who were my "friends" in high school never liked me and made fun of my behind my back. He told me that one girl said I looked like a monkey. I was confused. He was very authoritative. I had to believe him. Everything I'd done, all my accomplishments, became nothing. I wasn't beautiful or talented anymore even though I'd been a finalist in a beauty pageant, and I won the talent award. All those people who told me how smart and pretty I was were wrong. They HAD to be. Then my children grew up. I got out of the house more. I had jobs. I discovered that most people loved me! In fact, I was popular. Not everyone was crazy about me. The person I reported for abuse at the nursing home certainly didn't like me. But one night I was working with a woman with whom I felt a bit uncomfortable. She was very large and opinionated. I worried that she would be out to get me. I said something to her--I don't remember what, probably something about patient care. For some reason that night, she said, You know what, Janie? You're all right.

    And I am all right. I still suffer from fear of abandonment and a host of other issues, but the longer I'm divorced, the better I feel. I've definitely made decisions that took me away from God. I ask for His forgiveness. He forgives me. The last time I was frightened, I had a terrible panic attack and was breathing so hard I was almost immobile. I managed to grab my phone and call my son. He asked what was wrong. Telling him forced me to get control over my breathing because I couldn't talk without breathing more normally. He listened to everything I said. I was about to leave my home for an appointment. He said that if I had trouble driving to pull over, call him, and he'd talk me through it.

    Now, that's a sun.

    This process of changing and feeling better didn't happen overnight. It's taken many years.



    Love,
    Janie

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. I'm sorry that it has taken me so long to respond to your comment. I read it last week and it was Powerful. I wanted to respond in kind.

      I'm fairly certain that abusive people instinctively know that they have to isolate their victim for the abuse to work. They also have to start slow with the undermining things they say. If your ex had told you before you were married that you were darn near worthless, well you'd have quit dating him then and there... and that would've been it.

      And you know that even your ex doesn't believe that stuff about you... or he wouldn't have married you. He just needed you to believe it so you wouldn't leave him. Abusers are always operating from a place of fear.

      And they put their victims in a place of fear and hopelessness until something finally happens that the victim has a wake-up call and does what the abuser fears most: leave.

      I'm so glad you left. No one should live with an abusive person. It takes a while to "re-find" yourself, but it sounds like you're on your way.

      The longer you're divorced and accept the positive things about yourself that you know are actually true, the better you'll feel. In the years right after my divorce I'd have panic anxiety attacks that were very scary. It felt like I couldn't breathe. So, I know what you're saying. But, I stopped having them years ago. I think you will, too. Or maybe you already have.

      Thank you for sharing this.

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  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    1. Robin, excuse the previous deletion. I did a "soundtrack of my life" post on my BOTB blog. I don't know why I put it there rather than my main blog... maybe the music, who knows. It's a done deal now. The song is my life. You can say I've always been a person to "jump, cut and run." Who cares if it doesn't sound complimentary - it happens when I cannot 'see' what's going on. In my life that has been a heartache or two.

      In my zeal to understand 'unconditional love' - I find I let go off the person, place or thing, completely, whether or not I want to. In order to understand 'my calling' from the Lord, this seems to be a solution.

      It sounds like summer was a 'winner' for you. Me too, in many ways. Glad you returned safely (smile).

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    2. I read and commented on your soundtrack post. Again and again, I think to myself none of us get an "easy" life. But, some are harder than others. Yours was tough. I'm sorry for that. But, I'm glad you found God and the peace that comes from knowing Him.

      I'm glad you're feeling better and had such a great summer. (smile)

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  4. I only know that the most important thing is to forgive ourselves for whatever happened before.

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    1. Yes. You are so right.

      Ironically, I'm watching this show Proof on the DVR. Last night the main character was talking to a priest. She was living in a place of not being able to forgive herself, and she stopped going to church years ago. In fact, I'd say her relationship with God is actually in a worse place than mine was. But the priest just rolled with it, and managed to find the right words to say to her (IMO). He told her he didn't know why she couldn't forgive herself, but he'd give her absolution from God. However, he didn't think it'd mean anything to her. If knowing that God forgave her didn't trigger her to forgive herself, her burden wasn't going to get any lighter.

      And that is so true. If we can accept God's forgiveness it enables us to forgive ourselves.

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  5. Do you struggle with the idea of people not liking you?

    No and yes.

    For the most part, I've never cared much what other people think of me. While I would not want to give others just cause to think I am a jerk, I've always been pretty confident in doing what I wanted to do and the heck with what others think.

    BUT...

    And there's always a but....

    When it comes to pursuing romance, I am a coward.

    While I know logically it is no big deal if I ask someone out and they say no, I have been petrified of rejection since thirteen or thereabouts.

    Go figure.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MzmbEPkhioE

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    1. I don't think I'm going to say anything you don't already know, but rejection is scary. It is. It also feels really personal (when it shouldn't) because that person doesn't actually know you. And chances are fair to reasonable that the "no" doesn't even have anything to do with you.

      Never taking a chance gives you a safe life. And for some people that's fine. Safe is good. Maybe you're one of those people. Maybe you're not. But I like to think if you met someone and truly felt a connection, you'd ask. Just because.

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  6. If you think you have misgivings about your life at your young age, just wait until you are my age. You'll have so much more time to make so many more mistakes. nyuk, nyuk, nyuk
    But the neat thing is, by that time you also don't "give a damn." LOL

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    1. I hope that as I get older I get a bit easier on myself. I've been a pretty tough critic up to this point. I'm not sure that's been all that healthy for me.

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  7. I have never heard of the law of thirds. It's a good thing to apply not only to people liking ourselves -- but also to us authors who wish everyone would love our books. Not going to happen. A Law of Thirds applied to books is a good thing.

    I also know about worry making you physically ill. I have been having physical symptoms of anxiety for the past several days, and the more I pay attention to them, the worse they get. I have no real reason to feel anxious, which made it worse.

    It wasn't until my husband got home from a business trip and engaged me in conversation about my week that he stopped me at one point and said, "There. That's what's causing your anxiety. I hear it in your voice."

    See, I've had an offer to do something really cool at almost no expense to myself. It's an honor to be asked, as an author. It involves overseas travel and sight-seeing as well as an opportunity to lead workshops. Really, it's a partial working vacation in a foreign country mostly paid for by someone else. I was really psyched to be asked.

    But underneath it all, things were eating me up inside. I'll be in close quarters with a lot of strangers for several days. As an introvert, I wonder how it will exhaust me to have to always be "on" socially. I wonder if I have anything of value to offer as a workshop leader. I wonder if people will like me while we do all the sight-seeing things together. I wonder if I'll have any down-time to recharge.

    And I had no idea that all this was churning around in my mind, making me sick.

    I AM going to do it. It seems to me that you are happy you took the risk and stepped outside your comfort zone, even though you knew you'd have to deal with migraines. I'm going to do the same and accept that I can place myself in the hands of this tour group, know that I won't have a hotel room to retreat to, that I might have to socialize more than I'm used to -- and that it might just be one of the best experiences of my new life as "full time writer."

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    1. The law of thirds. Yes, I think every writer should be aware of the law of thirds. It just makes it all so much easier by taking away the (mis)conception that everyone is going to like my writing. They aren't AND it's okay. Wow. What a relief.

      Anxiety. It's the worst when you can't pinpoint it.

      I think the reason my migraines used to be so much worse (as bad as they are now, they're better) is that I had so much anxiety about so many things and it was all unnamed. The tapping helped me to sort out what was giving me angst and let it go. It was a slow process.

      Part of the reason I write the Soundtrack posts is to see how I feel during the writing. If I write a post and am suddenly filled with anxiety, my migraines get worse, or something of that nature... chances are I haven't fully dealt with that experience. It's how I know now what needs to be dragged into my therapists' office for further work.

      I'm glad that in talking to your husband you identified your own anxiety. It's always easier to deal with something when you've got a light shining on it. Everything's scarier in the dark. Plus, I know you'll be great and very likely have one of the best times of your life!!! Remember the law of thirds for this trip. Some people will love you. Some will think you're okay. And some will not really like you or get you. And that is NORMAL. Focus on the 2/3 of the group where you'll make an impression and can be of help.

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  8. The law of thirds sounds a lot like the law of 150 games in baseball- which really bleeds over to the rest of life when you think about it:

    You'll always win 50 games and lose 50 games. It's what you do with the OTHER 50 that count.

    Can't wait to hear "the rest of the story."

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    1. Yeah, that does sound similar. I think that in some situations (when you know you're with like-minded people) your odds change on that thirds thing. And maybe your baseball analogy becomes more "true." I like it. I will add it to my way of thinking about life.

      There's always more to the story!

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  9. I have not heard of the law of thirds but it makes sense. I am a worry wort extraordinaire! I think we all have dealt with the concern of people not liking us but in the end, there is nothing I can do about it only how I react to it. I would have tons of grey hairs if I would worry about all the people who didn't like me but I am still pretty good in that dept. (I don't dye my hair either). I am glad you went and I think there was a reason for it as there always is. I will look forward to reading your next post.

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    1. Yep. You nailed an important point on the head: all we can do is decide how we're going to act (or react) in any given situation. I think understanding the law of thirds just makes it easier to accept (and not react badly) when someone doesn't like you. You can quiet your mind and say, "It's the law of thirds. It's okay. You're fine."

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  10. Hi Robyn... Am I familiar with the law of thirds? Well, considering that 50% of the people I meet instantly dislike me, I'm not sure I even qualitfy as someone who is familiar with the law of thirds. But that's okay. I know why people don't like me and I know why people like me. So how come you worry so much?

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    1. That is a good question. Why do I worry so much? I think that I'm better on that front (as a general rule). Camp had me going because it was really pushing my "everything." And when I say everything, I mean all of my fears. I knew it would be an excellent test to see if I could manage three weeks without migraines taking over my life. The answer was mixed. Yes and no. I could with the help of pain medication, but that put me back in the hamster wheel. I'm hoping by next summer I'll be better prepared.

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  11. I'm not familiar with the "Law of Thirds", but I don't think any of us are "good enough" but that should never keep us from trying to do what God calls us to do. After all, we're the ones God put here to do his work so he must think we have the potential to be almost good enough.

    Arlee Bird
    A to Z Challenge Co-host
    Tossing It Out

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    1. Well, it's taken me some time, but I agree with you. God chose us, so we must be enough.

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  12. The theory works too when training. I am a corporate trainer and my company is going through HUGE merger. Most everyone I am training is new to me and from the other company. I worry everyday that they wont like me. Its exhausting. I have to stop myself and just tell myself that all I can do is my best. Half of them wont remember what I said a week ago anyway.
    I pray for my worry. I am the queen of worry!

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    1. I worry too. I'll pray for you.

      However, you're already right. These new people won't remember half of what you said. And some will like you, some will be cool with you, and others won't like you at all. It's the law of thirds.

      The flip side is you're not going to like all of them either. Focus on that;)

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