Are Ya'll Ready For This? Part Two.

I feel like I have been in therapy for half my life.

Actually, I have been in therapy - off an on - since my my early 20s.... so I guess that means I have!

And there were times that therapy kept me sane. Or maybe it was just a place to vent so that my friends didn't have to listen to all of this garbage, so I paid someone to do it. Which was also good. But, it is only since I found THIS therapist here in Jacksonville that therapy has WORKED for me.

Step One: Just let go of all the crap. Sounds easy. It isn't. Using tapping therapy, we released that junk. I am talking about a lifetime of junk. Every person who hurt my feelings, starting with a traumatizing experience with a second grade teacher, all the way up and through my marriage and divorce. Some of you read about a lot of that here (I apologize). It was just so darn freeing to release it... for good.

Step Two: Recognize the patterns. Understand that Every Bad Relationship Choice I've made stems from Co-dependence. I know that is one of those words that is thrown around and people don't really know what it means. In short: If you grew up around emotionally stunted people who didn't know how to have a relationship (parents, grandparents, etc.) they taught you things that are really unhelpful in navigating life. Some of us (like me) subconsciously sought out people like them for relationships to "fix" that other relationship that was broken. Yeah, that didn't work. My choosing an emotionally distant guy so that I could mend my parents' relationship didn't work. My choosing an abusive guy didn't make my grandpa any nicer to my grandma.

Step Three: Boundaries. Yeah, I didn't have any. Let that sink in for just a moment. Healthy people have boundaries. You do something to them that they don't like... and they might just blast you into next week. Unhealthy people think, "I didn't like that very much, but I sure don't want to hurt their feelings." When you Truly Understand that boundaries are good, Boundaries protect you, Boundaries are the filter that allows you to bring into your life that which you want and keep out that which you don't... wow. Deciding on boundaries, drawing that line in the sand, and then doing the Hard Thing of maintaining them become Super Important. Understanding my lack of boundaries makes that dating story I told you about a month ago even more impressive. That was hard for me. And I felt like Wonder Woman when it was over.

Step Four: Moving from the theoretical world into this one. Yeah, here is the thing... Once you understand about co-dependency and boundaries that is all fantastic. I spent a lot of time deciding that I had value, my voice was important, I wanted this and didn't want that. Blah blah blah. But none of that mattered until I encountered someone who intended to cross my boundary. As many of you pointed out, I really should have recognized some of the signs with that yo-yo earlier. I really shouldn't have gone into his house. (If you missed that blog, you can find it HERE.) BUT, in the end I got there. To that place where I drew my line in the sand and then stood my ground.

Yesterday, I told my therapist about my newest experience. There was this guy from karaoke. Mom and I have been going to this same place most Friday nights for about five months. Yeah, we know a few people. But this is a bar. And most of the people in it take their drinking seriously. Mom and I drink sweet tea and I think that some of these guys find it charming. Did I mention this was a redneck biker bar? Well, now you have a better picture. Super nice people go there, but not anyone I'd want to Date.

I suppose it was inevitable that one of them asked me out. Except he did it in such a way that it felt more like friends getting together and less like a date. (And this is where my therapist says that the learning part of this equation is coming to play. If a guy asks you to do something, it is a date.) Since I wanted to do it, I said yes. I met him the next morning at the shooting range (yeah, it was that kind of "date"). Shot for a while and left. And then he texted me saying we should have dinner sometime. And this was when my boundaries got slippery. He is/was a nice guy. I just didn't like the fact that he drank every day and drank a lot on the weekends. So, I thought I would let him know at dinner that this just wasn't going to work out in terms of coupledom. And then having that conversation face to face seemed Just Too Hard. So the next day I told him on the phone. And he agreed. Verbosely agreed. We are too different. But he continued to call or text me Every Day. For no reason. Just to chat.

On Monday I lost it. I texted him back saying that I didn't text or talk with my friends daily. This felt like pressure. This felt like he wanted to be a couple. He blew up and got really angry.

Well, I knew that was a possibility. The problem was that he was saying One Thing but actually wanted another. I think maybe he was hoping that I would just toss out my boundary about (his) drinking and it would all work out. I really don't know.

What I do know was that I was A Ball of Anxiety and Nerves until I told him how I felt. I was disappointed that he responded like he did. And then I was okay with it all.

I tell you this because when you begin to make changes in your life, when you do things like set boundaries, it cannot all just be theoretical. Life will come along and test you. Do you mean it? Are you strong enough to stick with what you've decided. My therapist said to me, "You can't tell me God doesn't have a sense of humor. You have gotten two situations, each one more difficult than the last, for you to prove that you are becoming who you want to be. And you didn't respond to either of them perfectly, but you got there pretty fast considering. And you know how you can do it better next time."

The other thing that she pointed out was that I felt Horrible preceding that exchange when I challenged him on what he was doing and told him I didn't like it. In fact, I felt pretty bad when he started texting me daily. Each time a text came in my migraine notched up. This isn't what I signed up for. This isn't what I want. I just want to be friends. And still, it took nearly a week to Say Something.

But now I understand how my migraines started and why they stuck for 10+ years. I never said anything. I just kept my mouth shut and tried to motor through. I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I didn't want to make THEM feel bad. I didn't want to say, "This hurts me. This isn't working for me. You have now done so many reprehensible things that not only do I no longer love you, I don't even like you." I did not want to say that. And my head exploded. Kinda literally.

As my therapist so kindly pointed out, "Isn't it easier just being honest about what you do and don't want right away? Yeah, there is anxiety for a few days (or a day, if you just hurry up already) but isn't that better than a migraine that lasts years?"

And I have to say LOUDLY, "Yes!"

Life is better when you are living true to yourself. And that will mean you hurt some feelings along the way. People will want things for you that you don't want. Speak up, friends. I promise that you will FEEL BETTER for having done it. You are worth it.

Are Y'all Ready For This?

I haven't written this sort of blog in well... ever.

Fasten your seat belts kids. It's about to get crazy in here.





I strongly recommend that you play the "mood music" above in order to appreciate the stage I am setting.

So, last Thursday night my mom and I went out for pizza and trivia at a local place. As we were leaving, this guy sitting alone tagged my mom and she started talking to him. I paid the bill. She was still talking to him. He was only a couple years older than I, good looking, and interested. In me, that is. Woah. For the last few years, I have avoided dating much like our ancestors avoided Black Plague. But, I am beginning to feel better and thought I *might* stick my little toe into the dating pool. You know, provided that the guy was right. So we chatted for a while, exchanged cell numbers, and then texted and talked for the last few days.

It seemed promising.

The key word is seemed.

I also decided that before meeting him would be an excellent time to read Steve Harvey's book on how men think when they are dating a woman. It is called Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man. I highly recommend it to all of you single ladies out there. It will blow your mind. Yes, men really do think differently than women. It is true. You will learn that a man must have three things nailed down before he is seeking to nail down a wife (he is always seeking to nail a woman... just sayin'). To quote Steve Harvey, "If men aren't pursuing their dreams - if we're not chasing the "who we are," the "what we do," and the "how much we make," we are doomed. Dead. But the moment that we figure out the puzzle and feel like our dreams are taking shape, new life breathes into us - it makes us vibrant, enthuses, and animates us....Encoded in the DNA of the male species is that we are to be the provider and the protector of the family, and everything we do is geared toward ensuring we make this happen.... So if this is on his mind, and he hasn't lined up the whole who he is, the what he does, and how much he makes in the way he sees fit, he can't possibly be to you what he wants to be." Woah. I had NO IDEA.

Steve Harvey goes on to talk about a man looking for a Relationship and a man who is Sport Fishing. The Sport Fisherman is looking to get laid. Period. And the person who decides if you are a sport fish, ladies, is YOU. You set up the boundaries and then the man decides if you are worth jumping through hoops for... or not. Chances are, if you respect you, then so will someone else. And you can weed through the keepers and the ones to throw back much easier. Steve Harvey makes it clear that if he is "into" you he will profess you (call you his lady, his girlfriend, the woman he plans to marry), provide for you (financially and otherwise), and protect you, so if someone gets all up in your face and you have a Real Man who loves you, be careful with that information... because he might rip someone's face off.

This was information I needed. Well, that and all of the reading I have done on Boundaries and becoming my own person (again). For instance, did you know that MOST people will do what is best for them in any given situation even it means hurting someone else? I knew it, but I didn't practice it. And that mistake was HUGE for me. Cost me damn near everything. There was a time when I would have laid the blame right at the feet of my ex-husband. Can't do that. I didn't have boundaries and I didn't stand up for myself. Me. Not him. He was a complete jerk, but I knew it and married him anyway. I had reasons, but they were NEVER good enough. I deserve a good person. I refuse to accept anything less.

So, back to this dude at the restaurant. We made plans to get together this afternoon. I was under the impression - because I ASSUMED - that his current lack of a running car was temporary and soon to be remedied. He talked about the various cars he'd looked at and why he hadn't bought one. He owns a small company, so I really thought money wasn't the issue. So, I volunteered to pick him up JUST THIS ONCE so we could meet and have a drink, maybe some dinner if it went well.

At 4:30 I am on his doorstep, ringing his bell, banging on his door, calling his phone, and eventually sending him a super pissed off text message from the safety of my car. He lives in a scary neighborhood and his neighbors across the street made me nervous. Then, after waiting the five minutes I said I'd wait, I drove off (you bet, mad as hell). He calls my phone when I hit the corner. Oh, I did leave him a message that said he better have fallen in his shower, because no other excuse was going to float with me. I should have stuck with that.

What did happen? He fell asleep. Now, knowing what I know now, that would have been a good time to leave and tell him to lose my number. BUT, it didn't happen that way. If it had, I would have missed out on the excellent opportunity to rediscover my voice..

He said he could be ready in 15 minutes.

2 hours later I am still sitting in the recliner watching him prance around half naked and, most likely, trek off to the kitchen, under the guise of getting ready, to down another beer. But, I did not know that at the time. Honestly, I had no idea that was what he was doing. I knew he'd had a few after I sat there for an hour, but I really didn't think he was still heavily drinking. *Wrong.*

So, we leave with plans still very vague in my mind. I told him that I just wanted to sit somewhere and talk. He has pull me into a convenience store. My light bulb is now on. I called my mom and told her to call me with an emergency in an hour. This date was a Big, Fat Bust and the dude is an alcoholic. Definitely.

He then suggests this nice restaurant on the water that I have been to once. So, when we get there I call mom from the bathroom to tell her to hold up on the call. I might get out of this okay. We had to wait 20 minutes for a table and I was hungry.

Soon as we get outside (I think to wait at the bar - *wrong again*) he starts searching for an empty table. I say, "J-----, we can't just sit at a table even it is empty. There is no waiter assigned to it. We have to wait for them to call us."

Then he says, "You will find out I have my OWN way of doing things." Sure enough, I found that out.

We end up down at the far bar where we would no longer hear our names to get a table while he scoped for an empty table that he thought he could snatch before a hostess seated someone else there. He ordered a beer. I ordered a sweet tea. I looked at a menu. He wasn't hungry. Every alcoholic I've ever known doesn't eat because they don't want to lose their Buzz. Two sips into my tea he starts something with another customer by being a complete jerk. I bury my head in the menu and pray for Samantha's powers on the show Bewitched so I can blink myself out of there. These two clowns are threatening to beat each other up and throw each other over the railing into the water before it's done. The other clown walked away while the one sitting next to me is shouting at his back. And that was when it happened.

I snapped.

I told him he was being an Asshole. Pardon my language. I rarely curse, but he was. And I told him so. I also told him he was an alcoholic and a mean drunk and one of us was paying for our drinks. And then I was leaving. And if he wanted a ride home, so was he. A meaner person would have left him there. I really wanted to leave him there, but that would have been "mean."

And after I said that first thing I felt, the fear of hurting someone's feelings ENDED. In fact, that was akin to unplugging a bathtub full of water. It all poured out (wait for it). He apologized in the car. And I said I knew he was sorry, but really it should have been expected. Alcoholics just act that way. I followed that gem up with the fact that we were never going out again because I refuse to allow any more toxic people into my life. He was ruined by alcohol and I told him so. And he could continue to make that unhealthy choice (who was I to stop him?) but I was done with the unhealthy choices for me. And that meant we were traveling different roads. Separately. Then he asked if were having sex later. And I said that we absolutely were not. I wasn't even going to kiss him. (He was really lucky I didn't stop the car and insist he get out at this point.) When I pulled up in front of his house he told me I was "mean" and not a very good Christian. And I told him I could live with his opinion on the matter because he was a drunk. Good-bye.

Right after I told him we weren't going anywhere, and before he asked about the Nonexistent Sex That Will Never Happen With Him, he launched into the sad story about his mother dying when he was four years old followed by his father shooting himself. He was raised by his sisters. It is/was a sad story. I told him that I felt badly, but I didn't feel badly enough to allow his toxicity into my life. Yes, I said hurtful things. Hurtful and true things. I called it just like I saw it. He is an alcoholic. He has taken everything good about himself and drowned it in booze. I also told him I wasn't down for that ride. If that makes me a mean person, I am --- for the first time--- fine with it. Great even.

I have a voice and I am not afraid to use it. Thank God. Thank God. Thank God.

Look out world.

I deserve a great guy. And I am not settling ever again. 

What about you? Are you getting the love that you deserve or did you allow stinkin' thinkin' to cloud your judgment? If you aren't getting the love you deserve, only you can change it. Do it today. You are worth it!