Showing posts with label secrets. Show all posts
Showing posts with label secrets. Show all posts

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

WAS IT JUST A DREAM? PART I

The dreams that I have in the morning just before I wake up are always the most vivid. Of course, any dream that I have just before I wake up will be vivid, particularly if it causes me to wake up.

I suppose it was about two years ago that I had THIS dream. I was with my father and we were in Athens, Ohio. I would say that we were walking, but we weren't. We were upright, about two feet above the ground, and moving very fast. Say 55-60mph. We were traveling along familiar roads where my father's family lived. I kinda sorta knew where we were. And we were talking to each other, but we were not using our mouths. Yeah, we were communicating via thoughts.

Me: Where are we going?

Him: To Nanny's house. (Nanny was his mother.)

We rounded a curve in the road and there it was, except it looked very different. There was no front porch. No built-on garage. My cousin's trailer was not there. There were no fields for gardening. It was just a little white house, but I recognized it. My dad didn't stop.

Me: (turning) You're passing it.

Him: That isn't the house that I'm talking about.

We continued on. Next thing I knew we were in an old house that I didn't recall seeing before. It was unfurnished with wood flooring. I turned around and there was Nanny. (Nanny is dead.) She is young. She is in her 30s, but I know it is her. She is dressed up and wearing bright red lipstick. Nanny loved red lipstick. Nanny also had a thing for fashion and accessories and all that stuff.


Nanny: I wanted you to see my house.

Me: Okay.

Nanny: Can I show you around?

Me: Sure.

We walked around the downstairs and looked at the empty living area and kitchen. We arrived at the stairs that take us upstairs.

Nanny: The stairs go upstairs to the bedrooms. I don't like the stairs.

Me: Oh. Do you want me to see the bedrooms?

Nanny: Yes. Let's go. I just don't like the stairs.

Me: Okay.

Nanny: Be careful on the stairs.

The rooms here were small and unfurnished. There wasn't much to see, but we looked around. Then we went back downstairs. Dad stayed downstairs and was waiting on us.

Nanny: I have something important to tell you. Something that no one knows. I had another child. A son and I want you to meet him.

I was stunned. I turned around and there he was. He had sandy hair. Nice white teeth. Nice smile. A hint of freckles. A nice looking young man. He was also around the age of 30. I knew that he was dead, though Nanny didn't say so.

The Man: I never understood why my mother didn't love me until I got here. Now it makes sense. She tried to love me, but she just couldn't quite do it. It wasn't that I had a terrible life. It just didn't make sense.

It was right about that time that I woke up and sat straight up in bed gasping for air. Whooosh. I told my mother about this dream start to finish and asked, "Is there something that you know that I don't know?" She didn't know anything. So, that meant I was calling my father, because this dream had me Freaked Out. I expected my dad to be a little bit more open to the possibility of my dream being at least possible, but he shot it down as sheer fantasy, and a wild imagination on my part.

Later that afternoon, I had an email from dad. I don't remember precisely how he worded it, but it read something like this: "I don't know if this means anything, but after we spoke, I noticed that sometime during the night your picture fell off the wall."

Monday, May 3, 2010

WHAT DEFINES US


Chris has "honored" me with an award. This is not me fulfilling it. This is me agonizing over it. You can meet the requirements of the award in numerous ways, but the one I am most likely to go with is *Write about your most embarrassing moment.* Now, my dilemma obviously isn't that I have a problem in sharing my humiliating moments, since I have already dished up several for your reading pleasure scrutiny. I am actually having trouble with the word most.

What quantifies something as most in this sort of thing? Is it the number of people who observe the embarrassing moment, a particular person who observes it, or does anyone have to observe it at all? Is it enough for you to know that you did something so stupid, or worse yet, that you compromised yourself in some way that you cannot take back? In some ways, that extends beyond the bounds of embarrassing and into the territory of shameful. Of course, if other people knew, then it would be embarrassing.

So, what defines us? The secrets that we keep or the ones that we tell? If we let them go, do they cease to have power over us, or by letting them out do they have more weight? I suppose if I were someone famous, it would become the thing that defined me instead of the thing that set me free. Since I'm not, I don't know. I like to think that people are generous and forgiving. I'm not so sure. Right now there is this line from an Indigo Girls song running through my head. I can't even think of the name of the song. But the line is "The things I hate in you are the things I hate in me."