On My Long Way Down

Another day has overtaken me and my level of productivity... well, I'd rather not talk about it.

Regarding my "almost relationship": all remains quiet on the southern front. (Not surprising.) In the course of this silence, I have thought of two things.

1) Patience is not my long suit. 

2) Calling him again is not a good idea.

Why is calling a bad idea? (I'm so glad you asked!)

It's a long story, and I won't go into the details here, but suffice to say that a long time ago with my first serious boyfriend I made a huge mistake. What was it? Well, as I said there's a long story that I don't want to get into here, but the significant part is as follows:

He went to boot camp and I went to work in NYC. I wrote tons of letters and got no response. I'm thinking he's changed his mind (not an unrealistic thought since the relationship had a long and annoying history of being on and off, with him controlling the ons and offs). And when I KNEW he was home and hadn't called me I got really drunk and called him. Nothing good ever happens when you drunk dial. Believe me. The gist was that he got all my letters when boot camp ended, and I was clearly upset at not having heard from him (ya think?), and he decided that continuing on would only hurt me more. Oh, he was so right about that. I figured that out about four years later. Anywhoozle, it took me a long time to fully understand that I stopped loving him right in that moment. I thought I still loved him, and continued on like I did, but the really good part of that love died right there on a parquet kitchen floor in Queens, New York.

You see, I wanted someone who was willing to fight for me. Or maybe thought I was worth fighting for. Whatever. And he wasn't that guy and he was never going to be that guy and it took me four years of trying to turn him into that guy to realize that I should have just accepted his answer the first time. Back on that parquet floor in Queens, New York. Continuing on was only going to hurt me more. He was 100% correct.

So, I've been thinking about that a lot these past few days. This tree guy will either decide I am someone worth fighting for (well not fighting precisely), but you know what I mean. Or he won't. But, if I call him (again), it's the first boyfriend all over again. And I will stop loving him before I even get a chance to start. And that seems like a big waste of time, and frankly I'm getting older and don't have four years to just throw into the toilet.

And that made me think of the Train song called Ordinary. And that made me realize that I should've posted it after the post on My Private Nation. It was released right after that record on the Spiderman 2 soundtrack. It is so much in the style of the My Private Nation record that it could've been on the album and fit in very well. It also is a perfect fit for the not-so-short story I told above.




Is it just me or do we all want to be anything but ordinary? And feel frustrated when our lives are so ordinary. Or our writing.

You read that correctly.

This song causes me to segue from my love life on life support to my writing on life support. I just don't believe in doing something unless you do it really well. I don't want to write a book that as the amazing Bryan over at A Beer For The Shower would say, "It's the best book no on will ever read." (He said this tongue-in-cheek about a story idea for his own book, but it made me pause and gasp a little.) Writing is such hard work that I cannot imagine being that person who devotes so much time and energy to something that is "okay" or "passable" or "fine." Oh God, please anything but fine.

I want to write something so funny, so witty, so damn spectacular (in its own obscure way) that makes a person not want to put the book down. Just like so many books have grabbed me in my life, and the last thing I ever wanted to do was quit reading and then wanted to cry just because it was over. So, I read it again so I could live for a few more hours in that world.

I want to be anything but ordinary. In my life. In my writing. Heck, I could probably settle for just this blog.

And that is why when I put My Private Nation back in the CD player the song that grabbed me by the throat was this one (Lyrics Below bolded by me):

I put ketchup on my scrambled eggs
And everybody thinks it's funny
I don't get mad

I don't laugh 'cause you don't shave your legs
But everybody thinks it's funny
No need to get mad

I don't spend my time with anyone
Who doesn't think I'm wonderful
Or somewhat cash refundable at times

Now I'm out here counting airplanes
Trying to make sense of the change
And I don't wanna be just anybody
So don't try to figure me out
I won't try to figure you out
I don't wanna be some average anybody

Now I got friends that ride into the storm
And ride out of the storm with nothing
They rode into the storm with

And there seems to be a price for everything
You get what you pay for then you pay for
What you already thought you bought before

But now I'm out here counting airplanes
Trying to make sense of the change
And I don't wanna be just anybody
So don't try to figure me out
I won't try to figure you out
I don't wanna be some average anybody

When you're up between the new sky line
The city lights and the warm sunshine
It's a long way down

When you can count on one hand what you love
And can count on who you love to help you
On your long way down

Well you end up counting airplanes
Trying to keep up with the changes
I don't wanna be with anybody else
So don't try to figure me out
I won't try to figure you out
I don't wanna be some average anybody

I don't wanna be with anybody else

When you're up between the new sky line 

The city lights and the warm sunshine
It's a long way down, it's a long way down
It's a long way down

My Almost Relationship.... For Me, It's You

Me before the Train concert in 2012

This post is going to be two things that I think in a bizarre sort of way go together. 1) I'm going to tell you the story of my almost relationship (yeah, with a man) and 2) We're moving on to the next CD Train released: For Me, It's You.

Remember I told you that the writing on Train's CDs was often a bit like a mirror into Pat's soul? What do I know about his life at this time? Well, not a whole lot, but SOME. During the My Private Nation tour he met the lady who would become his wife. So, I think his personal life took an extremely positive turn while this album was written. Of course, he still had kids with his ex-wife and there was probably some lingering sadness over that mess. But, all in all, his life was pretty darn good. And this album didn't do well--at all--with the general public. No big hits (the only Train album to not garner at least one song that blasted the charts). So, even though the critics liked it, the public... not so much. As for me... this was 2005 when my migraines really took over my life. Even I didn't buy this one. Hard to do when you rarely leave the house, or your bedroom, or your bed for that matter. I dropped 20 pounds this year and looked very like death warmed over. (No, this isn't the story I promised above.)

So, let's listen to the track For Me, It's You (which was never even released as a single) because I think the title track generally reflects the MOOD of the album, as I stated last post. You can listen to this one while you read my story. Or watch the video/lyrics and then read my story, whichever you prefer.




If I ever find truth I'm gonna let you know
If I ever find faith I'm gonna sit in every bit of its afterglow
If I ever find a way to bring love here today
You better bet your life that this is what I'll say
Give it if you've got it
Get it if you don't
Take my hand in the meantime
And let's walk into the sunshine
Everybody got something that they want to sing about
Laugh about, cry about, it's true
For me, it's you

So, here's the story:

I've told you about my forays with mom at the biker bar singing karaoke. I think I've told you at least one story of a man taking interest that was very one-sided (his side, not mine). But those experiences had value as I learned the art (better, if not perfectly) of speaking my mind. Back in November (the last time we were there), I ran into this fella I kinda/sorta knew. He owns a tree service and took down a large tree in our yard (with his crew) shortly after we moved here. I was still suffering mightily with migraines at that time and my contact with him was extremely limited, as it was another day of living in bed for me.

But, I approached him at the bar and asked "Are you____________?" And he said he was. I told him that he'd taken down our tree. Turns out, he remembered our house (and me), indicating that he felt terrible about the noise given my migraine.

And we talked for quite a while.

Not sure what he was thinking, but I was thinking, "Holy cow. I think I have finally met someone at this place I'd be interested in dating." There is something STRONG to be said for a man with whom you can conversate. (Just kidding. You know that's not a word, right? If not, you can read all about it here.) The long and short of that evening: he joined us for a while. He stepped out to go to the restroom or take a phone call.... I really can't recall. Mom decided she was ready to leave RIGHT NOW, and we left.

I hoped he'd come back and we could see what happened. The problem: we didn't come back. And didn't come back. And still didn't come back. The list of reasons is long and varied, but it's January 10, and we still haven't been back.

About mid-December I began to feel some angst about the whole thing. That bar was NOT a regular place for him to go. What if he came back (repeatedly) only to find out we weren't there? As January pushed forward, with no sign in sight of us returning soon, I finally said to mom, "I think maybe I'll call him."

Oh my Lord. The nerves. I don't know how you fellas deal with this sort of thing. I had to think on it for several days. What do I say? Go out for coffee? Lunch? If so, where do I suggest? It was all extremely nerve-racking!

I made the call to his business phone. Only after I dialed did two things occur to me. 1) He might be married. 2) He might not remember me. So, after an extremely awkward introduction of who I was, since he asked if I wanted a tree removed and I told him no, and I'd called to invite him out for coffee. (Mind you, I felt very stupid as I said this since he didn't seem to even know who I was!) I wanted to just hang up. Then, he figured it out. He knew who I was. Whew!

And that brings us to the other Train song on the album For Me, It's You. It's called Cab. It was released to the radio stations, but didn't do well. As for me... I like it. And it fits the mood of my story.




He tells me that he did show up at the bar looking for me. He was divorced in 2011 and hadn't dated anyone since his divorce. I was the second person he was "interested" in. Don't know what happened to the first. Anyway, I wasn't there (yeah, I know). In the meantime, he met someone else at the bar while looking for me and they've been dating a short while. I have to admit that in that moment, I felt just a bit crushed. You know, like a semi truck unloaded it's entire haul right on my head. I mean, I'd only been psyching myself up about this for a couple months... and then a few days for the actual phone call.

Back to the dating. He said they'd been going out two weeks, but I suspect it's more like a month. According to him, she's a "real nice lady" but he "doesn't know where it's going" and "he's not looking for something serious." Which I doubt. I think that when we meet the right person, we're interested in something serious. When we're with the wrong one, that's what we tell ourselves. Besides, he was married 20+ years and hasn't dated anyone since. That doesn't scream player to me. Or maybe I'm reading something into this that isn't there and he thinks she's wonderful.

He then asks if he can call me if it doesn't work out with her. (Yeah, this is why I think that relationship may not be all that.) I tell him that would be great. And it would. He's only been dating her a short time. It may work out. It may not. Although, I think if he was really into her he would've told me that. I know if I met someone and really thought he was The One, I wouldn't be asking for another guy's number.

So, I say something about it all being bad timing, which it was. He then proceeds to ask me questions and we talk for something like 20-30 minutes on the phone. As I said, I really enjoy talking to him, and I think the feeling is mutual. He told me I could call him anytime just to talk, because he enjoys talking to me. I said I didn't feel comfortable with that AND that I figured he'd know inside a month whether or not he and she will continue. He can call me if they don't. And we hung up.

Will this work out? No idea. For a couple days, I kicked myself over the way it all went down. And then I realized it's okay no matter how it turns out. We tend to allow our self image to be caught up in what someone else thinks/does. In this case, I'm not more appealing if he calls or less appealing if he doesn't. I'm just me, either way. (But you can be sure that if he DOES call, I will tell you about it!!!)

I'm still looking for a fare

No one said that it was fair
To be alone

The days are better, the nights are still so lonely
Sometimes I think I'm the only cab on the road

The days are better, the nights are still so lonely
Sometimes I think I'm the only cab on the road
Sometimes I think I'm the only cab on the road

How to wait after it feels like you've waited so long

Have you ever felt just generally uninspired?

When I get into these funks, I tend to listen to music.

When I was a teenager, that usually involved a record player or cassette player (yeah, I'm showing my age here) and a hairbrush (later a curling iron), because they both made excellent microphones. Besides, what is more fun than dancing around your room singing into a hairbrush? Not much, let me tell you. (This might suggest that I need to get out more... hmmm. Something to ponder later.) BUT, this sort of thing was almost always successful in raising my spirits.

I also spent many years with a tape player (later a CD player) permanently installed in my bathroom. I turned it up loud while in the shower and down (a little) when I wasn't. Again, this was excellent for the overall mood. However, when migraines struck in the early 2000s, this is one behavior I mostly quit. Who could stand the noise???? The water hitting the shower was loud enough... OMG. (Yeah, when this is loud, you have a migraine.)

I've gone on about the band Train on this blog before. In fact, I wrote a series of posts before I went to see them in concert (again) back in 2012 for their California 37 tour.

So, when my mood plummeted to Blah, I pulled the CD player off the shelf. Pulled my meditation CD out. Put Train's CD My Private Nation in.

Short story: I knew the Train hits Meet Virginia and Drops of Jupiter before I saw them for the first time live back in 2003 (I think). It was right after their album My Private Nation was released and one of the many concerts my ex-husband dragged me to (completely oblivious of how painful concerts were to my migraine situation). This one was outdoors (and much more pleasant for this migraine sufferer). All I remember is that a couple of songs in I was hooked. Infatuated. Completely under their spell. I bought a freakin' T-shirt. The ex did not. And soon after I loaded up on CDs. So, I mean hooked.

As I've learned more about this band, the more I believe that you can get a sense of where they were just by the song they choose to name the album after. The first one was self-titled with just Train. So, I guess it was the "this is who we are" album. Drops of Jupiter was second. I watched Pat on a TV special (MTV maybe?) talk about how that song came to him via a dream he had about his mother who recently passed. She was his staunchest supporter and died before the band achieved any "real" success. So, the song Drops of Jupiter is about his mother. Ironically, it's the band's "biggest" song to date, so his mother inspired an iconic song AFTER she died. With that in mind, I'm posting it here, though I think you've already heard it, unless you don't listen to contemporary music. (Yeah, I'm looking at you Stephen T. McCarthy.)




I loved that song before I really understood it. Now, I love it more.

But, My Private Nation. Man, I love that album. I listened to the whole thing yesterday, and damn. Every song on that album appeals to me. Every single one. Pat Monahan writes many of the songs (or at least co-writes), so the albums almost always reflect where he is in life. Does it get more real than that? And he wasn't in this great place when he wrote My Private Nation. His marriage dissolved, and anyone who's divorced know how that feels. So, there are songs that speak to that, as well as songs with just those quirky lyrics that Pat does so well. I could easily find a reason to post every song from that album, but that wouldn't be pleasing to anyone but me. ::sigh::

I will suggest that you listen to When I Look To The Sky, Get To Me, Calling All Angels, and I'm About To Come Alive. That last one really resonated with me on this listening, because I feel like that for the first time in a long time. Like I'm on the verge of it. Just hang with me for a little bit longer. I'm about to come alive.

But, like I said, I've noticed that the title song captures the MOOD of the album, even when it's never released to the radio. So, My Private Nation is the one I'm posting here.



How to get, how to give
How to make ends meet
How to lose, how to win
How to stay on the seat
How to use momentum to keep the two wheels straight
How to wait after it feels like you waited so long

I don't need nobody flyin' in my jet stream
Take the bus
Go on and get yourself your own dream

You can ride on, it ain't free
Leave a light on, so you can see
How to get back when you go